The angst that no one asked for, written in Wendy's POV.

Joohyun and I started as friends, moreso acquaintances. It was the beginning of the school year, we were kind of awkward and shy around each other and didn’t really talk. It wasn’t until we were forced to be partners for our first dance duet assignment that we HAD to interact with each other.

I guess that’s when it started.

After our assignment, we slowly started to talk more often and hangout during our breaks between classes.

Four months later, I found myself buying her a ring for Christmas. I thought of it as a friendly gesture but there was a part of me that knew it was more than that. I just didn’t want to acknowledge it. It seemed like Joohyun didn’t think much of it.

We started getting really close – too close for emotional boundaries. Sometimes I would think our friendship was moving too fast, I already came out to her as bicurious before I had come out to friends I’ve known for several years. The process was difficult and I initially didn’t want to do it because I felt that things would change.

Joohyun promised me things wouldn’t change, but her and I were the same in that we couldn’t keep our promises.

I was self-conscious about everything I did around her and for her. I broke promises that I made because I thought that they would make her uncomfortable, that she would think I made them for different intentions.

One of them was hugging her goodbye, but soon it came down to the simplest things like talking to her.

Should I hug her today? Does she want to talk to me today? Did I look into her eyes too deeply during our conversation? Am I sitting too close to her? Was what I said too much?

Everytime I would distance myself from her, its like she had a rope around me and pulled me right back to her. I guess the good thing about her is that she would force me to tell her why I was distancing myself.

The bad thing was that I was never completely honest with her.

Our friendship became incredibly strained when I tried to start seeing a guy, he treated me right, but I couldn’t commit to him the way I was committed to her.

Sooner or later, I felt guilty whenever I was with either of them. Although she told me she would only see me as a friend, I still felt like I was betraying her when I was with him – I felt like I was betraying him when I was thinking of her.

I wanted things to work with him, so I desperately tried to pull myself away from her.

Immediately, Joohyun didn’t like that.

I couldn’t tell her the honest reason why because she would step back, but maybe that’s what she needed to do if I needed things to work with him.

My friendship with her got so strained that our friends started to notice. We had days where we didn’t talk to each other. We had days where when we did talk to each other, we said hurtful things that ended in confrontations over text.

Things weren’t good.

It got to the point where I decided her platonic love was enough for me. After the guy screwed me over, things got a lot better between me and her. She made a snarky comment about men.

I thought we were finally going to be okay, but then I stopped watching what I said.

“It’s just numbers, I still think you’re beautiful.”

“I’ll come pick you up, I just want you to be there.”

“All that matters is that you’re here.”

“Love you.”

After I crossed the line too many times, her replies fell short. A part of me regretted saying those things, but another part of me felt like she deserved to know that she was beautiful, that she was loved.

Our first year of school ended, while summer started. Her new relationship with a boy also started.

By this point in our friendship, she already knew how I felt about her, but I was aware where she stood. She appreciated that I could stand my ground and that I was okay that she couldn’t feel the same way that I felt about her. I guess I appreciated that she was okay with me, and still wanted to be close with me.

But some things still didn’t add up.

She knew I loved her. I still love her.

But now it comes to where we are now.

“Do you approve of him?”

“Joohyun, I will always think that you deserve more. You deserve the world. But I see the way you look at him, and the way he looks at you. It’s the way I look at you. And if I can’t give you the world, then I want someone else to. If you think that’s him, then I want you to be with him. I’ve only ever wanted you to be with a guy who can make you happy, because I know I can only do so much for you. You deserve everything, you always will- “

I paused, almost losing my words,

“So yes, if he can give you the world and make you as happy as you make me, then I approve.”

It hurts to say it, it hurts so much. But I want you to be happy.

Her eyes started to tear up as she pulled me into a hug. The last thing I wanted out of this was to be this close to her.

“Wendy.. why are you so good to me?”

“You already know the answer.”

“How come you never say it out loud?”

“…Because I know you can’t say it back the way I want you to.”

She pulled away and looked deeply into my eyes before hugging me again.

“I’m sorry.”
 

“I know… It’s okay. Where we are is enough for me.”

Is it?

Summer days passed and I started to get used to the fact that I wasn’t seeing her everyday, but we still talked.

Months passed and we stopped talking as much, she was spending more time with him. I wasn’t really bothered about it.

I needed this space so I could try to figure out how to look at her before I fell in love with her.

But tonight, she texted me.

“Can you come to this address?”

Without thinking twice, I threw on my leather jacket and left. She was at a family wedding she told me about months before.

I pulled up to the venue doors and texted her that I was outside. In less than a minute, there she was, with a bit of a stumble in her step. She looked so beautiful in a dress that I had never seen her wear before. It was a fitted ¾ length white dress that stopped just before her knees with a plunging neckline.

When did she have those..

I stopped gawking as she opened the door and slipped into the passenger seat

“Hi,” she mumbled out with half lidded eyes and a goofy smile. Immediately, I could smell the alcohol.

Not like her.

“Have you been drinking?”

She brought her fingers up and gestured, bringing her thumb and index finger about a centimeter together.

“It is clearly more than that. Why did you call? Is everything alright? Where’s Bogum?” That’s right. Where is Bogum.

“…Couldn’t come.. let’s go outside!!” Before I could stop her, she was already out of the car.

She ran behind the venue onto the patio, the party had already moved inside, but the lights were still on and strung up above us. The booming music from the inside could be heard, but muffled from the outside. I followed behind her to the patio, until I heard thunder.

“Joohyun, I should take you inside now,” she was twirling under the lights with a slight stagger in her step. Her heel got caught in one of the wooden planks, before she fell, I immediately caught her and held her steady. Instantly, I was engulfed by her scent that I’ve missed for the past couple of months.

She gripped onto my shoulders as I had both of my arms strongly wrapped around her waist. I looked into her eyes, my mistake, but this time her gaze was different. Was it influenced by the alcohol? Maybe not.. but I’ve already stared longer than I should have.

I made sure she was stable before I stepped away, “ahh- sorry,” as I rubbed the back of my neck and looked away.

I still couldn’t read the look on her face, I never could. But it changed again when I stepped away.

Could it be?? No, she has-

There was a loud crash of thunder and she came straight back into my arms. It started to rain so I pulled off my leather jacket and covered her head while I looked for somewhere to seek shelter. I could not go inside.

We found an area of the building where the roof slightly hung off the side, but we were practically pressed against each other so we wouldn’t get wet. I guess it was too late as my plaid shirt was already soaked.

She stood with her back to the wall as I stood in front of her, checking the rest of my clothes. The rain was pouring heavily now. I didn’t register how close I was to her until she grasped my arm,

“You look good these days”

“Uhm.. thanks I’ve had to keep up the training to stay on your level ahah,”

Why is this so awkward?

“Seungwan.. where did you go? Are you doing alright? We stopped talking.. and.. I miss you.”

That was the first time she said it first. But just as she started to ask questions, my mind went through other questions a mile a minute. Why did I come here? Where’s Bogum?? How did we end up like this?

“Why did you call me?” I could feel my walls coming up. My arm tensing under her touch.

“I- I don’t know, I wanted to see you. We haven’t hung out in such a long time or spoken. And like I said, I missed you. Don’t you miss me..?”

We were too close now, that if someone were to walk by, it wouldn’t look good. Her voice started to get drained out by the rain and the music playing inside. By now, it was playing softly. I was drawn in by her scent, her lips, her eyes..

I got so lost in them, I always have. She was drawing closer to me and I could feel her breath hovering over my lips. I watched her move, almost giving in.

Just before our lips touched, my words ghosted over her lips, “What are we doing..”

I stepped back, back into the rain. “I should go, you should go. Your family is inside, I’ll text Bogum to come pick you up.” I turned around, letting the guilt settle in.

We almost kissed, she’s in a relationship.. I can’t believe we almost kissed.

“Wan! Seungwan wait!” I ran back to my car and looked back. She was standing by entrance of the doors with my jacket over her head.

“Goodbye Joohyun.” The rain was loud, but my words were louder.

I got into my car as her father came to the entrance. We’ve been ‘best friends’ yet I had never met her parents, I didn’t want to because she already told them about my uality.

“Joohyun! What are you doing outside!! It’s pouring out!” He pulled her in as she glanced back at me. As soon as I saw that she was out of sight, I broke down.

I slammed my steering wheel out of anger as my tears spilled out. It was already late, I had to gather myself before the guests started leaving and saw a disheveled emotional stranger in the parking lot.

When I got home, I disabled all of my accounts, deleted all of our messages. I thought I was doing well, I thought we were going to be okay.

But I saw her and everything I built came crashing down.

I put my phone on ‘do not disturb’ but I woke up in the middle of the night to 2 missed calls and 3 messages. All from her. I swiped away the notifications and shut off my phone, trying to fall back asleep but I couldn’t.

You can’t keep running away from it. I sat up and messaged her.

It was 4:26am, and I had rewritten the text 4 times.

“We can pretend like last night didn’t happen. I need space from you – for me, for us. Just to figure things out. Please understand. I’ve done everything I could possibly do, except love you the way I wanted to.”

it wasn't that bad, right? thank you for reading~

-a.r