Smile; the top tier act of hiding pains.



Drifted away just as usual, but this time I'll keep my distance. Maybe its time for me to stop all these. I know it will be hurt but I'm sure its just for a moment. Go along the vein not across they said, I wonder if that will work. Here I am, wondering, will anybody care, will anybody sad, will anybody cry for me when I land on that cold concrete floor? Or maybe they will just shrug it off? Who knows.. At this present time, I often feel the urge to jump everytime I'm on the edge. Will it worth it? At least this loneliness will end, right? But isnt it lonely too in the ground 7ft under? Should I stay or..

Wait, what? There are peoples who loves me? Where are they? Let me break their necks for not showing it to me? All these time I'm the ONLY one care for them, I often asked how are they doing, did they eat well, did they need any help or wanna share some problems.. but I dont remember they asking me all that! Bet Im not worth their time. I always wondering if my existence just for a show, a mere decoration of someone else life. Yes, you can see I'm not alright. You keep pouring salt into my open wound.

I clearly remember that one time when I smiled to someone, she just kept her stoic face to me, but when someone else smile to her, she gave her best smile to them. This happened to me all the time not just her, in fact, everyone did the same. See I'm not even worth a smile.

Angry, pissed, mad, raged,name it. I keep it well inside me. Its like a ticking time bomb. It will explode soon enough. Being the good-hearted me again, I wont hurt others. Let me endure this pain alone.

Time will heal they said, for them yes, but for me it wont. It keep ripping the wound, I cant stop the bleeding. Well, it will stop eventually when theres no more blood, right?

In these past few weeks, I tried to give some good impression to people around me. In fact, I'm just trying to squeeze into their memories, for I wont stay long.

Dont ask me why I became like this. Ask yourself why did you pushed me away. Now, I'm right on the edge, wont you push me away too, like always?

It this a 'note'? You can assume that, but I suggest you ask first. Well, if I am still around, that is.

2018.

So, Im a bit hurt and sad, bcoz on my birthday this year, i didnt received any birthday wish, no texts, no phone calls, my phone had given me a silent treatment. Although some did wish me a happy birthday but not before I gave them some hints. Well, couldnt argue about that tho.. I know Im their least favourite. For them it might be not a big deal, but for me it is. I know Im a bit selfish, sorry for that. Sorry for trying to squeeze myself into your life, i just want to be a little part of your memories. I hope it wont be the same next year.