When YooA finds herself breathing hard with her back against the cold floor, beads of sweat cooling up tiny portions of her forehead, the thoughts from earlier when she had decided to turn back from the bus stop return, as if reminding her of the reason she's here, back in the small practice room of her shabby company, alone with the person she'd wish to see last if she had a choice. 

Seulgi did say once, that "another person spending more time and working harder does not mean you are working any less" but YooA didn't know who that statement was meant to be directed against. YooA still doesn't know. She scoffs in her mind every time she recalls this. Seulgi's the last person to have to say this. YooA means the hurt when she spits "That's cheap. Practising alone?" outright into Seulgi's face (or rather, her reflection in the mirror) as a response to the anger crawling up her knuckles upon hearing the loud music and seeing Seulgi's fluid dance moves.

Compliments. Fans. Constant reminders that Seulgi has great talents and recognition and will go so far, whereas YooA- she's still where she is, after long, exhausting nights of practising and sleeplessness thanks to mulling over her hazy future. Have I come far from square one? YooA narrows her eyes. Or am I still at square one? Behind even, perhaps? 

Similarly, YooA has seen a motivational message somewhere saying "someone else's success is not your own failure". But in an environment where competition is prevalent and making one's own presence reign over others' is vital, YooA doubts the truth of that message. In an environment where what you have dictates how much more you're going to get, YooA's seemingly empty hands are hungry for substance to hold, in order to receive more. 

So when Seulgi admits that she's grown afraid of singing before people, YooA feels a sourness spread over her heart, like a bottle of acid tipped over as it has been waiting to be, filled to the brim all this while. YooA finds herself to be the friend that secretly gloats when her best friend is facing difficulty.

YooA loves Seulgi, to be honest. Too much for her own good. If it weren't for the stings she'd feel every time she sees how able Seulgi is (and how she is not), YooA wants Seulgi. All for herself. She doesn't deny how much sunshine it brings her, much more than the sun in the sky, when Seulgi's lips are curved into a smile. She doesn't neglect the butterflies in her stomach every time their arms brush; she doesn't ignore the thumping of her heart against her ribcage whenever she looks into Seulgi's beautiful brown orbs that are looking back into hers. 

YooA knows and accepts how much warmth and joy Seulgi's presence brings her, and after a long period of knowing each other YooA has seen traits in Seulgi that make her heart swell. How Seulgi looks out for everyone, how adorable her eyes turn into crescents as she laughs whenever she's fazed in a situation, how Seulgi shows concern for her when the situation calls for it. No doubt, YooA loves Seulgi- it's as if Seulgi has become an important person to her more than anybody else in the world.

Because Seulgi is everything she isn't, right?

But also exactly because so, YooA wishes she was more like Seulgi. YooA feels low whenever she realises the differences between the two of them. 

That's when she realises that how much she wants Seulgi and how much she wants to be Seulgi could no longer compare.

"Unnie," YooA calls out to Seulgi who's lying beside her, "do you know what my dream is?" YooA lets herself think out loud with her question.

"Beats me," Seulgi shrugs, "debuting?"

YooA smiles at Seulgi's innocent response, the tiny flash of excitement in Seulgi's eyes when mentioning "debuting". Sometimes Seulgi doesn't see what's underlying, read between the lines to decipher what's further. YooA takes a deep breath. 

"My dream is," YooA pauses, "unnie."

YooA blinks, going foreword to tell Seulgi all she's been trying hard to keep to herself in fear of hurting the latter while showing her true emotions. "I want to be told I did better than you just once," YooA feels a bitter taste in her tongue that follows her words.

Anxious but eager for the uncovering of the truth, she continues, "Whenever I'm with you, I get so angry and jealous it drives me crazy.

"But there's no way I can hate you," Yooa blinks, her emotionless eyes fixated on the ceiling of the practice room, "because unnie is my dream."

fin.