~A flood of loneliness In the rain rain rain

Downpour

 

 

190702


 

 

It’s not that Joohyun has never had a friend. On the contrary, she’s always been a little bit of a social butterfly. From early years, her presence has drawn significant attention wherever she went and it was sufficient to say that her poised, if not initially a little reserved, demeanour has earned her the adoration of those around her. There have been few moments in her life where she was alone – she didn’t need to as much as move a finger for others to approach her on their own accord. It had been comfortable.

It had been. Up until she realised that the major part of the reason for such treatment was that she fit into their fantasy of her. People felt fascinated by her because they had an askew idea of her and her life as being an ideal to which one should aspire. Everyone – even some that she considered close friends – ended up envying her and putting her on a pedestal, instead of seeing her for what she really was. Which is-

‘-a bit of a stiffy, aren’t you?’

‘I beg your pardon?’ Catching the last part of the sentence, Joohyun turns to Seungwan in bewilderment. She’s been lost in thought despite the violent action scene happening right in front of her eyes on the screen.

Seungwan chuckles.

‘Look at yourself. Lean back, relax. You had no problem barging in here before and boss me around so why are you sitting there like you’re ready to flee any moment now? I can change the DVD if you’re not into this.’

‘I suppose… I’m just not used to this.’

‘You mean, me?’ The younger sips her beer, regarding the other for a while but her attention almost immediately slips back to Total Recall.

‘This,’ Joohyun only repeats. She really means exactly that.

The thing is, pedestals tend to be tall and rather small. One can easily fall off, which is what seems to have happened to Joohyun. The moment she stopped resembling the embodiment of everything that her family and friends wanted her to be, the perfect image irrevocably cracked. Most were unaware of the reasons for her divorce but just the divorce alone was enough for most to think that Joohyun has lost her mind.

Suddenly, she wasn’t as welcome in certain circles, her presence conditioned almost exclusively by her marital status. And those were just the acquaintances whom Joohyun used to see in professional surroundings. More painful was the distance that was suddenly put between her and some older friends who felt that they needed to express their loyalty to one party and they ultimately chose Junmyeon’s side.

Heck, just last week her own mother tried to ambush her with a ‘family dinner,’ completely disregarding the fact that Junmyeon was no longer part of their family and such gatherings were just plain uncomfortable and uncalled for.

This only really left Joohyun with Yongsun. They had worked together for a long time and got along great but recently – and unsurprisingly so – Yongsun’s pregnancy has been taking up more and more of her time and the fun things like going for a drink or away for the weekend were either too exhausting or simply impossible for her.

Divorced and truly alone for the first time in her life, Bae Joohyun has no choice but to face the music whether she wants it or not. She’s scared. She’s buried that thought as deeply as she can but she’s scared. Not that she’s made the wrong choice because the daily game of pretence that she played with Junmyeon had been truly eating her up inside. Rather, she’s scared that he could have been the only one to be there for her no matter what. Her mother has always said that love was temporary but devotion and loyalty stayed and were a real foundation to build your life on. Joohyun didn’t think so but now she isn’t so sure anymore.

Is she ever going to feel real passion for anyone?

‘Have you ever been in a relationship?’ She asks out of the blue just as Arnold Schwarzenegger sets to blow up another building.

‘What kind of question is that?!’ Seungwan replies, indignant. She immediately turns red. ‘I know you don’t think much of my romancing skills but-‘

‘I want to be in a relationship, Seungwan.’ There is more finality to Joohyun’s voice. She takes another sip from her glass, in passing congratulating herself on the choice of today’s wine.

‘I think we’ve established that much,’ Seungwan mutters under her breath. She relaxes back into her cushions. ‘You’ve made it quite clear, you know.’

‘I just…’ Joohyun hesitates. She wants to say it all but something stops her. She’s not used to such honesty and ultimately, Seungwan is not by a long shot somebody that Joohyun knows intimately. ‘It gets lonely in my flat,’ she admits. A little lamely, if she has to say so herself. The concept of loneliness merely grazes the surface of the real problem but it is as much as Joohyun can articulate. It’s confusing, even for her.

Seungwan turns to her again, as if this time really seeing Joohyun, which in turn makes the older woman inadvertently squirm. She’s afraid that Seungwan might actually see more than Joohyun is willing to let her.

‘I’ve only had one girlfriend since I came out. She wasn’t out so it was both the best and the worst time of my life. All my friends disliked her immensely.’ The attempt at a joke is weak and self-depreciative.

‘Even Seulgi..?’ Joohyun questions, trying to lighten up the atmosphere.

‘Oh yeah.’ Seungwan’s eyes crinkle in a smile. ‘She doesn’t look like she’d be capable of hatred, does she.’ Joohyun cannot help but concur. ‘She never said a word but she did avoid that girl for a while, especially after she got together with Jongdae and had a place to escape to from our flat. She was right, though. They all were, I just couldn’t see it.’

‘When was that?’ Joohyun continues her questions, not bothered by Seungwan’s possible discomfort. She knows full well that the younger will never let her probe further than it’s appropriate simply out of politeness.  They have established this dynamic between pretty much right from the start.

‘We broke up over two years ago. One night she crossed the line during one of our gatherings. It was Jongdae and Seulgi who told her to get out and not come back.’

‘And she didn’t?’

‘She didn’t,’ Seungwan confirms. ‘I was pretty annoyed with them, especially Jongdae. We hadn’t known each other that well at the time and there he was, telling me what to do with my love life. He just said, don’t contact her for a week and see what happens. See who is really dependant on whom in this relationship.’ She sighs. ‘She didn’t contact me, at all. We never really got any closure either, but it’s probably for the best now. You know, it’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship. But-‘ She hesitates.

‘It’s hard to trust people,’ Joohyun supplies.

‘You have no idea.’ Seungwan nods and Joohyun feels that there is more to that statement than just a broken heart but she lets it be.

‘Jongdae’s quite protective of you as well, despite the constant banter,’ Joohyun observes with a smile, steering the conversation to lighter topics. Seungwan snorts.

‘He’s smart. He knows exactly that Seulgi and I come in a package, and he’s so whipped over her, I don’t know what he’d do if they’d suddenly have to part ways.’

Soon after, Seungwan goes to check up on her sick friend and when she doesn’t return for some time, Joohyun stands up as well, ultimately finding the younger with her hand splayed over the wet compress on Seulgi’s forehead and face planted directly in the cover. She seems to have wanted to make sure that some of the dampness cooled down the rosiness of Seulgi’s complexion but fell asleep, unable to take the idleness and the fatigue of the day.

Joohyun quietly chuckles at the sight. The evening went far more pleasantly than whatever would have gone down in the night club, that’s for sure.

 

 

 

 

Kim Sejeong leaves the flat, making sure that she locked the door properly. It’s a habit, even though there is nothing of real value in there, worthy of anyone’s time. But it’s a habit; she’s not afraid of what she might lose but rather, what other people might do to her if she doesn’t check that lock.

Her mother has left for work earlier in the morning, she works in a department store and retail waits for no one. It’s a Sunday but Sejeong cannot bring herself to stay inside, she’s restless. There is still so much to catch up on with her university modules so she decides to head for the library. She barely passed last semester, she has to honestly admit that, though not for the lack of effort. Simultaneous full-time work and study is oftentimes hard to balance and her case is not an exception. 

All the people that she might have known from her courses have already graduated so she’s not surprised that she doesn’t know anyone around. She only has two more modules let to do anyway, she’ll try to stay focused until the end.

She takes no. 115 when it finally arrives at the bus stop a few minutes after ten o’clock. The ride is not too long, about twenty five minutes or so. There is no traffic. Everyone must be elsewhere, enjoying the good weather or in general taking advantage of the weekend. Having then got off at the bus stop closest to the university, Sejeong continues her mindless journey, thinking about all the other problems that just can’t seem to stop piling up. Has she paid the bills for this month? Yes, she fortunately has. The rest of her stroll is on auto-pilot, passing by stationary shops, karaoke rooms with music playing too loudly and that little book shop that has been there for what seems like ages.

Sejeong finally stops in front of the library, clutching her backpack with almost unnecessary force and starts going through all the things inside once again, just in case. Keys, phone. Wallet. Nothing is missing from her wallet, her mother’s debit cards are still there, thank god.

Her mother is now doing well but she’s been well before and then slipped. Sejeong can’t afford to relax, not anymore. She knows that her mother can sense her distrust but it cannot be helped. Not after what happened the last time. Their relationship has been strained and awkward but it is still preferred to homelessness and the constant violence they had endured.

Has she locked the door? There is that sense of dread that overwhelms her in that particular moment, the irrational paranoiac fear that she hasn’t done enough to protect herself. She stands there, her mind reeling. She’s almost convinced to travel back just to check up on that front door when somebody knocks the notebooks that she holds in the crook of her elbow out of her grasp.

‘I’m so sorr- Oh, you. Sejeong, isn’t it?’

The woman looks up from the floor where she’s squatted, trying to gather her scattered belongings. A man crouches next to her apologetically, dusting off her pencil case.

Oh Sehun, isn’t it? From the radio station. They’ve only interacted a handful of times since she started her internship, though.

‘Oh Sehun,’ he adds unsurely, just in case, when he notices her hesitation.

‘Yes, of course,’ she finally responds, slowly standing up and unconsciously taking one step back. She allows him to pick up the rest of her things and gingerly receives them when he offers.

‘Again, so sorry about this. I guess I’m pretty all over the place today,’ he admits, looking around.

‘Are you a student here?’ She frowns, the question rolling off her tongue without a second thought. Doesn’t he work in the radio..?

‘Oh… Oh, no! No, not anymore,’ he admits sheepishly. ‘But I did graduate from the Art and Media Department here. Three… Four years ago already. Wow, the time really does fly, doesn’t it,’ he adds, in awe of himself.

Not fast enough, no.

‘That’s my department too,’ Sejeong says almost despite herself, wishing to cut the conversation short. The man smiles.

‘You don’t say. I guess I’m your senior, then. I’ll make sure to give you extra help.’ Sehun’s grin seems genuine but the woman tenses nonetheless at the words.

When Sejeong doesn’t say anything more, he adds.

‘I’m supposed to meet this one student here, a favour to my former supervisor but the guy is like half an hour late and quite frankly, I’m getting mad. I was supposed to help him with his job applications, don’t you think that he should be waiting for me, and with a cup of coffee, too?’ He doesn’t seem like he’s actually angry but you never know.

Sejeong remains silent, not quite sure how to respond. Plus, it might be somebody that she knows so it’s probably better not to.

‘Do you wanna grab a coffee, instead?’

‘Huh?’ She startles at the offer, looking up again.

He continues, undeterred.

‘I’ve already come all the way here, anyway. And we kinda know each other, don’t we?’ Not really, no. ‘I could talk to you more about the radio and such. Yunho-hyung can be a little too much sometimes, I know he seemed super scary to me when I first started. Though now I know that the one I should have actually been scared of is Jinki-hyung.’ Sehun laughs at his own joke. ‘Do you wanna become a writer after graduation?’

The amount of information that leaves Sehun’s lips is directly disproportional to Sejeong’s ability to process it. She takes another step back.

‘I- I’m sorry. I have to go,’ she manages.

‘Oh, sure,’ he replies, disappointed. ‘Let’s exchange KaTok at least? Since we’ve run into each other like this? I haven’t had any opportunities to actually talk to you, but I’ll treat you to lunch sometime. I’m sure Seungwan will be glad to join as well,’ he adds.

Sejeong, whose gaze all this time has been pretty much wandering around, trying her best not to look at the man, blinks.

‘Seungwan unnie?’

‘Yeah. Let’s take Seungwan too, the more the merrier,’ he continues, sensing a significant shift in the atmosphere between them at the mention of the other woman. Sejeong indeed relaxes a little at the words. ‘There are other girls in the station that I’m sure you’ll like. Kang Seulgi, Seungwan’s best friend and newscaster. And Park Sooyoung, she hosts the weekly music show.’

‘Okay,’ Sejeong finally agrees when it becomes clear that Sehun won’t walk away without her answer. He takes his cell phone out of his messenger bag, handing it to her.

‘Just add yourself and I’ll message you back. Seriously, I know that it all can be quite intimidating in your first days so if you have a problem, don’t hesitate to contact me. Currently the only one lower than me in the writing room are you,’ he jokes. ‘So I guess we can be friends.’

Sejeong doesn’t know about that but she accepts the phone, fumbling with his contact search.

‘Somebody’s calling you,’ she observes when she’s half way through inputting her KaTok ID. She notices the caller name. Tao Huang. Not a name that she’s familiar with.

Sehun frowns when he looks at the screen, now actually quite annoyed at the sight so Sejeong immediately looks away, trying not to go into a panic mode. Male anger is always terrifying even if the rational part of her knows that she’s out in the open, surrounded by dozens of other students. Nothing can happen to her. Breathe, Sejeong, breathe.

Has she locked that damn door…?   

‘Sorry ‘bout that. It’s work, I’ll call them back. It is my day off, though.’ His voice brings her back to reality.

The woman easily accepts the explanation, not wishing to probe any further into it. She inputs her details at record speed, now regretting having agreed to this at all.

‘I must go now,’ she announces, nodding once and nearly speeding off.

‘Oh, okay… See you tomorrow!’ His words go almost unnoticed. The woman doesn’t even turn around, quickly entering the comfort of the library.

 

 

 

 

It would be an understatement to say that Kim Yerim is shaken at the discovery. However, it is simultaneously not a shock at all – it should not be, at least. Unconsciously, somewhere deep inside, she knows that she has entertained this possibility for a long while. She’s been aware even if she didn’t fully know.

She has a sister. Her mother gave birth to another child, a long time ago. And for whatever reason, that child – that woman – doesn’t live in their house. She’s not there for their Sunday family lunches, she’s not there to celebrate important anniversaries. Her photo does not have a place on the cabinet in the living room, alongside those of Yerim growing up and her parents’ wedding.

She’s not there to share secrets with Yerim, or even just to fight with her like Yerim knows that sisters tend to, a lot. She’s not there to advise her on her university choices and console after a romantic rejection.

And quite frankly, Yerim just wants to know why.

She stops in front of a dull looking, four storey building, one of many similar ones in the area. She double checks the address. It’s here. She’s stupidly come here on a Sunday morning but she knows that she couldn’t wait any more. Not after what she witnessed yesterday. Her mother suddenly got all defensive and was unwilling to answer any of Yerim’s questions, quickly ushering her back into the car. Yerim caught only but a glimpse of the other young woman, initially too disoriented to comprehend the situation in front of her but one look was enough. Her mother looked like she’d seen a ghost.

That woman had Yerim’s mother’s dark eyes.

Donghyuk was not very happy when he heard Yerim’s resolution to confront the situation head on but she expected that much. He tends to overthink. Always. A lot. He’s deep like that.

‘Yerim-ah,’ he pleaded, switching the receiver to his other hand. She could hear him take a long drag out of his cigarette. He was probably on the balcony where his father couldn’t see him. ‘How about we think about it some more, get to know that lady a little before you attempt to ambush her. If she indeed is your sister, maybe there is a reason as to why she’s not in your life.’

‘Yeah, and I wanna know the reason,’ Yerim replied right back, earning a sigh from the boy. He already knew that he’d lost and they hadn’t even properly started the discussion.

‘Do you want me to go with you?’ He offered moral support instead, sensing that was the only appropriate thing to do, considering the situation.

‘No, but you might wanna clear out your schedule for tomorrow afternoon, just in case I crawl back crying.’

He sighed again, this time sympathetically.

Yerim stills with her hand on the handle, unsure what to do next but the front door to the building actually opens easily – it doesn’t have a code, or if it does, it has been long dismantled. So different from Yerim’s parents’ loft in Dong-baek.

She grasps the bottoms of her sleeves tightly, feeling her heartbeat speed up. That’s what she wanted, wasn’t it? To know who exactly Son Seungwan is. Not the radio personality that she would obsessively listen to when she first learnt of her sister’s existance, wondering if that is her Son Seungwan. The one whose name Yerim heard aunt Minhee let carelessly slip from her lips when she thought that nobody but Yerim’s mother was listening.

She suddenly wishes that she’d taken her mint smoke before coming up here. One, two, three floors. She stops right at the door. There are two names on it, there is no mistake. No way out now.

She knocks. One time, then another. There is some shuffling heard inside and then the front door opens, revealing a woman behind it.

It is the same woman whom Yerim saw at the shop the day before and the same one whose photo she found on the radio’s website. It was definitely a Son Seungwan, only now wearing long pyjama bottoms and a worn out T-shirt. She must have woken up not too long ago.

Just one look at her makes Yerim realise that no introductions are really necessary – Seungwan’s eyes widen as she takes in the sight in front of her. The younger clutches the bottoms of her sleeves again, taking a deep breath.

‘I-‘ Nothing comes out. Seungwan is still staring, alarmed. Yerim tries again. ‘My n-name is Kim Yerim. Are you my sister?’ She herself can’t believe that she is actually saying the words.

The older woman quietly gasps at the claim. She opens but the occurrence has apparently rendered her speechless and Yerim can’t blame her. She might know way more about the situation than Yerim does, but she surely couldn’t have expected the high school student to suddenly drop by her flat on a Sunday morning. Donghyuk was right – this is an ambush of sorts.

Seungwan finally sobers, briefly looking over her shoulder. There must be somebody in the flat with her, maybe the other woman who seems to live with her.

‘Look, I- I guess I just need to know. Please. Just tell me and I’ll go.’ But both know that she will not be able to simply walk away once a bomb like that is dropped between them. Yerim wants to know more – wants to know everything – and she has a feeling that Seungwan would like to know a thing or two as well. Or at least she hopes so. ‘I wanna know what your relationship with my mother is… And with me.’ 

Seungwan looks around one more time, eventually wiping her face with her hands, suddenly looking exhausted.

‘I don’t know what to tell you,’ she admits and Yerim knows that she’s telling the truth. But she’s not budging and Seungwan eventually sighs. ‘Can you wait for me downstairs? I’ll change and come down. To be honest, it’s probably better to talk on a more neutral ground.’

‘You will show up though, right?’ Yerim makes sure because she’s had a fair share of friends standing her up for no reason. Seungwan frowns, surprised.

‘Of course,’ she confirms and soon closes the door.

Yerim loudly exhales, turning around and descends the stairs. There is no lift. There it is, she’s done it. She’s reached out to Son Seungwan and now the chips will have to fall where they might.

Kim Yerim reaches for her unopened pack of menthols as soon as she walks out of the building, digging out a lighter from the side pocket. She probably has five, ten minutes before she has to face the older woman again. She’ll take it.

 

 

*Title: The Rose - She's in the rain

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Changdeol
Thank you so much for the feature, I am very grateful to all the long-term and new readers. I'm glad you've liked this story so far and that you gave it so much credit though it doesn't yet have that many chapters. I hope I can live up to the expectations. Thank you again and have a good day!

Comments

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ShinHye24 1340 streak #1
Chapter 14: the way se could already see Irene was falling for her!! I'll wait with respect whole rereading from time to time :)
mklarisse_ #2
Chapter 14: oh i did not expect this :0 such a good story.. i really thought the last chap would show another development between wr but its oki ofc i really enjoyed this fic thank you authornim
paradoxicalninja
#3
Chapter 14: I will probably wait forever for the continuation.
mklarisse_ #4
Chapter 3: WHATTTT AJDJDJD im so amazed how the end of every chap gets me this shook
mklarisse_ #5
Chapter 2: what 😭😭😭 my poor seungwan being rejected this fast and twicE
paradoxicalninja
#6
Chapter 3: i forgot how unhinged joohyun was here lmao
paradoxicalninja
#7
Chapter 1: Rereading even if I have work tomorrow. Always such a pleasure to reread your works.

And! You manifested Wan DJ 🥺
gntmsk
#8
Chapter 14: sobs i hope you're doing well author-nim. this story is doing wonders and i really hope that one day, when you're ready, you'll be able to continue this story. fighting!
Chambi
#9
Chapter 14: I hope you're doing good author
WluvsBaetokki #10
Chapter 14: I'm still hoping that author-nim will continue this story