The Third Son

Description

Jongin is the third son of the King, although he will not inherit, he still thinks that being the third son have its merits.

Foreword

This is my submission for week 2 to the Open Writing Club heclgehog is hosting.

Comments

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doksoo1201 #1
Chapter 1: so sweet and cute. i really love it!!
Theblackswang
#2
Chapter 1: I loved it from the bottom of my heart
mylovelywookie #3
Chapter 1: So cute and light.
mikimika101
#4
Chapter 1: Great story!!! I loved how you made the third son the main character, not the crown prince. It was refreshing to read about someone who wasn't going to rule the land. Also I enjoyed the plethora of adjectives. It really helped me enjoy the story... although valet in America usually refers to someone who parks cars for others instead of someone who is a servant. It took me a bit to remember that valet has two meanings. LOL

Anyways, away from my misunderstanding of the word valet... A few things I'd like to point out to help your story...

One, during your explanations of the rules for being the third son it was a little confusing. All three princes are male, so we need to use "he" quite a lot which is a little confusing. Try to mix in a few different words to help us understand more clearly who you are referring to. Also the second son was barely mentioned in the explanation. We might thing that he might not have much responsibilities like the third son, but he seems to have a few responsibilities according to your story. You might want to elaborate on that for us.

Two, when you first introduce the characters the first character we are introduced to is the King, who talking about the birth of his grand daughter. That's fine, but I wanted to be introduced to the third son first since he's the main character. The King can be talking first, but I'd like to "meet" Jongin first. All you really need to do is take out the that first line ("The King, his father..." <-- Who is he?) and put that line in somewhere after the king speaks.

Three, I felt no connections between Kyungsoo and Jongin. It seems like Kyungsoo was just trained to love whoever he marries, like it didn't have to be Jongin. I'd find a way to let the audience know that Kyungsoo loved Jongin back rather than just accepted his fate. The conversation about being groomed to be either the Kim Family or Lee Family's husband really makes Kyungsoo like a robot that has to accept whomever he marries. Please elaborate how Kyungsoo loves Jongin too, otherwise it comes off as Kyungsoo not loving Jongin... We know he does... right?

Four, grammar. Spelling wasn't too bad, but the run-on sentences. I have trouble with it too, but be careful. There were a lot of run-on sentences.

That's it! Thank you for the wonderful story. I really liked it. I can't wait to see what you'll write next!
ChanBaekTao
#5
Chapter 1: Like others have mentioned, I really loved how you focused on the third son! It felt like a much needed spin off story of a character that didn't have much say in the original story, you know?

Grammar wise, you should watch out for run on sentences!!

Here's an example of one: "He may not inherit but he has the liberty of choosing what he wanted to do, he was not tied down by the responsibilities of being the successor, thats his oldest brother duty, and if he wasn't able to do them, then the line of succession would be passed to his second brother."

Directly edited to only fix the run on sentence, it could be: "He may not inherit [the crown] but he has the liberty of choosing what he wanted to do. He was not tied down by the responsibilities of being the successor, that's his oldest brother duty. If he wasn't able to do them, then the line of succession would be passed to his second brother.

The sentence could also be: "He might not inherit the crown, but that gave him the liberty of doing whatever he wanted to do. He was under no obligation to be the successor of the throne, since that was the duty of the oldest brother. Even if push came to shove, the next in line would be the second brother. Now, the kingdom would have some serious bad luck if the crown had to be given to him."

My writing isn't perfect either, but I hope that got the point across! To fix these mistakes in my own stories, I read them aloud. When I feel like I should stop or when I expect a pause sooner, I edit it to where I feel necessary. Periods and commas are sort of like breath breaks for your mind when reading.

Another thing, I loved how you started and ended with "being the third son has its merits." The phrase neatly wrapped up your story and was very effective.

Overall, good job! I really enjoyed it :)
asahdako
#6
Chapter 1: The warning amused me. I read it till the end and realized that it was just about the fact Jongin married Kyungsoo HAHAHAHA U GOT ME

Anyways, the flow's neat. Although there were structures that sounded awkward, the goodness of the plot prevailed.

All in all, it was a good read.
amusingmurdermachine
#7
Chapter 1: First of all, I liked that you made the third son your focus and not the crown prince. I thought you'd make Jongin
And I like how you hit two birds in one stone by having a justification of the male x male pairing and setting your own rules for your very own royal au.

Your writing style could probably be improved if you really want to match the vibe of your setting, but personally, I think it's alright the way it is right now because it's easy to read. The details you put in it also made up for it.

So yep. Keep it up :)
KezMer
#8
Chapter 1: Oh this is really nice :). They have their own set of rules too hahaha.
OnceUponAnEXO
18 streak #9
Chapter 1: Ah, cute! I think the idea here is really sweet, and I'm glad Jongin was happy with how things turned out ( ⌒ヮ⌒)-♥

I would recommend that you maybe start using a beta though. Or find someone willing to go through your story with you and help clean it up a bit. There are a few places where you used the wrong tenses (for example, the "have" in the first line should be "has" instead. And the same for each time you use that line throughout the story), and some other grammar issues. Having someone help might not only help get you more readers, it can also help with learning the language. (^.^)b