Jessica was on the verge of falling asleep when she heard the doorknob click open. Light from the hallway illuminated the room, and from the sound of the heavy footsteps that filled the room and the shadow that formed on the wall opposite her, She knew it was Soojung. She didn’t move from her place; she knew it's best not to.

Instead, she waited.

For the door to shut close. For the dark to fill the room once again. Jessica used to be afraid of the dark, but now, darkness was some form of protection. She hated having her sister see her.

Hearing the flick of the switch, Jessica pinched her eyes closed and focused on steadying her breath. She almost flinched at the sound of Soojung's gasp. It sounded nothing like the giddy ones Soojung used to do whenever Jessica visited her by surprise.

How long has it been since then, again? Jessica couldn’t remember anymore. She was too caught up in her work, hoping that doing so would help her find the meaning to this life she chose.

Jessica didn’t wait for the girl to recover from the shock. She wouldn't give Soojung a chance to think of a method to use to avoid her again this time. Faking a yawn, Jessica rolled onto her back, sleepily opening her eyes.“Oh, you’re back.”

“U-unnie?” Soojung stuttered, looking back at her like a deer caught in headlights.

Jessica pretended to be oblivious of the meaning behind the horrified expression on her sister’s face. She put on a small smile. “Hello, Soojung-ah.”

“W-what.. what are you doing here?” Her sister shot a hand up her neck. Jessica noticed how she also immediately brought the bouquet of flowers she was holding behind her back.

White roses.

New start.

Jessica didn’t know she was staring until Soojung shifted in place, hiding the flowers completely away from her view. The accusation in her sister’s eyes when Jessica met her gaze almost made her coil in shame for feeling hurt. She knew she didn't have a right to feel that way. Yuri was not hers. Not anymore.

Smiling tightly, Jessica tried to ease the tension in the room with a chuckle. She sat up on the bed and smiled at her sister. “To visit you, of course.”

She watched as Soojung swallowed, lips pressed tightly together and eyes squinted a little like she’s trying to find another meaning in her words. The nervousness she heard in Soojung’s voice before was gone the moment she spoke again; replaced by cold nonchalance which Jessica thought she didn’t deserve.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in Macau, right now?”

"The launch got rescheduled," Jessica said as she looked away. She leaned back on the board and pulled up Soojung’s soft comforter with her. She felt like shrinking in place, suddenly feeling unwanted. “You speak like you don’t want me here.”

“I didn’t say that.” Soojung’s reply had a bite to it.

Jessica frowned. Ever since Jessica accidentally saw her text, Soojung had been treating her like a threat and she thought she could never get used to that.

Unconsciously, Jessica poked the cheeks of Mickey Mouse printed on Soojung’s sheet. The familiarity the Disney’s character’s stupid smile offered comforted her.

(And so did the other things that reminded Jessica of her.)

Maybe, Soojung had a reason to feel threatened after all.

Jessica never really did get over Yuri, did she?

“It won't be until another week so I have time.” She looked up at Soojung, right on time Soojung had averted her gaze away. Jessica knew where she was looking at. Soojung might be more subtle, but Jessica knew that between the two of them, Soojung had always been the more possessive one. “I just thought I’d spend it with my sister.”

Soojung scoffed. Jessica watched her as the girl began to walk around the room; she took off her jacket and put it aside haphazardly, went to the closet quickly to put down her bag and swiftly threw in the flowers. Jessica could feel her giving her a look from her corner of her eyes as if she’s hoping Jessica wouldn’t see.

Jessica didn't bother to pretend she couldn't.

She watched as her younger sibling fiddled with things randomly, creating unnecessary noises, all the while nibbling on her lips. Jessica waited for her quietly. She knew Soojung was feeling guilty but couldn’t say so. That's how the girl always acted when she did something she thought her older sister wouldn't approve of.

Upon reaching her computer desk, Soojung stopped. Jessica smirked at the smile that threatened to break from the younger one’s lips. She watched her take the pastries out of the paper bag and quietly shoved them in the mini-fridge. The younger girl sighed when she faced her, looking at the down while fiddling with the ball of her foot.

Now, she knew Soojung realized was being too mean to her. Jessica didn’t need to hear any word to understand that. After all, they were both bad at apologies.

Jessica tilted her head to the side and perked her eyebrows up, wearing a hopeful smile. “Did you like them?”

Soojung nodded timidly. "Yes,” she mumbled.

Jessica broke into a full smile at that. No matter what, she'd always find her little sister so cute.

"Enough to give your sister a hug? I heard she missed you."

Opening her arms, Jessica coaxed her sister to join her in bed.

Soojung hesitated for a bit but eventually conceded. Walking to towards the bed, Soojung crawled her way to her. Jessica oof-ed, back banging against the headboard when Soojung tackled her with a hug. When she recovered, Jessica returned the hug as tight as she could. She smiled when Soojung spoke. "I missed you, too." She could almost hear the pout on her sister's voice.

Jessica pulled away and cupped Soojung's face on her palm, examining her expression. She frowned when Soojung looked back at her guiltily. There was a burden inside her eyes and Jessica could only smile to try and ease it away.

Tucking the girl's hair behind her ears, Jessica pulled Soojung's head and rested it on her shoulder. Jessica knew why she's acting like that but she knew better than to ask. She knew Soojung preferred it that she didn't.

"I'm tired. You must be tired, too. Let's sleep, shall we? I missed sleeping together with my little sister."

Soojung nodded against her shoulder. She pulled away and fell on Jessica’s side. Jessica fixed her position in the bed and opened her arms the moment Soojung started nuzzling on her shoulder, a cute habit the latter had developed after Jessica started living in the dorm.

Pulling the comforter over both of them, she pulled her younger sister closer, burying her face in the latter's hair.

And, oh, how she regretted doing that.

Jessica could smell her scent on her.

The influx of memories hit her right on the chest then.

She closed her eyes, tried to control her breathing as her head spun with the endless thought of should haves, maybes, and what ifs.

Shaking her head, Jessica wished for them to stop. Stop. Please stop overwhelming her senses. For Christ’s sake, she couldn’t think right!

Not when she could still taste the lies she told Yuri so she would let her go. All those hurtful words Yuri never deserved but Jessica stabbed her with anyway. Not when all of those memories still made her heart throb and squeeze and pump painfully against her chest, as if asking to be freed. Not when she could still hear them screaming at each other; the way Yuri’s voice trembled as she begged her to stay. Not when all she could see was Yuri’s eyes filled with love, only for her.

She didn't need these kinds of thoughts right now.

Jessica had picked her choice a long time ago and she would hold onto that choice.

“Unnie?” Soojung’s voice sounded like a muffle in the sea of Jessica’s thoughts.

“Hmm,”

“Are you happy?”

No.

Jessica nodded against Soojung’s hair.

“Really?"

Jessica hummed yes.

"Can you promise me that?”

She hummed again, hoping it would do the work because she couldn't speak, not with how tight felt.

Brushing her sister’s hair back, Jessica put a kiss on her forehead. She tightened her hold on Soojung, but her sister wiggled her way out of her arms to look up at her.

“Answer me, please.”

Jessica’s heart clenched at how desperate Soojung was looking at her.

“Why are you suddenly asking me this?” Jessica asked, trying her hardest to sound normal. If Soojung noticed how her voice quivered, she didn’t show it.

“I just need to make sure.”

They stared at each other for a long time before Jessica found her voice again.

She could almost feel her entire body protest at what she was about to say but still said it with a smile on her lips.

“Yes, I'm happy.”

As usual, the words left a sour taste in . Jessica wondered why she still hasn't gotten used to it. She said those damned words all the ing time, just so people stop asking.

(And they never stopped asking. The fans, her staff, the press... her 'friends' .... her boyfriend.)

(She wondered if it made them happy when she said yes.)

Soojung stared at her face for a moment before she face broke into a smile; bright and vibrant. Thankful. Relieved.

It was the first time Jessica saw Soojung smile like that. Her smile usually had a calming effect on Jessica, but this time, a dooming feeling settled in her. Everything throbbed painfully all at once. Her head, her heart. The promise ring on her neck pulsing against her skin. Jessica swallowed the lump in as she looked at her sister, suddenly feeling near to crying. She knew her sister could see it. She knew.

But Soojung acted like she didn't. She just went back to hugging her.

(And Jessica didn't know she wanted her to see. To acknowledge it. What was she expecting to happen? What exactly was Jessica really hoping for?)

Too many things were crowding her mind (and a person, her heart), that Jessica had barely heard the words Soojung said.

“Thank you.”

Jessica felt herself distance more from the world when she heard what Soojung mumbled against her neck.

"I guess, I get to keep my happiness this time.”

Her mind was back on those happy days with Yuri. Back on those bright smiles, warm hugs, and gentle kisses. Back on those hopeful plans and promises. Back when they were still dreaming. Before all crumpled into confusion, frustration, resentment, and helplessness.

Jessica could still remember the day she let go of Yuri's hand just so she could keep standing; unsteadily but at least, if she falls, she falls just on her own.

It was so ing selfish: that decision she took for the both of them, but she had made her choice.

"And, you will."

The person who spoke didn't sound like her.

That person sounded determined and sure. Like an accomplished woman who got her life all figured out ahead of her.

Very far from the real trembling, (and breaking) person she was inside.

The one who's still clinging on memories.

The one who only knows the way back.

 

 

--

 

Jessica could still hear Soojung's shuffling from upstairs when the doorbell rang.

Their mother shouted from the kitchen to tell Jessica to answer the door. (Jessica would go back to China in the afternoon so their mother insisted on cooking something special for her.) Leaving the magazine she was distractingly flipping through on the coffee table, Jessica dragged her feet to the front door, barely caring about trying to make herself more presentable. Either bare-faced or with make-up, people stare at her anyway.

But, the moment she saw the person standing beyond the door, it was her who did the staring.

Yuri stood on the porch on her red flannel shirt, and plain jeans, looking casual and simple but she's still as beautiful as ever. Always looking better in real life than on the internet, pictures or HD television.

Jessica stared at her in disbelief. Soojung didn't say anything about this beforehand.

(Even if she did, nothing could have prepared her for this.)

It's been almost two years since they last saw each other in person, but the way her heart pumps crazily when she's around Yuri was still the same.

It hurts.

"H-Hi," Jessica spouted when she couldn't think of anything else to say.

Unlike her, Yuri didn't look too surprised to see her.

"Hi." Yuri was smiling, hands shoved into her jean's pockets. Her smile didn't reach the eyes; very different from the way she would smile at Jessica before. Strained, that's the word. The fact made Jessica wince. Smiling at her took Yuri some effort now. "I'm here for Krystal."

It hurts.

Managing a small smile, Jessica nodded and stepped aside from the door. (It took her a lot of effort not to step forward and launch herself on Yuri instead.) "She's still upstairs. Do you... do you want to wait inside?" She asked, pointing her thumb to the back awkwardly.

Though Yuri seemed relaxed, Jessica could see hesitance in her eyes. She noticed how the latter's eyes were shaking slightly.

But she didn't look away.

No.

She looked at Jessica like she's a fear she needed to go away.

It hurts.

It was Jessica who looked away.

"Yuri-yah!"

Yuri had only opened to speak when they heard a set of noisy feet fumbling on the stairs.

They both turned to the girl. Jessica didn't even have a chance to finish her turn when Soojung ran to Yuri, greeting her with a hug.

Standing by the door, Jessica could see Soojung whisper something on Yuri's ear. Yuri smiled at her understandingly and nodded, taking a glimpse of Jessica in between their conversation. Jessica tried to listen but could only make out the "I'm sorry" she muttered to her in the end.

When Soojung pulled away, she took one of Yuri's hands. "I'll just get my bag. Just wait here for me."

"Sure." Yuri looked a little wary. Jessica felt like someone punched her in the gut when Soojung turned back to her and leaned in to give Yuri's lips a peck.

It hurts.

Giving Jessica a smile, Soojung quickly ran back inside, leaving her and Yuri alone again. Yuri followed her with her eyes as she walked away. Jessica hated standing in the middle.

Yuri gave her a look after that. Jessica couldn't meet her eyes, too afraid to understand the meaning behind it. There was an awkward silence. Aside from Jessica and Soojung, and their mom who's still busy in the kitchen, the house was empty. There, they waited; dread filling Jessica's chest by the seconds. Jessica didn't know what to say, but more than that, she really couldn't bear to look at Yuri's face. Not after seeing how she and her sister interacted.

It hurts.

Her hand itched anyway. Itched to hold on the ring she hung on her neck. The lace that was holding the ring felt tighter for some reason. Heavier.

"Jessica?"

She looked up at the mention of her full first name.

(She had always been just 'Sica' to Yuri.)

It hurts.

"Hmm?"

"So.. Uhmm.. Are you okay with me picking Soojung up?"

(Things never felt as different to her as it was now.)

Jessica's not. She knew nothing about this, but she wouldn't say that out loud.

She nodded casually, hoping the smile plastered on her face was believable enough.

"Of course. Why shouldn't I?"

Yuri looked at her for a long time; searching, reading, before she sighed and nodded to herself.

It hurts.

Another moment of silence passed before Soojung finally came down.

This time, it was Yuri who took her hand. Soojung gave her a look akin to surprise, then her expression softened. Jessica saw how she gave Yuri's hand a squeeze and how Yuri squeezed hers back.

Right then, Jessica looked away. She felt like a stranger invading their privacy.

It hurts.

She stood awkwardly as Soojung let go of Yuri's hand then came to her and gave her a hug. She stiffened when she felt Soojung subtly brought her lips near her ear.

Last chance, "unnie... Are you happy?"

It finally made sense to Jessica right then.

So this was the part.

This was the part where Soojung claimed the price she earned from fighting for Yuri after all this time.

This was the part where Soojung asked her to choose.

Would she fight or would she let go?

Soojung pulled away. She looked at Jessica dead in the eyes before turning away and pulled Yuri with her.

It hurts.

Jessica watched them walk away.

Saw how Soojung held Yuri's hand tightly as if she never wanted to let go.

It hurts.

Saw how her sister pulled Yuri in for a kiss and chased away the doubts Jessica had put in Yuri's eyes.

It hurts.

Soojung kissed Yuri's hand next and Jessica swore she saw the shine in Yuri's eyes tripled in intensity.

It hurts.

Soojung looked over her shoulder then... waiting.

It hurts.

It hurts. Because Jessica couldn't find the heart to move and fight for her. She knew it at the moment she left and hurt Yuri so purposely and so bad that the girl would only be a fool if she kept holding onto her after. She knew that from that moment, she wouldn't ever be the person who deserved to love Yuri.

Love starts and ends, but it isn't supposed to hesitate.

And, Jessica did.

She hesitated if she'd put all of her on them. Her heart faltered when not only her and her group's future was put in jeopardy by her relationship with Yuri, but also her sisters. She doubted if she could stand it. Doubted if Yuri would stay. She doubted that they would last.

...And so, they ended.

She shook her head and smiled at them, albeit sadly.

If she tried to take Yuri back now, she knew she could have succeeded. Soojung might not even have a chance. But it still wouldn't make Jessica deserving.

Soojung caught her gaze and smiled back.

'I'll take care of her, unnie. I promise.'

Soojung turned her attention back to Yuri. Her little sister caressed Jessica's ex-lover's cheeks fondly, held the latter's eyes in a reassuring gaze and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. Patient, hopeful and undemanding. Until finally, Yuri raised her hands and put them on top of her sister's then gently pulled them until Soojung's arms were around her shoulders.

Yuri kissed her then.

It wasn't a duty, an apology or a mere reassurance.

It was a promise.

Jessica leaned on the arch of the door as she watched them walk away hand-in-hand.

She nodded to herself, tears escaping from her eyes.

'I know.'

 

 

---

 

 

There are a million ways to say I love you.

One of them is 'I'm here.'

Another is 'I miss you.'

Sometimes, it's 'Stay' or 'I'm never going away.'

But a few times, how it is said doesn't feel like 'I love you' at all.

Sometimes, it's 'Go away,' or 'Enough,' or 'It's better we end it this way.'

Because sometimes I love you may sound like goodbye,

But that wouldn't make it mean any less.

 

 

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Epilogue

 

 

 

On her flight to Macau, Jessica received a message.

"Did you tell her you still love her?"

Jessica's heart still throbbed; she's afraid it'd never go away completely, but she knew she did the right thing.

She tried to smile as she typed her reply.

"In a way... I guess, I did."

For the first time since Jessica left, she removed the promise ring from her necklace and put it inside her bag.

 

 

 

 

-END-