The Streets of Seoul

*.☽.*



 

City Lights.

I watched the blinds roll up, revealing the beautiful night view right in front of me. The towering buildings looked fascinating accented with orange, yellow, and white lights. I had always loved this view, it gave me peace when I most needed it. However, it didn’t seem to serve its purpose now. No, Not at all. I stared at it but my head was still in chaos. Everything inside me was still troubled.

The old hiking place. The view up there was the total opposite of the one in front of me at the moment. The trees were replaced by skyscrapers, the stars had turned into building floors.

I was in an entirely different world now. Miles and miles away from what I considered home for the last months. The ambiance was far from similar and every minute I spent there seemed to trigger that familiar sinking feeling in my heart.

Australia.

I took a deep breath as I stood, my bare feet touching the cold floor. I walked towards the glass wall and stopped right before it. My attention fell on the phone in my hand as I tapped on the play button, scared but desperate to listen to the voice I had been longing to hear.

“Just come back.” He was drunk, his voice raspy and unsteady. “Come home to me already. Baby please.”

This wasn’t the first time I listened to this, in fact not the second, nor the tenth. Honestly, I lost count already. Maybe I listened to it over a hundred times, I don't know. Yet, it still gave me the same feeling. Every time. 

The same regret, the same heartbreak.

My grip on my phone tightened as I suddenly felt suffocating. I looked around and everything seemed to be closing in, making it harder to breathe. I darted my attention to the city lights and for some reason, they started to be unclear.

I felt like falling, sinking.

“No,” I muttered in a panicked voice. “No, no…” I turned around to check my room. “I shouldn’t be here.” I bit my lip. “I shouldn’t be in Australia. What am I doing here?” I frantically moved my head sideways. “I can’t be here. I can’t be here…”

“Hae Won…” I heard Baekhyun’s voice somewhere.

My attention darted towards the door where I saw a figure of a man.

“Baekhyun?” I muttered.

“How could you  leave me like this?” He asked.

What he just said was knife stabbing painful, I flinched. I wanted to step closer to him but my feet weren’t moving. I couldn’t move them. I opened my mouth, wanting to speak but I couldn’t as well. Panicking, I started to hyperventilate. I was crying silently, my heart wanting to explode and the moment I looked at the door once more, he wasn’t there anymore.

“Baekhyun! Baekhyun…” I kept calling, using the voice in my head. “Baekhyun…”

Then there came a very loud sound, I ended up covering my ears using both hands. It was so loud I didn’t know where it was coming from…


*.☽.*

3:04 PM

I was dreaming. It was all a dream.

I flinched as I took a deep breath to fill my lungs with air. I brought my hands to my face and realized that I was crying. After wiping my cheeks, I hastily looked around and found out that I was still on the train on my way to Seoul. The train came to a full stop and that was where the loud sound originated.

My heart was still beating so fast though, my hands trembling. God, it all felt so real. Then I realized, all I thought about was not wanting to go back to Australia. I didn’t wanna go back, that was for sure. Baekhyun, asking me how I could leave him like this in my dream, felt so real. The pain in his voice felt so real.

I inhaled and looked out the window, hoping I could shake this feeling away but I failed because it was the very thing I thought of over and over again until I reached the station. I got off the train taking my luggage with me. I stood waiting for a cab that would take me to the airport longer than necessary. Several unoccupied cabs stopped right in front of me but I didn’t make a move to get in. My mind was full of hesitation even when I was already inside the cab.


*.☽.*

5 PM

Airport.

I was in the waiting area along with the other passengers going to Australia. My flight was at 6 PM. I kept fidgeting, the urge to get on my feet and walk out of the airport was strong and tempting. There was a huge TV in front of me and for some unexplainable reason, they had to play a Byun Baekhyun CF. I held my breath when he smiled, his eyes turning into beautiful crescents right away.

I bit my lip, my mind cramming. I remembered him, the first time I ever saw him up at the old hiking place when I thought he was going to jump, I ran to him wanting to stop him, and ended up falling on top of him on the ground. I also recalled the first time I ever saw his handsome bare face, the time I hid behind the bushes when I saw him for the second time. Our first hike together, how he gave me his phone number and our first exchange of messages. The first phone call that morning was when I thought he was my mom and he teased me by saying ‘Did you just say you love me already?’ Everything came flooding into my thoughts, the late-night visits, that one time he took me stargazing, the cabin. God, our time together at the cabin.

I closed my eyes, wanting to calm myself down but failed because I still kept thinking about him. I also thought about what Manager Kang said, what Kyungsoo, Ara, Eun Chan, my mom, and most importantly what Baekhyun said.

“Why…why won’t you fight for me? I thought you told me that we’re in this together. Am I not worth a fight?”

I felt something gripping my heart at the very thought of his words.

Am I not worth a fight?
Am I not worth a fight?
Am I not worth a fight?

I stared at my luggage, my hand gripping on the handle. I wanted to explode and sink at the same time. I knew, deep down in my heart, that I didn’t wanna go. I didn’t wanna leave him and that he was worth the fight every single fight.

I debated with my thoughts for the next couple of hours. There was a part of me trying to justify what I did but the other part was condemning me for being a coward. He doesn’t deserve a coward like you Park Hae Won. You’ll never be brave enough to fight for him.

I was conflicted.

I darted my attention around and everyone seemed to mind their own business aside from the little girl who was sitting right in front of me. She was looking at me with puppy eyes and to my surprise, she was eating a strawberry.

Oh my god. I lifted a hand to my neck and touched the strawberry pendant of the necklace he gave me.

"You're my favorite strawberry in the world."

“No,” I said firmly as I stood. “I can’t run away like this.” I shook my head sideways as I felt tears forming in my eyes.

So, with tears streaming down my cheeks, I took my luggage and directly made my way out of the airport. My heart was racing as I fastened my steps as if I was catching the last train. When I was finally out, I took my phone out and dialed my mom’s number. I needed to tell her that I wasn’t going back.

I made up my mind.
I’m not going anywhere.

“Mom…” I said in a broken voice the moment she answered.

“What’s wrong Hae Won?” She sounded confused and must have noticed that I was crying right away.

“I’m…I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean? Are you at the airport? Your flight is in thirty minutes.” She replied, firmly.

I took a deep breath as I gathered every possible courage I still had left.

“Park Hae Won.”

“I’m not going back, Mom,” I told her making an effort to sound that I meant every word.

“Hae Won, we already talked about this. You are coming home.” She answered, obviously angry and emphasizing her last sentence.

“No Mom, I can’t,” I argued. “I can’t leave him. I don’t want to. I won’t.” I protested, biting my lower lip so I could control my sobs since people were passing by.

“What are you talking about? Do you realize what’s going to happen to you if you choose to be with that man?”

“Yes...”

“None sense.” She hissed. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Now go to the airport and board the plane.”

“I’m sorry.” I kept apologizing. “Please let me do this. I’ll take full responsibility for my decision. Yes, I don’t know what’s going to happen if I stay but I also do know that I’d be miserable if I go back to Australia now. I love him, I love him with all my heart, I can’t leave him.”

The line went silent for a brief moment and I was left crying my heart out.

“Hae Won, if you want to live a peaceful life go home now. Your whole life here is waiting for you, your job, your friends, your family. Are you willing to throw everything for that man?”

Am I willing to throw everything for him?
He’s willing to risk everything for me.

“He’s just one man, Park Hae Won, you’ll find someone else. Don’t act like a teenager who just met her first love.”

I tilted my head sideways as if she could see my refusal.

“I don’t want a life without him, Mom.” I managed to say. “I’m not going back. I’m not going to board the plane and leave him.” I stated with conviction as I took a deep breath. “I’m staying.”

My mom said something but I was too preoccupied with my crying, I couldn’t make out what she was saying until she ended the call.


*.☽.*

7:30 PM

I stayed in the café about twenty minutes away from the airport for more than an hour now. I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know what to do and I haven’t talked to anyone since that phone call with my mom. I kept staring at my phone which was on the table right in front of me. I had attempted to call Baekhyun several times but ended up hesitating. I wanted to tell him that I stayed. I wanted to hear his voice and ask him to forgive me but I didn’t know where to start.

The time I finally took hold of my phone, I went to my gallery. I checked the photos he took while he was preparing for his concert and that one video of him playing the piano. Watching it now, I asked myself how did I even have the heart to think about leaving him. For the whole time that we were together, he did nothing else but make sure to let me know how much he loved me. All he was asking me was to trust him.

Then, as if I wasn’t full of regret already, I looked out the window and noticed that it had started snowing. The white feather-like dots falling from the sky instantly made me recall our first snow at the park together.

The next thing I knew, I was making my way out of the café, hailing a cab, and gave the driver Baekhyun’s address.


*.☽.*

8:18 PM

I watched the cab drive away as I stood right outside the tall gate of Baekhyun’s house. It took me a couple of minutes more before I was finally able to bring myself to press the doorbell. The beating of my heart went erratic once more as I waited. It was a startled Mr. Yoo who opened the gate for me and I saw how his eyes widened.

“Miss Park?” He sounded surprised. “You’re here. I…I thought you already left?” He added, not giving me a chance to greet him.

“How did you know?” I asked him, wondering how he knew that I was supposed to leave Korea today.

“Well, Baekhyun and I went to the airport earlier tonight but when we got there, your plane had already taken off.”

Baekhyun went to the airport? I looked away to process my thoughts.

“Why are you still here?” He asked, sounding curious.  “Are you perhaps…staying for good? Does this mean you’re going fix your relationship with him?”

I gulped as I tensed. I momentarily avoided his eyes but I knew he was waiting for my answer. So, when I turned to him once more, I smiled at him hesitantly.

“Do you think I can still do that?” I asked.

He looked serious for a moment before he smiled. He didn’t answer but went to take my luggage from me and took it inside the gate. I rattled, what was happening? What’s Mr. Yoo doing? He walked too fast, I was left catching up with him. When I got in, I saw him loading my luggage in the compartment of the car.

“Mr. Yoo…” I was supposed to ask him but he cut me by pointing to the passenger’s seat.

“Get inside Ms. Park.” He instructed.  “We wouldn’t know the answer to your question if you don’t get to ask Baekhyun himself.”

“He isn’t home?”

“He hasn’t been home since you two broke up. He said every corner of the house reminds him of you.” He answered. “Now, get in.” He said once more as he was about to get in the driver’s seat.

I didn’t waste any time and complied. When I was in the passenger’s seat, I watched how he hurriedly revved the engine and we were out of Baekhyun’s house in no time.

“Where is he?” I hesitated.

“I’m sure he’s in his condominium right now, you know he has one right?” He asked.

I nodded, recalling Baekhyun telling me about it one time. I remained silent for the next few minutes as Mr. Yoo braved the streets of Seoul. I was nervous, I didn’t know how to face Baekhyun when I saw him.

“Are you…nervous?” Mr. Yoo probably noticed.

“Y-yeah.” I tilted my head down. “Very.” I trailed off to take a deep breath. “What if…what if he doesn’t want me anymore?”

“What if he still does?” He replied, he wasn’t smiling or anything but something was comforting with the way he looked at me when he said it.

I smiled sadly as I looked outside.

“Why did he go to the airport today Mr. Yoo?” I couldn’t help but ask.

“Well, he said he wanted to see you one last time before you go.”

I felt sad all of a sudden, realizing that he must have accepted the fact that I was leaving. This made me heartbroken. But I didn’t have the right, I guess.

“Hey, Miss Park.” Mr. Yoo called, snapping me out of my remorseful thoughts. “He didn’t say it but I knew he was planning to stop you from leaving. He drove to the airport and I almost flew out of the window because he was driving too fast.” He said with a big smile on his face.

I couldn’t help but smile, I knew he was trying to make me laugh. I must have looked troubled and worried like I truly was.

“I…” I paused to take a deep breath. “I honestly don’t know what to tell him. After everything, after pushing him away so hard. I’ve said a lot of mean words…I even said I don’t love him.”

“He’s not himself lately. That time when he got beaten up at the bar, I wanted to beat the asses of those who hurt him but I knew Baekhyun didn’t fight back on purpose. When we were already in the car that night, I asked him why and he said he couldn’t feel anything. He got numb.”

Oh my god.

“To see him like this after you broke up with him just shows how much you mean to him.”

I could feel the lump in my throat.

“I…” I swallowed. “I thought I was doing the right thing, Mr. Yoo. I didn’t want to burden him. I didn’t want him to lose anything because of me.”

“He’s a grown man Miss Park. He knows what he’s doing and most importantly, he knows what he wants.”

I sighed as I darted my attention outside once more.


*.☽.*

9:15 PM

I was walking in the hallway of the 28th floor of the building where his condominium was located. Mr. Yoo told me to look for room number 04. When I finally found it, I stood before the door and checked on myself first. I was wearing a tucked-in, white button-down, long-sleeved top, and jeans, paired with my light pink, heeled oxford shoes. I brushed my hair using my fingers making sure I looked somehow presentable.

I was so tense. My throat suddenly felt so dry, I just might not be able to speak when I see him. I wasn’t ready, I just knew I was. I walked a few feet away from the door to calm myself when I heard the door open. I instantly turned around to check who it was and almost dropped my jaw when I saw a woman coming out of his unit.

A woman. Coming out of Baekhyun’s condominium.
My hands fell limply to my sides. Feeling, hopeless and helpless all of a sudden.

She had her head tilted down the moment she closed the door behind her. She probably stood around 5’3, had short hair, and was dressed in a pretty beige midi dress and a pair of black stilettos, a bag, and a brown trench coat in hand. She had a handkerchief in her other hand which she was using to wipe her dress. It was just then I noticed that a portion of her dress was wet.

She was also murmuring something but I couldn’t make something out of it. She looked and sounded annoyed though. When she was about to look up, I immediately turned the other way.

I closed my eyes, I was hurt.
How could he be with another woman? Isn’t it too early?
Did he want to forget me that bad?

Park Hae Won, did you forget that you were the one who broke up with him?
God, I’m going crazy.

I heard her heels behind me and it brought me back to reality. I held my breath hoping she wouldn’t notice my presence. But then I felt her footsteps slow down as she was nearing me and I thought she was going to stop and talk to me but she didn’t. Thankfully, she walked past me but almost gave me a heart attack when she stopped and turned to face me.

I could neither move nor turn away anymore because she was already staring at me. She was very pretty, and she somehow looked familiar.

“Hae Won?”

Did she just call me by my first name?

I didn’t answer. I was still too stunned and confused by the thought of her knowing me. I saw her walk towards me and stopped when she was about a foot away.

“It’s you right?” She asked, wondering.

I was still speechless. I was just staring at her pretty face. And my confusion must have been written all over my face because she smiled.

“I’m Soo Ah.” She introduced. “Baekhyun’s cousin.”

Oh.

That was why she looked familiar. That photo was taken on her birthday with Ara and Baekhyun.

Oh my god, I felt so stupid.

“Thank God you’re here. Please go fix him.” She said all of a sudden.  

I got a bit flustered.

“He’s inside, I had to drag his drunk from the bar owned by his friend before he gets himself into trouble again. He’s a mess and just won’t stop wrecking himself.” She continued.

“I’m sorry.” I apologized, without giving it much thought.

Guilt is taking over me right away.

The look on her face changed to something soft before her lips turned into an upward curve. She also reached for my hand.

“Whatever your reason was for leaving him didn’t matter anymore, now that you’re here.” She gave my hands a firm squeeze. “I have secretly liked you for him. If I didn’t, then I wouldn’t spoil him by buying clothes for you every time he nags me to do so.” She paused to let out a soft laugh. “I remember the time when he knocked on my door at two in the morning. He told me you were in his car and he didn’t know what to do because he didn’t want to cause you trouble. I knew from that moment that he was serious about you. When we got to his house, he asked me to change my clothes. I recalled teasing him and asking him why wouldn’t do it himself, you know what he told me?”

I just looked at her, like what I had been doing the entire time.

“He said he didn’t want to break your trust.” She said, her lips forming into a beautiful smile.

God, Baekhyun.

“Ara might be my friend but I know that he’s clearly and utterly in love with you and no one else. I want him to be happy with the person he truly loves and not with someone who the public approves. He’s such a good person, he makes a lot of people happy but he deserves to be happy too.”

I still didn’t know what to say, I couldn’t believe I was finally talking to his cousin right now. And the words, her words, were making their way to my very soul.

“He’s going to destroy not just his career but also himself in the long run, so please if you’re here because you love him then ing go for it.”

My eyes widened at the F word.

“Okay I’m sorry for cursing but please bring my old cousin back. The one that’s nice and warm. I missed him. I’m sick of him being this cold and difficult. This is not him…will you?”

I couldn’t help but smile at her. She felt so welcoming.

“I trust you on this Hae Won.” She told me, giving my hand another firm squeeze before letting it go.

“Thanks, Soo Ah,” I muttered.

“By the way.” She rolled her eyes a bit and sounded irritated. “He’s in the bathtub, I dragged him there and splashed water on him hoping the water would get his senses back but unfortunately it didn’t do anything. He even ruined my dress! Ugh, I hate him.” She added. “He’s such a jerk.”
 

*.☽.*

Bathtub.
He’s in the Bathtub?

I closed the door slowly when I got it. I took my shoes off and wore a pair of grey slippers before I made my way inside. Just like Kyungsoo’s, his place was also spacious but not as big as his house. The whole aura and scent of the house reminded me of Baekhyun. Different tones of brown, beige, and white blended well and gave off a very cozy feeling. The living room was facing a magnificent night view of Seoul. The well-lit skyscrapers reminded me of my dream earlier today. I sho