Holding Back Ch.7

Summer wasn’t sure what to expect as she got ready to go to school, since for an entire week now Young Do has ignored her. Her argument with him made her feel confused and antsy. She even knocked on his door, but he didn’t answer. She was too afraid to text or call him.

The weekend was no different; she did not see Young Do or hear from him. She hoped they would run into each other, but it was as if he no longer existed.

She had a tough time focusing on anything as she thought of all the things she could have said so that she would still get her point across without angering him so much. She mentally scolded herself for bringing up Kim Tan in the conversation at all.

She put on her shoes and made her way out the door, looking around the hallway, still hopeful he would join her. He didn’t and though she felt disappointed again, she was not surprised. He needs time to process everything, give him time.

When she walked into class he was already there but did not acknowledge her presence when she sat down at her desk. She sighed, is this really how things are going to be now? She turned around anyway, “Choi Young Do—” but before she could say anything further he stood up with a blank expression and walked out of the classroom.

Summer put her head back in annoyance, “Fine. Whatever.” She said it to sound tough as people were watching their interaction, as always, but truthfully it bothered her more than she would like to confess.

oOoOoOoOo

Cha Eun Sang was sitting in her second class catching up on some reading; she was there earlier than anyone else, which she preferred as she felt at peace. Choi Young Do had been making her life hell for the past week, so this was a reprieve.

It was all too short as she felt a presence behind her when someone walked in—her instinct told her it wasn’t anyone good.

She then heard his voice and the hair on her skin stood straight. He was telling his lackeys to block the door, so no other students could come in, but Lee Bo Na argued her way in after him. Cha Eun Sang was watching them now, feeling apprehensive.

Choi Young Do made his way over to her and the look on his face told her he wasn’t here to talk. She was hoping he was here to ask about Summer’s whereabouts or something along those lines, but it was wishful thinking.

Lee Bo Na was also now standing next to her, which made her feel a bit better as she knew she had a kind heart despite her uncaring act. “Ya Choi Young Do, you’re not in our class, what are you doing here?” Lee Bo Na crossed her arms.

He smiled dangerously at her, “I am here to do a little experiment,” and with that statement he grabbed Cha Eun Sang’s bag off her desk and dumped its contents all over the floor before throwing the bag down too.

“Ya! Choi Young—”, but he cut Cha Eun Sang off as he then grabbed Lee Bo Na’s purse from her shoulder and spilled the contents on the floor as well, before throwing it down. Lee Bo Na looked at him in disbelief, which matched Eun Sang’s expression.

Why is he bullying Lee Bo Na now too? Eun Sang stood up to start picking her stuff up, but he grabbed her wrist roughly to stop her. Lee Bo Na tried to disengage him, “Choi Young Do what the hell are you doing?”

He motioned to the things on the floor, “How is she new money if she doesn’t spend money? Look at the difference.” He shook Cha Eun Sang’s arm forward, forcing her to get closer, “You see that? You are trying to deceive everyone.” He let go of her wrist, which she quickly brought against her chest, massaging it with her other hand from his hard grip.

Lee Bo Na felt anxious as she didn’t know what to do, but that didn’t stop her from speaking out, “Have you lost your mind? Don’t you have something better to do?” she exclaimed but he simply turned to look at her with a slick expression.

“Get lost Choi Young Do!” Cha Eun Sang spoke up, feeling she could no longer just stand there. He looked at her in wonder, “How are you so brave?” He his lips as her retaliation reminded him of Summer. He felt his stomach drop at that thought.

In that moment Chan Young pushed through the doorway, “What’s going on here?” He walked over to them, seeing everything on the floor. “Did you do this?” He looked at Young Do, but then sighed as he started helping Eun Sang pick up her stuff.

Lee Bo Na was staring at them now feeling jealous and hurt, “Ya! Chan Young help me first!” She kneeled down to start picking her stuff up too. Young Do snickered, “How come the new kids have so many knights in shining armor?”

His mind wandered to how Kim Tan protects Summer, “It makes me want to compete.” At that statement he walked out. No one understood what he meant by what he said, but most of the time everyone felt Young Do was cryptic.

Chan Young looked at Lee Bo Na and rubbed her arm lovingly, making sure she was not hurt. Lee Bo Na expected Chan Young to start helping her instead, but he went back to making sure Eun Sang was okay.

Chan Young always felt he owed his life to Cha Eun Sang. She protected him when they were kids, as he was the victim of bullying for many years. He vowed to himself that he would take care of her the way she did for him.

Cha Eun Sang motioned towards Lee Bo Na, “Gwaenchanayo, you should help Lee Bo Na”. Chan Young smiled at her and started helping Lee Bo Na pick up her things, but she huffed at him and after picking up her last item stood straight up.

“Ani Chan Young! I’m not talking to you right now, clearly you don’t care about me!” She put on a frown and pushed her way out of the classroom as others started trickling in. Chan Young breathed heavily, “What am I to do with her?” He shook his head and gave a glance to Eun Sang signaling if she needed him to let him know.

He followed after Lee Bo Na who was already further down the hallway, he felt this time he may have really upset her and his heart ached. Mianhe Bo Na, don’t be too upset at me. He quickened his pace hoping to catch up with her.

oOoOoOoOo

Young Do found himself wandering outside after lunch; he felt restless and he knew why. But with every thought of her, his face tightened and he willed himself to stop thinking. He stopped on the overpass and leaned his arms against the edge.

He decided on people watching as the students walked around him and down below, chatting, laughing, some quickly trying to make their way to the next class. He imagined himself walking with Kim Tan as he did when they were younger.

Pranking each other, talking about girls, talking about the harshness of their world and their cruel parents. He laughed slightly at the memories, but quickly replaced his expression with a grimace. I would like to get to know you if you let me…

Her words kept repeating in his mind and he felt like it physically hurt him to try to stop them. He put his hand to his chest, feeling an unfamiliar sensation. Perhaps I’m sick? I must have eaten something weird. He blamed his state on indigestion, though somewhere in the recesses of his mind he knew better.

He was pulled back from his thoughts when he noticed Summer walking with Cha Eun Sang below him, they looked deep in conversation. He gripped the railing with both hands, keeping himself balanced.

He noticed how Summer was nodding to her in understanding and how her eyes seemed forlorn. What is Cha Eun Sang telling her? He squinted trying to hear their conversation. In that moment Kim Tan ran up to Cha Eun Sang and grabbed her hair-tie releasing her pony-tail before running past her.

Cha Eun Sang stopped walking and looked shocked while Summer started laughing, her eyes automatically looked lighter, more like the color he remembered. Young Do found the edges of his mouth curving into a smile.

“You guys are so cute!” Summer shouted out of delight, while Eun Sang began to blush and tried to hush her while looking around frantically. Summer looked up at the overpass suddenly, feeling a hunch. She locked eyes with Young Do who was still staring at her.

Cha Eun Sang looked up at him too, and quickly grabbed Summer’s hand to drag her away. Summer’s eyes did not budge as she craned her neck to keep him in her periphery. She was trying to understand his expression.

He was ignoring her, and yet here he was watching her intently. I really don’t understand him…She shook her head and turned to face the direction they were walking. Eun Sang looked spooked again, hoping he would not follow them. He did not.

Young Do felt a wave of dizziness as he swallowed hard and turned around to walk in the opposite direction. He forgot what he was doing there, forgot where he needed to go, forgot how to breathe. He inhaled sharply and pushed a person out of his way as he walked faster, before his feet could betray him and decide to turn around.

oOoOoOoOo

Young Do decided to work on his motorcycle to keep himself out of the hotel. He visited his favorite bike auto center after changing clothes and eating ramen. The mechanics who worked there knew him by name and always admired his expensive taste.

While he was busy talking to someone about how to make his bike faster, though that wasn’t quite legal, a food delivery arrived. It was a chicken delivery and he was happy to see that he recognized the delivery girl. A plan was already forming in his mind.

Cha Eun Sang delivered the food and ran back out quickly after they paid, not noticing that Choi Young Do was there and was watching her. Shortly after she delivered the first order another one came in for the same place.

She made her way back with a fresh batch of chicken but was annoyed to find out that none of the mechanics there made the order. She took out her personal phone and called the number provided with the delivery confirmation.

“Annyeonghaseyo, I have your delivery, where are you?”

“Right behind you”

At the sound of his voice her heart hit her chest—she couldn’t believe it was him even as she was turning around. Her eyes widened and the terror on her face was apparent, it was as if she saw a ghost, or a killer. Omo…Ani…

Young Do walked over to her hanging up, “Chicken?” He smiled, but the guise he held resembled malice. “Komawo, I’m really hungry,” he accented the ‘really’ and snatched the food from her hand. He then carelessly dropped the payment on the floor in front of her.

Cha Eun Sang felt herself swallow her pride as she bent down to pick up the money. A part of her wanted to slap his smug face, but the smarter side of her knew it would only make matters worse. This guy really is the worst.

Young Do watched her, feeling proud that his plan was executed so perfectly, “Never had to pay someone for their number before.” He laughed at his own assertion as it dawned on her that he now has her phone number.

Cha Eun Sang’s face turned into a look of despair as she pushed past him, deciding that if she didn’t leave now she may not make it out alive. She knew Summer was still worried about him, but after seeing his behavior and feeling his presence she could not understand what Summer saw in him.

He just wants to make everyone around him miserable.

Eun Sang quickened her pace but before she made it out the door she heard him say something that made her stop in her tracks—

“You try so hard to make everyone think you’re new money and yet here you are working as a delivery girl. Ahh why is that?” He raised his eyebrows at her, “I think you have more to hide.”

Young Do turned his head to the side and made a noise with the back of his throat, “Well at least you’ll keep me busy,” and with that he walked past her and out the door. She remained frozen for a few seconds, registering what he said.

She never wanted this sort of attention, she never wanted people to think she was new money and yet here she was teetering on the edge of rich and poor.  

oOoOoOoOo

Summer heard from Cha Eun Sang a few days later about what happened at the motorcycle shop. She smiled weakly at her, trying to feign confidence when she told Eun Sang that Young Do wasn’t actually going to do anything.

She didn’t feel so sure anymore as she heard about the awful things he did for the past week and a half. Oddly enough whenever she showed up to the scene he just left. She really felt he was turning into a ghost, haunting the people around her.

Summer left her suite to go see a movie with Kim Tan when she ran into Young Do, who was on his way back. She immediately stopped in the hallway, wanting to talk to him. She decided to act bold and stood in front of his door blocking it with her arms.

“You can’t go in until you talk to me,” she bit her lip, hoping this would work. She looked up at his face as he approached her; he was solemn and looked sweaty. He had his gym clothes on and, surprisingly, his hair remained perfectly gelled.

He stopped in front of her and put a hand next to her head on his door, forcing her to lean back against it. He stared at her eyes, but his face didn’t change. Summer breathed slowly as she didn’t know what to expect. She hadn’t been this close to him in a long time.

“Why won’t you get it through your head that I don’t want you around me?”

He spoke abruptly, startling her.

She heard his words, but his body language was begging her to stay. She was aware in that brief moment that the words he was saying was like a crack in a window. Something was trying to escape from his lips.  

“Because you’re lying”—and with that she pushed off the door and hugged him. Her arms squeezed around his torso, her face pressed against his chest. She didn’t care that he was sweaty, in fact she enjoyed it.

She mumbled something further but it was lost in the folds of his clothes.

Young Do’s eyes widened at the sudden touch and he stood frozen with his hand still propped up against the door. He lost his unemotional demeanor as his eyes turned red at the rim. He was forcing back tears he didn’t know he had.

She continued to hold him, but with every second he was afraid she would notice his feeble state. He wanted to hold her, his body ached with how much he wanted to, but his mind besieged him.

A memory of his father telling him to never let a woman make him feel weak. He didn’t know what this was, but he couldn’t define it any other way. He was almost crying. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. He was so terrified that if he hugged her back he would never let go.

And what would that mean?

At that thought he quickly pulled her off and couldn’t bare to look at her face as he moved her aside and went into his suite shutting the door behind him. He left her out in the hallway.

He leaned back against the door and slid down till he was on the floor. He couldn’t stand any longer. He put his face into his hands and let the tears flow silently. He couldn’t understand why he was crying.

Men don’t cry, stop being so pathetic.

His father’s words echoed in his mind from when he was a child. He air in and forced himself to stop. He put a hand to his mouth as he looked straight ahead at his empty apartment. It was always empty. In that moment he felt more alone than ever.

Because he knew now what it might be like to have someone.

Summer stood in the hallway for a few more minutes as tears streamed down her face. He rejected her. He couldn’t even hug her back. Couldn’t even look at her.

Her hands shook as she took out her cellphone and began to walk towards the elevator. She needed to get away from here, away from him. Kim Tan was waiting for her and she began to prepare herself mentally to hide all her emotions.

Nothing happened. You need to let him go. You can’t help him.

She repeated the words as the elevator began to move.

oOoOoOoOo

Young Do took a long shower and put on a fresh pair of clothes. His body still ached and he had a headache from how strongly he was concentrating on not thinking about anything.

Does she really make me feel weak, or is this something else?

He was trying to block the continuous regret and guilt that gnawed at him for leaving Summer in the hallway.

During his shower he kept asking himself the same questions.

Why am I doing this?

Why am I ignoring her?

Why couldn’t I just hug her back?

He noticed how his mind was at war when it came to Summer.

He needed a distraction and the perfect idea sprung in to rescue him from self-annihilation.

He decided to make a few calls. First was Moon Joon Young. Second was Cha Eun Sang.

“Come over and eat ramen with me”.

“M-wo? Definitely not,” Eun Sang only answered the phone out of fear.

“If you don’t I am going to sue Joon Young for hitting me.”

“You wouldn’t!” Eun Sang felt overcome with worry.

She looked up from her phone just as Joon Young approached her desk at the library. They were both studying there in separate corners of the room when he received a call from Young Do only a few minutes before. He looked like he was about to cry as he begged her to go.

Cha Eun Sang gulped as she knew that he wouldn’t hesitate to do it. If this was the only chance she could stop him from destroying Joon Young’s life, how could she not?

“Kurae…I’ll come over.” She said it with no emotion as all life left her body. She began to get her things, knowing this was a death sentence. She also decided to text Summer to let her know what was going on just in case she needed to be saved. She knew Summer would be close-by.

“See you soon,” he hung up.

AUTHORS NOTE: I realized it is not about the length of the chapter, but about the content—and sometimes it is fun to leave the readers wanting more 😊 Thanks CalJones for your amazing advice and editing skills! I hope you all enjoyed this emotional ride into Young Do’s inner turmoil.