Tidal Waves In A Pond

Hyun’s plan to avoid her mother goes to the dogs when her dad wakes her up, a Sunday, no less, and tells her they’re having an impromptu breakfast party. Hyun isn’t the biggest fan of breakfast or parties. Her first instinct is to crack an eye open, huff, close it again, and then roll over. 

“C’mon, pumpkin.” Her dad taps her shoulder. “Do it for me?”

“I’m going to confiscate your apron because you’re not being very #1 pops-y at the moment.” Hyun groans and sits up. The blanket slides from her shoulders and pools at her waist. 

“Hey, attagirl. I will see you downstairs in twenty minutes with a smile.” 

Hyun only opens her eyes when the door closes.

 It’s bright, too bright. 

There’s a foul taste in that might be hair; but, the question is, how did it get there?

Hyun vaguely recalls that Kyungsoo is supposed to be flying in this afternoon as she puts on some pants and rubs the sleep out of her eyes. The fact that she’ll have her lanky tree back doesn’t help veil what she’s about to do: have breakfast with her mother. The thought of it makes her want to crawl in a hole and evaporate. 

She slides her phone in her pocket like a sword in a sheath. Maybe texting Chanyeol about how awkward it is will cure some of her nerves. Is he in class right now?

What day is it?

She has no priorities. None. She vows to herself that she’ll get some after she rakes her hair into a fluffy ponytail. She has a mini panic attack on her way down the steps because it’s really quiet, like they’re waiting for her. 

The truth is they aren’t sitting in silence, rather whispering back and forth to each other. Said whispering stops promptly when Hyun makes her entrance and she can’t help but squint and wonder. 

“Good morning.” Her mother says airily, smiling.

“Morning,” Hyun says back. She grabs a stool and sits at the island, opposite her mother and close enough to her dad to kick him for doing this to her. It’s barely eight a.m. There is a place in the world where this is illegal. Child abuse. She is just beginning to get a decent amount of sleep per night. 

But that’s not important right now.

What is important is that her mother is looking at her and her dad is looking at her and they both seem to want something from Hyun. She pokes at the plate of extra crispy turkey bacon and runny eggs that her dad plants right in front of her, grinning. 

Soon, the kitchen is full of clanking forks and shallow breathing. Hyun still isn’t over how her dad is so extremely calm. This woman who packed up and abandoned them is suddenly back one day, crashing into their lives like she went to pick up some milk from around the corner and got stopped at a long red light. The more she sits here and thinks about it, the more she’s gripping her fork like it’s her anchor to sanity, keeping her from saying something she wants to but probably shouldn’t. 

“So,” her mother sits up, skewering a piece of egg with her fork and smiling right at Hyun. “I thought we could see a movie tonight. Neighbors 2 is supposed to be funny. Do you want to see a movie?”

Hyun doesn’t look up. She pushes around her food with lazy of her fork. “Not really my type of thing.”

“We can see something else then,” her mother says hopefully.

“Movies aren’t really my type of thing.” Hyun eats a piece of egg and lets it sit in .

“Or, we could-”

“Actually, going anywhere with you isn’t really my thing.”

“Hyun,” her dad warns.

“Ray, it’s alright.” Her mother takes a deep breath. “Sweetie, I’m sorry. I know I haven’t been around and me being here is going to take some adjusting to. I can’t apologize to you enough for that. But, I left because I had to.”

“No, you left because you wanted to.” She is somewhat blindsided by the anger that pours out of . She had sensed a fraction of it, boiling underneath her skin. The extent does surprise her, though. She puts her fork down completely after her appetite vanishes. Hyun is aware of the eyes on her face, but she can’t find it anywhere in her to meet any of them.

“I’m not hungry.” She stands, looking toward the living room and sighing deeply to keep herself from vomiting at the rush of sadness and anger that lands in her stomach and stays there, hot and heavy. 

“You should eat,” her mother says. Hyun rebukes the worry that is thick in her voice.

“I feel sick,” she grunts.

“I could make porri-”

“I just want to sleep.” Hyun leaves without a word more. She goes up to her bedroom and closes the door. It's strange the way she wants to cry but doesn’t at the same time. She scans her room in a hurry for something to do before she has the leisure to settle on sitting on the floor and bawling like a toddler. With a passion akin to someone about to have her hands cut off, Hyun gets out her easel and props up some thick paper. A few jars of paint nearly slip out of her busy fingers when she lines them on the edge and sits on her wooden stool, tense and desperate. 

Turns out sadness is an emotion she works well with. By the time she’s done creating a black ocean with blue and silver shadows against an endless, indigo night, she almost feels bad for herself. The wet, imperfectly round moon hangs low in the crackling sky and is shaded by fat, destructive clouds that empty themselves into the waves, wild and dangerous. 

Hyun ping-pongs between painting, sketching, and pretending to sleep before waking up ten minutes later even more tired and frustrated. She wishes she actually had the energy to storm out of the house like a normal teenager. It seems pretty redundant to make a scene and not leave. The fact that she’s still here, only a room above where her parents are surely whispering passionately about her, is sad. Chanyeol is half an hour away and probably busy being an actual student. Mina is wherever Mina wants to be, outside and enjoying the company of people whose company is actually enjoyable. Kyungsoo isn’t due to make an appearance until late afternoon or early evening. 

Hyun is the only one out of the bunch who is sitting idle and unimportant in her room. She’s the only one who has no idea what she wants to do with her life. Chanyeol wants to open a restaurant, Kyungsoo wants to join a symphony, and Mina probably is going to end up coordinating bungee jumping sessions off the side of a Buddhist temple somewhere in rural China. They all have it figured out while Hyun struggles to get out of bed in the morning. 

Mina does her famous barging in some time in the afternoon when Hyun is actually sleeping after having cried herself into a short, restless nap.  She sits up when Mina hops on her bed, yawning quietly and blinking tiredly.  

“Babe, you’re not going to believe what happened.” 

Hyun can’t help but smile. 1,000% it has to do with a boy.

“This dude tried to talk to me today.”

Bingo.
Mina dives nose first into her story. Hyun is listening somewhat, thinking about something else somewhat. She’s heard a billion boy stories from Mina in her lifetime. What she’s focused on are the blonde highlights in Mina’s brown hair and the gold hoop earrings framing her heart-shaped face. 

Since when did she wear earrings?

She looks different. In a good way. 

“Are you even listening?” Mina nudges Hyun with a quirked brow.

“Sorry.”

“Whatever.” Mina scoots to the head and crosses her legs, hazel eyes trained on her. “What have you been up to?”

Hyun shrugs. “I’ve been thinking about college.”

“Yuck. College.” Mina groans with an eyeroll. “Monica won’t get off my case about it. I know she’s trying to be supportive by telling me that it doesn’t have to be a 4-year and I could go to a trade school if I wanted. But she just doesn’t get it. What if I don’t want to go to college?”

“What would you do then?” Hyun asks.

“Aw, man, I don’t know.” Mina heaves a sigh. “Maybe, travel. Like Confuscious. Learn, grow, and ascend. All that good stuff.”

“Your goal in life is to model the existence of an old, dead, Chinese man?”

“No, .” Mina kicks her foot out playfully, and even though Hyun knows she means no harm she jerks back, grinning. “My goal in life is to actually live it. Instead of being stuck in some hall full of people that the only thing I have in common with is the fact that we’re all going to be in debt for the rest of our lives, probably.”

“Apply for a scholarship?” Hyun offers lamely.

Mina actually laughs at this, bitterly so, mind you. “Unless there’s a Life Alert to get my grades back up from how low they’ve fallen, then I’m gonna have to keep dreaming. Scholarships are out of the question. Financial aid is out of the question. My entire life is out of the question.”

Hyun hums empathetically.

“Oh, yeah. You were saying something earlier about the demon institution.” Mina slumps lower in the pillows and looks at Hyun.

“About college.” Hyun rolls her eyes.

Mina waves her hand dismissively. “Same difference.”

“What if I wanted to go?” Hyun asks hesitantly.

Mina sits up then.

“You?” she says incredulously.

“Me,” Hyun confirms.

“In college?”

“Correct.”

“Voluntarily?”

“Now I don’t really intend to be clubbed and dragged there,” Hyun snaps impatiently. “Are you planning on giving me actual input, or are you just going to keep stringing together short-syllable responses?”

“Sorry. I just-” Mina shakes her head. “I’m just surprised. Not online?”

“Not online,” Hyun says definitely. She thought about doing it online. But that seemed just as safe as what she's always been doing. Nothing makes her as scared and excited as the thought of actually being there, amongst people, and not feeling like she is drowning.

“I think online would be best, though,” Mina says.

“Why?” Hyun asks.

“It’s dangerous. You have, you know-”

“I know. I’m crippled,” Hyun says bitterly.

“I didn’t mean it that way,” Mina says defensively.

“Then how did you mean it?” Hyun’s voice pitches.

“I meant, uh, something like, más vale ser cabeza de ratón que cola de león,” Mina says.

“More Confucius?” Hyun asks. 

“No. My dad said that.”

“Your foster dad?” Hyun softens.

“No. My real dad. Before he-”

“Yeah.” Hyun nods. “Right. What does it mean?”

“The English equivalent is weird. But it basically means that it’s better to be a big fish in a little pond than a small fish in a big pond. You don’t have to push yourself to be something you’re not.”

“I’m not pushing,” Hyun groans and leans back on her bed.

“What are you doing then?” Mina pries. “The world isn’t fun or easy. It’s frustrating, lonely. It’s a bad place. It . You don’t get that.”

“You want to live your life,” Hyun huffs, “but I don’t have the right to live mine?”

“Your life is good, Lala. You have a loving family, and now your mom’s back.”

“I’ve known her for what, two months? She’s barely my mom.” Hyun stands now and paces from her desk back to the bed.

“At least she cares,” Mina says, suddenly serious. Hyun stops pacing and looks at Mina. 

“Monica cares,” Hyun says.

“Yeah.” Mina shrugs with a tight grin. “When she isn’t drunk or high.”

“Look, I get what you’re saying but-”

“No.” Mina gets up. All traces of her usually easy-going and playfully sarcastic nature are gone. “You don’t get it. You have a dad and a mom now. They both love you. They’re not alcoholics or drug addicts or anything else. You’re so lucky but you don’t even appreciate it. I love you, Hyun, but you can be so selfish sometimes.”

“I’m selfish?” Hyun scoffs and rolls her eyes. “I’m selfish for wanting to take control of my life for once? Not wanting to let everything I’ve always hated about myself rule me makes me selfish? I’m not allowed to be my own person?”

“That’s not what I meant,” Mina says roughly.

“Yes, that is what you meant. You hate not being in control of everything. You’re a control freak, Mina, and you can’t stand when things don’t go the way you planned them. Newsflash: We’re not six anymore. You can’t boss me around in the sandbox.” Hyun is vaguely aware of the mortified expression frozen on Mina’s face when she sits at her desk and throws open her notepad. Her heart is beating, inconsistent and frantic, as she sloppily scribbles nonsense in the corner. Her hands are shaking so bad she can’t form actual things on the paper.

“Is that how you really feel, Lala?” Her voice sounds small and hurt.

Hyun doesn’t reply.

“Fine. Whatever.”

After a minute of awkward breathing, the familiar whine of weight being lifted from her mattress demands all of her attention. She counts the heavy steps that lead up to the door, can even hear the stuttered breaths, before her door closes.

She sits at her desk for a long time, wiping away the tears that drip pathetically out of her eyes for a little before completely giving up and letting them soak the crumpled paper in front of her. Her chest is tight. is too warm. Her shoulders won’t stop shaking because of the sobs that reduce her to a soggy mess across the surface of her desk.

The sky darkens. Hyun observes this with sedated attention when her crying stops and she resigns herself to staring out of the window, emptiness rattling loud and hollow in her chest. Her stomach is in actual pain as she stands, after hours, and cracks every stiff muscle in her lower and upper body. She turns on her desk lamp before leaving her room. She walks carefully down the stairs, slightly unnerved at the lack of noise. 

A quick look out of the window tells her that her parents have gone somewhere together and that she’s home alone for however long. This bit of new information helps her relax as she goes into the kitchen and sticks her head directly into the fridge. Hyun is nabbing a plate from the cabinet over the sink to use for her pMinia when the sound of the front door unlocking makes her stop and listen. 

“Hey, squirt.” 

Hyun doesn’t squeal. She doesn’t. That’s the sound of her feet on the hardwood as she drops her plate on the counter and runs into the living room, straight into Kyungsoo’s arms. He stumbles back with a deep chuckle, wrapping his arms around her and squeezing gently.

“Easy, squirt.” 

She tries to say something coherent, but her words come out so fast and urgent that Kyungsoo ends up shushing her and patting her back. Hyun’s hold is becoming exponentially tighter as she warms up on the inside at having her big brother back. He’s warm just like she remembers and he smells just like Kyungsoo is supposed to smell, a little like organic green tea and generic cologne with a hint of brass. 

“You’re here,” Hyun says, a little breathless and in awe.

“In the flesh, short stack.”

Hyun loosens her grip a little bit to stare up at him, smiling like a fool. “Are you hungry?”

“Um,” Kyungsoo laughs. “Actually, I am. I’d love some of your famous microwaved leftover pizza. If you got it.”

“I got it.” Hyun nods.

“Good.”

Hyun lets Kyungsoo undress when she goes back into the kitchen and adds some more pizza on her plate, putting it in the microwave. She walks over to the kitchen doorway and watches Kyungsoo toe out of his boots at the door. He goes over to the closet and begins putting his outerwear away. Hyun goes to grab a stool.

Kyungsoo strolls into the kitchen. He always has to duck a little so the top of the doorway doesn’t nick him on the forehead. He’s over six feet and is built all over from basketball, despite never playing for an actual team and being more well-versed in the art of sight-reading than ball stealing. He’s not ‘no-neck, 200lb, I can never work in retail or else I’ll scare small children’ big, but he’s brawny and has defined muscles. He sits at the island across from Hyun.

“Was the flight okay?” Hyun asks. 

“I had to sit in front of a screaming kid and his mom who was more interested in her show than what her child was doing. The food in coach kinda . My neck is raw from napping on the plane. But, other than that it was alright. Nothing exploded.” Kyungsoo says, running his fingers through his brown curls, looking up at Hyun with a tired grin. “How was your day?”

“It was normal.” She shrugs with her eyes on the green numbers of the microwave, ticking down slowly. It’s at 23 seconds when Kyungsoo says that Hyun is lying and she shakes her head.

“What do you mean?” She doesn’t look at him.

“What I mean,” Kyungsoo is saying, “is that your emotions are like a PSA. Something happened and I want to know what that something is. So shoot, shortie.”

“Nothing happened,” Hyun says. She notices the hitch in her voice and nearly whines because of it. Kyungsoo keeps looking at her, puts his chin in his hands and tilts his head.

“Humor me.”

“I...uh...I-” Hyun clears , eyes roaming uncomfortably across the lines in the table before coming back up to stare at Kyungsoo. She is just opening when the microwave dings and she hates herself for jumping up like the guilty duck she is and nearly tripping over the leg of one of the stools to turn off the timer. She sticks her hand directly in the microwave without thinking and hisses when she comes close to searing off her fingerprints.

“Be careful,” Kyungsoo chides.

“Alright, okay,” Hyun is grumbling to herself when she puts her thumb in and revels in the coolness. “Note to self, don’t do that.”

“You fought with Mina?”

Hyun looks at her older brother then, forehead creasing. “How did…-”

“She texted me to come over later. She said she has stuff to return and receive.”

Hyun groans and slumps, limbs suddenly heavy with regret. “She hates me now, doesn’t she?”

“She doesn’t hate you.” Kyungsoo finally gets up and decides to serve himself since Hyun just standing at the open microwave nursing her fried thumb as a result of her own never failing stupidity isn’t getting food into his stomach any faster. He takes out the now cool plate and picks up a second one on his way back to his stool. He waves the empty plate at Hyun and nods his head to the island. Hyun limps over and melts across the cool, slick granite, listless.

“She hates me. The one friend I have now wants nothing to do with me. Great job, Hyun. Thanks, Hyun. Oh, no problem, Hyun. Anything for you.”

“Stop holding a dialogue with yourself and hold one with me.” Kyungsoo slides over a plate with two slices of pizza. “She doesn’t hate you. She’s just dramatic. You both are. Trust me. I grew up dealing with it.”

Hyun only grumbles in response.

“Okay, we won’t talk about it. Just know that I’m right.” Kyungsoo takes a bite of pizza and thumps his index and middle finger on the top of Hyun’s head to get her to lift it and look at him. It works, even if she is glowering now. “Let’s talk about mom. Are you okay?”

Dumb question.

“No.”

“Do you think you’ll be okay soon?”

“Probably not.” Hyun shrugs. 

“Hyun, there’s something you need to know that nobody but me wants to tell you.”

“Is there anyone in this house that hasn’t been keeping things from me?” Hyun sits up.

“It’s hard to tell you some things-”

“Why? Because I’ll break?” Hyun inserts roughly.

“No.” Kyungsoo corrects her with a strong look that tells her she might want to stop talking and start listening. “Because we care. And sometimes you’re so inside of your own head that you fail to join us in the real world.”

“Fine.” Hyun steels herself with a deep breath. “I’m all ears.”

It’s sickening how fast she regrets saying anything. Hyun’s stomach twists. Her head fills with pressure and explodes, repeatedly. Kyungsoo levels her with an empathetic look, eyes sad and grin empty. Her arms are shaking a little. Her leg is doing that thing where it vibrates and she doesn't really have any control over it. Kyungsoo continues to speak, but Hyun’s mind is still wrapped up in ‘cancer’. Her head tries to bend itself to understand it. 

“You’re not listening,” he accuses.

“I am.” Hyun whispers in a hiss, chest tight.

“Dad sent mom to his family in America. She could get good care for cheap. That was the situation.” Kyungsoo sighs. “She was bound to get a lot worse before she got better. And, God forbid, if anything happened, the last thing we would have remembered of her would have been her wasting away in a hospital. I can’t blame her for leaving. Would I have liked it if she called more? Maybe sent some letters? Sure. But she didn’t. And I’m choosing to move past it. And that’s a decision you have to make too. Forgive and forget, or resent and remember? But, you’re her only daughter, you know?”

Hyun inwardly scoffs at the way he uses ‘only’ to guilt her, and at how it works.

“Mom loved us.” Kyungsoo puts his hand on top of Hyun’s. “She still loves us. You don’t have to join her fanclub. Just give her a chance. Okay?”

Hyun rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “This is unreal.”

“Squirt, she only ever wanted the best for us. I was young when it happened, which only means you were that much younger. I get that it’s hard information to take in. But, try, okay? At least for my sake.”

Hyun gets up, disconnecting their hands, and walks over to the doorway. 

“For dad. For you. What about for me? When do I get to be okay, huh?” Hyun grabs a jacket from the closet.

“Squirt.”

“No.” Hyun backs up, rubbing at the throbbing in her temple as she goes. “I have to go. I have to...I have to leave. I’m selfish. I’m the most selfish person on the planet, but I can’t be here right now.”

“You’re not selfish.” Kyungsoo gets up and jogs after Hyun who is already sliding into her shoes and fitting her phone in her jeans pocket. He grabs her by her shoulders and urges her to look at him. It proves to be one of the most difficult things she’s done all day. She can’t look at him properly without feeling like a bratty teenager throwing a hissy fit. It’s just hard to get over the mountain sat right in front of her eyes and looming terrifyingly high. 

“You’re not selfish. Why would you think that?”

“I’m not the only one who thinks that.”

“Wait, was it Mina?” Kyungsoo sighs. “Hyun, she was mad. You both were. You know she didn’t mean it.”

“How do you know that, big brother? She could have meant it. And, I mean, even if I am selfish and conceited or whatever else, I think some of it is justified considering all of the crap that’s been dumped on me in the last few months and just now. You had your time to deal with everything. I didn’t. Don’t I at least deserve some time? Or is that selfish as well?”

Kyungsoo closes his eyes with a frustrated noise and releases his grip on Hyun’s shoulders; judging by the slight tremors in his arms, he does so very reluctantly. He opens his eyes again once he’s less tense and the way he stares at Hyun or through her, with these sad, sad eyes prevents her from saying anything as her chest constricts a little, stuttering. 

“Where would you go?” His voice is very tight and low.

“To my friend’s house. Chanyeol,” she answers quietly. He looks at her then, like a small child getting their first taste of betrayal. It would be easier for Hyun to leave if Kyungsoo wasn’t blinking at her like a wounded puppy. She can’t contain the wave of emotion that crashes against her agitated shore and she throws her arms around him, kissing him on the cheek once before slipping outside.

The sun is extremely low in the sky. She walks to the nearest park in the last slivers of daylight. She sits on a swing and sends Chanyeol a text message. She tells him not to rush if he’s busy. She has no one else to see, nowhere else to go.