"What is this?"

Kang Younghyun. Loose white shirt hanging off one shoulder, flannel pajama pants sitting dangerously low on the hips, disheveled hair, and eye bags, huge ones (he's tried treating them with cucumber slices but to no avail).

Correction, that's Doctor Kang Younghyun. General surgeon; plans to specialize in cardiac surgery (rather passionate about it). No one would mistake him for one, not in his current state at least. It's been an entire week since he's had proper sleep you see. Being a doctor does that to you. Probably, being in a long distance relationship also does that to you. Especially if you're not on good terms and patching things up seems impossible that it keeps you up at night.

Younghyun attempts to make himself look presentable--brushes back his hair, straightens out his shirt, and pulls up his pants--as he checks the box being held out to him.

"It's a package sir."

"I can see that. But do I look like a Park Jaehyung to you?!"

The delivery man flinches.

"Sorry... I just woke up and I haven't had enough sleep so I-"

"Actually, I was going to say you look more like a Brian." The guy shrugs then hands him a sheet to sign in. 

Younghyun stares at him for a while, because no one ever, ever, calls him Brian except Jae. So how in the world did this person know to call him Brian?

"Um, sir. If you would just sign here please? I need to be on my way. Unless its a mistake, then I'll just take this-"

"No! No... it's okay. I-I'll receive it."

Younghyun takes the pen and signs the paper; his mind elsewhere that his signature misses its mark completely.

Yoon Dowoon. Younghyun repeats the name written on the guy's ID and commits it to memory, setting it aside with the symptoms and diagnoses, and Park Jaehyung.

++++++

"Morning Jae." Younghyun recites in monotone. His phone is left on speaker as he goes about preparing dinner: a bowl of instant ramen.

"Morning Bri," Jae mumbles in his deep morning voice, as if he had just woken up. "Or is it night... What time is it over there again?"

"It's nighttime." Younghyun replies, a hint of annoyance in his voice, unable to hide how irked he is that Jae still can't get their days and nights right.

"Why'd you call? I thought you were mad at me. I miss-"

"I am."

"You can't stay mad at me forever Bri... I miss you, okay? Do you think I'd rather be attending business meetings than be with you?"

"Yes." The blunt reply cuts like knife.

"Younghyun..."

Younghyun tenses. Jae would always switch to using his real name when they were having an argument.

"You know I'm doing the best I can for our relationship... I'm coming home soon, I promise you."

He recites that last line in his head with Jae. 

He's been hearing those words too often, that they've lost their meaning. What does coming home soon mean? How soon is soon? And where is home? He doubts Jae even knows.

I don't need your empty promises, he wants to say, but keeps it to himself instead, along with a handful of other phrases he doesn't want to become meaningless.

It won't change anything anyway. It's not as if Jae would come running into his arms if he begged for him to come home, or hug him tight if he said I miss you in between sobs, or kiss him full on the lips if he whispered I love you. 

The silence between them stretches on, until Jae speaks again.

"I want to see you. Turn on your camera."

"No."

"You haven't shaved yet, have you?"

Noodles slip from a pair of chopsticks.

Jae chuckles at the silence that follows because he knows he's right. 

"And because you don't want me to see what you're having for dinner..."

Always right. 

Younghyun turns his phone over and pushes it away from him. Just in case.

"Younghyun, I told you to go to the grocery. Having ramen for dinner over and over again can't be healthy. You're a doctor. You should know these things..."

And you're the boyfriend! You should know the exact reason why I hate going to the grocery alone!

There's only one reason Younghyun hates going to the grocery: those couples feeding each other free food samples. He reckons he'll get diabetes if he sees another pair of lovebirds going at it. 

He actually resorted to sabotaging a couple once: eating an entire plate of bite-sized sausages an ahjumma was offering to passers by and then buying off the entire display, telling the ahjumma she should have the rest of the day off. A couple walked past him with a disappointed look while he went home with a month's worth of sausages. The real winner? The ahjumma of course, but boy did it feel so good.

"A package for you arrived today." Younghyun changes the topic as he cleans the table, deciding he's lost his appetite.

"Really? It arrived earlier than I expected..."

"Should I have it delivered to you or..."

"Or what Younghyun?"

"...or will you come home?" It slips his tongue.

He finds himself sighing together with Jae.

"You don't have to send me anything. It's for you."

For me? Is this some sort of I'm-sorry-I'm-living-half-way-across-the-world-accept-this-for-the-time-being gift?

"I don't want it."

"Younghyun..."

"I want you."

He anticipates for Jae to reply with an 'I want you too' but he doesn't.

"Open the package." Jae replies instead.

"And if I don't?"

"You can throw me away with it."

Younghyun feels like his heart drops to the pit of his stomach. In their nearly a year of being apart, Jae had never, even once, expressed wanting to give up on their relationship. It was always him. Him and his impatience, him and and his empty words. Words he knows Jae will never take seriously, words he can take back easily. But hearing Jae imply a break up for the first time, makes him want to take back everything he's ever said. Wants to say he's sorry. That he's just tired and work has just been taxing lately.

Before he can say anything, he hears a tell-tale beep from his phone. The call ending just like that. He didn't even say goodbye. Now it was just him, the unopened package and Jae's last words left sitting in the silence.

++++++

"Jae, I love you! I'm sorry! Please call me back." Younghyun cries into his phone as he leaves Jae another voicemail.

On the table, a rose gold stethoscope and a note drowned in tears. The post scripts on it written in different inks, one handwriting slightly different from the other--like they were collected over time.

 

So you can hear how my heart beats only for you.

Happy Birthday Brian.

I will never not love you,

Jae

PS. Wipe your snot, you look disgusting.

PPS. Who am I kidding, you look beautiful even when you cry...and become snotty.

PPPS. You were crying, right? You better be. I know you miss me!

PPPPS. I can't wait to come home and do cheesy things with you again... Like how we'd listen to each other's heartbeats. I miss resting my head on your chest and falling asleep to the sound of your heart beating. Or when you'd listen to mine and lecture me about medical terms. Don't get me wrong, it's not that it's boring, it's just that your voice soothes me.

PPPPPS. I lied. It is boring. #SorryNotSorry

PPPPPPS. I miss you so much Brian... 

PPPPPPPS. I hope you aren't tired of waiting for me.

PPPPPPPPS. Bri... I love you.

PPPPPPPPS. I hope you still love me too.

 

Younghyun stares at the ceiling as he lies in bed, unable to sleep, a million thoughts going through his head, every single one of them of Park Jaehyung.

At the very instance the silence is disrupted by the ringing of a cellphone he scrambles to the bed side table and snatches his phone. 

It's Jae.

He's been waiting, praying, for Jae to call but he can't get himself to press the green button.

What if he says he's had enough? What if he breaks up with me?

"What if you just answered the phone?" It's Jae's voice. He must have answered it at some point.

"J-Jae..." Younghyun tries to keep his cool but it's just impossible and he ends up crying.

"Bri, I went through all your voicemails. Are you all right? I'm sorry the call got cut, my phone ran out of battery."

"I-It did?" Younghyun starts to calm down, catching his breath in between sobs.

"Wait... Did you think I'd end it just like that?"

"N-No... of course not." He hiccups.

"Well I did get my declaration of love and apologies to last a life time, so I guess it turned out for the better?"

"DELETE THOSE MESSAGES PARK JAEHYUNG!"

"No...pe!"

"Jae!" Younghyun whines.

"Do you want to take it back? Your words I mean?"

"No..." Younghyun answers in a small voice.

"Did you even mean them?"

"Yes of course!"

Younghyun can see Jae smiling from other end, as if he were right infront of him. He figures it must be a telepathic connection. (He takes dibs on Jean Grey, Jae can be the bald guy.) He smiles despite himself.

"I'm glad you opened your gift. Did you like it?"

"I like you... I-I mean I love you. I mean IT! I loved IT!"

Jae laughs, loud and hearty, a sound Younghyun hasn't heard in a long while. He hits the video icon immediately.

Jae's face pops up on Younghyun's screen--a huge smile across his face, eyes disappearing behind big round glasses.

"I missed you," Jae speaks first. "You look..."

"You look worse Jae," Younghyun quips--the banter, a sign that things are about to return to the way they used to be. "I can't even see you in the dark. Wait... Where are you? Why is it dark?"

"Told you I'd be home soon..."