Cutting Close Edges

Hyun's memory from the night before is scrambled and fuzzy. The only thing she can recall is when Chanyeol tucked her in after she cried her eyes out and officially knocked out. tastes like a cat crawled in it and birthed an entire litter. She can’t remember the last time she drank water and so she wakes up with a headache to rival all others, dehydrated and emotional for a reason she can’t fathom. She already knows by the way the sun is bright but not unbearably so that it’s the afternoon. Her back is slightly damp with sweat. She fluffs her shirt a little to air it out as she gets out of the bed and wanders downstairs into the kitchen. It's blissfully empty. She takes a moment to read the note from Chanyeol that’s hung on the freezer door by a magnet shaped like a pizza.

Morning, Sunshine. It’s bright and early Monday morning, so I have classes. Eat something and drink lots of water. I’ll be back around noon to check on you before going to another class and then I’m free for the rest of the day. See you then. -C :)

Hyun smiles and runs her fingers down the chicken scrawl she can barely recognize. 

After Hyun clears the plate of bacon and eggs left in the oven, she walks down the hall to the bathroom to brush her teeth. As the spearmint takes over her senses she can think a little more clearly. She takes a shower after and swipes a pair of Chanyeol’s boxers. She doesn’t have time to blush when she’s so focused on being clean. She scrapes together an entire outfit. Grey sweats, a red t-shirt she ties into a knot, her comfy boxers, and some white socks. It’s all too big. It feels nice, though. She feels swaddled in the best way possible. 

She finds her phone on the dresser in the bedroom, dismayed to discover she has missed calls in the tens. A large chunk is from her dad, a few are from an unknown number that Hyun has no doubt belongs to her mother, and surprisingly enough, one is from Mina. She probably called to get whatever it was Kyungsoo was talking about. As much as Mina may be itching to become ex-besties, and as much as Hyun tries her best not to be a burden on anyone, she can’t bring herself to call her back. She’d like to have a best friend for at least a few more days. Or until her plan to lay low is thwarted and she is forced to go back. 

She watches tv in the living until she hears the door unlocking in the afternoon, not noon exactly, but close enough. 

“You were pretty out of it last night,” is the first thing Chanyeol says when Hyun tackles him into a hug and he tells her to be careful, but he’s laughing when he says it. 

“Did you eat?” he asks.

“I did,” Hyun answers.

“Do you want to talk?” he asks.

“I don’t know.” Hyun shrugs. "Talk about what?"

"Well, we don't have to talk, but I need to hold you right now. School is kicking my ." Chanyeol walks over and collapses into the couch. He holds out his hands and makes grabby motions, beckoning her with a smile. Hyun walks over and sits, letting Chanyeol pull her into his lap. She wraps one arm around his shoulder and leans into him. She tries to be what they both need at the moment. 

"Actually, can we talk?" she asks hesitantly.

"Of course. How do you feel?"

"I don't know how I'm supposed to feel," Hyun admits.

"How do you actually feel?"

"I'm not sure of that either." Hyun shrugs again.

"How do you want to feel?" he asks.

That's easy. "Okay."

"I'll help you. Whatever you need. Just tell me and I'll do it. I don't know what you're feeling so I can't tell you it'll get better soon because I don't know that it will. You can tell me everything, though. Anything."

"Thank you." Hyun smiles.

"Of course."

Chanyeol is always warm. 

After an uneventful yet pleasant evening of pizza and movies (and Mark and Kuhn battling to the death in Wii Sports), Hyun crawls in next to Chanyeol and tries to sleep. Of course, Chanyeol knocks out first, his breath evening out and grip loosening. He must be exhausted. Hyun tries to follow right behind him. It doesn't help that the wood of the bedside drawer is buzzing. She grabs her phone off of it, surprised at the name that the screen is lit up with. She answers it apprehensively and presses the phone to her ear.

"Lala?" Mina's voice seems so loud in the quiet room. 

"Yeah?" Hyun whispers, scooting away from Chanyeol as not to wake him up.

"I'm sorry," they both happen to say simultaneously. Hyun would laugh if she weren't so anxious. 

"I was a jerk. You're not a control freak," Hyun says apologetically.

"It's cool, Lala. I know I'm bossy."

"No, you're amazing. I'm the selfish one who couldn't realize that sooner."

"Lahyun, you aren't selfish. You're just-"

"Inside of my own head too much?" Hyun snorts bitterly.

"A bit?"

"I know, Mini. And I'm sorry for going off on you like that. If you still want your stuff back, I get it."

"No, no. Keep everything. I'll do the same. You're still the cheese to my wine, okay?"

"Okay."

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

"Who said that?" Hyun already knows the answer.

"The old Chinese dude I want to model my life from." There's a laugh buried in Mina's voice.

"It's kinda pathetic that our fight barely lasted a day," Hyun whispers. "That means we're either really great friends or we're both spineless weenies. Which is it?"

"Both, I guess?" Mina giggles.

Hyun laughs loud enough to worry if she woke Chanyeol. A quick peek over her shoulder tells her that he's still in deep sleep. At least one of them will wake up rested the next morning. The two end up talking for another hour. One will apologize before the other tells them to stop and then apologize in place of the other. It goes in a cycle, with the addition of other things that make them laugh at each other and occasionally at themselves. It's so easy for Hyun to be herself with Mina. They have a sweet gig and she's happy that it isn't over just yet.

ᴅ ᴇ ғ ᴇ ᴄ ᴛ  ʀ ᴇ ᴊ ᴇ ᴄ ᴛ s

The next morning is better than she expected it to be. Hani is out of the house early. If Hyun were to go rummaging in her closet for something to wear, she'd probably say, 'it's all good, girl'. She's not confident enough for that, though. She just digs around in Chanyeol's closet for something and manages to scrape together a red jersey and sweatpants. She'll have to face reality soon. The prospect isn't appealing. It's going to happen, though. She just has to get her fill of enjoyment before it does. 

Hyun makes breakfast this time. She's had her fill of eggs and bacon. She makes french toast. Although she knows the bread is a little burnt and the egg mixture has way too much cinnamon, Chanyeol eats it anyway. He wolfs it down like this is his last meal before prison. She does feel bad, but he says he enjoys it so much that Hyun tricks herself into thinking he really does. He swipes some syrup across Hyun's cheek and she crinkles her nose. Chanyeol thinks it's the funniest thing in the world. 

Today, Mark lets her play around with his painting stuff. She hasn't realized she's been craving it until she's sitting in the den, hands, shirt, and wrists covered in watercolor while she's staring at her mother's face. She's done it again. Her Chanyeol portrait is still stuffed deep in her closet. When Mark asks if she's an original, Hyun just says she is. She might as well be. She doesn't really know this woman. The only mother she knows is still outlined in red and black shadows. This woman is a stranger to her.

The evening passes just fine. Hyun gets a call from Kyungsoo about there being news and her needing to come home the next day. She's not the happiest about it, but she agrees to him picking her up in the morning. Despite the thought of tomorrow, Hyun actually gets some sleep.

Kyungsoo is over so early in the morning that Hyun doesn't have time to shower. She just brushes her teeth, splashes water on her face, and meets Chanyeol at the front door. Hyun hugs Chanyeol one last time before she has to let go because of her thigh vibrating impatiently. Kyungsoo is outside. He’s a grump in the morning. 

“Are you sure you’re okay? I’m sure your family will understand if you need more time.”

Hyun appreciates the grip Chanyeol has on her waist, heavy and light at the same time, concerned. She smiles.

“Of course I’m not okay. I think it’ll be a while before I can say I am. I have to go, though. My, uh, parents are waiting for me. My brother and Mina, too. I don’t like to make people worry.” 

“If you have to.” Chanyeol steals a kiss on the cheek and sends her off. She's actually sad that she doesn't get to say goodbye to anyone else. She thinks she can hear birds chirping in the distance. The air is horribly muggy today.

“Hi.” Hyun hugs Kyungsoo immediately. 

“‘Hey, squirt.” He hugs back. “Are you ready?”

“As I’ll ever be. Let’s go.”

Hyun climbs in and buckles up. Kyungsoo goes over to the driver’s side and gets in. They ride in silence for two blocks. Hyun hasn’t seen her brother in three days and she can feel a change. Time weighs more heavily on her as she gets older. Seventeen going on eighteen is very different from ten. The silence lifts when they stop at a long red light. 

"I know this a dumb question, but, are you okay? I know everything is going on right now and stuff. I just mean, right now, are you okay to go home? Dad is bugging, but I could cover for you until the afternoon maybe. I could drop you at Mina's." Kyungsoo's grip is tight and nervous on the wheel. He has the luxury of turning his head to stare at Hyun for a few moments before casting his eyes back on the road. 

"I’m a big girl," Hyun replies simply, too simply apparently.

“You sure?” he pries. “I care too much about you to-”

“Are you trying to convince me not to come home or something? I’m really fine, big brother. You know, relatively.”

“You sure you’re sure?”

Hyun squints.

“Okay.” Kyungsoo laughs. “You’re fine.”

“Yes, I’m okay.”

"Do you want to stop somewhere while we’re out? We could get something to eat. Are you hungry? Did you eat yet? You know, it might be a good idea just to stop somewhere anyway.”

"Do you want to stop somewhere? Because you sound way more nervous than I’m feeling right now. I know what I signed up for, big brother."

"Right." Kyungsoo’s voice is sympathetic. "You’re the one who should be like this. Not me. I’m glad that you’re, well, you know, okay and all. Relatively, of course. Do you need anything from your big brother, at all?”

Hyun shakes her head indicating 'no', she's okay for the moment and would rather ride home in silence. Minutes wear on and the tension is thick. Hyun rolls down the window despite the cold winds blasting from the AC just so she can breathe in some of the stale, hot air. She tries to focus all of her attention on the pollen blowing in the warm wind and twirling pictures something pretty instead of letting the curiosity eat away at her thoughts.

Pulling up to the house is surreal enough. The long windows and red bricks are soaking in all of the sun they can, reflecting light in places Hyun has never noticed before. A black SUV is parked in the driveway and Kyungsoo pulls in behind it. He shuts off the engine.

Although pulling up is surreal enough, actually getting out makes Hyun feels like she’s stepping on air. She vaguely registers that there is a hand on her lower back. Kyungsoo. He’s talking to her and she should be paying attention. But the only things she can focus on are the nerves popping and crackling on the back of her neck and the anxiety kicking up a wild fuss in her stomach to the point where she can only be led like a cow to slaughter.

Kyungsoo unlocks the door. Hyun tells herself that this is her last chance to escape. A large part of her doesn’t understand why she doesn’t take it. A smaller part responds that it’s because she said she would do this. Keeping her word is one part of growing up and Hyun wants most of what has to do with being her own person. A desire to live her own life crept up on her sometime during the last month, gradually. At some point, the gradual pace had quickened and she woke up one morning with nothing else on her mind.

Keeping her word is one part of the process. Hyun doesn’t run. 

Like a dream, the door opens before her. Kyungsoo steps in and Hyun is right behind him. 

Who else is sitting on the couch but her mother, ever the apparition. The tv is on but she doesn’t seem to be watching it. She looks up at Hyun the second she has her shoes off. Maybe it’s reverse-gravity. It just looks like her mother rises not of own accord, but because the pressure on her body says it should be that way. Or, it could just be Hyun’s foggy mind playing tricks on her.

And then they’re hugging. It feels weird. It shouldn’t be like this. This is far too intimate to be a stranger, someone who just dropped into her life like a bomb and exploded, leaving her emotions in shambles.  Her dad appears at some point, looking occupied and serious. Hyun really hates this.

"We have to talk, pumpkin," he says. 

So Hyun sits on the couch with her mother, Kyungsoo between them. Her dad settles uncomfortably in his recliner. This feels so bizarre. This is her glaringly imperfect family. It should feel whole and happy. How many times has Hyun imagined that her mother came back? Dozens. Being one big, happy family has been her dream since Hyun can remember. Fortunately or unfortunately, Hyun stopped wishing for it. The longer she waited and the more she grew, the harder it became to hold onto her wish with a wistful smile and warm hope. After a while, she started to hate her mother for taking too long. A trip to the store to get some milk and being held up at a long red light could no more be used as an excuse. 

Now she just shows up with her moldy milk and a 'where's my medal for finally making it back?' attitude. 

Who does she think she is?

"We thought about it for a bit, pumpkin," her dad preambles. "Maybe going to a real school for your last year wouldn't be so bad. How does that sound?"

It sounds like raging anxiety and slamming lockers and endless people and people and more people and-

"Like, the one Mina goes to?" Kyungsoo nudges her shoulder with his. "And senior year of high school is super chill. Besides the insanity of college apps, it's real lowkey."

She nearly blacks out. How dare Kyungsoo not realize 'college' is her trigger word?

When she wants to rip out her list of reasons why sending Hyun to Real High School™ is a very not good idea, Hyun mistakenly looks at her dad. It's the gaze that burrows beneath her skin and roots itself stubbornly in her achingly aware conscious. Not once has her dad pressured Hyun into school. After being bullied and coming home scraped out, she tried homeschool for a year and it just stuck. It's always been that way. It hurts to admit it after so long, but maybe she is selfish. If Hyun going to Real High School™ will make her dad happier, would it be so terrible?

She knows it will be, but she finally gathers up the courage to nod.

"I guess it won't kill me." That's the best she can do. Hyun expects her dad to lighten up. She wouldn't mind seeing his smile. He doesn't relax, though. If anything, he tenses even more; which means school isn't what they're actually discussing here. The thought of there being anything worse sinks into Hyun's gut like stones in water. 

"Mina's school isn't in the district," her mother finally says. "I would not mind dropping you off and picking you up. But, the city has all these crazy rules and you living in the district is one they take very seriously for some reason. And it'd be easier for everyone if you were closer anyway."

Struggling to follow, Hyun shrugs and says, "So, we're moving?"

Her mother nods with a tight grin and motions to her and Hyun, alone. "Yeah, we are."

That's it. That's what this whole thing is really about. Hyun feels sick to her stomach. Not only is Real High School™ looming, but living with her mother in the city, alone, is looming as well. She almost bursts into tears of anger. She waltzes in here like ten odd years haven't gone by, and now she's trying to whisk her away from the family she loves. It feels so unreal that Hyun is frozen for a solid minute. Her brain can't process what her body is violently reacting to fast enough. When the two finally sync up Hyun is staring at her mother.

She's not ready for this. She'll never be. Hyun can't help but dread the near future. It's strange to think how a comfortable lie is sometimes preferred over the truth. Her mother is her comfortable lie. She lived believing that her mother was their common enemy. As long as she stayed far away they would live happily. Hyun realizes now that she wasn't living happily. She was barely living at all. So, her mother possibly isn't God's curse to humanity, but a gift sent to pop her sheltered bubble and allow reality to leak in.

And it does.

The reality is that her comfortable lie is staring her straight in the eyes and daring to be unveiled. This is like some bizarre family meeting; a sick parody of every sitcom ever. Her dad as the workaholic head, her brother as the estranged son, Hyun as the reclusive daughter without a proper place in the world, and her mother at the center as the runaway bride come back again to wreak whatever havoc she can before, what, fleeing? Will she leave again?

Cue the funky pop music and title sequence. 

It might not be as surprising a the first time, but it definitely will hurt twice as much. Hyun hadn't remembered much about her mother. Her nightmares were always a hollow echo of the apparition she once knew. Scary, but never real enough for her to place anything more than a shadow, a thin memory in black and white and red.

But, her disappearance a second time will burn deeper into Hyun than she thinks she'll be able to handle. According to her mother, the first time was a necessity. The second time will be a choice and a luxury. Hyun is tired of the lies and the leaving. If one more person leaves for whatever reason she is going to lose her mind with no hope left. Even if it's for her sanity which she has been holding onto whispers of for the last ten plus years, she forces a nod. It's all she can manage.

Sleep doesn't come easy for Hyun. It never has. She just lies on her bed staring up at the wall too livid to think about anything or anyone. It occurs to her when the afternoon drags the sun lower and sunlight isn't bathing her carpet in unbearable shine that she has people to call and talk to this stuff about now. People as in plural. More than one. She's too mad, though. Would she even be able to form words? Probably not.