A/N: Contains implied eating disorder.

Life is a journey up a spiral staircase; as we grow older, we cover the ground we have covered before; only higher up. As we look down the winding stair below us, we measure our progress by the number of places where we were, but no longer are. The journey is both repetitious and progressive; we go both round and upward.

Perhaps this quote was true to Tiffany, too.

Only, in her case, it was the other way around.

Tiffany started at the top and then life pulled her down one hundred steps at a time.  She tried to look up, walk back, and find out where she got lost, but found herself only going in circles. She tried to find her way back up but the staircase of mistakes she left behind prevents, if not only, misguides her. She tried to work her way up one step at a time, except  with every step up, she sunk ten steps down, instead. The staircase turned out to be a one-way path; she kept going and going until she reached the end. She went both round and downward, and now she's stuck at the bottom.

There's no progress here.

Only repetition. 

--

Play. Stop. Repeat.

Tiffany's days felt like a broken record. She'd struggle out of the bed, eat the minimal amount of anything, and bathe only when really needed. She avoided her friends like plague and ate lunch inside restrooms for her peace's sake. She did the minimal amount of studying, burrowed her nose into books; more to hide than to actually learn something. Everywhere she went, Tiffany felt like there was always someone judging her. 

She did it again, they would definitely say.

'That girl... she never learned.'

--

"Tiffany!"

Three knocks on her door.

"Tiffany!"

Another three knocks.

"Tiffany!"

One knock more then Tiffany threw whatever she could get her hands on, right to the door. She pushed her head up to see what on earth did she throw, when the bang she expected turned out louder. It was the alarm clock again. That was the second one she broke this month.

"Tiffany what's that?  Darling, are you alright? I heard something crash."

Tiffany groaned. Will her mother ever stop?

"Darling? Tiffany? Tiffany? Tiff-"

"Ma, for Christ's sake, LEAVE.ME.ALONE!"

She'd be answered by a quiet knock and her mother encouraging her to go out. It's the weekends, after all. She left her money on top of the fridge. More than usual. She prepared breakfast on the table and some vitamins. She hoped Tiffany's alright. Can Tiffany please answer her? She really didn't like speaking to the wall. And she really needed to go to work soon. 

A loud sigh and then footsteps. 

There.

There.

There.

And then fading. 

--

´Hi Fany, it's Sunny. I'm here with the girls. They want to send you something. I don't really know what they want me to say. Really...

Hyoyeon is looking at me real hard right now, but she wouldn't make the phone call herself. She said she's still angry that you kept the thing about you and Nickhun a secret, but if you come and meet us personally then she'll think twice about it.

Yoona says thank you, by the way. I don't know why, but she insisted I tell you that. Also, she said she needs your opinion about something. She also wouldn't tell me what it's about.

Hmmm...

... Listen, Fany. We miss you a lot. And to be honest I think it's kinda unfair that you're suddenly avoiding us like a plague, but just so you know, it feels like to be treated like this. I know you're having a hard time after the thing with  Taeyeon and Bora and all, but it really doesn't make any sense that you're isolating yourself like this... Especially from us. We're your friends, Tiffany. We're probably not the best ones you ever had, given that you don't even care enough to talk to us, but - But we care about you, okay? It'll all be better soon, Tiffany. You don't have to be alone in solving everything. You just have to open the door and let us in....

... We'll give you space, if that's what you want.

Just know, you can always come to us.

Whenever you're ready.  - Click.

--

Tiffany waited until the last student from the class had stood up and left before she gathered her things. She accidentally dropped a pen on the floor and bent down to get it, only to notice a copy of the school's newspaper on the metal plate just below her seat. It was Taeyeon's first ever published newspaper for this year as the club's editor in chief. She shook it, brushed off the dust that accumulated on the surface, and put it in her bag.  

--

Quite. Awfully quiet. The sun shines brightly today. Tiffany watched the students play dodgeball in the courtyard, Taeyeon being one of them. She took a sip of her orange juice and stare, ignoring her stomach’s complaints from the lack of food, just like she ignored all her friends' attempts to get her to eat with them and Jessica's unexpected offer to listen, if ever Tiffany needed someone to talk to. 

--

Days passed by like this. Slow and unchanging. Tiffany held on in order to last the day, and days after that. Never had she ever felt more alone and it got her to cherish the times she got to spend with Taeyeon and her friends. Even, the ones with Jessica. But she felt like she's way too deep and asking for help would only drag the others down to where she's now at. Besides, at least Tiffany knew she deserved this. They did not. 

--

`Hi Tiff, it's Jessica. I hope you're doing okay... Listen. I- I'm sorr-'

--

Alcohol is Tiffany's best friend.

The alcohol in her body, the warmth of the bodies bumping on her in the dance floor, and the hype from the adrenaline in her blood, numbing the pain, even just for a little while. Tiffany never had it better.

Tiffany missed this.

All of it. 

Deafening music dulling her voice of reason, Tiffany took another sip of her drink and wondered how people could demonize such a fun activity. It's exercise. It's good for the heart. Better than being left alone and misunderstood because you have no skills to ask for help. Better than rotting on the guilt of destroying someone's life. Better than hurting the people you love because you couldn't do better.

It's good for the heart, alright.

... Even if that particular heart was broken.

A vibration from her bag called for Tiffany's attention, just as she caught the familiar set of eyes on the other side of the dance floor. Tiffany stopped dancing. The music faded in the background. Her senses tingled just from the sight of her. Her heart, that had only been thriving because of the numbing effects of alcohol, started beating so fast that it hurt. 

Taeyeon dropped her phone from her ear, pushed her way between the sea of bodies and stopped in front of Tiffany. 

Taeyeon didn't say anything, just looked at Tiffany with a cold expression that made Tiffany's throat tighten. Shame hit Tiffany when Taeyeon gave her a head to toe check and shook her head. She bit on her lips, trying to stop them from trembling. Glared at Taeyeon, even though she wanted to beg her.

Dizzy, Tiffany swayed a little, her knees getting weaker and weaker at each silent seconds that passed. She huffed and puffed, then took a sharp breath.

"It's time to go home, Tiffany."

Taeyeon's stern face became blurry as tears clouded Tiffany's vision. One. Two. Three. Until Tiffany couldn't count how many tears she had shed.

When Taeyeon grabbed her hand and pulled her away, Tiffany wondered where she's going to take them.

Because as far as Tiffany's concerned, her home was in the arms of this short girl, who dreamed of changing the world, and maybe, also hoped she could change Tiffany.

Taeyeon had always been the right one for Tiffany, you see.

Tiffany was just wrong for her.

--

They didn't talk on the way home. Taeyeon looked straight on the road while Tiffany cried silently on the front seat. When they got in front of Tiffany's house, Tiffany's mother was already outside waiting for them. As soon as Taeyeon parked the car on the garage, she took out the keys and left the car. She gave the keys to Tiffany's mother and left without saying goodbye, leaving the clueless woman confused and bothered.

Tiffany could only watch through the side view mirror as Taeyeon walked away. She watched the girl's back begin to shake and Taeyeon's childish attempts to dry her tears with the back of her hand. 

--

They didn't talk about it. Breakfast was filled with clinking of utensils and silent chewing. She noticed her mother stealing hesitant glances on her face from right across the table but she didn't have the energy to say anything about it. She heard her mother say a remark, but it sounded so dull and quiet in comparison to the loudness of the thoughts that never seemed to cease circling in her mind. She didn't notice that her mother dragged her own seat a little closer, nor did she notice that her mother prepared her favorite sandwich.

As the days passed, Tiffany kinda realized that her mother was home more than she's used to. Her mother welcomed her home almost everyday but Tiffany was kind of almost always running late for something to actually stop and really wonder.

--

The stress from her last exam gave Tiffany pain in the back of her neck and a headache she knew she could only ease with a vanilla ice cream and a bread filled with peanut butter. Stretching her limbs, she headed to the lavatory to freshen up and wash her face.  Looking at her mirror and the rows of eyebags she had collected, it was pretty obvious that she hadn't been sleeping right in the past few days. The woman in the mirror stared back at her with tired eyes.  Her face looked familiar but Tiffany  felt like it wasn't hers. 

Unknowingly, her tears began to spill. Tiffany had to bite her to stop them from trembling. She held on the counter to support her weight. When she finally broke down, she was glad that the water from the faucet was loud enough to hide her whimpers. 

-- 

Restrooms had become Tiffany's true and only refuge.

And it turned out, she wasn't the only one.

At first, Tiffany thought she was alone. There was only the sound of  the ceiling fan hanging in the middle of the room and aside from the splashing of water. It was when she first finished drying herself and turned the faucet off that she heard bouts of vomiting sounds coming from one of the cubicles. A series of  violent coughs followed right after. Tiffany turned to the noise. This kind of scene felt familiar and Tiffany couldn't help but be worried.

Hesitantly she neared the cubicle and knocked on the door, "Hey there, are you alright?"

"Go away!" A muffled voice answered. It sounded like someone she knew. In fact, the vomiting sounds alone sounded like something Tiffany had already gotten herself accustomed to. 

She put her ear against the surface to hear better, "Do you need any help?"

"I said GO! AWAY!" Her voice sounded hoarse but Tiffany recognized it.

"Bora, is that you?"

"No. Just leave-" And then, another bout of cough.  Now Tiffany could confirm it was really her.  

Tiffany persisted, voice much softer now, "Bora? It's just me, Tiffany. I would go away but you sound like you need some help. Are you okay?"

She could hear Bora vomiting some more. It triggered a pang of worry on Tiffany; Bora always had the tendency to overeat whenever she's stressed or nervous about anything. As a countermeasure, she'd stick a finger in and force the horrid things to go back out. 

They'd done it together before. It was Tiffany who taught her that, after some students from their class took the liking of making fun of Bora's used-to-be thicker legs and her habit of stealing a bite or two during classes. Aside from that, the fact that the girl couldn't fit in Tiffany's jeans whenever she and the girls decide to borrow pieces of Tiffany's wardrobe for their impulsive night outs, posted as a reason for other girls to say insensitive comments, which made Bora eat even more from the stress, and then feel horrible about it after. Tiffany pitied her best friend.  Bora, to Tiffany, was like the sister she never had. She's caring and sweet. She took Tiffany out whenever the latter was feeling down. She was there whenever Tiffany had problems, listened to Tiffany rant about the small things, and even helped her solve the big ones. She'd invite Tiffany over on the weekends and entertained her parents with make-up stories of her and Tiffany's secret life over dinner.  Bora stayed with her on the times she had to spend the nights alone, because her mother was away for too many days at a time. Tiffany saw Bora's parents more than she saw her own mother, and they always treated her like  one of their own. Bora introduced Taeyeon to her, and Taeyeon... Taeyeon, in her own dorky laugh and weird sense of humor, fit perfectly in the picture, and made everything better. Bora brought another kind of joy in Tiffany's life, which Tiffany's money, popularity and fake friends didn't get her. Bora was thoughtful and funny and kind of really cool. She was a real friend.

If only everyone could see that about her.

Bora could be popular, too. Just like her.  

With that in mind, Tiffany found it was time to make a necessary intervention.

It didn't even take them two weeks for Bora's weight to show promising results. Bora was very thankful and Tiffany was happy to help. What Tiffany didn't know was that it would develop into something as bad as a disorder, but by the time she realized the fault in the act, the damage was already done. Bora was already doing it like a compulsion. 

As if on cue, the door of the cubicle opened, revealing a set of hands with callused knuckles before Bora, now with reddened teary eyes and pale face from vomiting, revealed herself from behind the door. She gave Tiffany a weak glare before shuffling clumsily to the counter. She put water on to erase the smell and the strains of the nasty concoction of half-digested food and gastric juices that just went out of . Tiffany just watched her. Bora acted as if she wasn't paying Tiffany any attention, but the increasing intensity of how she rubbed her teeth with her finger made it known to Tiffany that Bora was more than aware of her presence. 

After a while, Bora shot her an angry glare, "What? Stop staring."

"...I thought you already stopped that." 

Bora only clicked her tongue and continued her ministrations. The girl rested her hand on the sides of the sink and braced on it with shaky fingers. Tiffany's gaze found Bora's mouth; without the red lipstick, it looked almost violet and way too dry. Giving the girl a good look, Tiffany traced her ex-best friend's figure and realized just how terribly brittle she actually looked now.

"It's none of your concern! Can you go?" Bora snapped. 

"Sorry, just... I'm worried, is all."

"I'm fine."  Bora's answer was dry and her voice, coarse. Bora gave Tiffany a side eye while she tried to fix her own hair. Turning back to the mirror, Bora rolled her eyes at Tiffany while her hands expertly fished the contents of her bag for make-up. "Stop acting like you care."

From where Tiffany stood, it was evident how Bora was standing unsteadily, her body kind of leaning to her right. It gave Tiffany the urge to come closer but she stopped herself, knowing it would only push Bora away. 

Tiffany said nothing. She really wasn't in the position to nag Bora about it. 

"What are you still standing there for!" Bora snapped again when Tiffany stayed in her place.  Bora standing even more unsteadily this time, but tried to mask the post vomit daze with an aggressive glare that made Tiffany take a step back. Tiffany knew then that any words of reason would be fruitless in this situation. 

Tiffany sighed, giving up. Shaking her head,  she turned to go.

Just in time when two familiar faces came through the door.

Sooyoung and Sunny stopped and stared at Tiffany in surprise, followed by relief, before they suddenly both gasped as they caught sight of something behind Tiffany. 

The shatter of glass and the loud thud came before Tiffany could look behind her.

--

Everything happened so fast. There was screaming and panicking and Tiffany finally snapping into the reality that Bora was lying on the floor and her head was bleeding.

Tiffany didn't know her strength until they lifted Bora's limp body off the ground and she offered her back, while both Sooyoung and Sunny helped prop Bora on her back. She tried her best to hold Bora's long legs tighter against her to stop them from dragging on the floor, as she carried her away from there as fast as she could,  All the while Sooyoung pressed a piece of cloth on Bora's forehead to try and stop the bleeding. Sunny was in front of them, alerting probably every living thing with ears to make everyone give a space in the middle so they could freely pass through. Bora muttered senseless things, Tiffany didn't understand, her head dangling just besideTiffany's left ear. One of Bora's arms fell on her side as they turned to the nurse's office. The nurse stood up in urgency as soon as they came in, and ushered them to one of the beds. Tiffany put Bora down carefully on the bed, on which the girl managed down on for a bit before falling sideways limply. She was so weak that the nurse had to carry her legs up the bed to make her lie down properly. The nurse put a pillow just under Bora's knees, making them higher than the rest of her body. Tiffany and Sunny watched apprehensively as the nurse checked Bora's vitals, while Sooyoung remained standing by the door, watching from afar. 

With an apologizing look, the nurse turned to them as she stood up. "Are you her friends?"

Sunny and Sooyoung turned to Tiffany, who gave a small nod.

"I think we'll have to send her to the hospital," she said, before asking them to wait outside and pulling the curtains

Tiffany didn't say a word.

Sunny reached for Tiffany's hand and gave it a squeeze.

--

When Bora's parents came and saw Tiffany, they gave her a warm hug and a reassuring pat on the back. Like they always did. They had always been there for Tiffany. For all three of them.

They told Tiffany not to worry because everything will be fine. There's nothing to be afraid of. They're sure, it's nothing serious. 

Tiffany wanted to apologize, but their reassuring smiles and those deep tired eyes scared her. 

(They knew. They were just too good of a person to say it out loud.) 

--

"I want to be alone," Tiffany finally managed to utter after the ambulance came and took Bora and her parents with it. Her heart was heavy and she's not really thinking straight but the concerned glances that Sunny and Sooyoung was giving her, was too much for her. The two gave each other a knowing look before nodding and taking their leave, not before Sunny gave her a hug, and Sooyoung waved to her awkwardly before turning to go. 

--

There's a lot of things Tiffany did before that she didn't really think much of. The recklessness. The need for attention. The urge to have that high of everybody around her liking everything about her. Tiffany wondered why, back then, she felt like she couldn't have enough. How could she be so selfish, enough to ruin what's really important?

She missed Bora.

She missed Taeyeon.

She missed Tiffany. 

The Tiffany who would take the time to bake for her friends, when she knew one of them was feeling down. The Tiffany who laughed wholeheartedly at Taeyeon's lame jokes and enjoyed the quiet nights they sometimes spent alone together,  talking about everything under the sun over three boxes of pizzas. The Tiffany, who took Bora's shy hands on the girl's first day in their school,and hoped that it was enough to take the fear away from her eyes and make them brave enough to conquer the world. 

She kind of liked that Tiffany.

-- 

In the morning after, Tiffany was welcomed with silence and she was glad about it. She had to be alone with her thoughts. To mourn. To cry. And she cried hard while she was in the shower, spilling more water than her eco-friendly mother would be happy to hear about. 

When Tiffany went out of the bathroom, she was surprised that her mother was waiting for her outside, smiling good-naturedly at her. Almost reverently so. The worry and lost look that seemed to be stapled on her face in the past few months was absent for the first time since Tiffany could remember. 

"Can you sit down for a bit so we could talk a little?" She suggested softly before walking to the dining table. She put the bowl of fruit and cereal, she was holding, down on Tiffany's side of the table before taking her seat on the opposite side, looking at Tiffany expectantly.

Untangling the towel she had bundled on the top of her hair and putting it on the counter, she followed her mother. 

As soon as Tiffany took her seat, her mother braced her elbows on the table and leaned over the table a bit, obviously trying to close the distance between them, "Eat first."

Tiffany had the urge to laugh and lean away from the way her mother was smiling at her. Despite her current mood, her mother's behavior both amused and confused Tiffany. Seeing her mother in relatively good mood was rare. Or maybe she just wasn't paying attention.

Tiffany couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at her mom, finding it quite strange for her to watch her while she ate. She never did so before. "What do you want to talk about, ma?"

Her mother only smiled solemnly, "How's your week, darling?"

That irked Tiffany, making her chew with more force than needed, "Uh... It was fine, " Tiffany nodded automatically, taking another bite of her cereal, whilst waiting for another question. Her mother only went back to staring while Tiffany tried to ignore it. 

Until she couldn't anymore, "Ma, was that all you're going to ask?"

"Yes.... I think so."

"Okay, then."

There was only the sound of Tiffany's spoon and bowl for a while before her mother finally spoke her thoughts. "Did you know you love singing when you were little?"

"Huh?"

Her mother continued, expression in a trance, like her consciousness was traveling back on time. She chuckled. "Even back when you still cannot talk, you're already babbling to songs your father and I put on the radio. And you loved to dance too. You'd move your body back and forth like this," She made an effort to mimic the movements Tiffany's used to do and it was silly how seeing her mother do such things was making Tiffany giddy and wanting to chuckle out loud. "Dancing. And then you'd mumble out whatever sound you thought you were hearing and sing along." Her mother laughed at the memory, nostalgia in her eyes. "And you'd laugh with us whenever we laughed at you, and your eyes would brighten and you'd giggle and look at us like you're proud of making us smile." Her mother looked down as if embarrassed for getting lost in her own thoughts. Then suddenly she looked so sad. "You used to hum a lot, too. I remembered because I liked the sound of your singing voice and at some point, I'd close my eyes and just listen to you. You always did that whenever you're really happy about something-" Her mother wanted to continue but Tiffany interrupted her. The look on her mother's eyes scared her. 

"Ma, is everything okay? " 

She caught Tiffany's gaze then.  She looked so sad and her voice was shaky when she said, "You were 11 years old when I last heard you sing, Tiffany." Tiffany could hear the regret in her mother's voice,"That's before your father and I separated."

Panic rose in Tiffany when she realized her mother was on the verge of crying. She hurried up her seat and went to envelop her mother with a hug.

"Ma, please..... Don't cry.  This literally is so sudden. Why are you even talking like this?" 

Her mother didn't pull away but didn't return the hug either. "Nothing just... You looked so down this past few months. I could feel it. I know you're not doing okay but I didn't want to blend myself in your business because the last time I did, you got upset at me for it. I was worried but I didn't say anything and just hoped you got it covered because... because you're smart and independent. I know you are." Tiffany could hear her start to sniff and was sure that she's crying. "You always try to deal with your problems alone. A part of me was scared about it; especially cause you're a teenager. But still, aside from some moody bouts, nothing was obviously wrong so I just let you have your freedom and deal with your own because I thought that's better. When your father and I separated, you seemed to take it so easily, too. You never blamed us or openly resented or rebelled, and I thought for a very long time that I was right about my observations. I never had an idea that you're probably just holding it all inside. I wasn't paying attention," Tiffany tried to ease her mother by running her hands on her back. "Then after I came back from Paris, for the first time, I realized how distant you and I really became. I realized I don't know what to make out of your mood anymore. And I realized I don't know how to be here for you anymore." 

"Ma, it's not your fault. I'm sorry. I should have talked to you. It's just- I really can't deal with too much. I-" Her mother cut her off before she could start explaining.

"No, this is not all because of you. You're a child, Tiffany. You still are. And you are mine. I should have given you more of my time."

"Ma," Tiffany tried to console her but her mother was caught on her own thoughts, and deep inside Tiffany knows her mother was right and she had to admit that a part of her resented her mother for it. 

"I was lacking. I had always been. The truth is I'm not good at being alone, especially being alone to raise a child. Your father was the better parent. He knew how to make you laugh, what to do when you cry, what you like, and what kind of things you like to do while I- I'm a workaholic and I never really learned how to be good with you. Maybe that's why he left me." Her mother put her hands on Tiffany's shoulders, looking Tiffany in the eyes with the remorse and regret that made Tiffany cry without knowing. "I should have been a better mother to you. Forgive me, darling."

With that, Tiffany the tears just started coming until Tiffany was sobbing so much, her mother had to hug her to ease her shaking.  

Tiffany knew her mother was doing her best. She knew her mother cared for her as much as her father did. She knew her mother shouldn't be apologizing for not being perfect. She's only human after all... Still, hearing it from her... felt nice. It lifted something off Tiffany's heavy heart and made breathing a little bit easier. 

Maybe, it's always been what Tiffany really needed. 

--

It was already dark outside when Tiffany woke up. She was lying on her side. On the tv the credits of the movie were already rolling, while the ending track of the film played in the background. Turning so she's lying on her back, she finally noticed that her head was lying on her mother's lap. Her mother's head was lolled back on the couch. She was breathing deep and even, seemingly asleep, as her fingers fiddled with Tiffany's hair. She did that a lot to Tiffany when she was a kid. It was the only way little Tiffany would fall asleep. She remembered how she'd sleepily hold on to her mother's pinky to make sure she's still there. 

Scooting gently out of her mother's lap, Tiffany got up and picked up the blanket that fell on the floor to put it around her mother. The blanket hit their matching pairs of fuzzy slippers, that they had carelessly flicked off before, and pushed them closer. 

A/N: Quote in the beginning is by William Butler Yeats.