Truthfully, you're not entirely sure where it started, nor why, but you know for certain something has changed in the way you view your best friend. That it's irreversible. 

And as much as the thought scares you, you're kind of in love with him. You're sure there's no 'kind of' about it, especially now that you’re both of university age and there's no more hiding behind the puppy crush excuse. As it is with attending the same university, you see him everyday, and the feelings are only deepening, not disappearing. 

It's a secret you feel you're going to be taking to the grave at this point, knowing he now has a girlfriend. Vaguely recent addition, but if the rumors are true, it seems the feelings are running deep between them and that it's unlikely they'll be breaking up any time soon.

You’d ask him yourself, but truthfully, you’ve been really upset that he’d never told you anything about her, or even that he liked someone. 

It's not the fact that he has a girlfriend that's perturbing you so much, though it does leave an uncomfortable twist in your gut at the thought, but more so how quickly the life you're accustomed to is dwindling and decaying, simple fragments remaining. Your family is away for even longer stretches of time than they used to be and they’re not half as inclined to spend hours on the phone with you, like they’d do when you were younger. 

You have your own apartment now, something Taemin helped you achieve, so you suppose it’s only natural that you’re expected to be more independent. But the fact was, you were used to being ‘independent’ with Taemin. He’d stay over so often, you’d even fall asleep in each other’s arms, he’d take you to so many places, just the two of you. 

You were as close to dating as dating got, without actually being together.

The truth was, as much as it hurts, and as much as you miss him, wishing to be in his girlfriend’s position, you're not about to break them up, demand he date you instead.

One because, you’d have to confess to someone who clearly didn’t feel the same, even though they’d been cuddling you, falling asleep with you and spending the vast majority of their time with you, since as long as you could remember... and two because you've never been the kind of person who’d throw an ultimatum like that -- a ‘it’s your girlfriend or me’ type scenario.

But seeing them, hearing about them, it hurt, it hurt a lot more than you knew possible, so you did what you thought was best, and that was to create distance. As much as you missed him.

You've conveniently been 'unavailable' in the instances he's tried to contact you, which is only backfiring, because he ends up spending more time with his girlfriend, simply nodding along to your bull justifications, unwilling to chase you up on it, or call you out on your jittery behavior, something you know he sees. 

She's his distraction, now. Taking the role you used to fill. But being a girlfriend at the same time, so what use did he even have for you any more? 

You hate what’s becoming of you and Taemin, and as much as you’re to blame for the distance, it’s not the worst thing to come of all of this.

You’ve begun to resort to partaking in... other activities to try take your mind off the loneliness that bubbles within you every time you think of them cuddled up together. How his fingers will be interlocked with hers, a blanket wrapped around them, by the fireplace. He'll be feeling somewhat insecure, you know he has something of a complex with his hands, thinking them too small, perhaps not masculine enough. It makes you wonder if she knows, if she'll comfort him, go out of her way to convince him his hands are fine as they are. Warm beverages will be present, as will even warmer tones.

It's a mental image that haunts you more often than you're willing to admit, these days. 

The unconscious fear of being unlovable has been something you've struggled with for a long time. There's a difference between being unlovable and undesirable, you think. The latter you are not, or at least that's what these random encounters are proving to you, the more you do them.

Just like the girlfriend, they're a vaguely recent addition. Not so frequent, but steadily becoming a habit, a bad habit. Risky, high adrenaline. You don't know the men you encounter, you don't want to know the men you encounter. The less you know about them, the better it is, you feel. The main point is there's no emotion involved and barely any identities. 

...Perhaps because it's easier to delude yourself into believing they'll morph into Taemin at any moment when you've no identity to give them.

But at the same time, there's a sick kind of thrill you receive in regards to the secrecy. Taemin has no idea you're there. He probably thinks you're at home, happily cuddled in, studying. Eating, maybe.

Probably too busy to call him and that’s why you haven’t hung out much lately. 

He has no idea that your have been strewn half way across the room, your lips parted in ecstasy. Unaware as how liberating each mindless feels, of just how naughty his platonic best friend can become, when the situation calls for it. A situation he’s likely never imagined you in, nor has any care to.

Not now that he has a beautiful girlfriend he’s apparently deeply in love with.

And not ever, because that kind of attraction with you just isn’t there for him. You may have questioned it prior to their getting together but it’s blatantly obvious now, that he’s never felt that way for you, and he never will. 

He’s just an affectionate best friend. 

As much as you'd exchange the unknown men for him in a fraction of a second, these random ual encounters are bringing you a something you're lacking in your daily life. It's just at this point, you're not entirely sure what that something is. Nor if it's healthy. Just that it's a good distraction method, not that the thoughts of him ever truly dissipate.

You spend the majority of the encounter pretending it's him, or wishing that he'd miraculously end up walking in on you and the random as the act progresses, watching as you unveil a side of yourself he has no idea exists. 

Impossible for three reasons. 

One, he doesn’t know these encounters are taking place. 

Two, you don’t tend to bring them back to your apartment, instead opting to go back to theirs or find a discreet spot in the backs of the club or in their car, or wherever is plausible. You don’t invite them back because you have an issue at the thought of complete strangers sleeping in a bed you’ve shared with Taemin, and along with that, the last thing you want with these men is a repeat encounter, especially if they turn out to be dangerous or clingy. 

Three, Taemin opted not to get an extra key, so he always has to knock when he visits. You’d have time to prepare for his visit, especially as of late.

But it does’t stop you from letting out a whimper at the thought. "Harder," you plead.

From what you've gathered from this one, he's a little older, entirely dominant. Probably a little too old for you, but you feel that makes the dynamic unfold easier. You told him you'd be his submissive little playtoy -- though your proposition was a lot more vulgar in terms of language -- if he agreed to take you so hard it'll make it so your surroundings blur and your senses numb. So far he's holding his end of bargain. A tight grip on your hair as he pounds into you from behind, each time you let out a whimper, his grip on you tightens.

"Mm babydoll," he sounds nothing like Taemin. The thought makes you cringe, pull back somewhat. You prefer it when they don't talk, because when they don't talk, you don't have to think about your circumstances. "You're so ing tight."

When you’re finished, he looks mesmerized. Sated. They always do. It’s an indication you’re getting good at this.  

He edges closer, inspecting your features. The lights are dimmed, he won’t be able to make out much. “I never got your name.” He’s definitely too old for you.

You shrug, demure. Men love demure. “It’s not like we’re going to see each other again.” You lean in closer, kiss him gently. “Thank you, though. You’re going to make a woman very happy in the future.”

Before he can continue the conversation, protest, or pull you in for a round two, you’ve already scooted off the bed, picked up your clothes. You put them on as quickly as possible and zoom out of the room.

Taemin barely glances at you the next day, having no idea what took place last night. And you can't explain why, but you feel a twinge of guilt bubble within you as you take in his angelic features, feeling as if you've wronged him, gone out of your way to betray him. You're not together, at least not in the romantic sense, but he's the closest person to you, the one that knows everything about you. You used to do everything together and he's the one you have feelings for, not these strange, random men.  

He's the one you wish to grow into a relationship of such endeavors with, the one you'd happily allow to touch you; run his hand along the curve of your waist, place lingering kisses on your neck, whisper sweet nothings in your ear as he holds you close and promises a brighter tomorrow. The more you think about it, the more it dawns on you that you've always felt something 'more' than friendship for your best friend, since as long as he’s been your best friend. 

Even worse, that you never even considered the thought of someone else ending up with him, because in your mind, it was always going to be the both of you, in a natural progression from the deepest of friendships to the most dedicated of lovers. 

And you'd always assumed that he felt it too. 

Because he was yours and you were his.

Until you weren't.
 

You two still talk when necessity strikes; as good as you are at disappearing, he's still your best friend and you still want him in your life, girlfriend or not. But time together has dwindled these past few months, due to both parties. When there's free time, his girlfriend takes main priority. During classes you share, she's the partner of choice. A place you believed would be reserved for you forever. That up until university, was reserved for you.

She's a nice girl, at least of what you know about her, but you're not friends and you're not going to pretend to be for the sake of your best friend. Somehow you feel it would be pretentious, or even desperate to do so. If a friendship is to develop, it should progress naturally, and that you’ll always hold to.

It does make you think, however. About Taemin and relationships, in which you’re not the forefront. In the instance of another ending up with Taemin, she's not who you would have ever envisioned for him. Not because you dislike her, but because it just doesn't... feel right. Seeing her with him, watching her interact with him, hearing her in passing as she speaks of him... 

Basically, you don’t think she’s ‘the one’, as much as Taemin’s trying to convince himself. His behavior in itself throws you off. He’d never mentioned her prior to when they started to date, and you’re sure best friends share crushes with each other, do they not? 

Something feels off about the build up to the arrangement. But it’s not something you can bring up, especially if you’re completely wrong and he’d liked her for so long he just didn’t want to mention it in case the feelings were unrequited.  

The last thing you want is to fall out with your best friend, so you’re not going to go out on a whim and risk it.

Fighting isn’t something the two of you do with each other. 

Sometimes you wonder if she's even aware of your existence. You know Taemin probably isn't thinking -- nor speaking -- about you when he's with her, much as it hurts to admit to yourself, and is probably where the jealousy begins to rear its ugly head. 

...And the fact that she can kiss him whenever she wants. 

But her existence in itself? You don’t have an issue with her, she does seem to be a genuine girl. And surely will be good for Taemin. 

You’re just out of loop on when these feelings surfaced and why you weren’t let in on any of it, until it was an already established thing...

He used to initiate so many of your conversations, but after multiple rejections -- or ‘convenient avoidance’ as such -- these days it’s all on you. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don’t. On the days you don’t, there’s no conversation. You’ve kind of becoming accustomed to that lately. You expect no otherwise.

So can’t hide your surprise when you see your estranged best friend leaning against the wall outside of your last class of the day. You do a lot of extra curricular, so tend to go home later than most other students. Hence why he can’t be waiting for anyone else. 

You walk over to the door, opening it for him, as you resist the urge to raise an eyebrow. Or envelope him into your arms and stay in said arms for as long as he'll allow you.