suffocated.

So It Goes

I FEEL SORRY TO HIM. My sense of right and wrong has died already, or I've just started experiencing puberty now? But seriously, this late? I shouldn’t hurt anyone just because of some transition period in life.

“Hey ugly!” He waves at me.

I still wonder how he's able to remain smiley in front of me, the one who keeps on getting worked up near him for no clear reason?

I texted him that I wanted to say something very important today. I typed, let’s hit the mall. He said it before that he wanted to be treated in some fancy restaurants, the mall or something, right.

I walk to his car and get in it.

“Which mall should we go to?” I ask him. I'm letting the customer decide.

“The most fun one!” He squeals.

He really is a smiley guy.

---

This is totally not the mall.

I should’ve sensed this guy’s interpretation about places, the moment he brought me to that noodle place instead of a legit fancy restaurant.

We’re currently in a night amusement park, where it’s all about tall rides which are scary, dangerous, bad for mental and physical health.

Why don’t these people study, eat with the family or sleep at home in this hour—so the director can just close this place already?

“Can we not go inside?”

“What are you talking about? We’ve just gotten the tickets. Let’s goo!”

He’s running to the roller coaster, one of the tallest rides I-hate-to-even-think-about here. He looks very excited like a little puppy after being fed by its mother. Meanwhile, I am far from that. I don’t resemble any puppy at all but more like a snail, who’s lost its own home so it’s finding its way out of here. And since it’s slow and weak, anyone can easily step on it. Without even realizing it.

“We’re going to the roller coaster!” He sings that, while dragging my wrist to the ride. My legs feel really weak as we get closer to it.

It’s impossible for me to fight this Xiao Gui guy. He’s so fully charged in this kind of place.

As he drags me to the queue, I can’t take it anymore. Just the sight of the ride already makes my head feel dizzy. So it’s not just the legs this time, but everything.

“Ugly, you’re alright?”

I shake my head and sit on the ground.

“Don’t sit here, ugh, poor your jeans.” Someone who worries about jeans instead of the person, actually exists. He supports my back and holds my arm, leading me to a bench there. “Come on, let’s just sit there.”

“Have you eaten dinner?” He asks, while looking at me.

“Nope. It’s not passed dinner time, yet.” I feel heavy on the head, so I turn to the ground, trying to get it together.

“Are you ok if you wait here, by yourself? I’ll go get something quick.” I nod slightly, then just lean my head on a tree nearby.

It’s been only like 10 mins and I already bother him for my mental health’s need.

I’m a bad seller.

---

“Here. Hope you like it.” He puts a burger and a bottle of water beside me.

But I don’t feel like eating at all.

I stay leaning on the tree, closing my eyes shut. I’m not sleeping.

“Maybe you should start with this.” He opens the bottle, then hands it to me.

I don't receive it and just shake my head. “Thanks.” I murmur.

“Come on, just drink a little bit. I’ll help you.” He lingers his arm around my shoulder, to help me straightening my back then puts it on my mouth.

So I [have to] drink a little bit.

“Thanks.” I pause. “—and sorry.”

“For?”

“Everything.”

“By the way... are you good now?” He asks gently, like he's whispering.

I just sigh.

“Can you eat the burger?” He puts it on my lap then takes his own burger. “Look, I’m also eating it right now.”

I shouldn’t become a nuisance in anyone’s life. Not anymore.

I start sitting straight then take the burger closer to my mouth. But as I take a bite, my eyes start producing tears. They fall one by one on my cheeks. I try to make the rest stay inside of the eyes by looking at the sky.

“Does it hurt that bad?”

I hate that it feels like a melancholic question. Why am I now in that mode.

I turn to him. “It’s not about the hand.” Because I've stopped looking at the sky, the tears start falling like rainfalls but only on the cheeks.

“It’s somehow.... related to how it became like this.” I mumble.

I turn to the ground and cover my face with my hands. “Act like you don't see this, ok.”

He starts patting my back.

Ugh. He's been a good person all this time. But what have I been doing?

I wipe my tears, then looks at him. “You’re a good person, really.” I sniffle.

“Sorry, that I’ve been a stupid ticking-bomb for no reason.”

“What are you talking about?” He scratches the back of his head.

"Haha." He chuckles uneasily.

“I’ve also been a real jerk to you."

"Let's just say that we’re even, then?” He adds.

I smile, slightly.

“So, do you want to stay or go back now?” He asks me.

“You like this place. Let’s just ride something.” I gulp.

“But, not the tall ones, please.”

“So you’re good now?” He leans closer, checking my face. I smile and nod in reply. “Alright, let’s goo!” He says.

I’m usually good after I cry myself out. Most likely, all the dizziness was caused by myself who tried so hard to bury her emotion. It’s unhealthy, I know that. But I can’t help it because my mental is already as this damaged.

---

The calm rides are all kid’s or couple’s activities. It’s obvious, but why did I just realize that?

“So, you want to try any of these?”

“Is there any that’s the most no-need-too-much-effort one?”

“Like, that one?” He points at some boats, shaped like swans on the river. Absolutely designed for couples.

“Are you ok with that? But it’s not heart-shaking like the roller coaster one.” I ask him.

“Whoa, anything’s fine. I’m an accepting individual.” That term is familiar.

“I can easily feel happy after doing anything.” I can tell.

We just walk to one of the swans, and get in it. He gets in first, then he helps me, by offering his hand to me; I grab it and he pulls me into the boat.

This is very romantic, for a couple. But what are we? Are we even friends?

As the swan starts moving, he asks, “What’s the important thing you wanted to ask me about?” He's talking about my text today. He adds, “Don’t say, it’s still about the hospital bill?”

“No.” I pause.

“But I’m still waiting for that, too. When will you tell me?”

“Stick to the main question. What was it?” He asks.

“I said it already.”

“Really? When?”

"That... I’m sorry for being so annoying these days.”

“Ah...” He flashes his eyebrows.

“Why?”

“Nothing. You should try to be more chill sometimes. Don’t think too much about everything.”

I chuckle.

“I used to be like that, before.”

“But I realized that I start losing people because of that.” I press my eyes together. “If only I was a bit more careful, they might still be here.”

“Did they move away or something?”

“I don’t know. But it’s likely that they’ve disappeared forever.”

There's a brief pause after that. He's probably sorry to me.

“Don't blame yourself." He mutters.

"They might not like it if you still do, I think.”

“You’re probably right.” I mumble.

“It’s good to have someone to talk to about this.” I turn to him. “Thank you, again.”

“So, let’s move on?”

I turn to him, startled.

It's really what I need to keep in mind.

“Let’s go to other rides!” He pulls my wrist and drags me out of the swan.

He’s been very careful that he only holds my left wrist. I’m touched with how he remembers which hand that's not ok. Even actually my injured hand is fine if it’s being held, but I'm still touched with his consideration.

“Whoaa that’s Spiderman!” He’s looking at a line of plushies displayed on a rack in front of us. They’re the prizes for a water-shooting game; I can see two water guns and two bulls-eye pictures on the wall.

He’s glued to the particular plushie already, so he holds my bag and drags me there in instant. As we’re about to reach the stand, he stops, then turns to me.

He asks, “Wait, you like Spiderman?"

“Maybe.” I flash my eyebrows. “Although I prefer DC.”

“Why? Marvel is actually more human.”

“That’s exactly why. I love overpowered stuff.” I chuckle.

He purses his lips, then just continues dragging my bag to the booth.

“Look, it’s going to be weird if I get the Spiderman for myself, so I’ll just get it for you.”

“Come on, I know someone who’s fine when people know he likes puppies and stuff.” I giggle.

“Besides, I’m not a doll person. So you must keep it yourself.”

“Just act like I’m giving it to you.”

“Nobody’s around!” I groan.

“I’m more afraid of being embarrassed to my own self.”

“I saw you the other day with a teddy bear tied on your belt, and you’re fine, though?”

“Wrong. That’s a unicorn.” He squints. “With rainbow highlights.”

I stick my tongue out then bite it.

“Okay, sorry. You're like, can't go outside without a little friend. I’m really sorry.”

He starts furrowing his eyebrows, while glaring at me. This is so funny. Sorry that I burst into laughter.

“Hello, do you want to play? It’s $10.” Says the man inside the booth.

Xiao Gui turns to him and replies, “Yes. One round, please.”

---

But he kept repeating the round, until he finally got the Spiderman.

I couldn't annoy him for that because the water was tricky. It always didn't hit the bulls-eye but much lower. It seemed like the booth man did that in purpose, until Xiao Gui bought the nth round.

I believe, the money he spent was more than the cost of the plushie.

“You’re not going to stick that on your pants, right?” The Spiderman is huge. He’ll look like a schizophrenic with that.

He's dumb sometimes, but I’ll still pity him if he incidentally makes it obvious to everybody through his ootd.

I was adoring him for being very nice to have around and all that, but now I’m insulting him already. Am I actually the schizophrenic one with split personality complication?

“It’s too big, I know right.” He hands it to me. “I told you I’m giving it to you.”

“Noo, thanks.” I push it to him.

He holds my shoulder then turns me around. He s my bag and just puts the plushie inside.

I mutter, “I’ll not take the responsibility if anything happens to it, ok.”

“Just do what you want.”

“It’s weird that you’re chill about it.” I tilt my head. “Are you probably screaming inside?” I lean closer to his face, examining his tiny eyes.

He pushes my forehead with his palm.

I continue, “Or, you have double personalities and this one is different with the one dragged me to the booth?”

Humans tend to apply their own judgment about themselves on other people. Lol.

“I said it before, it’s for you.”

“Okay...” I chuckle. “—at least, I’ve told you the pre-cautions.”

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unfriend_haters
#1
Thank you for writing and sharing.