There were only very few times in Choi Minho's life that he felt shame about something he had done or hadn't done. But the immense shame that weighed down on him was almost constant now. It happened everytime he heard his voice, every time he saw his face. Each touch, each interaction sent him spinning in a way that it hadn't before. He didn't used to, but he is ashamed that he is not able to say it out loud.

He loved him. 

It became more and more ridiculous as the days passed by. This morning, he was sitting innocently on the couch when he felt someone smack him on the side of the head.

"Ow! What the hell?" he says.

"I can't help it," Kibum retorts.

"Can't help what?" the younger says, rubbing his throbbing head.

"That you annoy the hell out of me!"

"But I'm just sitting here!" Minho protests.

"I know," he says, with his signature eyeroll.

The overwhelming wave comes over him again... The shame. Every time he saw Kibum, all his heart wanted to do was to tell him how deeply he felt but in true best friend fashion, they always end up bickering over little things. Yesterday, it was about the way the pans were arranged in the kitchen. Minho had been the last one to make breakfast for himself when Kibum chanced upon the way he fixed the stuff that he used.

"MINHO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" he yells from the top of his lungs.

Hearing the screams makes his heart fall to his stomach. The younger man runs frantically from his room to find out what exactly happened

"Kibum! Are you okay??" he asks frantically.

"What have you done to my kitchen?"

"What are you talking about?" Minho asks, genuinely confused.

"My pans are not where they usually are, and my spatulas are not hanging, and WHERE THE HELL IS MY FAVORITE POTHOLDER?"

"It's right there!" he responds in sheer panic.

"OH MY GOD, MINHO! I HATE YOU SO FCKING MUCH!"

He always told himself that incidents like this were the reason why he couldn't actually say what he truly felt, but he knew it was a copout. The truth was, he just really couldn't bring himself to. People would say that it was a forbidden love. It sure didn't feel like it. The shame had never come from the attraction itself. It wasn't supposed to feel wrong to fall in love with one of your best friends. It was clear. He was ashamed of his own cowardice. 

"I'm not a coward," Minho mutters to himself. 

It was one of those days where they all had different schedules and he was left sitting on the couch by himself. He should have been perfectly fine there, watching soccer with a beer in his hand but he wasn't. He couldn't keep his mind on the game, even when his team was scoring very well. He sighs intermittently as he keeps thinking about the many years and the many times he had tried to share his heart with Kibum and failed. 

There was one time that they were both sitting in the car alone, waiting for the others to come down from their schedule. Kibum was on his phone as always, trying to get the perfect selca. Minho felt so helpless as he watched him pose for the camera and slowly become overwhelmed by how handsome Kibum was. It took every ounce of strength he had to keep himself from lunging at the older man and kissing him deeply. No one would see... No one else would know... But the fear of rejection weighed down on him more. He couldn't do anything to risk their relationship right now, he told himself. Not when they were actively promoting. Lies.

Another time was when they had a secret vacation in Thailand with all of the members and some of the staff. Minho had always had trouble getting to sleep in new places and he decided to go for a walk instead of staring at his ceiling. He saw Kibum by the bar near the beach, staring out into the shoreline under the moonlight. He couldn't think of a more romantic place to bare his feelings. Again, no one would know but the two of them. But the thought of his feelings not being returned forced him into turning around and going back to his room.

"I can't be a coward," he says for the nth time, taking a swig of beer. 

This had to stop, and soon--before he effectively lost his mind. There was only one thing to do: come clean. How would he though? How could he? It would change everything as he knew it. He convinces himself one more time that the risk would never be worth it. 

As if on cue, who came waltzing through the door but Kibum himself. 

"Oh. Is it just you?" he says.

"Yeah. Hyungs have a radio thing and Taemin is recording," he says, staring idly at the television. Of course he wasn't actually watching but Kibum didn't have to know that. He would have done anything to pretend he was fine.

"You've just been here the whole day?" he asks, taking a seat beside Minho on the couch. 

"No... I had a shoot this afternoon but that was it. I've been here since about eight..." Minho responds, still not taking his eyes off the screen. 

His usual team scores an impressive goal but there is no response from Minho. Kibum is surprised at the non-reaction and looks over to find Minho's eyes glazed over, holding his bottle of beer quite thoughtfully. 

"That was your team, right?" Kibum asks.

"Huh?" Minho asks, a bit confused.

"Your team just scored... Right?" The older man is watching him carefully, finding Minho's entire mood just a bit strange.

"Oh. Yeah. They did. Yay." The younger man couldn't even fake being excited for his favorite team in his favorite game, and Kibum instantly knew that something was definitely wrong.

"Okay, fine. I'll take the bait. What is it?" Kibum asks. 

"What?" Minho replies

"This, Minho? You never act this uninterested with soccer, like ever. So what's wrong?" the older man asks, with increasing concern.

 "I guess I'm just tired," Minho says, doing his best to fake it.

"No you're not. I know you," Kibum insists.

"No you don't, Kibum," the younger man says, a little too bitterly.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. It's nothing. Just forget it," he says with a sigh.

"Whatever," Kibum says, rolling his eyes again. "I'm going to get ready for bed."

Minho watches him walk away and disappear into his room. The roar from the crowd on television makes him take notice that his team has scored once again, but he doesn't really care. Kibum is right. Something is terribly wrong. And he refuses to be controlled by it anymore.

"I am not a coward!" He says with a new-found conviction. 

The young man gets up from his seat, placing his half-empty beer bottle on the kitchen counter as he passes by, and walks directly to Kibum's bedroom. He knocks on the door as aggressively as he can. 

"Kibum, open the door," he says.

The older man answers the door with apple hair and holding a towel, obviously headed to the bathroom to wash up. "What is it? I need to start on my face," Kibum says.

"Do it later. I need to talk to you," Minho says with a hopelessly serious expression on his face. This startles Kibum a little bit and he knows that this is going to be a long discussion. The older man huffs in frustration as he heads back into his room and leaves the door open for Minho to enter.

"So you do want to talk about it after all. This better be good." Kibum says.

There was a split second where Minho thought that he could still save himself the heartache and head back out the door. But in reality, there was no turning back. He couldn't live this way for one second longer. He enters the room, his heart almost beating out of his chest. 

"I love you," he blurts out.

"Okay... Did you watch that cartoon again? I told you not to watch that anymore, it makes you too soft," Kibum says, returning to getting his grooming products lined up and ready for use. 

"No, Kibum. I'm in love with you," Minho says.

"I'm so tired, Minho. I'm really not in the mood to kid around with you right now," he says, throwing his towel over his shoulder.

"I'm not kidding," MInho said with one of the most serious voices Kibum had ever heard him use before. The older man immediately spins around to face Minho who is, by this time, as pale as a piece of paper.

"I'm sorry for telling you like this but I can't take it anymore. Everytime I see you, all I can think about is how much I'm letting myself down by not saying anything. I know it's never going to go anywhere, but I just felt like I had to tell you. I love you. I'm head over heels in love. Rest well. Good night."

Minho turns to leave the room and close the door behind him. He didn't realize that he had been holding his breath the entire time and he finally allows himself to inhale. He leans against the door and continues to take deep breaths as tears involuntarily stream down his face. There was nothing more he could do now and he could finally move on. A huge relief washes over him as he realizes that it was finally over. He didn't even stay long enough to see Kibum's reaction because he knew. He knew that his feelings would never ever be returned. Somehow, in this moment, the fact that he said it to Kibum was enough.

He puts one foot in front of the other as he returns to the kitchen to get the rest of his beer. Like a friend, the bottle was waiting for him to come back, and he smiles weakly as he takes a huge swig to finish the contents of his drink. He sits back down at his spot in the couch and tries to keep watching the game, but it's beyond hopeless. If the game couldn't pique his interest before, it sure as hell isn't gonna do it now. He decides to turn the television off and retreat to his own room. 

He flings himself onto his bed and stares at the ceiling, in awe of what he had just done. He was starting to regret everything, but he really couldn't afford to. Regret wasn't an option, but a rejection is still a rejection. He couldn't help feeling like crap.

Everything will be better in the morning. Just forget it ever happened.

Just as he had convinced himself to close his eyes and sleep the pain away, there was an urgent knock on his door. He opens it to find apple-haired Kibum standing before him. 

"Minho... I... Fck. I'm not good at this, okay?" he says, with a concerned look on his face.  

"If you're just going to tell me that you don't feel the same way, I already know that. I don't want to hear it."

"I came here to ask, not to say anything," Kibum says. "Since when?"

"Are you really going to make me do this?" Minho asks. He would rather pull out his own teeth with pliers but he knew that Kibum would never let him go. Minho retreats to his room and leaves the door open in utter defeat. Minho arranges the chair of his desk to face his bed and sits on it. He gestures for Kibum to sit down opposite him on the matress with a huge sigh.

"Since when, Minho?" Kibum repeats.

"God, I don't know... Since the beginning?" Minho says, hiding his face in his hands. "I knew for sure that time we did that festival in Busan a little after we debuted. Remember? The stage wasn't that safe and you almost got knocked out by some scaffolding? I freaked out. I was so angry at everyone and I was so relieved that you were okay. All I wanted to do was to hold you. So yeah, since then," he recounts. 

"That was four years ago..." Kibum says softly.

"No sht," Minho says.

"But we always fight," Kibum says.

"No, Kibum. You always fight me. I've never answered you or challenged you... You always get your way. Haven't you noticed?" MInho asks.

"I thought you were a wimp. I didn't think you were in love," Kibum says.

"Thanks," MInho says sarcastically.

"So what now?" Kibum asks.

"What do you mean? Nothing. I've felt this way for years without issue. There's no reason why things should change," he says, his heart breaking with every word that came out of his mouth. Part of him had a tiny hope that Kibum would feel the same but as the conversation moved along, his hopes get crushed.

"Right..." Kibum says, starting to get up and leave the room.

Halfway through, he stops and turns back to Minho.

"You're right... I don't feel the same now... I guess I just didn't think of it as a possibility before. But that doesn't mean things can't change..." Kibum says, with a soft look in his eye that Minho had never seen before. "I know I yell at you a lot... But you're a great guy, Minho. I'm really lucky."

Minho's heart almost beats out of his chest. "Kibum..." he says, the spark of hope now turning into a burning flame. 

"Good night, Minho. See you tomorrow," he says with a smile, as he closes the door behind him.

Good night, Kibum.