One of the perks of working from home is that one can avoid confrontation easily.

Jinwoo just needed a little time. He wasn’t ready, not yet. And if self care tips had taught him anything it was that he didn’t need to do anything that he wasn’t ready for and he didn’t need to force himself to do anything he wasn’t comfortable with doing.

Following this great piece of advice for preserving one’s mental health, Jinwoo gave himself some time to relax.

The ironic thing was that he ended up using work to relax; he hadn’t been so productive in months. Perhaps it was because he was also using work as a distraction, for three weeks straight telling himself that there was simply too much to be done for him to confront his problems.

He just needed some time for himself, which was why he also couldn’t bring himself to reply to any of his friends’ messages. He wouldn’t know what to say anyway.

His breaking point was the day he’d finished all of the work he’d had piling up. He’d managed to meet deadlines and would have to wait on editor’s words.

And he did try continuing one of his writing projects or start a new, smaller one, but to no avail. His focus was dissolving, there were too many things on his mind.

Three weeks later, he was starting to lose it just a bit.

He couldn’t stand being indoors, in the same space, the same apartment, but he also couldn’t stand being outside. He couldn’t stand being alone, but he also couldn’t stand being with people. He wanted help… but he couldn’t ask for it. He didn’t want to bother anyone.

No, he needed to figure this out on his own.

All day long he felt agitated and anxious. He often found himself pacing around, itching to hit something, to somehow inflict some sort of pain upon himself, but he wasn’t the self destructive type, nor did he want to destroy any of his stuff, so he made sure to shove it all deep down and ignore it, never acting on those urges.

A week and a half in, Mino had stopped texting him. At first he’d tried talking to Jinwoo, then he’d only tuned in every once in a while with a joke or a song, a funny or amusing event from his day, hoping to cheer Jinwoo up. And perhaps he was hoping that Jinwoo would reply, that he would say anything.

But Jinwoo couldn’t talk to him, he couldn’t talk to anyone. Not even Yoon, whose worry was a bit more evident.

The day Jinwoo had found himself with no work, he’d tried going out, taking a walk, doing some shopping (because snacks were the only thing keeping him alive at the moment), but nothing helped.

Nothing helped and when Jinwoo arrived home, he only dropped his bags, staggered over to the living room and melted onto the carpet.

He couldn’t breathe. He was choking on the lump in his throat until he finally teared up, from where there was no going back.

There was no use even attempting to stop the tears.

He felt pathetic. He’d cried more in the past few weeks than he had in his entire life.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. Jinwoo didn’t remember why he’d even left it on, considering he didn’t want to talk to anyone.

With a sigh, he finally picked it up. Perhaps he was subconsciously hoping that someone would reach out to him.

Even though people had already reached out and he’d shut them down... It was sort of ungrateful on his part. He knew he didn’t deserve the help.

So when he saw the obvious angry tone in Jiho’s messages, he wasn’t surprised.

[woozico0914] dude I get it youre going through some but just one message

[woozico0914] Minos freaking out and I really dont want his panic attacks to return

[woozico0914] send him literally anything send him a ing emoji just to let him know youre okay

[woozico0914] everyones worried about you both

Everyone else’s approach was gentler, but perhaps Jinwoo needed this one to snap him back to reality. He realized, somewhere through his own misery, that he actually didn’t know anything about Mino’s panic attacks. Was he okay? If Jinwoo had caused Mino’s state to worsen, he would never forgive himself.

He opened their long forgotten chat, and for a while just stared at Mino’s last few messages.

[realllllmino] please let me know if theres anything i can do

[realllllmino] i love you 💙 i hope youre safe

Reading them over and over again, going a bit earlier in the chat too, Jinwoo found himself teary eyed again.

Crying pathetically on the floor, he decided that he would call Mino. Because he needed to apologize, because he wanted to check up on him and because he needed help. He couldn’t deny it anymore.

But first, he needed to calm down a bit.

Throughout the process, he didn’t move from the floor for a second.

Once he could breathe normally, he finally called his boyfriend.

He’d thought he’d be anxious while waiting for Mino to pick up, but at that point he’d cried so much that he felt like there was truly nothing left.

“Hyung,” the younger sounded breathless.

Jinwoo wanted to say so much. So many questions, apologies and words of reassurance were swarming around his mind that he ended up unable to utter any of them.

He cleared his throat and gave a generic, “Hi.”

“Are you—Wh—” He could hear Mino sighing on the other line. “Hold on a second.” There were sounds of shuffling, a door closing and soon he heard Mino’s voice again. “I’m really glad you called. I’m very upset with you right now.”

Jinwoo closed his eyes, feeling small beady tears in the corners of his eyes. “I know. I’m sorry. You have all the right to be upset, but I am sorry. I really am,” he spoke quietly.

“I know, love. I know that you need space too. But I was out of my mind. I mean—I know I might be a little over-attached, but I was really worried. I—I tried not to, but so many scenarios went through my head and—”

Jinwoo decided to cut him off there and offer the reassurance he’d depraved him off for weeks. “Mino-yah, I’m fine. I promise, I’m okay. I just needed to figure some things out and I thought… I thought that doing it on my own would be the best way around it.”

There was a noise from the other line that Jinwoo could’ve sworn was a sniffle. He’d never heard Mino cry before. “No one can fight your battles for you, that’s true. You have to figure things out on your own, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have some help with it. Even if you don’t want help directly with your problems, you can just let people be there for you, y’know? Or at least, the very ing least let them know that you’re not in danger or some .”

Jinwoo stayed silent as Mino took deep breaths to calm down.

“Yeah, that’s it. That’s all I had to say. So… How are you?”

The answer to that could not be “fine” or anything along the lines of and they both knew it. But they also knew that Mino was merely taking interest in Jinwoo’s wellbeing and there was really no better way to word that.

“I’m… a bit lost, mentally, but otherwise okay.” He paused and sat up. He got hit by a wave of dizziness and he tried to blink it away quickly. “But how are you?”

“Better now,” Mino said. He didn’t let himself stay the subject for too long, immediately moving on, “Do you need anything? I haven’t—I understand if you need more time, but I miss you.”

Jinwoo sniffled a bit; he wasn’t as good at reading people and getting through to them as Mino was, so it would be more difficult for him to debunk the situation, but he was determined. He didn’t want to abandon Mino’s health again.

“I miss you too. I’m not… really in the state to go out. If you want, you can come over…?” He offered timidly.

“That’d be great. I get off in like… two hours? I gotta run back home for a second, I’ll text you when I’m on my way.”

Jinwoo heaved a deep sigh and closed his eyes, smiling faintly. “Take your time. Thank you Mino. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You’d be fine, hyungie. You’re strong. But I want to be there for you, so you don’t have to do it all alone.”

Jinwoo bit down on his lower lip. Enough. No more crying. “I love you.”

Mino paused and the next time he spoke, Jinwoo could hear the smile in his voice. “I love you too. See you soon!”

* * *

While waiting for Mino to arrive, Jinwoo decided to move. He decided to do anything that would help him feel better, physically at least. He put away the groceries he’d previously dropped in favour of having a mental breakdown, he tidied around the house, he took a shower, washed his hair and picked out a cute outfit.

He didn’t want to move too far from his usual house wear, he didn’t feel like getting all dressed up for a home date and above all, he wanted to be comfortable.

The cute outfit consisted of a pair of sweatpants, a big white sweater and a pair of fuzzy socks.

It was perfect.

Mino didn’t even say anything when he saw Jinwoo, only embraced him. Jinwoo found himself clinging to the younger, standing at the doorway, both unwilling to move or let go of each other. This hug was what they’d both needed.

When Mino did pull away though, he cupped Jinwoo’s cheeks and placed a very soft kiss to his lips. Then another one. Then he kissed all over his cheeks and nose, and despite everything, these kiss attacks of Mino’s never failed to make Jinwoo smile.

“God, I’ve missed you,” the younger mumbled.

“I’ve missed you too.”

Taking one of Jinwoo’s hands in his own, Mino pressed a few kisses to his wrist, then held it to his chest. “Please, next time you need some space, tell me. I was so worried.” He shook his head.

Jinwoo’s smile melted away and he gave a small nod. “I will. I’m sorry, I just got tangled with everything and I wasn’t really thinking straight…”

Mino leaned in and kissed his forehead, then pulled him in again. “It’s fine. It’s okay, I understand. Just talk to me next time.”

Jinwoo nodded again and sighed. They resumed their hug for a little longer, before Mino pulled back and gently pinched Jinwoo’s cheek. He was smiling. “Now, let’s cheer you up.”

After he’d taken his shoes off and hung up his jacket, Mino took Jinwoo’s hand and led him to the living room.

“I brought snacks,” he was saying as he sat on the couch and placed his backpack in his lap. “Though I suppose doing that gross couple-y cooking together thing could be fun too,” he noted.

Jinwoo giggled, peeking into Mino’s backpack to see what he’d brought. “We can do that tomorrow. For now a bunch of snacks sounds ideal.”

While they roamed through Mino’s backpack to see what they’d be munching first, Jinwoo’s mind kept returning to an important matter that he would have to bring up, and unfortunately break the relaxed atmosphere.

His hand found Mino’s, he shuffled closer and he started playing with his fingers. “Before we start relaxing, I have to ask you something.”

Mino’s smile was faltering, he could hear the sternness in Jinwoo’s voice. “Sure, ask away.”

“Well, it’s actually...” Jinwoo sighed, trying to find the best way to retell the story without making Jiho sound bad. “The reason I called you—The reason I managed to snap out of it and give you a call was a message I received from Jiho...”

“Okay,” Mino prompted him to continue.

“He seemed upset, so I guess he said what he thought would help most, but... He mentioned—he said that you were worried and he mentioned panic attacks..”

Mino’s first reaction was a big sigh.

“He didn’t mean anything bad,” Jinwoo said quickly, trying to cushion the situation.

Mino gave a few nods; he was still letting Jinwoo play with his hand, which was a good sign. “I know that. He’s just looking out for me.” He paused and his features contorted for the briefest moment. “I’m a tiny bit pissed that he felt free to talk about it like that—” After another pause he relaxed again and shook his head. “—but I understand he was freaking out and just wanted to help, so it’s okay.”

“Right. Well, I just wanted to ask you because...” Jinwoo trailed off. He interlocked their fingers, now only holding Mino’s hand in his own. “You’ve been so supportive of me, and so understanding. But I never knew about what troubles you might have.” He glanced up and met Mino’s gaze, as he wanted to show his sincerity. “That was selfish of me and I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I was the cause of your stress and anxiety. I just didn’t know and...”

Mino shook his head and pulled his hand free to be able to hold Jinwoo’s face. “It’s fine. I was just worried. And Jiho was worried too so he blew it a bit out of proportion. If I’d truly been hurt I wouldn’t have gotten over this so quickly. Okay?”

Looking up at him with trusting eyes, Jinwoo nodded. “Okay.”

Mino let go, and instead pulled the elder into a tight hug.

But then he sighed, beginning to play with his hair. “I suppose I should tell you though, since I kinda gave you the whole speech about communication and honesty.”

Jinwoo glanced up curiously. “Yeah, you probably should,” he said, even though he was yet to find out what Mino was referring to.

“Jiho may have been overreacting in this case, but he had reason for it. I have—some kind of a panic disorder, I don’t ing know. It all escalated a year and a bit ago and it was—it was pretty bad. But he was with me through it all and I guess he doesn’t want that stuff to repeat itself.”

Jinwoo was no stranger to anxiety. Although he couldn’t know what it had been like for Mino, he still understood. “I’m glad you weren’t alone through it,” he said. “And you know we can talk about this always; if you need space, if you need proximity—”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Mino cut him off, clearly not eager to stay on the topic. To reassure Jinwoo, he added, “I appreciate that. I’d—gone to therapy and all that, I’ve learned to talk about this stuff and communicate my needs and—yeah, you don’t have to worry. I’m fine.” To punctuate his point, he pressed a kiss to Jinwoo’s nose, and then his lips.

And who could stay all serious after so many kisses.

Smiling faintly, Jinwoo muttered an “okay.”

“Now!” Mino said, in a much more cheerful tone. “Other than snacking, what else can we do to cheer up?”

Jinwoo pouted, thinking. “Well—I take care of my looks a lot when I’m trying to cheer up,” he said. “I did that already though... I just haven’t done my makeup, but we don’t have to do that.”

“No, let’s do that. Will you let me practice on you?”

Jinwoo stared at his boyfriend for a long moment of confusion and disbelief. “What?”

“Will you let me practice my makeup skills on you?” Mino repeated.

Jinwoo tilted his head, brows knitted. “You... use makeup?”

Mino giggled, shaking his head a bit. “No, not on myself. Although I’ve had my makeup done a few times, I don’t like wearing it all that much. I was interested in doing it for other people though.”

Jinwoo still stared, unsure what to say.

“What?” Mino questioned, smiling slyly.

“I’m just trying to figure out how this interest came to be.”

Mino raised an eyebrow. “Have you met Dean?”

Remembering the times Jinwoo had hung out with Mino’s friends, he gave a nod. “Alright, it makes sense,” he admitted.

“Seunghyun is the only one who’s escaped him so far. But Dean’s really good at what he does, he can make really subtle looks. Like once he did mine in such a way that you couldn’t even really figure out that I was wearing makeup, I was just even more handsome,” he said the last bit with a joking note and a small flick of his hair.

Jinwoo chuckled and stood up, shaking his head. “Let’s go then. I’ll show you—I haven’t gone through my makeup in a while but, we can see what I’ve got.”

He grabbed Mino by the hand and started dragging him towards his bedroom. The laughter Mino let out then made Jinwoo’s heart flutter and his cheeks flush. He couldn’t believe Mino was actually that excited to see his makeup.

The younger sat on the bed and looked around the room, observing all the details while Jinwoo looked through his drawers. He took out everything he owned and dumped it on the bed, then sat on top of the fluffy covers, with the pile of stuff between him and Mino.

“Well, that’s a lot,” Mino said and started looking through the various products, opening up the bottles to check them out. Despite what he’d picked up from Dean, he still didn’t know what all the things there were.

Jinwoo had a lot of skincare products, but what he had most of were highlighters and lip glosses.

Mino picked a pink lip gloss and opened it. He raised his eyebrows, “It smells nice.”

Jinwoo scooted closer, around all of his makeup. “Oh, yeah, it tastes like cherries too,” he said.

“For real?” Mino asked. “Come here.”

Jinwoo leaned in and parted his lips. He wasn’t sure where to look as Mino gently applied the lip gloss, so he decided to just close his eyes.

What he didn’t expect, once Mino was done, was to feel the younger’s lips on his own. Jinwoo pulled away in surprise, with his cheeks and ears burning. He blinked dumbfoundedly at Mino who was smirking.

He his lips, tilting his head. “It really does taste like cherries.”

Jinwoo looked away, balling his fist into the covers.

Mino shifted, moving closer to where Jinwoo was sitting. With the lightest of touches he lifted Jinwoo’s chin and kissed him again. This time Jinwoo didn’t pull away. He allowed Mino to deepen the kiss, to taste the cherry lip gloss off his lips.

Jinwoo’s heart was hammering against his chest, his body beginning to shake. He could hardly hold himself up, but when Mino wrapped his arm around the elder’s smaller frame, he didn’t have to. Jinwoo gave out and let Mino hold him.

As they both shifted, trying to get closer together, one bottle of makeup rolled off the bed and onto the carpet, landing with a tiny thud. More makeup products rolled off, followed by more soft thuds, but neither Jinwoo nor Mino seemed to care.

The change in the atmosphere was sudden and sharp, inescapable for the both of them. Mino was quicker to embrace it and go with it, while it still seemed heavy to Jinwoo, who was somewhat resisting it.

He did love it. He loved every touch, Mino’s hands on his bare skin as he pushed Jinwoo’s sweater up; he enjoyed every kiss Mino pressed down Jinwoo’s neck, but instead of a tingling sensation, there was tension in his chest, spreading through his body and in his gut, down where excitement should have been.

Shuddering, Jinwoo’s fingers curled into the front f Mino’s shirt, but instead of pulling him closer, Jinwoo was subconsciously pushing him away.

It wasn’t until Jinwoo’s thighs parted and Mino’s hand was rested on his hip that he winced. Just a quick flinch that Jinwoo was willing to get over and forget.

But Mino wasn’t.

He pulled away so suddenly that it startled Jinwoo. His eyes snapped open and he glanced at Mino in confusion, brows furrowed.

Mino’s hand was rested on the pillow next to Jinwoo’s head, holding himself up that way. With his free hand he gently Jinwoo’s cheek.

“Maybe we shouldn’t do this right now,” he said carefully. His gaze was calculating, as if asking something of Jinwoo, but the elder didn’t understand what.

He merely shrugged. “If you say so.”

Mino frowned at this and sat back, nearly completely detaching himself from Jinwoo. “Yeah, no. This isn’t about whether I say so, it’s about...”

He seemed to be struggling to find the right words and Jinwoo was getting mildly irritated. “What? I really don’t know what you want me to say, Mino.”

Having found his words, Mino ended up being a bit more direct than Jinwoo would have wanted him to be, “You weren’t into it. Just now, you were pushing me away.”

Jinwoo winced away and started to curl up.

Mino’s gaze was heavy on him, and when Jinwoo finally dared look at the younger, there was something resembling disappointment in his expression, but mixed with coolness.

“I’m sorry,” Jinwoo said quickly. In his experience, especially in these situations, it was better to take the blame and move on quickly. “I won’t do that again.”

However the apology did nothing but confuse Mino. “No—what? Hyung, if you weren’t into it you could have told me.”

At that point Jinwoo had his arms wrapped around himself, once again avoiding Mino’s gaze. He unfolded only to quickly pull his sweater over his shoulder before he crossed his arms again. “I didn’t want to make you mad.”

Mino needed a good minute to gather what Jinwoo was telling him. When he spoke, he sounded absolutely devastated, “When have I ever been mad at you?”

Jinwoo’s shoulders tensed up further as he tried to come up with a response. Well, the obvious one was no, given their experience together. But the real question that was only implied was, are you afraid of me?

Jinwoo didn’t know. Was he?

He forced himself to look up.

And when he did, Jinwoo didn’t see a threat, or someone he should fear, which was a category he’d had experience with. He only saw Mino, his Mino, miserable and hurt.

And it was his fault.

Jinwoo quickly shook his head, even though minutes had passed since the younger had asked the question.

“Mino, it’s not—it’s not you, it’s—” he stopped there, because he had no explanation. He didn’t know why he was so scared.

Besides, it didn’t matter right now. Right now, he only needed to reassure Mino. “I guess I didn’t say anything because I actually wanted it, but... I don’t know Mino. I don’t know what happened. I just know it wasn’t you.”

Mino sighed in relief, although he was still very obviously tense and upset. “Yeah, well, you should start telling me. Not just about this, in general. I can’t be the only who noticed that you just – you never turn me down.”

“That’s an exaggeration,” Jinwoo shot.

“Yeah it is, it’s a figure of speech,” Mino retorted promptly. “But is it that far from the truth? You never tell me when something is bothering you and I just have to go off of vague cues because, hyung, I don’t want to hurt you. I really don’t. And this – this is serious stuff, if you don’t tell me when something’s not okay, I will end up hurting you.”

“You won’t,” Jinwoo muttered. “You couldn’t.”

“I almost did.” Before Jinwoo could protest, Mino added, “I’m not pitying or doubting myself, by the way. This isn’t about me. I’m just begging you to start talking to me.”

Jinwoo really was usually very in control of his emotions and careful with his words, but perhaps it was all the pent up frustration speaking from him at that point. He scoffed and mumbled, “As if that makes any difference.”

“Yes, it does,” Mino said, having let out a tiny noise of frustration. “It makes all the difference! It makes the difference between whether I do something or not, you just have to tell me!” He wasn’t yelling, he was merely worked up and trying to get his point across.

And it worked, helping Jinwoo snap out of it.

It was difficult for him to accept, but Mino truly wasn’t like any of his exes. He listened and cared about Jinwoo’s comfort. Each time Jinwoo realized this he was equally as amazed as the previous. And every time he felt horrible for pushing a situation so far before finally realizing the same thing over and over again.

That Mino actually loved him.

“You’re right,” Jinwoo said. “I’m sorry...”

“Don’t apologize. Just, please, don’t be afraid to talk to me. I’ll never be mad at you for telling me that something makes you feel bad.”

Jinwoo nodded. He glanced up at Mino, who was making no move to come any closer, perhaps afraid to make a fatal mistake. So Jinwoo was the one to move, crawling over to place himself into Mino’s arms.

The younger sighed, once again relieved. He pressed a kiss to Jinwoo’s forehead, sitting back against the headboard.

“I love you, silly,” he said.

Jinwoo closed his eyes, pressed a kiss to the feather on Mino’s neck. “I love you too, dum dum.” He paused, then added, “You really didn’t do anything wrong, I promise. I’m just—I don’t know what’s going on with me.”

“I don’t blame myself, you don’t have to reassure me so much,” Mino said. “But I don’t blame you either.” He let quite the silence stretch out before he even dared mention what he’d known for a little while, but never before thought it was his place to speak of, “I know you’ve had some bad relationships, but—”

Jinwoo shut the conversation down immediately with a sharp, “No.”

“Love...”

“No. I don’t want to talk about them, I don’t want to think about them. There’s nothing to go over, it’s done and I’m with you now.”

Hesitantly, Mino gave another push, “I know, but it kind of looks like—”

“Please stop. You said you’d stop if I asked,” Jinwoo begged, shutting his eyes tightly.

Not that that was what Mino had meant, or that Jinwoo didn’t kind of abuse Mino’s promise, but the younger  was now trapped by his own words that he really didn’t want to argue against.

“I did say that,” he admitted defeatedly. “Fine. But just so you know, some things need to be faced.”

For some reason that last bit stuck with Jinwoo. That simple sentence managed to, in a split second, open his eyes to the fact that his suppression method hadn’t worked as splendidly as it had appeared on the surface...

No.

He refused to think about this right now.

For now he only wanted to be aware of Mino, his scent, his heartbeat that Jinwoo could hear with the way his head was rested on the younger’s chest.