You took a deep breath, then pushed the handle with all your strength before anxiety could have spread all over your body, sabotaging the only chance you’d left; at least that’s what you told yourself as your boots crossed the threshold and the pleasant warmth of the heating system hugged your frozen limbs. Maybe - just maybe -, it  would have been wiser to wait a bit longer before you burnt all your bridges depriving yourself of essential things such as a flat - where you could stay - or food and money in the middle of the night.

You wandered through the aisles with one of your hands resting in your pocket, fingers wrapped around your weapon that felt odd against your skin. You’d never stolen anything, let alone committed an armed robbery before and the fact that you were just about to do so made your heart leap. It vibrated in your ears, in your throat, in your arms - you could feel it everywhere as if your whole body would have become a pulsing mess. You almost threw up when the last customer stood in the line in front of the counter.

You fidgeted with a bag of garlic-flavoured crisps out of nervousness, your head close to the shelf, when the unmistaken tinkle of the bells above the entrance gave you the signal you were waiting for. With a firm nod and a determined look, you pulled your hood atop your head and stepped out of your hideout.

‘It’s a stick-up,’ you spoke up and your arm trembled under the weight of the gun that you aimed at the cashier standing still with a sandwich in his hand. He was taken aback by the fiery glint in your eyes, not to mention the barrel that seemed to be dangerously close to his forehead. He gulped and let his snack fall to the ground. ‘Come on, big guy! Be good and hand over the money,’ you told him in a lower voice, encouraging yourself with a smile that felt bitter on your lips. For once, you wanted him - a man - to take you seriously so bad.

And for your honest surprise, he did. The cashier, not caring about his trembling arms, opened the till without thinking twice, then put the money into a brown paper bag because your backpack was already full. Since you’d left your apartment in a hurry, you’d forgotten to bring another pocket.

‘Thanks a lot,’ you singsonged utterly excited and you almost fell to your knees when you bumped into the door’s frame in your way out. Guilt and joy merged with each other as your empty hand let go of the handle yet your facial expressions remained still even after the loud crash that blamed you for your sins.

The unforgiving cold of the winter air made your body tremble, leaving a crimson patch under both of your eyes. It was uncomfortable - the way the wind tousled your hair blowing every damn lock into your mouth. Yet, you couldn’t just walk inside the first hotel that you came across. You had to think it through; you had to find a nice place at a low price, which was also far from the main road and the highway. Not to mention the fact that you couldn’t afford the luxury to bump into familiar faces because most of your friends had a close relationship with your boyfriend whom you wanted to avoid more than anyone. You despised him and every freaking decision he’d forced you to make. In a world where love was supposed to be some sort of salvation after the most terrible hardships and wounds, meeting him had broken your childish dreams about fond smiles and chaste kisses.

You didn’t even get to the pavement placed around the gas station when the police car that caught your attention stopped on the corner only a few metres away from you and the non-stop shop behind your back. Your blood froze in your veins as you realized that the one with the bushy brows and ridiculous mustache headed towards you.

‘,’ you whispered under your nose as you turned your back on the police officer as fast as lightning. You tried to play it cool as if everything had been alright although deep down you were pretty much aware that you acted suspicious. You were too hasty, too quiet, too lost. Or was it paranoia that poisoned your mind?

Palms sweaty, you didn’t know what to do and it made you upset especially when that little voice in your head called you stupid for not making a plan. And you couldn’t argue. If only you wouldn’t have craved love! You might have recognized the beast you’d been faced with all this time. That freaking bastard who had broken both your heart and your bank account.

‘Need a ride?’ a husky voice came from behind and you stopped dead turning towards its owner.

Not that far from the fuel dispenser, there was a guy with a cigarette in his hand, observing you oh so mysteriously from under his dark lashes. He leaned against his car with a cheeky smile, then pushed himself away from the dark door to put the fuel pistol back to its original place. Your brows knitted together in dismay.

You weren’t sure whether the handsome stranger’s question was an offer to have or a generous act in the middle of the night but you couldn’t care less as the police officer reached the shop’s entrance and the tinkling bells once again gave you the indication to move. You acted out of fear when you grabbed the cold handle and took the seat next to the raven-haired man.

‘Yeah,’ you whispered and even though a part of you knew that you shouldn’t have trusted any man, you felt relieved when your savior started the engine leaving the gas station behind.

He hadn’t payed for the petrol, you realized as he took a sharp turn to left and your shoulder crashed into the window. You cursed under your nose, patting the sensitive area while he chuckled and the radio. It felt nice, listening to the odd music that filled the air with pure melancholy.

With your elbow resting on the slim ledge in front of the window, you watched the lights of the city, losing yourself in the vortex of colours and motions hence you almost fell asleep. Yet, as the car stopped waiting for the traffic light to switch from red to green, anxiety washed over you, filling your heart with insecurity. For a moment, you felt vulnerable and weak. You couldn’t even fight the urge to fidget with the hem of your bag. Fantastic! Could you be more obvious?

‘It’s your first time, wasn’t it?’ he asked, face fixed on the empty road up ahead.

Taking your time, you looked at him with a frown as you made a lame attempt to decipher his thoughts, reasons and intentions. Was he talking about you sitting in a complete stranger’s car or the robbery that was also a huge first in your life?

‘It depends.’

The traffic light switched and the silence reappeared, wrapping its invisible hands around your bodies. You sighed before you turned your head back to the streets, the stinky alleys hidden in the dark and the dull graffities all over the walls. Unlike many other citizens of the biggest coastal city of the country, you felt more at ease when the void annexed the suburbs in Busan. Without all that glam and fake smiles, it was just as raw and real as you liked. You wished that people would have been the same.

The next time the car stopped was when your eyes found the waves and your lips parted upon seeing the mesmerizing sight right in front of you. Of course, you’d seen the Sea of Japan before, it would have been hard not to, but for some irracional reason that you couldn’t quite pinpoint, everything felt different this time.

‘Next time, you should load your gun before you waltz into a gas station,’ the man gave you an unwanted advice and you almost choked on your saliva as you tore your gaze from the beach. You looked at him dumbfounded with cherry lips slightly open and wished for nothing but the ground to swallow you up. Stupid, stupid you! You should have learned by now that all men were manipulative s.

You were terrified to say the least and your trembling hands just made the fear in your almond-shaped eyes more prominent. So as a weak attempt to hide the truth, you closed both of them then took a deep breath in order to gain some confidence.

‘I mean, if you’re willing to play, play wisely. Otherwise, you’re doomed,’ the man’s explanation came from your left, making you speechless once again. You’d never been good with your words but the fact that you didn’t understand the situation nor him made it impossible for you to put your messy thoughts into coherent sentences.

You gulped.

‘How do you…’

‘I saw the whole scene and damn, you’re spectacular,’ he laughed and damn his already raspy voice became more attractive than ever, playing with the strings of your heart. It was unfair, really. Acting so rude and caring at the very same time as if his sharp jawline and sunkissed skin hadn’t been a massive distraction already.

The realization hit you right in the face and the fact that you had a soft spot for his duality made you upset. So, before your nameless stranger could have changed his mind calling the cops or something worse, you grabbed the handle with full force, then looked him in the eye, knuckles white from your struggle. You wanted to get as far away from him and his stupid smile as humanly possible.

‘Well, thanks for not calling the cops then,’ you bid your farewell as lame as ever, then opened the door facing the cold that choked your scarfless neck. You were ready to leave, small wonder one of your feet had actually touched the pavement when the shamelessly deep tone froze your limbs, arms and legs all at once.

‘Who did that?’ he asked and gosh there was sincere curiosity in the sweet velvet of his voice. Yet, you knew that you couldn’t give in to him, not without exposing your inner demons and childish fear from loneliness you were unable to outgrow with time. Which meant that telling him the whole story wasn’t an option.

There was no need to add any further explanation, really. Considering the icy feeling along your waist, you knew exactly what he was thinking of. The leather jacket and the small tee showed him way too much bruised skin because of your hasty moves. ing wonderful.

You lived in a world where the healing bond between soulmates was an actual thing although only the most privileged ones got their chance to live happily ever after. People like you, well, you were definitely doomed and it was not your low self-esteem that made you think so. It was your heart that had broken for the fifth time the previous night - and everyone had six opportunities at most to find true love before loneliness would have killed them, turning their hearts utterly cold. As far as you were concerned, you were fine with the cards you’d gotten in life, even though your last relationship left some nasty marks on your delicate skin as bittersweet reminders of the power of passionate kisses. Love was a real sometimes, happened to everyone.

your bottom lip, you refused to give him an answer let it be fake or not and got out of the car. You walked in a straight line without a concrete destination in your mind, wrapping your arms around your shaking body as a shield against the cold. It’s a shame, but you failed to come up with even a single person whom you could turn to. You were too afraid that he would want to drag you home, punishing you for even trying to run away.

Luckily (or not), after a few minutes of silence, the handsome stranger ran after you, earning a faint sigh from you as his big palm touched your shoulder. He was panting as if he had been determined to find you and the thought alone made your heart skip a useless beat. Why would anyone do such things for you? As miserable as it sounded, you weren’t special in any aspect like having an unbelievably high IQ or extremely long lashes. In fact, you looked pretty ordinary with your brown hair and eyes.

He stepped in front of you instead of forcing you to turn towards him. For an ephemeral moment, you forgot to breathe as your gaze took its time and stuck on his smile that went all the way to his eyes. He seemed cheerful although you couldn’t put your finger on the cause of his happiness.

‘Don’t you wanna team up… with me?’ he asked acting confident regardless of the last part of the question that sounded rather insecure. The duality in him kept you from screaming no right in his face.

You faced each other for a little infinity and you almost won. But then your stomach decided on your behalf demanding something edible, blaming your stupidity for skipping your dinner out of stubbornness. Both of your cheeks became red when the stanger’s laughter reached your ears.

‘Do you have any food?’ you asked and damn, you looked so adorable, he almost hugged you right on the spot. He thought that you were weird yet he also had to admit that he kinda liked it that way.

‘I have popcorn,’ was the only thing he said before you nodded and got into his car without any further objection like we’re complete strangers.

During the next few days, Dean taught you how to load your gun then helped you with your aiming skills that became quite awkward after he put actual bullets into the cylinder. You were such an amateur, you almost killed him when he watched you while keeping a distance. Yet, instead of scolding you or screaming in your face like any other men would have done, he came up with different methods to make you less uncomfortable and encouraged you whenever you failed. And gosh, you failed so many times.

Like right after your lunch break, when you had to shake your head as your right arm fell back to your side, index-finger placed on the trigger. You couldn’t believe that regardless of your constant concentration, the only thing you’d managed to hit was a tree metres away from your target. It was absolutely unbelievable - and upsetting as hell - considering the fact that Dean had learned cooking within three goddamn days following nothing but your unprofessional instructions.

‘Nervous?’ the man standing behind your back asked and you gulped as your gaze glided from the empty tin to him.

He looked unfairly handsome as always, being a distraction with his messy hair, tanned skin and kissable lips that made you question every single thing you had ever believed in, except the most important one; feelings were dangerous.

‘I’m not sure,’ you answered quietly after a couple of minutes in silence, then turned back to the lonely tin placed in the middle of the old dining table you’d found in the garage. You were more determined than ever and it wasn’t because of him but rather because of the short time period you had until your first robbery on Monday. Even though the possibility of getting caught by the police was low, you felt as if you were a deadweight and wanted to become the ace of the team.

‘It’s okay. You can still back off. You know that, right?’ he asked and you bit your lip. Spending the second week at his place close to the shore where you’d stopped that night, you knew that Dean was much more than a pretty face with badass attitude. He was kind and caring, someone who would have never forced you or anyone to go against their morals. And this was the main reason for you to stay. He was the first man who treated you as an equal partner.

You were happy that he’d run after you that night, offering you a basket of popcorn and a place that you could call your home.

‘Hm,’ you hummed, shooting a bullet into another tree.

He put his hand on the barrel pushing yours back to your side with an annoyed sigh, then stepped in front of you so that he could look you in the eye. Not that you wanted him to. You were pathetic when it came to your feelings and damn you were so lost in many aspects. You couldn’t decide whether you were a good person or nah. You couldn’t decide whether the knot in your stomach had become bigger because of fear or excitement. You couldn’t decide whether you should have believed in love. According to your bad luck with men, you were afraid that your next choice would indeed kill you. And you were far from ready to die.

‘Look at me!’ he begged, resting his index-finger on your chin fondling the delicate skin of your face. He didn’t force you to do as he pleased but after a certain point you did it anyway. ‘If you changed your mind, just tell me. I won’t be mad.’

You nodded, gaze fixed on his tired smile. It reminded you of that particular night when you’d figured out the reason behind that cheeky smile he’d given you when he asked whether you two could become partners in crime. Unlike your first guess, Dean hadn’t found you attractive. He had a strange addiction to danger and crazy people like you. The young woman who had burst into a non-stop shop with an empty gun.

‘I want it,’ you whispered in a voice so faint that even your heart was beating louder.

Of course, you had other choices in life besides playing the criminal but the idea of finding a new job in a completely new town choked you alive. For you, loneliness was scarier than anything such as staying with a thief and you kinda liked the way things had been during the last few days. Waking up early had soon become a routine and you enjoyed your time whenever you’d watched Dean cook something delicious in the kitchen.

‘Sure?’ he asked and damn he sounded so freaking worried, you had to tear you gaze away  with a massive gulp to keep your sanity. If only, you would have had more chances left. Then maybe, maybe you could gave him one.

So, a faint ‘hm’ was all you said before you brushed his hand off yours and aimed the lonely tin on the wood. This time, you did hit your target - not in the middle but still - and even though that y voice in your mind called it pure luck, you couldn’t have been happier.

You weren’t a deadweight anymore.

Five months had passed by and soon everyone knew your names - you’d even gotten admirers, some girls your age, calling you brave for choosing a different way. And it filled your heart with satisfaction.

‘Ready?’ Dean asked checking both of your guns before he would hand over the smaller weapon to you. You, on the other hand, just sat in his car, waiting.

You’d developed your own, badass strategy after the third robbery with minor difficulties and it’d been working pretty good ever since. While Dean was the one with the strong attitude aiming his gun at whoever sat behind the counter, you were the observer who searched for hidden cameras, learned the blueprint by heart and knew the schedule of every freaking shift including that old lady’s who worked in the kiosk inside the bank. She sold delicious snacks.

‘I was born ready.’

Hearing your reply, he shot you a smile and you had to admit that you kinda liked the way he looked at you, eyes dark from something that you couldn’t quite pinpoint, even though you had bad experiences with men in general.

He grabbed you by the hand at the same time you shut the door, hence you went inside the greyish building as lovesick fools days before their marriage. This was one of your favourite scenarios that you tend to come up with since you both got bored pretty soon. Although the way his long fingers caressed your skin felt a bit different, a bit more intimate.

You swallowed down the cold comment that was already on the tip of your tongue.

The fun began after the old lady left the kiosk closing its door ever so slowly as if she had known something that nobody else did. She danced on your nerves, really, but you brushed aside the urge to gulp and fought the knot that grew bigger and bigger in your throat. Your plan was simple, nothing could have gone wrong.

You were almost out, bags full of cash in your hands, when one of the guards stood up playing the hero with his loaded gun. He aimed at Dean - right in the middle of his chest - screaming empty threats and you acted on instincts. You shot him painting the wall crimson behind his back.

Your beloved gun fell out of your trembling hand in the moment you realized what you’ve done and you couldn’t catch it before it would have hit the ground but honestly, that damn weapon was the last thing you thought about. You were shocked. You were frozen. And everything around you was a complete mess.

‘Come on! Let’s go,’ Dean shouted in your face although you remained still. He had to elbow your back, pushing you towards the damn door to make you move.

You didn’t recognize the change in the scenery until he stopped the engine in the middle of nowhere and you were faced with the big blue sea, abandoned and sad. For the first time in a long time, salty tears were piercing your eyes.

‘Are you…’ feeling alright? he wanted to ask but his words failed him badly. He remained silent and so did you.

You stayed on the shore for hours and Dean’s faint ‘thank you,’ was the only thing that lessened your pain. He wanted to tell you more though, telling you how much he loved you but he knew your heart way too well and a confession like that wouldn’t have been able to solve your problem anyway.

After you’d killed that man, you’d needed space that Dean had given to you without you asking for it. That’s how you’d realized that you were indeed head over heels.

‘Dear lord,’ you sighed with a dramatic sigh before you pushed your now-empty cup further getting off of the chair. Considering that it was your sixth - and last - time falling in love, you weren’t exactly happy. Not that you’d been able to find at least a spark of joy in your life during the last three days.  Everything was screwed.

You were reading on the couch, hands trembling whenever you turned a page, when Dean got home with two pockets of groceries. He looked tired, you could tell it from the corner of your eyes, and a part of you blamed you for his sleepless nights. He’d taken care of you ever since that ill-fated night you two had met at the gas-station. He still did. Yet, you punished him for something that you had done.

You put the book aside to the edge of the sofa then walked towards him with a faint smile.

‘Thank you,’ you said as you lifted a bottle of milk in front of your eyes. You found it quite interesting, much more interesting than Dean’s face that started to beam as he heard your voice after long days of silence.

You didn’t speak much - he didn’t force you to - but your little conversations between preparing the dinner, watching your favourite movie on the couch and going to bed meant the whole world to you, so you changed your mind and let him sleep in the king-sized bed right next to you as always instead of the mattress in front of it. You kinda missed his presence anyway. Three days had been more than enough.

Although your brain clearly thought it otherwise. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t fall asleep, therefore somewhere between your fifth and sixth useless turns, you let out a loud sigh.

‘Are you awake?’ you asked a bit unsure of yourself. You couldn’t decide whether you really wanted to talk or it was just tiredness that messed with your head but for a moment there was this eager desire in your chest to share your inner thoughts with him, him, him.

You your bottom lip and turned your back on Dean. Stupid, stupid you! Why couldn’t you fall asleep?

‘Yeah,’ he murmured when you sat onto the edge of the bed, fingers digging into the creasy blanket. You needed some air - at least, that’s what you told yourself - but you halted before your toes could touch the floor. It was hard for you to breathe.

Your fingers were fidgeting with the hem of your tee - his tee - when he got out of the bed, made a detour and sat by your side. He was more than an arm-length away but it helped.

For a minute, you sank into your mind filled with sorrow and death. It took you back to the great hall of the bank, your petite body surrounded by golden columns and crimson walls. You could feel the blood on your palms although a racional part of you knew that your hands had never been dirty from red patches. It was a cruel illusion. Though, it felt real and warm. It hugged your body with anxiety.

‘What do you think about death? Do you believe in afterlife?’ you asked out of the blue and you would have swore to God that Dean’s muscles tensed up as your deep voice reached his ears. It was both funny and frustrating considering his confident personality and the fact that you had never seen him as uncomfortable before.

‘I’m not sure. Maybe. Maybe not,’ he said in his sleepy voice and damn you wanted to hug him so much it caused you physical pain. Like, literally. As you looked down at your trembling hands, you could see tiny crescents imprinted deep in your flesh. One of them was almost bleeding. ‘Why?’

‘I think about it a lot lately,’ you replied without hesitation although the awkward silence didn’t fade away. It kept lingering around your bodies waiting for the right moment to crash your bones. Yet, if you could have changed something in your shared past, you wouldn’t have done anything. You liked the way you complemented each other. You were happy that he was alive. Your soul was cheap in exchange for his life. ‘What it feels like. Does it hurt?’

You wished that he would have said something, anything but he didn’t. It wasn’t because of him being selfish or insensitive, though. He just couldn’t find the right words and you knew that he refused to say anything cliche. Instead, he hugged you and his touch finally melted the heavy burdens away that suffocated you from the minute Dean had dragged you out of the bank.

‘Would you remember me? If I died, would you?’ you asked whispering under your nose.

Dean fondled the crook of your neck then pulled you further so that he could look you in the eye. He was smiling as if everything would be perfectly fine until you had each other and gosh you wanted him to be right so badly that you almost shed tears.

‘Until my last breath,’ he started pecking your nose and all the moles on your cheeks. He was cheesy but also sincere and in that moment you knew that you were indeed doomed. Yet, falling in love had never felt this good before.

It’d taken you three weeks to get back on track although a part of you still had its doubts. Therefore, stealing money with fancy guns that you’d enjoyed more than anything became more like a must than a fun activity to kill your time with. But what could you say? You stuck in that freaking golden cage you two had built along with your names because life was expensive and everyone needed money. As simple as it was, too many people knew your faces to get a decent job.

‘One of the bullets must have made a hole into the fuel tank. We’re running out of gas,’ Dean screamed and you gulped looking at the side window on your right.

You were chased by police cars in a small town near Ulsan after a successful robbery that’d turned out to be a well planned trap with a bunch of police officers. They’d pointed their guns at you the moment you two had stepped out of the building and had started to shoot when you’d tried your best to run away. After a certain point, they hadn’t even try to play by their stupid rules. They’d become so annoyed - vengeful maybe -, they hadn’t even cared whether they get you dead or alive. You were in serious danger.

‘Awesome,’ you yelped as you fitted your gun close to your chest and took a deep breath as if a gulp of fresh oxygen could have solved all your problems and reset your useless brain that refused to work all of a sudden.

With the growing  pain of anxiety, you leaned out of the window and shot once and twice although your bullets proved to be useless against your target. They scratched the glass but nothing more.

When Dean took a sharp turn, your back crashed into the passenger’s seat.

‘They can’t catch us, they can’t…’ you rambled and gosh you knew that you were rambling, salty tears piercing your eyes. The possibility of spending the rest of your life in a tiny cell caged like animal freaked you out on a whole new level. For a minute, you wondered whether death itself would have been a better option.

As if Dean could read your mind, his palm found your thigh, fingers caressing the soft skin through your skinny jeans. As usual, he was perfectly aware of your worries and used the perfect method to calm you down.

‘I won’t let them,’ he promised although his encouraging smile twitched when a black car stopped in front of you out of nowhere. He cursed, then put both of his hands on the steering wheel to avoid the crash. You missed the pleasant warmth of his palm.

You had many negative features such as being mistrustful or acting like a drama queen without a proper reason but you weren’t naive. You knew that there were promises one simply couldn't keep and the fact that Dean came up with such a big cliche warned you for the apocalypse.

You almost laughed when eventually you ran out of luck. The next road had a dead end.

‘Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!’ Dean shouted beating the steering wheel with uncontrollable anger. When he finally stopped, he looked at you although all you could see was his white knuckles and glittering eyes filled with unsaid apologies. He seemed sad, hopeless even.

Even though you were surrounded by the police, the only thing you were able to focus on was the sorrow on his handsome face. It captured you, hugged you and choked you alive. You had to say it before it’d been too late.

‘It’s okay. I love you,’ you whispered grabbing Dean’s trembling hands. You tried to erase his pain knowing that your words probably meant the world for him as if your feelings hadn’t been pretty obvious since that sleepless night in his arms. Damn, you both cared for each other as much as if it had been meant to be. It’s just that you had been too much of a coward to admit the truth.

Dean’s eyes widened - a part of him couldn’t believe that he wasn’t dreaming - but after a few more seconds, he let you wrap your arms around him searching for his own peace in your clumsy embrace. Your confession couldn’t have been further from perfect.

But it was enough. You were enough.

‘So this is it,’ he said sweeping a mop of hair behind your ear ever so gently. If you hadn’t known him better - or the current situation, really -, his faint sigh would have sounded for you as one of those he’d made when he’d been tired after a long day. But it was different and you knew exactly what he was thinking about.

After you’d told him the reason behind your reserved personality - you’d been cold regardless of the between you two sending ambivalent signals all the time -, he’d learned your biggest fear which was being vulnerable or being locked up in a situation you couldn’t get out of. He knew that you had rather died than being imprisoned by men. He knew and he was willing to follow you. It broke your heart.

‘I love you,’ you repeated over and over again between desperate kisses. You were crying in silence, tears falling down your crimson cheeks but it didn’t matter. Nothing really mattered. For him, you were perfect and everything he had ever wanted. ‘I love you.’

You had little time left, the police officers had already asked you to get out of the car multiple times, so you kissed him once again running your shaking fingers through his hair. He bit your bottom lip and you moaned. It was painfully beautiful.

The first bullet broke the window, the second tore your flesh apart. Your shoulder, your back, your wrist. It hurt, everything hurt but this was life and so as love. You’d learned it already.

It turned out that people were indeed right about one thing: this whole game of feelings and passion was an inverse Russian roulette. And in the end - at least - you were lucky enough to find the last bullet in that so-called gun.

You had no regrets.

the end.