Relaxing her grip on the doorknob she let go allowing Gunta to brush past. The air grew heavy as desperation plundered him. Namjoo’s eyes seemed to search the gap between them for another excuse. In the end, she said nothing.

“Did you eat yet?” he asked. “I’m hungry. Lets eat together.”

Namjoo first turned to walk away. Sehun shamelessly made his entrance and closed the door. Hoping today he could save what they could still have.

He watched Namjoo cook. Offering his helping hand. Trying to lighten the air with his witty jokes, but Namjoo only smiled at him. Making him feel worse.

He hadn’t meant to he wanted to say. He was sorry for last night. For turning their day into his envoy into the dark side. He had really wanted to end the night prettily. With them cuddling in his bed. Or making love drunkenly.

He was sorry. He was so sorry.

Neither words left his mouth. Afraid he would worsen the already situation. Not knowing where to start, where to end. Sehun didn’t want to sound like he was making a bunch of excuses. What was the point? He had already hurt her.

Worst of all, Namjoo wasn’t saying anything.

All she had said was lets break up, and it wasn’t a solution he wanted to give.

That night after showering he found Namjoo lying in bed. With her back to him. Looking alone on her tiny island. Floating farther away from him. Shutting the door, he climbed into bed. Laying on his side staring at her back longingly. Wishing with all his might that she would still let him touch her heart, like she had always moved his.

Scooting closer he snuggled up to her back. Feeling like she had already left him behind at the starting line.

So very sorry he had said those things to her.

◊◊◊◊◊

The shattering of glass made Namjoo’s eyes open. She heard in her head the younger version of herself screaming at Daehwi. The vase filled with the flowers he had given her broken into so many shards at their feet. Gluing the pieces back together would be an impossible task.

Always known in her heart that if something broke, it remained broken. Even if taped back it’d never look the same.

She and Sehun liked each other. She could say that. Now nothing could be the same again. Not after he called her Yanghwa. They couldn’t go back to those lovely days.

Namjoo checked up on the boys after waking up in the middle of the night. Grabbed a cool glass of water and walked back to the bedroom to find Sehun sitting at the foot of the bed. Like a lost child, “Where’d you go? I woke up and you were gone.”

She ran her eyes over him. Tall Sehun. Handsome Sehun.

Gunta’s father.

Who had made her trickle. Made her feel the flutterings of a woman who deserved to be loved. Emotions she’d lost after Daehwi hurt her. Sehun who made her yearn for another happy ending. Think that it was possible again. She was ever grateful for him. For also caring about Moowon.

But she didn’t know how she could look at him without thinking of his wounded soul. Without thinking of his beautiful wife.

The wall was so high she could no longer climb.

Gathering her courage, she walked in to sit beside him. “Tell me about her.”

“Namjoo.” His eyes sparkled. Looking at her pleadingly. Silently telling her not to make him.

“I want to know about her.”

Sehun’s eyes became sorrowful. Namjoo forced a smile to encourage him even if her heart threatened to burst.

His eyes swam toward the floor where their feet were just spaces apart. “I met her when I was working. I just started living on my own. One day I saw her, and…” he hesitated because he didn’t know if he should say this or maybe the emotions of looking back were coming on too strong. “And I thought…I thought she was so beautiful.”

Pressing her lips together Namjoo fought not to be jealous, not to let the words hurt her. She dug her nail into her thumb, forced herself to continue listening.

“I had to have her. That’s what I thought,” Sehun reminisced. “I learned she liked baby breaths. She thought they were insignificant but something so small was so important to a flower, she loved them. So that’s what I always bought for her. Baby breaths.”

His face strained. Struggled for composure. Tears appeared at the corner of his eyes. Sehun rubbed his eyes and inhaled shakily.

“She loved babies. Her dream was to become a mother.” His voice weakened upon the memory. Tears filled her eyes. She knew. She knew they had tried hard. She remembered Yanghwa had cried when she saw the ultrasound. Saw Gunta for the first time inside her belly.

She knew.

“And then…God took her from me,” his voice cracked. He buried his face in his hands. Shoulders shaking as he cried. “I couldn’t do anything. I prayed. I prayed so hard.”

Namjoo didn’t deserve to cry, so she held back her tears.

All she could do was offer him a hug hoping it would soothe a corner of his broken heart.

They ate very quietly the next morning and he left with a quiet goodbye. She didn’t expect to see him again.

When she stopped by the daycare in the afternoon to pick Moowon up for his early learning lessons, Gunta ran up to her excitedly.

“Aunty,” he called happily. She couldn’t help but smile at the little light that brought all the happiness to Sehun’s dark world. “Why come? Where daddy?”

“I’m taking Moowon to his class.” Namjoo bent down to speak to him.

“Why?” Gunta’s lips downturned. Her heart throbbed for him. This little boy she had birthed.

Touching his head, she gently explained, “Moowon is going to school next year, so he has to start learning some things now. You will still see him in the mornings.”

“I go, too.” Gunta cutely said.

“Your daddy will pick you up later.”

His face lit up. “Then I come play with Moowonie!”

Namjoo smiled. “I don’t know. I have to take Moowon now. Be a good boy. Listen to your daddy, ok?”

Namjoo gave his shoulder a pat before taking Moowon’s hand. Glancing back once to see Gunta watching them leave. Suddenly sorrowful that she had to leave him behind.

Sehun neither called her or visited. She didn’t hear from him the next day either. Namjoo knew full well she shouldn’t. Sehun should have his space, but she worried.

It took only a few minutes for Daehwi to ring the bell.

“You called.” It was more of a statement than a question of curiosity.

Guiltily looking at him, Namjoo fiddled with her fingers. “If you’re free, for an hour, could you watch Moowon?”

“You’re going to see your boyfriend.” Again, it was more of a statement than a question.

“I’m sorry.”

“What’s going on with you two?” Daehwi wondered.

Averting her eyes, Namjoo pressed her lips together. Brushing by Daehwi touched her shoulder, “Go on.”

She looked up at him. Sorry and thankful.

Getting into her car Namjoo drove over to Sehun’s place. Waited it out in her car. Preparing a monologue in her head before finally arriving on his doorstep. Hesitating for a minute. Wondering if she should be here. Pondering over whether they had broken up already. On an urge she pressed the doorbell. Waited.

Finally, the door opened and she met with Sehun’s melancholic eyes. Giving her a tiny smile before inviting her in.

The house was quiet. There was no Gunta. Sehun was alone. If possible, his place seemed dustier than usual. Had he bothered to clean at all?

“I dropped Gunta off at my parents,” Sehun explained.

Namjoo glanced up at him. “Are you ok?”

“I missed you.” He sadly confessed.

Namjoo’s heart burned. At the same time wondering how much of it he meant now.

She touched his arm and pulled him into a hug. She shouldn’t lead him on. She shouldn’t touch him. She should just let him be, but she also couldn’t stop thinking about him.

She worried. She loved him.

She wanted him to be happy.

But she was only a temporary band-aid.

Time waned as she sat with him quietly. Watching the TV blare. Without paying attention to what was on. Letting their fingers brush but also not really holding hands. Just accompanying him so he wasn’t feeling alone.

No kiss goodbye before she left. No promise of seeing each other tomorrow, because the hope shouldn’t be given so easily.

On the road home, Namjoo felt so down that she pulled over to cry by herself.

◊◊◊◊◊

Sometimes Namjoo was right. Other times she was wrong.

That he needed his own air. To figure things out. Think things through. That they had rushed their relationship.

Sometimes it sounded right. Other times it sounded wrong.

Then why had she cried in his home. Why had she moved his heart? Why had he cared about her?

Was this not also a kind of love?

Rolling over in his bed Sehun stared at Yanghwa’s portrait.

Am I wrong he wanted to ask? Had he not seen things clearly?

That Namjoo loved him. He had witnessed her worst moments with Daehwi. She had allowed him into her world. Let him stay right with her and Moowon, even when her son didn’t like him. She had smiled with him. They had laughed a lot together.

Was it really nothing in the end?

Staring at the smile on his beautiful person’s face a sense of winding hopelessness swallowed him from inside.

◊◊◊◊◊

“Sehun?” Namjoo asked confused when she opened the door at midnight. It had been several days since Namjoo had last come by to check up on him. She hadn’t called. He had waited. At the same time, he had cowardly been afraid to pick up his phone first. Afraid that he would hear those words break up when he called.

Now he was breathing a little more deeply than intended. Because he’d come so fast in the middle of the night. After leaving Gunta at his parents so abruptly.

He missed her.

He wanted her.

Kim Namjoo.

Who had moved his heart.

She couldn’t just disappear.

“Let me spend the night,” he breathed. “Let me stay with you tonight.”

Without giving her a chance to think any further he burst in, pulling her into his arms. Holding her tightly in his arms, because he was so lonely.

She looked up at him surprised when he let go. Taking her hand, he led her past Moowon’s room and into her room. Closing the door and pulling her into the bed with him. Namjoo glanced at him still taken aback then turned away from him. Wrapping his arm around her he lie silently as the dark crept in. The silence overbearing as he smelled her hair, the scent of her body. Sinking in the presence of her. Thinking this is it.

What he always wanted.

What he always needed.

To not be so alone.

He kissed her shoulder. His heart warmed up. He just wanted to forget everything. Go back to the beginning. To where they had just started falling. To when he first looked at her with yearning. When he discovered that she could want him, too.

Sehun kissed her neck as part of him wept. The end couldn’t be so near. He didn’t want to think about his reality. He just wanted Kim Namjoo, who moved the mountain in him.

Pressing his hand against her belly he turned her onto her back. Longingly kissing . Climbing over her soft body. Wishing they could go back to the good times. Brushing his middle between her legs. Making her open for him.

“Sehun.” She touched his shoulder to make him stop.

“I brought a ,” he said as if that would fix everything. He kissed her neck down to her collarbone. Down to her s. All the way down to her belly. Until he drew her nightdress up and tasted her.

Praying that for a night they could forget about their wounded relationship as he made love to her. For the last time.

Sehun woke up about an hour later. To Namjoo moving around. When his vision cleared, he saw her pulling her nightdress back on. Watched her long hair fall over her back. Then he heard her sniffing.

“Namjoo?”

“Don’t touch me, Sehun.” Namjoo cried.

 Guilt whooshed through him. He felt betrayed. Hurt beyond words.

She let out a cry and wiped her face. Sehun watched despaired. He wanted to hug her. Protect her from the arms of sorrow.

“You don’t miss me,” Namjoo wept.

His mouth opened. For an excuse?

“You just think you want me.”

“It’s not true.”

“But I know it is.” Namjoo’s anguish was so loud and clear it vibrated through him. “Do you know why you’re lonely? You can’t move on.”

She turned to look at him but all he saw were the tears streaming down her cheeks. It broke him twice over to see her so sad.

“Daehwi cheated on me,” Namjoo told. “I broke everything we had, but it didn’t make me feel better. I didn’t forget him, even if I hated him to hell and back. I was lonely. There was no one to go to, but you have me. You can run to me as an excuse, but that’s not love. You don’t miss me, Sehun. So just…just go home.”

Turning away Namjoo wiped her face but her shoulders shrank and still trembled. He couldn’t even give her a hug to comfort her before he left.

◊◊◊◊◊

Namjoo cried herself to sleep. Spent the next day feeling like she’d caught a cold. Sehun reappeared on her doorstep, but he didn’t plead to spend the night. Instead, they sat quietly on a bench watching Gunta and Moowon run around on the playground.

Not talking much, but it felt like Sehun needed company, so she didn’t deny him. The air was so fragile that a mention of their relationship could crack its bubble.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Sehun asked when they began walking back. Him and Gunta to his car. She and Moowon to their home.

He still couldn’t let go.

The arrows in their heart plunged deeper.

Sehun would keep coming. Until maybe they became the little shards of glass she couldn’t tape back together.

She didn’t want to break like that.

Sehun didn’t deserve it.

She didn’t deserve to go through it again.

“Make love to me.” She told Daehwi when he came over.

“What?” he asked surprised.

“If you love me, make love to me.” A tear ran when she put her arms around his neck and pressed to his.

It was all she could do.

It was all she could think of.

If Sehun kept pulling her, she would push.

Until she lost grasp of his hand.

It wasn’t love they’d had.

It had never been love.

But a lonely man trying to plant false hope in his life.

She didn’t want Sehun to live artificially.

That was her love for him.

****hrmm...I did not expect that, but looks like the next chapter is the finale

***you know these last few chapters took me a whole week of writing????