She paid for her gyros and they turned to leave. Carefully ripping off a piece she fed Moowon as the four of them walked through the gap in the crowd.

“Where exactly have you been?” Namjoo wondered. “I saw some water games that way.”

“We went back three times for the cotton candy,” Sehun said. “Of course, I said no.”

Namjoo laughed. Somehow it sounded a lot like Gunta to go back three times for it. “There was a band playing earlier. I wonder if they’re still on stage.”

“Lets go check it out,” Sehun suggested.

Making a detour they headed back the way they came. There was an abundant crowd gathering to watch the music scenery. They joined at the back. Sehun lifted Gunta onto his shoulders. Somewhat envious at how easy it was for him, Namjoo glanced down at Moowon to see his reaction. He was quietly gnawing on his piece of bread. Noticing her, he glanced up with his big eyes. Smiling, Namjoo rubbed the back of his head and turned when she heard a voice.

“Sehun!” A young woman in shorts and a vest waved. She came up to them smiling all so femininely. Straight white teeth glimmered behind her pink lips. “You made it!”

“We did,” he answered setting Gunta on the ground.

“Hallo!” Gunta greeted.

The woman happily shrieked upon seeing him. “Is this him? What’s his name?”

“Gunta.”

“Hello, Gunta,” she leaned down to talk to him. “Are you having fun?”

“Fun!” Gunta yelped gladly.

The woman fondly laughed. “Let me know if you need anything. I will get you ice cream later, ok?”

“Ok!” Gunta grinned.

Straightening, the woman looked at Sehun before her eyes landed on Namjoo. Feeling as if she’d intruded on a moment Namjoo awkwardly smiled.

“This is…?” The woman glanced at Sehun for introduction.

“Namjoo,” Sehun introduced. “She’s Moowon’s mother. He’s Gunta’s playmate at the daycare.” Turning to Namjoo he said, “This is Noh Saemi.”

The date. Namjoo immediately got it.

“Ah! The one you mentioned,” the woman prettily smiled then leaned down to greet Moowon as well. The walkie-talkie clipped to her waist buzzed with conversation. Excusing herself she said, “I’ll come back to see you later. You guys have fun!”

Namjoo watched her run off and disappear into the crowd. She heard herself muttering, “Pretty.”

“What?” Sehun asked.

“Oh…” she laughed embarrassed at being caught. “I said she’s pretty. Your date from last week, right?”

She glanced up to see him looking away. Feeling out of place, Namjoo turned in the opposite direction. Maybe he was uncomfortable talking about it. She chided herself for even asking. It was pretty obvious.

“I was her age a while ago,” Namjoo changed the topic, “but I was straddled with a kid.”

“Did you wish it was different?” Sehun wondered.

“No, that’s not what I mean,” Namjoo kind of laughed baffled. “At her age, we worry more for ourselves than we do about others. You see the way she talked to Gunta? She lowered herself to his level. It means she’s a good person. She’ll be good with kids.”

Namjoo gave him a smile. Ripping off another part of her gyros for Moowon she led him away from the stage. They stopped by the water games to watch players throw balloons at the vendor sitting on a chair. If they hit the mark the vendor would drop into the pool below. For a while they watched; clapping and screaming.

Next, they stopped at a game stand where Sehun aimed arrows at monkeys aligned along the wall. He won a stuffed animal for Gunta. He played again for another stuffed animal for Moowon. At last, they stopped by the popcorn tent. The last stop before Namjoo would leave. She was soaked in sweat and exhausted from the heat.

Namjoo thought she was doing a good job. She’d fed Moowon. Kept him occupied on a good Saturday. He was getting fresh air, some exercise instead of being cooped up at home watching television. She only turned away a slight moment to grab the bag of popcorn for him, but when she turned back he was nowhere.

“Moowon?” Namjoo called out dropping the popcorn. Her eyes went wild, searching left and right.

Sehun and Gunta were at the next vendor watching a hammer game. The bell loudly rang when the bullet shot up. The crowd burst into a roar as the child playing raised his arms up proudly. Ignoring them, Namjoo dashed over.

Grabbing Sehun’s arm, she turned him around, “Moowon. Have you seen Moowon?”

“Moowon?” he repeated looking around. “What happened?”

No longer hearing him, Namjoo spun around. Searching through the depth of the crowd. She stepped forward feeling the world spin.

Come to think of it, when she was distressed she always felt like she was going crazy. Always losing her sanity.

“Moowon!” Namjoo called out stepping forward. Taking a few steps left. Stopping. Taking a few steps right. Unsure where to go. Screaming this time, “Moowon!”

Walking into the crowd Namjoo spun and spun, pushing her way through. Asking randomly, “Have you seen my son?” Then yelling, “Moowon!”

Faces loomed in her vision. Faces largening, eyes bulging as people passed looking at her curiously. The music grew louder and louder in her ears, as if she was standing right next to the stereos. Each bass note sending vibrations down her bones. Everything was out of control; losing form, losing shape. Tents grew narrower and narrower. The sky was stretching. The ground was beginning to tilt.

Namjoo couldn’t focus. She’d never lost Moowon before. Panic hit her full force. Her breath hitched. She felt like the ground would open up and swallow her. Then someone grabbed her, “Namjoo. Namjoo!”

“Moowon!” She shouted again. Grasping Sehun’s hands, her pupils grew large, “Have you seen my son?”

“Hey, it’s ok,” he spoke calmly. Rubbing her arms, promising, “We’ll find him.”

Namjoo stared for a moment unable to recognize him. Her heart was palpitating, head still doing a three-sixty. Huffing then in a deep breath Namjoo struggled to allow herself to sink into the calm slowly washing over her. Warmth from the sun softly brushed her skin. The wind rustled her hair. The ground stopped tilting. Clearly looking at Sehun now, Namjoo buried her face into her hands.

She was going to cry.

◊◊◊◊◊

Holding Gunta tightly against his body they raced through the field asking about Moowon. Heads shook. People promised they’d keep an eye out. Still it wasn’t good enough.

Namjoo was growing more frantic. Grabbing ahold of whomever she could to interrogate. Sehun had to continuously glance back for her. Grab her arm to keep her with him. The heat was battering on them now. He was starting to grow tired. Gunta’s weight was exhausting his energy.

“What if someone took him?” Namjoo rambled. “What am I going to do? I’m a bad mother…Moowon…”

Panting, Sehun grabbed her hand and pulled her after him. It took a while longer than expected, but after asking a staff coordinator he was finally led to Noh Saemi. She was currently sitting at a booth looking over papers on a clipboard.

“Sehun!” She looked up when he approached.

“I need your help,” Sehun breathed. Saemi waited patiently for him to finish. “Moowon. He’s lost. Can you help me look for him?”

Saemi’s eyes filled with concern as she glanced at him then Namjoo. “Ok. Stay here. I’ll be back.”

Sehun turned to see her pull out her walkie-talkie as she passed. Sighing relief, he lowered Gunta to the ground. Stealing the chair Saemi had been sitting in he led Namjoo to it and asked for a bottle of water. The staff complied and handed him one from their cooler.

“Here,” Sehun opened the bottle and offered the drink to her. “Drink up.”

Namjoo was coherent enough to grab the bottle, but she merely held it. Her hair was tousled. Sprouting from her headband and spilling over her face. She appeared like she hadn’t slept for days.

“No cry,” Gunta sadly pleaded walking between her legs to hug her. “No cry.”

Wrapping her arm around Gunta she pulled him to her. Sehun stared at the sight. Seeing the way Gunta leaned into her to give her comfort.

“Mommy?” A voice called out a minute later.

Sehun turned to see Moowon standing at the front of the tent holding onto a balloon. There was dirt smudged on his face, but otherwise he was smiling. Releasing Gunta, Namjoo stumbled forward so fast that she fell onto her knees.

“Moowon? Oh my God…are you ok?” Namjoo cried touching his face. Breathing tears of relief, she hugged him tightly shaking as she did so. Letting him go she looked him over and finally noticed the bandage on his bloody knee. “What happened?”

“A staff member was just leading him toward the tent,” Saemi explained. “He wanted a balloon and fell on his way following the cart. They were giving him first aid in the truck.”

his head Namjoo asked, “Does it hurt?”

Moowon nodded. “Mommy carry me?”

“Ok, ok.” Sniffing, Namjoo tried to wipe the dirt off his face. It was a useless attempt. Sehun saw her wince in pain as she lifted him off his feet. Namjoo quickly set him back down and touched her back.

“What about a piggyback?” Namjoo asked.

“Ok.” Moowon nodded.

Just as Namjoo turned her back to her son, Sehun touched her shoulder. “I can do it.”

Without waiting for permission, he put his hands under Moowon’s arms and lifted him. The boy was slender, but he did weigh a little more than Gunta.

Standing up, Namjoo looked at him surprised. “No, no. I can do it.”

“Hold Gunta’s hand,” Sehun instructed. “I can carry Moowon.”

Namjoo turned to look at Gunta who walked toward her without needing to be told to. His son offered flustered Namjoo his hand.

“That’s a good boy,” Sehun complimented and earned a big grin from his son. Turning to Saemi he thanked her. Namjoo joined in repeating her gratefulness.

“Will you stay longer?” Saemi wondered.

“We’ll be going,” he replied. “I think we had enough fun for today.”

“Ok,” she sounded disappointed. “I’ll see you again?”

“Sure,” he answered. Looking at Gunta and Namjoo he said, “Lets go.”

Namjoo hurried toward Moowon’s side and tried to wipe his face with her dry fingers again. He whimpered annoyed and leaned toward Sehun’s shoulder. “Mommy, stop.”

“Ok,” Namjoo resigned. Dropping her hand to her side she looked at him, “Thanks. Thank Saemi again, too. You should buy her dinner to thank her.”

Sehun glanced at her somewhat taken aback. “I’ll think about it.”

Touching Moowon’s hair now, Namjoo continued, “She’s a real nice girl. I like her.” Glancing down at Gunta she asked, “Right, Gunta?”

“Yea!” Gunta agreed though Sehun was sure he didn’t even know about what. They shared a laugh and Namjoo rubbed his head affectionately.

“You can put Moowon down,” Namjoo said when they stepped into the parking lot. “We can walk to the car.”

“It’s all right. Where did you park?” Sehun asked.

“This way,” Namjoo led him left. When they neared she said, “You can put him down. We’ll manage.”

“I’ll help him in,” Sehun offered, wondering how she did it when her back ached. He remembered Yanghwa experiencing back pain. He also remembered Namjoo saying she had been alone with Moowon when he was just six months. The pain must have never gone away. She had carried Gunta for them, too.

Giving up, Namjoo unlocked the car and opened the back door for him. Sehun helped strap Moowon into the back seat, even stuff his balloon into the car.

“All good?” he asked. Moowon silently nodded. Closing the door, he turned to her, “Get some rest.”

◊◊◊◊◊

“You doing good back there?” Namjoo asked on the road home.

“Yep!” Moowon called out.

One look into the rearview mirror confirmed her worries. Moowon was with her. She still felt shaky from the incident. She always thought she had been careful up till now. The worse being when Moowon fell ill with fevers that lasted days. That couldn’t compare to what just happened today.

Always hearing reports about missing children. Grieving mothers and fathers. Namjoo never wanted to be one of them. Chanting to herself daily that she would keep a good eye on her son, but that didn’t seem to have been enough.

The more she thought about it the more she wanted to cry. She wanted a shoulder to cry on, because she’d never had one before. Peering into the rearview mirror again Namjoo tried to keep her tears at bay. Moowon wouldn’t understand her feelings. She didn’t want him to know that he was the cause of all her sadness.

Driving into the parking lot, Namjoo found a spot outside the building. She let Moowon off the car and they walked together hand in hand home. He clung onto his balloon mesmerized by the floating structure. Thinking about it now, she realized Gunta hadn’t been able to get one. Moowon had been independent enough to go after what he wanted without telling her. He was just like his father.

One day he would leave her, too. The thought broke her heart.

She touched his back as they walked toward the front doors. Eventually looking up to see Daehwi standing at the front doors looking at them. Surprise and anger spread through her. He always really did only come when it was easy for him, leaving her to deal with the most difficult times alone. She despised him!

Moowon let go of her hand and dashed forward screaming for his dad. The smile on his face was so wide Namjoo hurt.

Daehwi screamed out of joy too and lifted his son up the moment he ran to him. Father and son. Daehwi did a little spin with Moowon ecstatically. The same way Sehun had done at the daycare. Something Namjoo wouldn’t be able to replicate, because her body wouldn’t allow her to.

She squeezed back tears. If she was in better health…she would be able to do everything for Moowon that only Daehwi could.

Upset, she led them inside.

Isolating herself she stood in the kitchen watching the kettle boil even though she wasn’t craving for coffee or a cup of refreshing tea. She just wanted to be alone.

“So, where were you two coming from?” Daehwi asked coming up behind her. She heard the television blaring with a children’s show.

“Why are you here?” she asked begrudgingly.

“Come on, Namjoo,” he crooned missing the fact that her mood was askew.

He wouldn’t know. He didn’t even know her anymore. Namjoo didn’t even know herself.

“I hate you,” she quietly lashed out turning around. Tears threatened to spill from the corner of her eyes. Finally punching his chest. Once, two, and three times. “I hate you.”

Gritting her teeth she cried, because today she had been scared. Frightened out of her mind. Feeling alone as she drove home. Knowing no one was there for her. And no one understood her pain.

She just wanted someone to comfort her.

Daehwi stared at her taken aback. Reaching his hands out he pulled her into the chest that she once loved.