The Heights of Desperation

*.☽.*



 

To say that I was heartbroken was an understatement.
 

Two days.

It’s been two days since I last saw and talked to Baekhyun. It’s been forty-eight hours since I last left my room. I was devastated and I couldn’t remember if I stopped crying at all. I kept blaming myself for being a coward and for driving away from the only person who did nothing else but prove how much he loved me.  

When I closed my eyes, I thought of nothing else but the way he looked at me the last time we were together. The pain across his face kept haunting me and the coldness in his voice when he told me to just leave was still unbearable now.

Honestly, how am I supposed to forget everything now?
Impossible. Just impossible.

*.☽.*

I was scheduled to go back to Australia in five days. My mom booked a ticket for me since I refused to even do anything but wallow in my misery. I was mourning as I felt everything inside me slowly die. Aunt Sunny and Jih Hye kept asking me if I was okay. And for one second, I thought I could lie and tell them I was but I couldn’t even bring myself to lie about another thing anymore.

I lied to Baekhyun.
I lied when I told him that I didn’t want him to come looking for me anymore.
I lied that this was what I wanted. I lied to him when I told him I didn’t love him.

I had to hold my chest when I called Eun Chan and told him about my breakup with Baekhyun that same day, two days ago. I had to immediately make sure that he wouldn’t do anything to harm Baekhyun and his career. I was so mad at myself, that I ended up playing Eun Chan’s game. He wasn’t that convinced at first but I told him I was leaving for Australia soon.

“Make sure you won’t change your mind Hae Won. Once you do, our deal is off.”

I threw my phone right after the call ended.

I despise myself.


*.☽.*

TUESDAY, four days before I leave Korea.

11:37 PM

I heard my phone beeped. I didn’t know what I was expecting or who I was expecting to send me a message at this time but when I read the message, I couldn’t help but be surprised.

010 **** ****
Hae Won, this is Kyungsoo. I’m outside your house right now. Is it okay if I ask you to come out?

My brain lagged for a couple of seconds processing the fact that Baekhyun’s best friend sent me a message telling me he was outside the house.

Did something happen to Baekhyun?
My heartbeat raced, shaking my head to dismiss the thought right away.

I didn’t reply, instead, I got off the bed and reached for my overcoat since it was going to be cold outside. When I was out, I immediately saw Kyungsoo’s familiar black car under the dim light post across the street.

What does he want?
Why is he here?
I’m pretty sure this has something to do with Baekhyun.

I watched how Kyungsoo got out of the driver’s seat and walked towards me. He was wearing a cap and a dark-colored overcoat, which I couldn’t distinguish. This was not giving me a good feeling.

“Kyungsoo,” I uttered when he stopped in front of me. “What brought you here?” I paused once more also trying to justify in my head how he knew my place.

He lifted a hand to his nape, looking unsure of what he was about to say.

I was so tempted to ask about Baekhyun already.
 
Is he okay?
How is he taking everything?
Is he eating well?
Is he sleeping fine?

I had to bite my lip and take a deep breath to stop myself.

“He’s…” He paused to look at me for a moment. “He’s in the car.”

I held my breath as my eyes darted to his car across the street.

Oh my god. The thought of Baekhyun being a few meters away from me sent shivers down my spine. I gulped and blinked a couple of times trying to rationalize what I just heard when Kyungsoo spoke again.

“Drunk.”

What he just said made me snap out of my thoughts. I looked unbelievably at him.
Did he just say that Baekhyun was in the car, drunk?

“He…” I said in a slightly panicked voice. “He shouldn’t be here, Kyungsoo,” I added, tilting my head sideways. “I can’t, I can’t see him.” I took a deep breath.

“He’s losing his mind,” Kyungsoo said, looking at me as if he meant every word. “He’s been asking me to take him here every time he’s drunk and by every time, I mean every day.”

My fingers started to tremble, so I shoved my hands inside my pockets.

He’s been drinking? Every day?
I blinked to process this thought.

“He’s not taking it easy, Hae Won. It’s almost as if he’s punishing himself.”  He added, his voice filled with nothing but concern. "Wrecking himself."

Baekhyun. My heart couldn’t handle hearing this about him.

“I’m sorry Kyungsoo…” I apologized. “Just take him home please,” I told him as I turned around to leave but stopped when I heard him again.

“Wait.” Kyungsoo stopped me. “Your reason for breaking up with him is obvious to me, Hae Won." He stared at me straight in the eye."You don’t have to pretend you did it because it’s what you wanted.”

I swallowed as I looked away. 

“I know you’re crazy about him, too.”

That familiar sinking feeling behind my chest resurfaced.

“And I know I don’t have the right to talk you out of this but he’s my best friend." He paused to take a deep breath. "He’s not himself. He’s devastated since you broke up with him. He’s been drowning himself in drinking and I’ve never seen him…like this before. Not even when he and Ara broke up.”

Hearing this, god it’s gripping my heart.
I turned around to face Kyungsoo again, my eyes on his car.

“He’s on TV trying his best to keep a straight face but later on knock on my apartment asking me if I wanted to drink with him.” He trailed off as he momentarily glanced at his car too. “He’d talk nonstop about you every time and rant about how much it hurts and how much he misses you. He kept saying he can’t let you go even if he tries."

This was painful to hear. I couldn’t imagine what Baekhyun had to go through. He couldn’t even be seen in public like that. He had to conceal everything.

“This isn’t easy for me too, Kyungsoo.” I stopped, giving my lower lip a bite hoping I could still resist the slowly growing lump in my throat. “It’s hurting me just as much to walk away but this is the best for him.” I reasoned out as I swallowed. “I can’t handle being with him while he loses something special to him.

I could feel Kyungsoo's eyes on me as if he was reading my expression. 

“He’s losing you too,” He with conviction. “And I believe it’s equally painful for him, Hae Won. If not more.”

I was speechless. I looked up as I felt the tears form. 

“At this point, I’m pretty sure he made it clear to you that you’re the only thing that matters to him right now. So, losing you in the middle of all of this is absolutely beyond devastating for him. As I’ve told you, Baekhyun is strong but this is driving him insane.” He sighed like he understood his pain. “See, I’m not going to ask you to take him back if this is what you think and believe is right. If leaving him is the right thing for you to do. It’s your choice.” He told me. “But please. Just let him see you. I promise I won’t let him talk me out of this again.”

I heard Kyungsoo and his every word pierced through my heart but I didn’t have the chance to reply anymore when I noticed Baekhyun standing right next to the car across the street.


*.☽.*

We were at the entrance of the town.

Baekhyun and I were a few feet from the car where Kyungsoo remained. He had the headlights to give us light since it was dark around the area.

Baekhyun, obviously drunk stood about a couple of feet away from where I was. He was wearing a plain black shirt, jeans, and sneakers, that’s it. No jacket, no cap. I instantly got worried since it was chilly. I was sure he was going to catch a cold.

But I guess, I didn’t have the right to worry about his health anymore.

I bit my lip as I felt his stare at me. From where I was, I could sense how heavy this was for him. He looked like he was hesitating to come near me for a second. This was the first time I ever saw him drunk and I didn’t know what to expect. I saw how he balled his hands into fists, the light from the car somehow revealing the veins in his arms.

Then, he made a step toward me.

“Baby…” It was the first word that came out of his mouth.

I suddenly felt like breaking down. There was absolute longing in his voice.  

“God, I missed you.” He added as he made a few more steps toward me.

He did it so fast and for some reason, I didn’t move to avoid him. He ended up pulling me into a bone-crushing hug.

“So bad.” He added, taking a deep breath, his arms tightening around me.

He reeked of alcohol but it didn’t bother me as much because the familiar warmth brought by his body instantly made me want to succumb to my weakness. I missed him so much. I missed being in arms like this. I missed hearing him breathe this close to me.

“Come home to me, please.” His voice was just above a whisper. “I can’t do it without you.”

I would. I wanted to come home to him. I’d do it in a heartbeat.
If only things were different.

Resisting hugging him back was beyond challenging but I didn’t have the right amount of bravery to push him away either, so I just let him hug me as long as he did.

“I love you.” I heard him once more.  “I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you.”

No words. No words came out of my mouth.
The voice in my head wanting to tell him how much I love him too was pushed back by my defenses.

He broke free of me when I remained silent. He was standing right in front of me with a look of disbelief on his face. He was trying to read me and I must have looked indifferent in his eyes. Not crying and just staring back at him right now.

He looked a bit confused as he wet his lips before he spoke.

“You’re giving me up.” He stated without removing his eyes on me for a second, his voice controlled.

He sounded like he realized it. His grief-stricken face was suddenly so unbearable to see.

“Why…why won’t you fight for me?” He intercepted, sounding vulnerable again. “I thought you told me that we were in this together? Am I not worth a fight?” There was an evident hurt in his tone.

“I did it to save you.” For some miracle, I was finally able to find my voice.

“!” He hissed. “I don’t need saving.”

Looking very mad, his angry eyes pierced through my soul.
I shivered and it wasn’t because of the wind.

“I only need you.” His voice went gentle suddenly as a soft expression on his face took over.

Seeing him this drunk, I couldn’t help but be guilty. I was the one who caused him this.
I am to blame for the misery in his eyes.

But I knew that there was no turning back. I couldn’t take back everything I said. Not after the agreement I had with Eun Chan. I couldn’t be the cause of his downfall. So, with a brave face, I opened my mouth to utter words that would surely break him and make him give up on me for once.

“I’m going back to Australia Baekhyun.” I gulped forcing myself to get the words out. “And I’m not coming back.”

I swear, I saw him flinch as if what I said physically hurt him.

“I shouldn’t have come here in the first place.” I gulped as something in me was trying to stop me from what I was about to say. “So, you’d better forget about me,” I told him, mustering every ounce of courage I had left to hold his gaze. “And I’m going to do the same thing. I’m going to forget you. Every single thing about you.”

His mouth fell open as he smirked, looking at me like I just said the most absurd thing ever. Then, he bent his body, his hands resting on his knees. He shook his head sideways before he straightened his posture and looked at me again.

“How could you be so cruel to me?” He asked, anguish evident both on his face and tone. “Tell me…what…what have I done to you for you to hurt me this much?” He trailed off as he lifted his hands on his head and walked a few steps away.

When he walked back, his hands were still on his head, holding his hair away from his face as he looked unbelievably at me.

“And how the do you have the heart to tell me that you’re going to forget about every single thing about me?” The volume of his voice raised once more. “How do you have the strength to say that when I’m about to lose my because I can’t even get you off my mind for a second?!” He asked, almost breathless.

I didn’t say anything as I was shocked at how he looked so furious again right now. I had seen him angry a few times but this time it’s different. He was mad at me and this has never happened before.

“How!?” He yelled and it scared the hell out of me.

I looked at him but I still couldn’t reply.
I could only swallow as I avoided his eyes for a moment as I felt my hands trembling.

He was crying.
He was crying when I turned to face him again.

“, how am I going to forget you?” His voice was broken due to crying.

His shoulders were shaking as he covered his eyes with his hand before wiping them.
Oh my god, I’ve never seen him cry this hard before.
This is excruciating. This is torture.

“How could you make me love you this much when you’re leaving me anyway?”

The way his eyes were piercing through mine right now sent shivers down my spine.

“I’m sorry Baekhyun. I don’t have any choice.” I reasoned out, the best that my stupid brain could come up with right now.

“No!” He yelled once more. “Of course, you have a choice.” He answered and even in the dark, I could see tears streaming down his face. “You could’ve chosen to stay by my side and have me deal with the consequences that you’re so afraid to happen to me. I told you I was ready. I told you I could win this. I told you to trust me.”

The way he firmly phrased his words, I knew he meant every bit of it.

“I told you that I ing love you more than anything.”

Oh my god, Baekhyun. Please stop.

“You could’ve chosen me.” He added as his shoulders slumped, sounding frustrated. “You could’ve chosen me.” He repeated before letting out a deep breath.

There was no use stopping myself from crying. I’d be a fool to believe that I could resist my stupid tears with this sight before my eyes.

“I’m leaving Baekhyun,” I told him, ignoring the pain I felt behind my chest.

I died inside.

He gazed at me and it was clear how he winched as he heard me.

“You’re rubbing it on my face, huh?” He stated smugly. “So now tell me.” Sarcasm filled his tone. “Did you tell that son of a that you broke up with me that’s why there are no traces of our photos anymore?”

“Yes, Baekhyun. I did.”

“And what did he ask you in return? Did he ask you to be with him?”

I took a deep breath and held my chin up as I answered him.

“You shouldn’t care about what I do with my life anymore.”

I admit, I was being mean and a total towards him right now. But I didn’t know what else to do to make him leave.

“ you!” He hissed. “ you, Park Hae Won!” He shouted, crying angrily. “How could you turn away from me… push me away and be with that monster?” He continued. “You know I’m the one you love.”

“My love for you won’t do you any good Baekhyun.” I blinked, letting my silent tears roll down my cheeks.

“Yes.” H