Since you're not here...
Description
\You met me online. We liked each other right away. We made plans. We broke promises...
But then...Nope....maybe..nooooo.....Oh well....aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrggggggggg/
I haven't slept at all in days, It's been so long since we have talked...what can i do?
I don't even know anymore. things are happening too fast, I wish it would stop so I could take my time and figure out what is really going on around me. Have you ever felt like that?
I feel lighter when I cut my hair short. I think negative examples are very important, I keep in mind the worst people I've ever met and I try as hard as I can to be different from them, make different choices, read different books, seriously I find motivation inside the things/people I hate. I think a place becomes safer when there's an acoustic guitar on display, I can't really explain...
While growing up:
I had a hard time learning how to read and write. I was told a lot, I learnt quite little. I used to get anxious because I thought something tragical would happen to my family and I was going to end up alone.
Foreword
I woke up feeling weird. I thought I was just tired as hell, still I forced myself to get up and start my day because I had things to do. Weakness? Ain't nobody got time for that! I ate pita bread with cheese, drunk black coffee without any sugar, it was all normal. About 1 hour after that my hands felt cold, I started feeling awful, as if I was going to pass out or something like that. (I wrote a song about it's called "Feeling awful'', I felt awesome while awful, maybe I'm an awfully awesome musician, who knows...)
I already knew I had low blood pressure, the news is: it might be connected to some kind of cardiac condition. Yep, I have an apointment with a cardiologist next week. I don't know what to hope for.
Seriously, it got me thinking, everybody is going to die at some point of their lives, right? (why do I feel bad for laughing at this sentense?)
I'm not feeling sorry for myself, actually, the only thing I'm sorry for, if I am to die soon, is that I never had a chance to get closer to you. How tacky/cheesy is that?
I shiver in fear at thought of having to go back, it destroys any trace of happiness of the arrival. I'm anxious because I know what's coming next. It's a cursed pendulum swing. I come to you, then I have to leave you. Over and over again. Until...
Coming clean. The truth is:
Who am I? I'm someone who needs you and, exactly because of that, I'm afraid of things I'm not sure of. In fact, I'm pretty sure I have trust issues...
I don't trust you. Each step forward is actually made by going backwards. I don't really belive in what you say. I don't want to lie to you and I certainly don't want you to lie to me. You are...could be...would have been... my peace...of mind. (?)
I see you I search for you in my dreams, I'm delusional, right? The image of you is what keeps me going while I feel frozen in time. There's not a place where I can hide from the mirage of our almost happy memories....
Do you rather hurt than feeling nothing at all? What do you believe in?
I have no rest, my mind was made into a warzone. You're probably the one to blame...
The more I try to look up, the more I see how deep I've fallen. In my moments of clarity our exchange of words and meaning are all I can think about. I run towards you, I seek your response, but it's all in vain...
PS: I wish all the best for you so you can be the best for me and then I'm the best for you too because you make me better. Got that?
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