A/N

This chapter is a little different and I am quite afraid to post it. Though knowing how lovely you all are makes it easier.
I couldn't include more quotes despite wanting to, simply because it got crazy long and I didn't have time to spend on re-reading books.
Thank you for reading and go easy on me. This is a very new way for me to tell a story. I would advise you to keep your eyes open for the dates to completely understand the story I try to tell.

August 20^th ,1989

Taemin has consumed three bowls of vanilla ice cream today. He has never eaten vanilla ice cream before.

Wednesday, August 22^nd ,1989

Taemin has helped a woman carry her stuff. The woman was very thankful and asked if they could meet for dinner sometime. Taemin refused and walked home with me instead. I don’t know why he didn’t take the offer. He likes meeting new people.

Friday, August 24^th ,1989

Taemin likes to be touched on his waist, his body shudders when I caress the skin in this area.

Saturday, August 25^th ,1989

Taemin’s hair stood up this morning, he said he didn’t like it when his hair stands up in the morning. I like it.

Monday, August 27^th ,1989

Taemin visited the library and borrowed the following three books:

Mrs Dalloway (ia Woolf, 1925)           
Great Expectations (Charles Dickens, 1861)  
Jane Eyre (Charlotte Brontë, 1847)

I am glad he is finally reading Jane Eyre. In fact, I have been holding back a quote for a long time… Maybe I will give it to him after he finished reading the book.

He also told me he wanted to meet for dinner, but I didn’t want to, so he left without talking to me.

Wednesday, August 29^th ,1989

Taemin called me in the evening to apologize for his behaviour the past days. I don’t understand what he did wrong, but he kept saying he was sorry.

Friday, August 31^st ,1989

Taemin put his legs around my waist without announcing it. When I asked why, he said that I could penetrate deeper that way. I was uncomfortable but didn’t say anything because he told me to keep going.

Saturday, September 1^st ,1989

Taemin apologized when I told him I didn’t like his legs around me. He made breakfast as a gesture of apology. I understood that he was sincere, but I know that he often acts on instinct, so I made him promise not to do it again.

Monday, September 3^rd ,1989

Taemin didn’t like the movie he watched in the cinema with Woosung. He said it was gruesome and that I shouldn’t watch it. For future reference: The name of the movie is: Aje Aje Bara Aje.

I was getting tired and didn’t follow as he was talking about his friend.

Wednesday, September 5^th ,1989

I didn’t register anything Taemin said. My mind is full of thoughts.

Friday, September 6^th ,1989

We didn’t have .

Saturday, September 7^th ,1989

…

Monday, September 9^th ,1989

Taemin added a note to my Caffé Latte.

---- How are you doing Minho? It has been a while since you have last talked to me. Can I do anything to make you feel better? ----

I didn’t know what to answer so I didn’t.

Wednesday, September 11^th ,1989

Taemin read the note I prepared und smiled for the first time in a week. I don’t know why, I didn’t make any jokes.     
Taemin said it is alright if we only kiss on Friday.

Friday, September 13^th ,1989

Taemin held his promise. We kissed and kept our clothes on. When I asked why, Taemin answered: “I don’t want you to feel pressured” which is strange because there was no pressure.

Saturday, September 14^th ,1989

Taemin kissed me when he woke up. His mouth tasted really bad, so I sent him to brush his teeth. He didn’t want to kiss me when he returned. It doesn’t make sense.

Monday, September 16^th ,1989

Taemin said he liked the poem I gave to him. I don’t think he understood what it really meant as he kept talking about how it reminded him of a place he once visited where the river flew into the ocean. Taemin probably only read the first few lines. Or I overestimated his skills to decipher poems. Maybe I am giving him too much credit.

Wednesday, September 18^th ,1989

Taemin told me he wanted me to meet Woosung while he was still in town. I don’t want to meet him. When I told him no, he said I should think about it overnight.

Friday, September 20^th ,1989

Taemin said I did very well today. I seem to be improving steadily. The novels are helping.

Saturday, September 21^st ,1989

Taemin woke up first. He had offered to bring Woosung to the train station to see him off. Taemin asked me again if I wanted to go with him to meet Woosung. I didn’t want to so he left without me.

Monday, September 22^nd ,1989

Taemin likes the smell of falling leaves. He wants to take a walk in the forest. We are planning to go on Wednesday. I hope I can make it.

Wednesday, September 24^th ,1989

I was uncomfortable the whole day, but I was able to go to the forest. I got to know that Taemin doesn’t know how to differentiate trees.

Friday, September 26^th ,1989

Taemin’s didn’t get as hard as usual. I am sure I did something wrong but Taemin said it wasn’t my fault. I am confused why he is lying to me.

Saturday, September 27^th ,1989

Taemin told me to leave his house early because he must finish a paper. I still think I did something wrong.

Monday, September 29^th ,1989

Taemin couldn’t meet me today. Maybe he is still angry that he didn’t get to .

Wednesday, October 1^st ,1989

Taemin didn’t speak much today. His movements were slow, and his skin looked pale. I couldn’t speak as my mind was full of thoughts, trying to find out what was wrong with him.

Friday, October 3^rd ,1989

Taemin jerked me off. His hands move slower than usually, but he is getting better at finding my sensitive spots.

Saturday, October 4^th ,1989

Taemin didn’t get up at all. He was tired. I went home to find more quotes for him.

Monday, October 6^th ,1989

Taemin handed in his paper and fell asleep on the table in the coffeeshop. He is using a new shampoo – his hair smelled like vanilla. Lately he has liked the taste and smell of vanilla. I told him to quit using the shampoo because the smell is making my head hurt.

Wednesday, October 8^th ,1989

Taemin told me stories about his childhood. He used to spend a lot of time with the children from his neighbourhood. He said they weren’t a good influence, especially when they entered middle school. I don’t think they were bad because Taemin turned out to be a great man.

Friday, October 10^th ,1989

After having , Taemin asked if he can visit my room to see how I arrange my books. Then he kissed me without a plan. It wasn’t uncomfortable and he liked it, so I held back my comment about his hair that still smelled like vanilla. Then I was allowed to tell him all about my sorting system.

Saturday, October 11^th ,1989

Taemin said he will visit my room on Monday. He is very excited about it and I can understand it. My sorting system is amazing.

Taemin hadn’t spoken a word while reading the entries, taking in everything that Minho had written down over the past two months. It was eye-opening to have an insight into the autistic male’s mind, his thoughts, and the way the older perceived him.

“It wasn’t because I didn’t get off that day.” Taemin explained, pointing at the entry about him being distant to make sure Minho didn’t misunderstand. “I was really stressed and not in the mood at all. I should have told you that I didn’t want to have , but you were so into it, I couldn’t just deny you.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.” Minho said, staring at the cups of tea in his hands

“Why?”

“ is something both people should enjoy. If you don’t want to do it just tell me. I cannot read your signs well. You have to tell me.” The taller explained and Taemin sighed.

“I will from now on.” Taemin said, skipping back a few pages, pointing at a passage: “You say I misunderstood the poem you gave me?”

“Yes. You didn’t understand anything.”

“How”

“You can read it again. I can’t tell you the meaning, you have to read it yourself – but read it not as it is, read the meaning behind the words.”

“Is the poem also in this notebook?” Taemin asked and Minho nodded.

“Turn it around.”

Taemin did as he was told, not sure if he should offer to take his tea or if he should let Minho hold it for a little longer. He figured it was probably best to leave it with Minho to reduce the risk of him spilling tea on the notebook.

When he opened it from the back, he immediately recognised the poem that filled the first page:

“Love’s Philosophy” - Percy Bysshe Shelley

The fountains mingle with the river

And the rivers with the ocean,

The winds of heaven mix for ever

With a sweet emotion;

Nothing in the world is single;

All things by a law divine

In one spirit meet and mingle.

Why not I with thine?—

See the mountains kiss high heaven

And the waves clasp one another;

No sister-flower would be forgiven

If it disdained its brother;

And the sunlight clasps the earth

And the moonbeams kiss the sea:

What is all this sweet work worth

If thou kiss not me?

• I believe this poem to be quite easy to understand so I am expecting Taemin to understand even though he isn’t familiar with poems.
  I have been alone my whole life. There have been mountains in my life, but I am not the sky. There have been flowers, but I am not their disdained brother. I see myself as the sea, wrapped in overwhelmingly bright light of the life I cannot be part of. The sea wrapped in darkness as I flee from the day. Until one night, he came to light up my darkness, the softness of the moonbeams kissing I, who has been on my own ever since my first morning broke.  I hope he can understand that he is the second part to me, my pair that finally made me believe that nothing in the world is supposed to be single.

Taemin’s eyes started watering as he read the note Minho had added after the poem. He didn’t know what to say, he kept reading it over and over, returning to the poem that he had simply associated with the one trip he made in high school. He should have known better when he had been given the piece of paper that held this poem. Minho wouldn’t give him anything to make him remember his trips. There was always more behind the notes he wrote for him. There was so much more to Minho’s mind than he could ever understand.

Reading the reasons, the explanations Minho had kept for himself made him regret not reading it seriously. He was ashamed of himself to go over it without seeing the depth and the thought process that went into choosing this poem. If he was honest, he barely even remembered getting it despite it being only a month since. So many things were happening with many deadlines approaching and the visit of Woosung who stayed in town for a few days. His life was full of events, to an extent that makes him forget that Minho’s days were almost always identical.

Taemin was aware that this was what Minho liked but he wasn’t aware what that meant for small gestures, small mistakes he made when interacting with the autistic man. The older remembered everything. Every detail about him and his actions. To an extent that he even wrote them down to not forget.

Minho wasn’t saying anything, instead he just walked back and forth, holding the tea as steadily as he could. Taemin knew that asking Minho about anything now wouldn’t really get him any answers. The answers, he most likely found within this notebook. Leaving the autistic male to pace around the room as he was thinking about something Taemin didn’t know, he sat down on the chair turning a page only to find a very familiar quote.

He had received it when he had asked Minho to meet Woosung.  

“We were people who were not in the papers. We lived in blank white spaces at the edge of the print. It gave us more freedom. We lived in the gaps between the stories”

– Margaret Atwood in The Handmaid’s Tale.

• Taemin wants me to meet his friend but I don’t like the idea of it. The freedom of choice is mine as I haven’t entered the narrative of their friendship And I do not want to. I am enjoying the stories Taemin tells me, but to suddenly be part of what I believe to be the stories of life – I would rather not. I want to stay between them, observing from afar without being involved in the complex arrangements people make to give their days meaning.  I don’t know how to make Taemin understand.

This quote was followed by one more that Taemin was familiar with, a quote from “City of Glass” by Cassandra Clare. Despite him knowing it well, the notes below it made him see the words he had deemed romantic to be a lot deeper than he expected. It was hard to understand how Minho’s mind worked –  he had never believed he could ever master it – but to see how Minho is struggling with his self-worth written in black on white made him tear up once more, not because he was touched by the words though that also played its part – it pained him to see someone as amazing as Choi Minho doubting himself.

Little did he know that there were more. Quotes he had never seen before. Quotes he wasn’t sure if they were ready for him to read. But Minho had been the one telling him to read. So Taemin continued, the lump in his throat growing with each line of a thoroughly thought through quote. They followed each other without breaks, Taemin wondering if they would ever officially be given to him.

“You could have had anything else in the world and you asked for me.”

 – Cassandra Clare in City of Glass

• I have often wondered why Taemin has chosen me. I don’t have anything to give him. Though he denies it, I believe he is a fool for staying with me. And the most foolish thing about this situation is that I desire nothing more than for him to never change his mind. The world is big, the world has so much to offer. I want him to see all of it – so why do I not want to let him go? Maybe, one day, I will ask him why he chose me.

“If it is true that there are as many minds as there are heads, then there are as many kinds of love as there are hearts.”

– Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

• Taemin had told me many times that he is worried about our love. If it was love, If it was convenience or curiosity. I still believe it is foolish to assume that love sits in the heart because scientifically speaking it is a simulation of the brain, a change in chemicals and hormones that make people experience love. This quote might make Taemin understand that we don’t have to follow the rules set by society of what love is or who can be in love. As good as I can, I try to love him because I know he loves me. He tells me every week and I see signs I have read about, them telling me that he values me greatly, and though I cannot understand how he could have chosen me, I don’t wish for anything else. To me, love isn’t graspable. I don’t feel the butterflies in my stomach neurotypicals talk about. My heart doesn’t speed up when I see him, but I know I want to spend the rest of my life by his side.

“You are the friend whom my soul is attached as to its better half. You are dearer to me than language has the power of telling”

– Frances Burney in Evelina

• “For I have never been with anyone before, I lack the skill to put what I am experiencing into words” That is what I thought when I first met Taemin. Now, it has been more than five years and I am still incapable of form sentences that reflect what I am thinking. The reason for it has been unclear for many months. I have found myself wondering if it was only me who couldn’t phrase it – if I wasn’t articulate enough - or if it was something everyone experiences. This quote opened my eyes, telling me that it is highly possible to lose words when confronted with someone dear. I want to show Taemin that even if I don’t tell him I love him, it is because the words needed for me to express my thoughts have not yet been created – some of them might never be.

“I ask you to pass through life at my side – to be my second self, and best earthly companion”

– Charlotte Brontë in Jane Eyre

• They say it is never the right time to tell a person they want them to never leave their side. Most stories end in tragedies: people’s feelings change, people’s lives change. Something that fits at one point in their lives won’t fit in the next. As for me I have never understood the fleetingness of emotions.  When I found interest in something, I stayed interested in it to this day. I don’t see myself parting ways with someone I have let close to me. But other people do. I remember one child who approached me in school. The girl’s name was Sangwoo. she was talking to me, playing with me, and left me just as fast when I had just opened up to her.  She said it was because of the other children at school, that she didn’t want to be seen with me. Back then I couldn’t understand.
  Having learned about society and its constructs I can now understand why she didn’t want to be with me. Life changes for people and at one point a person who had been welcome suddenly feels out of place.         
  I won’t give this quote to Taemin, but I don’t want to forget about it. I cannot change easily; I cannot keep up with his development. I don’t want to be the one holding him back.