“Go ahead and watch my heart burn, with the fire that you started in me…”
Rosé shivered slightly as she sat in the coffee shop, drenched from her head to toe. Her usually bright and sparkly eyes were now dull and swollen from crying. Her usually good appetite was now completely gone as all she ordered was one cup of espresso which she clutched softly in her hands
“It’s over” tears once again started pooling in her eyes as she pulled out her phone. She scrolled through her contacts and stopped when she spotted her best friend’s name, Lisa.
“What can I tell her? She doesn’t even know that I…that I like girls.” Chaeyoung thought to herself as her heart raced. Chaeyoung wanted to talk to someone but she wasn’t open although she was ready to open up to those close to her. But she was too afraid; she didn’t want to loose any more people.
Just then a memory from her trainee days came back to her.
“Chaeyoung-ah can I talk to you” Chaeyoung looked up from her guitar to see Jisoo standing at the door.
“Of course Unnie” she smiled as Jisoo walked into the room and kneeled in front of Chaeyoung grabbing her hand
“Look Chaeyoung, if something is wrong, if something is bothering you, you can tell me”
“Uh...what makes you think that I am bothered by something?”
Jisoo smiled at her sadly “It’s pretty obvious. You are very distracted, you haven’t been eating properly, and I can see your eyes swollen from crying time to time”
Chaeyoung looked away “Oh”
“Everyone is worried about you especially Lisa. You guys are best friends yet you barely spend time with her anymore, or with me and Jennie. You just sit locked in your room. So please if there is something that’s bothering you, share it.”
“Unnie I… I don’t know” Chaeyoung knew though, and she wanted to tell Jisoo. She wanted to say “Unnie I think I might like girls, I know this because I really like Jennie unnie but she likes someone else and I don’t know what to do. It’s so difficult keeping all this to myself but I can’t tell anyone...not yet” she thought to herself but didn’t have the courage to say. Jisoo noticed the hesitance in her eyes
“Very well then” Jisoo said squeezing her hands “It’s ok if you are not willing to tell me, but vent it out, write a note or something. Trust me it will help” Chaeyoung nodded and Jisoo stood up to leave “And we are always here for you Chaeyoung-ah”
“Excuse me” Chaeyoung sheepishly approached the counter “could I…could I get some tissues and a pen please?” the lady at the counter gave Chaeyoung a look of pity as she handed her what she asked for. Chaeyoung bowed and went back to her seat as she began writing on the tissues
‘6-07-2018 I am sitting in a coffee shop alone, just me and my stupid broken heart. Sometimes I really wonder why I let this happen in the first place. It wasn’t like there was any chance of her returning my feelings, but I still let her in. I regret not having walked away the moment I started catching feelings for her. It didn’t take long for that to happen after I came over to Korea but I’m not sure the exact moment when it happened. Maybe it was when she would sit by my side at 4 am during my first week and hold me while I cried my heart out missing my home and my family. Maybe it was when she took me to Hongdae for the first time. We weren’t alone but it felt like we were as we held hands and ran around the streets until we got tired. Maybe it was when I was yelled at during evaluations and she came after me when I ran to cry in the bathroom, so she could wipe my tears and give me courage. Maybe it was because of the times she came to me and asked me to play her the guitar. Maybe it was the time when she arranged a surprise party for me on my birthday, it was the first time we danced together or maybe it was when she stood up for me when those girls ganged up on me and bullied me.
Anyways, it doesn’t matter because I know she never liked me like that. There were some other trainees occasionally she would like. There was this guy she used to have a crush on and even a girl once, I should have been happy for her but every time I watched her blush while holding hands with the girl it made my heart ache. Why couldn’t I be that girl, I loved her more than that trainee did, I was willing to do so much for her. I would take her shopping and hold her bags while she tried on dresses, I would have written her songs and serenaded her, I would have bought her small gifts daily just to see her smile, I would have taken her to places, we would have spent the weekends together cuddling and watching movies while eating pizza, we would have sneaked out of our dorm to go on adventures together, I would have done anything to ensure that the smile never left her lips, I swear I could have jumped in front of a car for her, in return all I wanted was for her to love me, why was it so much to ask. Didn’t I deserve that? I was the one who was there for her during those nights when she would cry by herself until she falls asleep, I was the one she would open up to. I was the one around whom she didn’t need to be the y badass Jennie Kim but instead the cute and clingy Jenduek she is. Why was it so hard for her to see how I would do anything for her happiness?
I tried burying my feelings even though I deserved to have my feelings returned but I know she never will. I’m just a nice girl, I’m not that pretty or funny or y or charming person she usually likes. I am just someone for her to go to when she wants to cry because she can’t cry in front of other people.
After our debut, I managed to create a distance between us. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t make my heart ache every time I saw her even though the distance did seem to eventually help. But alas, it didn’t take even a week of us by ourselves to ensure my feelings came rushing back to me. And now here I am. I don’t deserve the hurt or maybe I do, I didn’t want to fall for her. I just did and now I’m hurting all alone. Why does it have to be this way, why does it have to be so hard? I wonder if…’
Just then her phone buzzed startling her
‘Come home, it’s getting late. My parents are back’ read the text that she had just received from Jennie. She glanced out of the coffee shop to notice that the sun was in fact about to set. It wasn’t very safe for her to be out by herself this late. She pocketed the tissue and stood up to leave as she wiped away her tears. She definitely felt lighter in her heart as she walked back to Jennie’s house.
It was already dark when Rosé arrived at the Kim’s Residence. As she entered the front door, small chatters can be heard from the dining room. Rosé quickly walked past where the family’s currently eating their dinner when unfortunately, the mother of the Kim’s noticed her.
“Oh Chaeyoung-ah, you’re already here.”
Rosé stopped in her tracks and faced to where the voice came from.
“Ah, yes eomma. I just arrived.” She smiled looking at the family except for the girl who was having her head down with her eyes focused only on her food.
“Come and have dinner with us Chaeng.” Mister Kim offered “we sure do miss having a meal with you.” He added.
“Ah, thank you appa but I already had dinner before I went back here.” Rosé politely declined lying about having dinner already. “I’ll just go upstairs and prepare myself to sleep. Welcome home by the way.” She added.
Rosé smiled and went to walk upstairs towards Jennie’s room. As she entered, she immediately went to the closet to grab her bag and packed her things. For Rosé, coming in to this place with Jennie is already a wrong idea and staying for another day is a great torture. Walking back and forth, she quickly took all her things, folded all her clothes and placed it inside her bag, not minding if her things were organized or not, before Jennie arrives and stop her from leaving.
A few minutes later, as she was zipping her bag close, Jennie comes in. Confusion was evident on the older girl’s face as she saw the tall girl’s packed things lying on her bed. Just as she was about to look for Rosé, the tall girl walked out from the bathroom all dressed in her pyjamas wiping her just-washed face with a towel.
“Where are you going?” Jennie asked with seriousness in her voice.
The tall girl finally met Jennie’s eyes for the first time since their moment, just shrugged and plainly said “I’m leaving.”
Jennie got alarmed after hearing what her friend said “What? But why?”
Rosé took her things from Jennie’s bed and placed it on the chair beside the closet. She looked at the older girl uninterestingly and answered the question. “I’m no longer comfortable here, unnie.”
“You’re not comfortable? Why? What made uncomfortable, Chaeng? Please tell me. I promised Lisa and Jisoo-unnie to make you happy while we’re on this vacation and knowing that you’re uncomfortable makes me a failure.”
Rosé took the mattress from Jennie’s closet and the extra pillow on the bed without answering the older girl’s question. She then placed the mattress on the floor while Jennie’s being confused as to what the younger girl is currently doing. “You can have the bed, unnie. I’m sleeping here on the floor.”
“No, Rosie. You can sleep here on the bed.” The older girl sighed and took the blanket from the younger girl as she was about to cover herself.
"Unnie please, I’m tired. I want to sleep already. Just give me that blanket.” Rosé said calmly not wanting her emotions to take over her.
“Is this about what happened earlier today? Is this about the kiss? Look Chaeng, if this is about it then let’s forget that it happened.” Jennie said trying to reassure the tall girl that what happened was nothing to her.
“Forget? Do you think I can forget about it that easily, Jen?” Rosé blurted out in her Australian accent that shocked Jennie.
“Chaeng, I...” Jennie tried to say something but the younger girl cut her off.
“Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to forget about that kiss? I spent the whole day doing everything to forget about it but it’s not leaving my stupid head, Jen.” Rosé stood up and stared at Jennie with pain in her eyes as she started crying. “Maybe it was nothing to you but it means something to me and it is breaking me.” Rosé harshly wiped the tears on her face. “It breaks me unnie and I don’t even know how to fix myself or if I can still fix myself.”
Being shocked is an understatement for Jennie as she was thinking on how to approach her crying friend. She then slowly walked close to the crying girl and tried hugging her, luckily for her, Rosé did not push her away. The older girl led Rosé to sit on the bed and just let her cry on her shoulder.
“I’m sorry Hubby. I’m sorry if that kiss...that kiss made you uncomfortable. I mean, I know how much you treasure your first kiss and here I am just took it away from you. I shouldn’t have let that happened. It could've been avoided. I mean I shouldn't have kissed back right? I’m so sorry, Chaeng. Please don’t think about it too much. These things happen and it won’t change anything between us.” The older girl tried to console the younger girl thinking that it was the reason why Rosé wants to leave
Hearing what the older girl said, Rosé then pulled herself away from the short girl. “You don’t understand unnie.”
Jennie stared at the younger girl’s eyes full of tears “What do you mean, Chaeng?”
Rosé stared back at Jennie’s eyes with the same intensity the older girl’s giving her.
“I like you, Jen. No, let me rephrase that. I am in love with you.” Rosé confessed in her full Australian accent.
“Uhm, Ch-chaeng what are you saying?” Jennie said unable process what the tall girl suddenly confessed.
“You might find it hard to believe but unnie I already have feelings for you ever since we were trainees. I tried so hard to just forget about this stupid feeling and I thought that it was gone but with this whole vacation thing I...it came back. I am feeling it again and this time, I can no longer control it.” Rosé confessed as she was crying so hard looking intently at the love of her life. Her hands had gone cold and her heart was racing.
Jennie couldn’t respond or maybe she doesn’t want to respond. Her mind stopped working. It wasn’t her first time that someone confessed their love to her and during those times, she wasn’t having a hard time rejecting someone’s feelings but this time is different. She doesn’t want to hurt her friend even more. So instead of responding to her friend’s confession, she stood up, grabbed the tall girl’s hand and guided her to lie down on the bed.
“Come on Chaeng, let’s sleep. If you want to go home tomorrow then we’ll go home together.” Jennie then turned to the other side with her back facing Rosé’s.
Rosé knew all along that the older girl doesn’t feel the same way. She just had to do what she thinks was the right thing to do, what she thinks would help her let go and completely forget her feelings towards the older girl. She knew right then and there that their friendship is already falling apart and it was because of her, because of her stupid feelings.
Rosé faced the side opposite to Jennie, their backs facing each other, and just cried. She cried silently pouring her heart out until there’s no more tears left to cry. Unbeknownst to Rosé, Jennie was also crying silently. Not because she was hurt but because she doesn’t want to hurt her friend. She can’t tell Rosé that she doesn’t feel the same way in front of her friend’s face. Sure she loves the tall girl but not like how the tall girl loves her. She only sees her as a friend, a very important one.
Thinking that the tall girl has fallen asleep, Jennie moved and turned to face the tall girl’s back. “I’m sorry Chaeng. I’m sorry that I don’t love you like how you love me and I’m sorry if I didn’t say anything awhile ago. I just don’t want to hurt you, Chaeng but I think I already did. You are a wonderful person Chaeng and I don’t deserve your love, I don’t even deserve you. I’m so sorry hubby.” Jennie kissed Rosé’s temple and then went to turn back to her original position.
Rosé could no longer stop crying right after hearing what the older girl said. She pretended that she has fallen asleep when she felt Jennie moved hoping for a slightest bit that the older girl would hug her but instead, all she got was a hard slap of truth that the older girl doesn’t love her back.
Rosé forced herself to sleep with a heavy heart and wished that when she wakes up the next day, everything will be back to normal like how they were before.