One thing. Just one thing, and everything came flooding in. From the little memories to the sweetest ones, from the words to tears, from the start to end – literally everything came in.

Renjun crouched down to pick up a rose gold bracelet lying on the floor, which had fallen out of the pocket of a padded jacket he snatched from his closet. His fingers brushed against the metal, and soon it was on his palm. It was warm, maybe because it had been in the pocket for a long time, but Renjun felt cold. He smiled, nonetheless. His other hand searched for warmth towards the same pocket the bracelet came from, but in it, was a paper.

The paper wasn't anything special. It was torn out from a spiral notebook with lines and of average paper quality, but the words written were beyond explanation. Vivid, the words were, to his mind. He didn't have to unfold the paper for it was something he can clearly remember, as if it wasn't a paper from years ago.

And it was all it took for him to break down. Despite knowing what was inside, despite knowing he shouldn't, despite knowing it would just hurt him, his fingers slowly unfolded the paper, and there came the words he had written years ago for a pink-haired man he used to live with in his previous dorm, back in Korea.

He slowly read the same words he'd been keeping until now, those words he was too scared to tell him, those words his lips cannot utter. He smiled bitterly, as his stinging eyes get filled with tears. Maybe if he wasn't a coward, then he wouldn't cry every time he remembers him. Maybe if he just spoke up, then he wouldn't mind finding this bracelet, and letter. Maybe if he didn't leave, he'd still be with him.

But here he was, feet glued to the floor, eyes wavering with feelings, hands longing to hold the other's hands, and a heart painfully beating for someone far away.

Drip. Drop. He doesn't wipe them, but he wishes he can wipe his memories of him, away.

Loving someone was never easy. It is something that makes you risk everything – from small things to everything you've built with that person. While it may make your heart flutter, it doesn't take away the fear of rejection, and the fear of losing the other. Why is love so cruel? Why did his heart decide to love someone he cannot have? Why did his heart decide to love someone, in the first place, when he knows within himself that he's a coward? And those short words? No, he can't possibly say that. If he could, then he wouldn't be here, right now. If he could, then what could've happen?

I may not be great in expressing,
But I wish my words to sing.
A lullaby to put you to sleep.
Without counting one sheep.

Eyes filled with bliss, 
Whenever you stare
I stand and freeze
For I cannot bear

Heart raging, 
Love for you, perhaps.
But, mouth caging,
Words I've thrown in scraps

Today more than yesterday,
Tomorrow more than today,
I love you, I should say.
But maybe no - for my lips chose to betray.

But it's too late. All the chances he had lost, all the times he had wasted, he cannot bring them back, anymore. And he knows. He knows everything's late, and his love will just rot away with regret. What if I told him? But no, he didn't.

He gulped, and fished out his phone from the back pocket of the jeans he was wearing underneath the padded jacket. He dialed his number, with trembling fingers, and a mind almost blank with nervousness. It has been a long time, since the last time they talked. It has been a long time; would he still remember?

"Hello?" The person on the other line picked up. Renjun coughed to clear his throat. There was silence at first, but the other patiently waited. Renjun inhaled deeply.

But maybe yes – for I cannot push my feelings away.

"Jaemin-ah?"




 

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[ first wrote this as yongguk x shihyun but never got to use it until now, but as renjun x jaemin ]