o31

Of Fear and of Truth

Baekhyun didn’t talk much when they went into the cabin, setting their lights on the table as Hei waited patiently, already changed into a nightgown. He washed his face, drank a glass of water and rinsed his mouth before changing into more comfortable clothing also. It was a familiar routine, but also one they had missed for two days.

Hei sat cross-legged on the bed, waiting. The seasickness had gotten much after Yuxuan had started giving her the tonic, but it was still there sometimes, a reminder to be cautious and a reminder of the baby. Six weeks, Yuxuan had informed her, give or take.

Baekhyun joined her a little while later. Hei didn’t know if it were a trick of the light or real, but he seemed to have gotten paler since Hell’s Gate. There was no sun, after all, and after a couple of days before the gates where the skies had been mainly stormy or cloudy, then a couple more where the sun simply didn’t exist seemed to have leeched a bit of him too.

“Hei,” he said, the one syllable full of too many things. She missed him, even though it hadn’t been long, and it was clear that he was thinking the same thing. Hei offered him a hand again, and Baekhyun took it.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, then like a dam had been broken, all the words spilled out. “I wasn’t—I thought I just needed time, but I didn’t mean to be that—I didn’t mean to hurt you again.”

He was looking at her bandaged arm. Hei hadn’t wanted to bother Yuxuan or waste her power when many of them could very well get injuries that were even worse, but the healer had given her salve to rub on both of them and it did wonders. The cut on her face was already healing nicely. “You needed distance,” she replied. “I get it. But I didn’t want you to do it because you were scared of hurting me again or because you blamed yourself for any of that. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Even then, I cut you. I said those things. I—”

“Not you,” Hei corrected.

“I watched,” Baekhyun replied miserably. “I watched and I couldn’t do anything.”

She could still remember the pain of the cutlass running under skin, telling herself not to give a reaction and not to flinch even though she wanted to struggle, to tear her arm away. But Baekhyun had also hesitated. “Did you fight against it?”

“Yes, but—”

“Did you give up under his control?”

A sharp exhale. “Never.”

“Then that’s enough.”

Baekhyun stared at her like the words didn’t make sense. “How?” he asked. “How can you be fine with me hurting you when it was real? The last time in the second sector, the fear you saw was also me. It’s real this time, so how can you be so unaffected?”

She smoothed the hair back from his face. Baekhyun didn’t flinch away again, but continued watching her almost wearily, like he couldn’t be sure what was real and what wasn’t. Hei took a deep breath to steady herself. Jinqiong had told her to be strong for Baekhyun, and everyday, it had only gotten more and more impossible. All she could think about was that she couldn’t possibly, not when he had been the one to steady her all the time. And he had managed all that time, protected her, provided, did everything—up until his father. When he faltered because he hadn’t been able to do something.

“Last time we were here,” she started, “the illusion of you threw me down an abyss and laughed at me for trusting you.”

Baekhyun stilled, and Hei took it as a sign for her to continue.

“I could see you being controlled. I saw you yell at your father to stop, I witnessed the whole process, and it was abundantly clear what had happened. Last time we faced him, he did the same thing to me. If he had told me to slit your throat, Baekhyun, I wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it. Yet you still struggled, and I know you hesitated. I know you did everything you could. And that’s enough.”

She was frightened. She had been frightened. Frightened that they would never get out, frightened of his father, frightened for Baekhyun, but there hadn’t been a second where she had been frightened because she thought that person was Baekhyun, because it hadn’t been. Only a stranger trying to harm both of them, wearing his face.

“You’re not scared,” he said. “Of me. Of what I could do. Of what I did.”

“What you could do?” Hei echoed. “You got stabbed in the chest so I wouldn’t get hurt. You did that. That was you then, and that’s still you. I trust you more than anyone, more than anything, and I trust you with my life because I know you, and you would never do that to anyone. Not to me, and not even to Song Jinqiong. You’re not cruel.”

He heaved out a shaky breath, but Hei could see the relief on his face. The whole time, and he had still been worried—had been scared about it. To her own relief, Baekhyun reached for her. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, still not specifying what the apology was for.

She found herself beginning to smile. Baekhyun wasn’t usually this tentative, this cautious, but it was a start. “For what it’s worth, maybe I should be flattered that I hold so much sway over you.”

A smile. A hesitant one, but a smile nonetheless. “You’re just saying things you already know. What does Jongdae always say? That I’m whipped?”

“Why would you ever bring up Jongdae right now?”

He grinned that time, features lighting up before he seemed to remember something. “I’ve never been more terrified,” Baekhyun said suddenly. “Even when my father had been holding a blade to your neck, I wasn’t that scared. But when I just watched, when I could feel him in my head and controlling everything I did, I’ve never been more scared. I couldn’t even breathe on my own will. And he knew that nothing would ever be worse than if he made me be the one who hurt you and—” His voice broke. “He was going to keep us in the second sector and there would be nothing any of us could do about it. Until I hurt you in every way possible and killed you. And he was aware that I knew what you were afraid of, and he would’ve used it against me—against you. Or maybe he would’ve let us go, but it wouldn’t be until you could never even look at me again and I’d always—I would never—if you knew what he wanted me to do—”

Baekhyun broke off, and Hei blinked, the severity of the words washing over her. He hadn’t done much—not enough to harm even severely, and it hadn’t even been as bad as Jaekyung. But he had known from the start what his father had planned on doing. If Jinqiong hadn’t come, then… for days, Baekhyun had been carrying that knowledge. He wouldn’t of told anyone, especially when it didn’t even happen, but to know what could’ve happened was a horror of itself.

It was her turn to whisper out I’m sorry, mind reeling from his words. Baekhyun breathed in, out, like he was trying to control himself, and Hei pulled him into a tight hug, breathing in the familiar scent. They were both alright, and whatever could’ve happened was behind. They would never go back to the second sector.

Baekhyun didn’t pull away again, but gripped her harder. She could almost feel his fear, the unspoken words he hadn’t even been able to get out. “I was so scared,” Baekhyun repeated, “because I was so helpless. And you looked terrified too, and I tried not to think about anything because I knew that my father would use that against me, but all I could think about was that the baby and if he found out, he would’ve… God.” The last words were choked out, thick with terror. “He wouldn’t have hesitated.”

It hadn’t just been her that he had been scared for. Hei slipped out of his grasp so she could look at his face: tired, gaunter than before, newly haunted eyes. It would never leave, she knew, but bit by bit, they could work past it.

“When we faced your father,” she told him, “when I realized what he did to you, I hoped you wouldn’t be witnessing it. That your consciousness would somehow be buried away somewhere, so you wouldn’t have to know firsthand what it felt like to have your own control ripped away. But then you hesitated, and I knew. But I also knew you were fighting it, and one look at you and I could tell it wasn’t you. Your father can take your voice and your face, but he can’t even begin to replace you. And the thing is, it wasn’t very hard to convince myself that it wasn’t you. Because I know you, and the person I love would never do or say any of that. If that ever happened again, I would know still even if I didn’t see him control you. And you would too.”

Choked laughter escaped him. “How did you ever—how are you still taking this so calmly?”

It wasn’t a question Hei was sure she couldn’t answer. She didn’t feel calm—her heart was pounding, and just thinking back made her shiver, the possibilities, each worse than the last, of what could have happened. Instead, she asked, “Why did you end up fighting with Jinqiong?”

Baekhyun stiffened. Then, the expression turned into a wince. “I wasn’t thinking straight,” he muttered, guilt evident in his voice. “And she said a couple of things that hit home.”

He hesitated. “I knew it was stupid, I guess,” he muttered. “But I still did it anyway. Still tried to avoid you, still didn’t talk.”

“I knew that already.”

He gave her a look. “I thought this was supposed to be about encouragement.”

He was still different from that five, ten minutes both of them had spent under his father. Just a small fraction of time that could be ignored, yet enough to change—to scare—him so drastically. But at least he was joking a bit, and Hei hoped that him actually speaking meant that she could work on it without being ignored. “I want to know why you and Jinqiong ended up brawling like children,” she replied. “Or so Junmyeon put it.”

“Junmyeon said that?” Baekhyun grumbled. “Typical.”

She pinched his cheek, and Baekhyun didn’t flinch at all. Hei fought the smile. “Luhan wants to promote Junmyeon as captain.”

“They’ll never get past me if they start a mutiny, sweet—”

His voice broke, some memory researching before he could finish the sentence. Or really, the same one that came to mind the moment he broke off, the words faltering like he could barely say it.

What does he call you? Hei could still hear him recite each word, knowing where he was leading to, already aware of the answer.

Hold still, sweetheart.

Baekhyun let out a ragged breath. “He had to ruin that,” he whispered, a certain harshness—anger—in his tone. “He just had to.”

“He didn’t ruin anything. Your father did that hoping that even if, on the off chance that we managed, which we did, escape that he would’ve left enough of an impact to break you, because that was what he wanted. Especially you. Did he?”

Baekhyun met her gaze intently. Then, “Since when were you so good at this?”

“I’ll answer your question when you answer mine.”

A pause, a dreadful gap of silence where he didn’t give an answer, and Hei was too scared to prompt him for one. She was scared, still was, speaking to him about it. It felt like balancing precariously on a tightrope, everything out of her power, and all she could do was be cautious. One wrong move and they’d all fall. But as terrified as she was, she couldn’t—she wouldn’t—show it to him. Not then.

“No,” Baekhyun said finally, a bit uncertain. Then he repeated it with a louder voice, “No.”

She smiled at him, and that time, Baekhyun returned the look, eyes lighting up slightly. “Jinqiong was right,” he admitted grudgingly. “I don’t need to be half as worried about you as I am sometimes.”

“Elaborate, please?”

“I’m not sure if you don’t know what I mean or if you’re just fishing for compliments.”

“That’s what you do, not me.”

He swiped at her, though the action was unhurried. “Only because you never compliment.”

She gestured at him to continue, and Baekhyun gave in with a groan. “Jinqiong said that I don’t need to always protect you,” he replied. “Well, not as nicely. And then told me that maybe all of this would’ve been easier to get over if I stopped treating you like…I think the words she used was porcelain doll? Then, I quote, the only reason you’re doing this is because you can’t get over your own fear.”

Hei gaped at him. “She said that?”

Baekhyun winced, but he was being open, which was a good start. A good indicator that whatever had fractured could be fixed. “I got mad at her,” he replied. “Told her to get out, since it was my shift and she had just finished. But then Song Jinqiong stood there and flung insults at me and she was stupidly right about the whole thing, so I launched wind at her and hoped that it would make her back off.”

Hei wasn’t sure if she were amazed, horrified, confused, or a bit of all of them. “You really are stupid,” she marveled. “You thought Jinqiong would back off by attacking her?”

“I wasn’t thinking,” Baekhyun protested. “Okay, maybe I kind of wanted to fight because it was Jinqiong and I didn’t exactly stress about hurting her—hey, she can hold out really well on her own so don’t look at me like that—but mostly because I was mad. Because she was right. I needed to get over my own fear because it wasn’t real, and it was unfair to you too.”

“Two days could’ve been worse,” she replied.

“Jinqiong’s also right that you don