In this dizzying world the reason I breathe it’s you~

“ Happy birthday… ” Jonghyun reads out loud with a sigh. He throws the nicely decorated card on the floor and picks up another one. 

“ Happy birthday… I wish you all the- ” The rest of the message is ignored with another flick of the wrist. 

Jonghyun picks up another card and another and another until the pile they had formed on the table was now a mess on the floor. He sighs to himself, again, depressed and unimpressed by all those ‘nice’ gestures. 

His hand reaches for the espresso he had taken the time to make himself right before settling in front of the wooden table. His fingers tap against the porcelain as if it was a keyboard, following the quiet and comforting rhythm of the rain tapping against his window. 

“ Happy birthday ” Jonghyun tells himself, the words breaking once again the silence in the room. The corner of his mouth raises into a crooked smile, a broken smile. He knows he should be happy; everyone is happy on their birthday. But he is not everyone. He’s the odd one. The one who cries too much, who has weird conceptions of this world and who prefers to be alone most of the time. He is the one no one would suspect has so much pain trapped into the body he has always found too petite, too delicate. He doesn’t hate himself, he just doesn’t feel like he belongs to this world.

A world so dizzying it makes his mind spin at night and his heart feel heavy during the day. Day and night, he feels weird, awkward and his birthday is just the landmark reminding him he has to endure these feelings for yet another year. The only silver lining he sees in the dark skies shading his soul is that is he has made it so far. 

'’ I’m still here ‘’ he congratulates himself silently, the smile he still has going on feeling a little more genuine.

He enjoys his silence and his espresso letting everything fall to the sidewalks of his mind. He only leaves one thing walk down the route of his consciousness. The thought has him dealing with this always weird cocktail of warmth and dread. 

Jonghyun feels himself get tense and nervous but most of all excited. He doesn’t want to call what he is feeling happiness to prevent himself from ruining it. Instead, he just keeps acknowledging that he is lucky enough to have been granted this endless blessing, to have been given another soul with whom to share his life with.

He looks at the clock on the wall facing him. '’Soon'’, he realizes. This only has his previous sorrow dilute into a surging pool of anticipation. He taps on his now empty cup, his sharp teeth diligently working his bottom lip. He gets more and more nervous with each passing second, with each passing minute. He knows his feelings haven’t changed, but part of him is scared the other’s have.

Their last encounter had been marred with a bittersweet feeling. A feeling that came from the knowledge that they weren’t going to see each other for weeks. Jonghyun had cried and had been held and comforted, but the feeling of loss he had felt after the other’s departure hadn’t been any less painful.

Thus, in this moment, Jonghyun can’t help but wonder if their reunion is going to live up to his expectations. He is left to wonder if he has dreamed all of it…

His heart jumps in his throat as the doorbell rings. He gets up, not minding the mess he has left on the floor. He is almost skipping to the front door, the sudden spark of joy inside him trumping any doubt he has had.

He opens the door and squints. He has been bathing so long in the dark that the sudden brightness that exudes from the other is almost too much. Before he can even utter a word, he is embraced by the warmth of the sun; by his sun. A happy sigh leaves his lips as strong arms wrap themselves tightly around his tiny waist. He hugs back, arms settling higher, comfortably around his lover’s neck.

“ Happy birthday ” Jinki says softly against his ear.

A shiver runs down Jonghyun’s spine as he is reminded of the hot buttery voice of his boyfriend. Of all the presents he has received, his voice is the only thing he needs.

He is the first to pull back from the embrace, wanting to lay eyes on the beautiful light that is Jinki. He only gets a clear view for a second before he is left blind with tears.

One of his hands grasps desperately at the front of Jinki’s jacket as painful sobs leave him.

“ What’s wrong, baby? ” Jinki asks, panicked. His arms have already found their way back around Jonghyun’s small frame, unconsciously rocking them back and forth in a soothing manner.

“ Nothing… ” Jonghyun croaks out between sobs. “ It’s just… ” He takes in a sharp breath. “ Thank you. ”

The words hit Jinki’s ears but he is not sure he understands. 

“ What? Why? ”

Jonghyun manages to even out his breathing with a few deep breaths. He is still holding on to Jinki as he puts his thoughts into words.

“ It’s just… you. You make me so happy. I’m so happy you’re here, ” he explains against the taller one’s chest.

“ Jjongie…” Jinki holds him even tighter, if that’s even possible. “ I should be the one thanking you for being born on this day. For coming into my life. ” The words are soft and sincere, a balm to Jonghyun’s doubts and fears.

Jonghyun looks up, eyes still watery. “ I love you. ”

Jinki smiles his widest smile. “ I love you too, Jjong. ’' 

Jonghyun pulls him in for a kiss, sighing as Jinki instantly claims his mouth hungrily. 

” Bed… “ Jonghyun mumbles before Jinki kisses him again.

Jinki nods into the kiss, taking his time to enjoy the sweetness of Jonghyun’s mouth, before he pulls back slightly.

Their eyes lock and Jonghyun feels like his heart is about to explode. He feels so happy, no not happy, blessed, lucky. He takes Jinki’s hand in his and drags him towards his room.

On their way, Jinki notices the pile of cards on the floor, but doesn’t say a word. He knows how Jonghyun feels about this particular day so if anything that kind of behaviour is to be expected. He is glad Jonghyun isn’t looking at him right now or he would see the sadness in his eyes. He just wants Jonghyun to be happy.

” I will make it better, baby, “ he silently promises himself as he is pushed down onto his mattress.

He flashes his brightest smile again, erasing any other emotion from his face.

” Happy birthday, baby. “ His words come with a soft caress on the other’s cheek, leaving Jonghyun a little flushed when he brings his hand down. 

Jonghyun feels so loved, so safe, he can’t help but smile.

” Thank you. “