Nonexistent.

 

That is how Myoui Mina defines herself.

 

She is nonexistent in this world.

 

The world would not change a bit if she leaves it.

 

Monday will become Tuesday.

 

January will be February.

 

2012 will be 2013.

 

Today will become the tomorrow.

 

Everything will just continue; may she be part of this world or not.

 

Because Mina understands that, she does not care about anything anymore. Because she knows that eventually, she’ll become a speck of dust in this dimension.

 

In this lifetime.

 

She did not want to but her mother forced her to do so, to go to the hospital and visit her dying grandmother.

 

They had a nice talk.

 

By nice talk Mina means her grandmother asking about the latest episode of her favorite drama, asking about the latest gossips about the celebrities.

 

It was just that.

 

Nothing cheesy or dramatic.

 

Maybe, her grandmother knew that it was her time. That eventually, she’ll live this place and she did not want her family to be burdened anymore that is why she did not want to talk about it.

 

She’s old anyway. That is what she would always tell them.

 

Mina is prepared for this.

 

But she isn’t bulletproof because it saddens her still.

 

She goes out her grandmother’s room to get some air.

 

To at least ease the heavy feeling in her chest.

 

Mina finds herself on the rooftop. Enjoying the overlooking scenery from the hospital.

 

She looks around, and something caught her eyes. It looks like a book.

 

Mina has always been fascinated with books.

 

So, as her curiosity leads her. Mina picks up the book on the bench.

 

She opens it and turns out it isn’t a book.

 

Rather it is a ~ ~

 

“Minatozaki Sana’s Journey to Dying,”

 

Mina reads it loud. She furrows her eyebrows.

 

Minatozaki Sana? It does ring a bell. Could it be?

 

Mina turns another page.

 

Minatozaki Sana

December 29, 1996 – Soon?

Diagnosis: ♥ ♥ Weak Heart ☹ ☹ ♥ ♥

 

Mina looks at it. And everything is handwritten, this can’t be a book.

 

Rather it is ~

 

“That’s mine,”

 

Mina looks up.

 

She then sees a very familiar girl.

 

She is Mina’s classmate. Now, Mina remembers her name. S

 

She is Minatozaki Sana.

 

They once sit next to each other when the teacher asked them to sit alphabetically.

 

She is one of the popular girls in their school.

 

She is also one of the few who tried starting a conversation with Mina.

 

She is bubbly, quirky, and kind.

 

She is Minatozaki Sana.

 

Mina looks at Sana then the journal she is holding.

 

She feels awkward.

Sana looks at Mina and then the journal in Mina’s hand.

 

She feels threatened.

 

She takes a deep breath, then smiles at Myoui Mina before moving closer to her.

 

“That journal, it’s mine,” Sana says smiling.

 

“Yours?” Mina confirms. She does not know how to react.

 

Sana nods.

 

Mina awkwardly extends her hand to give Sana her journal back.

 

Sana grabs it.

 

They stand in front of each other for a clear minute.

 

“Can you keep this as a secret?” Sana shyly asks.

 

“Keep what a secret? You talking to me, or.” Mina looks at the journal in Sana’s hand. She is hesitant to continue but Sana did not flinch.

Rather it is Sana who continued her sentence.

 

“That I am dying,” Sana smiles. She says it like dying does not mean anything to her.

 

Like she is ready to leave this place.

 

Mina always knew that eventually, everyone will die.

 

Everyone will become a speck of dust.

 

But, she has not fully accepted the fact that life isn’t worth living.

 

But when Mina looks at Sana.

 

She sees things in a different perspective.

 

Sana is too bright to stop shining she thought.

 

Sana looks at Mina.

 

She smiles at her.

 

“Are you going to keep it as a secret?”

 

Sana confirms with a smile.

 

Mina did not say much, rather she looks in another direction and utters,

 

“Like, I have someone to tell it to,”

 

Sana chuckles.

 

“Thank you, Mina-chan,”

 

Mina looks at Sana in surprised. Sana knows her?

 

“You know my name?” She questions.

 

Sana gives her a shocked, expression. Then she laughs.

 

“Of course, I know your name! We have been classmates for two years now, don’t you remember me asking for answers from our tests when we were seated next to each other?” Sana clarifies lightly.

 

Mina prevents herself to react. This is the first, someone calling her from their class.

 

She had always thought that she was nonexistent.

 

Sana seems to want to talk more, but her phone started ringing.

 

“Aish, I need to go Mina-chan, I will see you in school tomorrow,” Sana says running away.

 

Mina looks at Sana’s back fading.

 

How can she run when she knows that she has a weak heart?

 

A Weak Heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday came.

 

Mina is sure that the interaction that she had with Sana over the weekend was just that.

 

Because they have no affairs nor business to be together.

 

Sana has her own circle of friends, the popular girls. They are the "IT" girls that everyone wants to be part of their circle.

 

Mina, on the other hand, is part of the aloof ones.

 

The quiet one per say. She exists but no one talks to her.

 

 

Maybe that is why Mina thinks that she never exists anyway, also maybe that is the reason why she is so gloomy.

 

But Mina cannot blame it all on the environment. She too needs to take responsibility why things are like this.

 

Mina is very awkward around people.

 

She is very shy. She is one of those people who would rather walk the other way than say a greeting to someone she knows.

 

She does not like eye contacts.

 

She does not like talks.

 

She does not like people.

 

She does not like anything.

 

So, when she walks into the library where she does her elective, which is a student library assistant. She is very surprised to see Minatozaki Sana by the library counter.

 

“You’re almost late,” Minatozaki Sana speaks directed to her.

 

She smiles to Myoui Mina so bright, that Mina’s eyes can go blind.

 

How can she be this bright, when she already knows that she is walking leading to her own death?

 

How can Sana not be bothered about it?

 

Mina needs to look at another direction for her not to be blinded by Sana’s tantalizing smile.

 

“What are you doing here?” Asks Mina settling her things behind the librarian counter.

 

“I figured, it’s time for me to do some elective,” Sana answers nonchalantly, smiling.

 

Mina did not answer rather she ignored Sana.

 

She does not want anything to do with her if possible.

 

She goes straight to the librarian counter to mind her own business. This is her quiet place and being invaded by someone she only talked to once is bothersome.

 

Though she had been looking at Sana the whole time during class hours.

 

She had been really fascinated how Sana could cover up her own hardships.

 

How can she get by knowing the darkness that is waiting for her?

 

How can she be not bothered about it?

 

Mina takes a deep breath, she is very curious about her. Very curious to say the least.

 

But being Mina, she will never try to talk to Sana about her curiosity yet, Sana seems to read it what lies between Mina’s eyes.

 

“It’s con heart disease, I was born with it,” Sana talks nonchalantly again.

 

She first made sure that no one heard her.

 

Mina looks at her with a blank expression.

 

Sana giggles.

 

“You look cute when you make that face you know,” Sana moves to where Mina is.

 

They are face to face.

 

Mina blushes with the sudden praise.

 

Sana giggles again.

 

“Why don’t you just eat my heart?” She adds looking away from Mina going back to the area where she is organizing the books.

 

Mina hears it loud and clear. It does send shivers to her spine.

 

Her ears are heating up.

 

Her face is heating up.

 

Sana is indeed unpredictable.

 

Unpredictable in a good way.

 

Two weeks had past and Sana isn’t giving up.

 

Giving up in life.

 

And giving up in befriending Myoui Mina.

 

No matter, how much Mina tries to ignore her.

 

To act in minding up her own business, Sana isn’t backing down.

 

She is trying her best to cautiously be friends with the aloof, Myoui Mina.

 

They had never talked in class because Sana has her own set of friends, and Mina has her own self.

 

When their time comes for their elective. Mina would always find a way to keep her distance to Sana. She would take the task of stacking old books in the storage or sometimes, she would take care of picking up the books that were placed on the table of the lazy students.

 

Mina is curious about Sana but she never really wanted to be in any connection with her.

 

Why?

 

Because Sana is like the sun, she is too bright for Mina’s liking.

 

And she sometimes thinks that it is delirious to be that sick and not think about it as much.

 

She does not want to be burdened.

 

But that is too late for that.

 

Mina walks out of the storage room after stacking a number of books when she realizes that Sana isn’t behind the library counter.

 

She first looks at the wall clock and she realizes that Sana could have left already because it is past 18:00. She shrugs her shoulder thinking that Sana gets tired of bothering her.

 

But, Mina sees the latter’s bag under the table.

 

Mina does not want to be bothered.

 

But she knows better.

 

An instinct feeling that something could have happened to the “Overbright” Minatozaki Sana.

 

She does not want to be bothered but it is too late for that.

 

Mina did not utter a word, rather starts turning her head from left to right.

 

She finds no presence of Sana.

 

So, Mina walks faster checking from one place to another, moving from one shelf to the other.

 

She is worried.

 

Worried because she knows Sana’s condition.

 

And she read about it since Sana told her two weeks ago.

 

“Minatozaki – san,”

 

She runs in panic. She sees Sana hugging her knees seemingly finding it hard to breathe.

 

Sana slowly puts her head up. She faces Mina with a weak smile.

 

The sun’s light is dim, Mina thought.

 

Sana is sweating.

 

She is pale.

 

She looks weak.

 

“Are you –“

 

“I’m okay Mina-chan, I just needed to take a break,” Sana forces a smile.

 

Mina clenches her jaw.

 

She knows that Sana could have been resting for like two hours already. There are books scattered on the floor, Sana could have been too weak carrying the books that need to be returned to the shelves.

 

Which could mean something?

 

It could be because of Sana’s weak heart.

 

Now Mina is bothered.

 

She is bothered.

 

Mina does not know what to say to Sana.

 

She cannot reprimand her in overworking herself too much.

 

She cannot just leave the girl, Mina does not know what could happen.

 

Her guilt will eat all of her if she leaves Sana.

 

So, she lowers her shoulder and does what she thinks could help.

 

She picks up the scattered books one by one and put it on the right places to help Sana.

 

“Yah, Mina-yah, you did not need to do that, I can do it, I –“ Sana tries to stand up but it is obvious that she is too weak to even move.

 

Mina did not bother to help Sana in standing up.

 

Rather she continues to stack the books properly.

 

“Stay still,” Mina coldly says.

 

Sana looks at Mina all she sees is Mina looking like a knight, saving her from her misery.

 

“I’d finish this up, just stay still, take all the rest you need,” Mina does not know why she utters those words.

 

But she did.

 

And it surprises her because she did not feel irritated talking to Sana.

 

Offering Sana’s help.

 

Rather she feels her ears heating up.

 

“You should get all the rest you want, people with weak hearts should just avoid kinetic activities,” Mina says.

 

Sana did not answer rather she looks at Mina with a hint of a smile.

 

And there are tears of joy threatening to fall.

 

Mina notices the strange looks coming from Sana. She finds it awkward.

 

To Sana, she is awkwardly cute.

 

Mina is looking everywhere but Sana.

But the blushing Sana.

 

But the ethereal Sana.

 

But Sana.

 

“I read about it somewhere,” Mina says explaining her own words.

 

She does not want Sana to put any meaning on that. But what can Mina do?

 

It is too late.

 

Sana smiles grew wider already.

 

It did because of Mina’s cute awkwardness.

 

“So, you are reading about my sickness, huh?” Sana taunts.

 

She is as bright as the sun again.

 

And she is still too vibrant for Mina’s liking.

 

“Can you just eat my heart, please,” Sana chuckles.

 

Mina glares to Sana. She finds Sana’s statement weird.

 

Sana lets out another soothing chuckle.

 

At least it is soothing for Mina’s auditory.

 

“I thought you’d understand it,” Sana says with a sad expression.

 

Mina looks at Sana questioningly.

 

Sana just offers a very bright smile.

 

Mina rolls her eyes in response.

 

Yet, Sana starts babbling things.

 

Starts conversations that are too personal for Mina’s liking, even though Sana was just asking what food she likes, what shows she watches and what does she do in a weekend.

 

For Mina, it was an invasion of her privacy but she answers it anyway.

 

Just for Sana to stop.

 

Because Mina needs her peace back.

 

But her peace never came back.

 

Rather.

 

Another door opened up because of that incident.

 

Because Mina starts showing care.

 

They start talking.

 

Simple chats that are just about anything but Sana’s condition.

 

They even had each other’s Line ID.

 

They start talking and sending messages.

 

Mina would secretly smile whenever she receives a message from Sana.

 

She started using stickers because of Sana.

 

It started with simple dog stickers of Sana.

 

Then Mina has decided to download cat stickers just to contradict her.

 

Then it goes on and on.

 

They rarely talk inside their classrooms even though Sana would initiate something.

 

Mina will just pretend that she does not see Sana.

 

And Sana knows it.

 

But she is not pushing it further.

 

Until Sana had decided to move forward.

 

“Mitang, I am thinking to go somewhere on the weekend, will you go with me? ^^ *Dog sticker*”

 

Sana sends.

 

They are inside the library doing their elective.

 

Even though they are inside the library, Mina rarely talks to Sana.

 

Mina sees the message.

 

And she contemplated a thousand time if she should reply or not.

 

She ends up putting her phone back in her pocket.

 

Sana sees Mina’s action.

 

She knew that Mina reads her message but ignores it.

 

She feels really bad.

 

Another rejection by Myoui Mina.

 

So, Sana pouts like a child deprives of buying the toy she wanted all her life.

 

And Mina sees a glimpse of that expression.

 

She feels her face heats up.

 

Another composed smile appeared on her face.

 

It has been appearing a lot lately, and surely the reason for that will be Sana.

 

Mina walks past Sana.

 

Then she hears Sana’s loud desperate sigh. It was an act of tantrum and somehow Mina knows that.

 

So, she utters the words she had been contemplating to send to Sana.

 

“Where are we going this weekend?”

 

Mina says coldly.

 

It was too nonchalant that Sana needs at least a minute to have it register her head.

 

“Are you - are we?” A hint of happiness can be heard from Sana’s voice.

 

Sana displays the cutest and brightest smile she could give to someone.

 

And Mina wants to hold on to her chest.

 

Because.

 

Sana’s smile feels like the arrow of Cupid.

 

Hitting her straight to her fragile and longing chest.

 

“It’s a surprise, dress up you! Let’s meet at the train station before lunch,” Sana says.

 

She finishes her task faster than usual.

 

Then Mina is about to question her but she was not able to say anything anymore.

 

Because Sana skips away.

 

Yes, she is skipping like a bunny in joy.

 

And Mina finally offers a lopsided smile of happiness.

 

Cause every skip that Sana does is another arrow of love.

 

Cupid must be crazy.

 

Mina must be crazy.

 

 

 

The weekend came faster than expected.

 

And Mina is early.

 

She always is.

 

But before lunch could mean any time before 12:00 which 15 minutes passed.

 

She raises her brow and stomps her foot on the floor because of annoyance.

 

Sana is late.

 

Mina looks at her phone she hasn’t received a message from Sana so she is patiently waiting.

 

Just waiting.

 

Until.

 

“Mitang! Sorry,”

 

Sana looks really apologetic.

 

She even puts her palms together just so Mina would understand how sorry she is.

 

Mina rolls her eyes.

 

“Before lunch means before 11:30,” Mina says nonchalantly.

 

“Oh, is that so? I normally have my lunch after 01:00, so technically it is still before lunch,” Sana explains with a taunting sound.

 

Mina glares to Sana.

 

She shakes her head and walks away.

 

Mina heard Sana chuckles whiles she was walking away.

 

Mina is sure, Sana is taunting her again.

 

“Hai, hai, hai, Gomene Mitangchi!” Sana speaks cutely.

 

She then follows Mina.

 

But Mina is still ignoring her.

 

So, for Mina to stop ignoring her.

 

Sana slips her arm on Mina’s arm.

 

She snakes it to hers.

 

Mina freezes from the sudden contact.

 

She shakily looks at Sana.

 

And it is too bright again.

 

Too bright for her liking.

 

Because Sana is smiling at her.

 

Mina gulps.

 

She looks in another direction in an instance and sways her arm away from Sana’s. She puts her hand inside her pocket.

 

“Where do you want to go?”

 

Mina asks looking in another direction.

 

“I want to go to an all you can eat sweets restaurant,” Sana suggests winking.

 

“All you can eat?” Mina asks in an amusement.

 

Sana nods vigorously.

 

“Yes! I want to eat all the sweets I can, and die from diabetes than a heart attack,” Sana jokes.

 

Mina’s expression changed.

 

How can she forget for a moment that Sana is sick?

 

“Yah! Why are you looking at me like that, Mitang?” Asks Sana.

 

“Like what?”

 

“Like you take what I said seriously, I was just joking, con heart disease is my death, so diabetes could try all she wants,” Sana says playfully again.

 

Mina takes a deep breath.

 

She does not know what to say anymore.

 

Why is it hard to even pretend that she does not care?

 

Well in the first place she should not!

 

“Aish, you are too serious today, let’s go,” Sana blurts out leading the way.

 

She walks past Mina.

 

The younger one follows her.

 

They walk in silence.

 

And even sit across each other in silence.

 

Mina finds it weird that Sana is not even talking.

 

So, she has decided to start a conversation.

 

Her palms are sweating.

is even drying up.

 

This is the first.

 

The first time Mina has ever tried starting a conversation.

 

“You like sweets?”

 

Three words.

 

Only three words but it almost take every molecule in Mina’s body.

 

Sana isn’t making it easy for Mina because she just nodded.

 

Now, Mina is thinking.

 

Maybe Sana is feeling really bad today.

 

“Do you want to go home after eating desserts?” Asks Mina in a very low tone but Sana still hears it.

 

Mina is just looking at Sana seriously.

 

Sana is glaring at Mina.

 

Mina opens and she is about to say something but Sana beats her in doing so.

 

“Do you know why I joke around my sickness? Why I try to light things up?”

 

There are tears in Sana’s eyes.

 

Mina hesitantly shakes her head.

 

Sana sniffles.

 

Mina looks guilty.

 

So, Sana felt bad because Mina ignores her remark about her sickness.

 

Mina is not insane enough to tolerate her.

 

But Mina still feels guilty.

 

“It’s because the journey matters, rather than the destination itself,” Sana explains.

 

Mina looks at Sana quizzically.

 

Sana is a very poetic person in her own way.

 

She chuckles again.

 

Mina’s face even looks more confused.

 

She knows Sana has a con heart disease, not a schizophrenia.

 

“I like it when you get confused,”

 

Sana remarks.

 

Mina shakes her head hesitantly.

 

Sana is pretty crazy.

 

Her mood changed from being so down to being high spirited in a mere second.

 

“Momoring will surely hate me when she finds out I came here without her,” Sana says starting a new conversation.

 

She is smiling but there is a hint of sadness in her eyes.

 

And Mina did not fail to notice it. But, she does not want to meddle.

 

Rather, she just asks questions.

 

“Why did you not come with her then, if you knew already that she’ll hate you,” Mina asks looking at the cake on the table.

 

“Because I want her to,” Sana stops.

 

Mina looks at Sana affectionately again.

 

She feels compassion towards Sana.

 

She does but she has no idea on how to put it into words.

 

She has no idea on how to comfort Sana.

 

Because above all the negligence act that Mina shows Sana.

 

She somehow cares.

 

She does.

 

She cares.

 

“It’s better like that you know, Momo hating me, for her not to cry so much when I die, So, she will have less pain or maybe she could even be happy when I die, because she hates me,” Sana smiles.

 

But Mina sees through her soul. Sana is sad.

 

Sana is in an emotional web that is too fragile.

 

But Mina does not want to pry.

 

Somehow, Mina learned that Sana gets irritated when she tries to talk about that.

 

About Sana’s condition.

 

Sana hates people who pity her.

 

“That sounds pathetic,” Mina nonchalantly comments.

 

“I am pathetic! And I am proud of that,” Sana winks.

 

Mina stops herself from smiling.

 

Even though Mina knows that Sana is trying to act brave.

 

Or at least, accepting of the situation. Somehow, Mina knows better.

 

They ate all the deserts that they wanted. It was a short day because Sana needed to attend a Doctor’s appointment.

 

So, Mina went home that night.

 

She did.

 

She looks at her ceiling and images of Sana flashes in her mind.

 

The sad eyes behind every smile.

 

The frightened eyes every time she gets reminded of her own death.

 

The regret.

 

Everything.

 

Mina wonders why?

 

Why of all the people Sana is the one who has a limit.

 

Isn’t Sana too bright to stop shining?

 

Isn’t Sana too good to stop influencing?

 

Sana does not deserve this.

 

But who does?

 

Mina sighs.

 

“You’re not pathetic, you’re great,” Mina utters. She closes her eyes and sleeps that night.

 

 

 

 

Nonexistent!

 

Mina had been living that life since she was young.

 

And she is very comfortable with that.

 

Now, that word seems to not exist in any form anymore.

 

Because –

 

People are looking at her intently as she walks in their school corridors.

 

From Left to Right.

 

People are looking, then they start murmuring as soon as Mina walks passed them.

 

Mina ignores them, maybe she just has dirt in her face or something. She’ll go straight to the loo after putting her things down inside their classroom. She thought.

 

But, the stares did not stop.

 

If anything, it went worse.

 

Her classmates are looking at her.

 

As if they are judging her.

 

She feels that she is becoming smaller and smaller and smaller.

 

Or, no she just wants to disappear.

 

“YAH!” A loud slam shocks Mina.

 

Myoui Mina looks up and she sees a very familiar person.

 

She gulps.

 

Of course, she knows her.

 

It’s Hirai Momo.

 

The best friend of Minatozaki Sana.

 

And she is also one of the popular girls.

 

“Is it true that Sanachi and you went out last Saturday!?” Momo asks Mina authoritatively.

 

As if Mina is trespassing on Momo’s property.

 

Mina nods awkwardly.

 

“What!? Why?” asks Momo.

 

Mina sees hatred in Momo’s eyes.

 

But Sana was wrong.

 

Momo does not hate