12:01 a.m.

Still struggling with the computer in front of me now. Trying to string words to make a decent lyric. But what I got was not even more than a verse.

Slurrppp.

I keep the coffee cup next to the 'mouse' to make it easier to reach. This is the third coffee I drank since the nine o'clock.

And finally I hit the long backspace key on my keyboard, erasing the lyrics I made. I give up. Looks like I need a break.

 

2.12 a.m.

It's been over two hours and I'm just lying on my studio sofa while playing my phone. Sometimes read articles and listen to songs. I hope inspiration comes into my mind as I do it. Sometimes feeling not working maximally makes me depressed.

 

3:00 a.m.

Suddenly Haewon's face erupted in my mind. Again. Why does it feel so often these days?

It's early in the morning. Is she awake?

"Yeobosaeyo?" the voice across there answered my call.

"Bogoshipeo."

"Oh, Nugu? - Ah, mian, " she said after realizing my voice. Maybe she already saw the ID call on her phone screen.

"Sorry to bother you again."

"Well, that's okay."

But I didn’t talk after that.

"Ehem," Haewon cleared silently. "What's happen? It's been three days since you call me in early morning," her voice hoarse.

"Nothing, i just- i'm just missing you."

"Don’t be kidding me," she said, half laughing softly.

"I don’t."

"Really?"

"I don’t know."

I heard her take a deep breath. "So?"

"I don’t know, all of a sudden all I could think of was that I should contact you now."

I want to hear your voice.

"You're okay, aren’t you?"

"Waeyo? I'm fine," I say half laughing.

"Goo-ohok, ohok! Ah, I'll have to drink." She coughing. And then i heard a lot of rattling noise.

I changed my position to being seated. Leaning my back on the couch. Looking for the most comfortable position to enjoy her voice again.

"Phew.. I'm done."

"How many hours have you been sleeping?" I asked.

"Hm.. Maybe it's been 5 hours. Last I remember, I saw your twitter around 9:30, maybe after that I immediately fell asleep."

Her voice wasn’t harsh now but very slowly, perhaps still sleepy. And, maybe also now she looks sweet with her waking face.

"You're not sleeping? Still making a song? And this, already.. em.. at three?!! Gosh! Yah! You're not sleeping??!!"

Very loud. I even keep the phone away from my ears. I'm afraid she'll wake the neighbors with her voice.

"I can’t sleep, my lyrics are not finished yet," as I put my phone to my ear again.

"Can’t you continue tomorrow?"

"Yeah, but it will ruining my other schedule."

"Take a break, don’t drink too much coffee, don’t be too pushy."

Wow! How did she know I drank a lot of coffee today?

"Arasseo," I say with a smile even though she can’t see me.

 

3:19 a.m.

"Haewon-ah," still with the phone.

"Wae?"

"Can you help me?"

"Mwoji?"

"Listen to me, just listen and don’t have to talk."

"Hm.. Okay, just do it."

I sighed after that.

"Okay, so, hm.. I'm trying to make a good song this time, not just a good song, but a song that inspires a lot of people, yeah, at least that's what I expect."

"It's been a week my sleep time is a mess. It's been a week since I've been late in any scheduled morning activity. And I've been getting a warning this week from Saejin hyung," I say, laughing bitterly while scratching the nape of a non-itchy neck.

"Just for a song I want to create. Because I'm not satisfied with the songs I've created before. And I'm getting depressed and disappointed of that."

"Hm.. So that's all I want to say. Hahaha, am I overwhelming? Sorry, all of a sudden I want to tell you."

But after that I didn’t hear Haewon's voice, not even the sound of her breath.

"Yeoboseo? Haewon-ah? Are you still there?"

"Pffttt .. You want me to caring you, don’t you?"

"Ck, It is not that."

"Are you okay? You're weird," she asked suddenly.

"Hm, wae?" I nodded, though once again I knew she couldn’t see me.

"Are you sure?" Her voice is a little different. I know she's worried now.

"Y-yeah, I'm okay."

"But I'm not," she said quickly, make me surprise.

"Hey, don’t worry, I'm fine, okay?" I said, intending to comfort her.

"Ah, molla, I hope you really really fine." I laughed at her. "Listen, your songs are amazing! I'm sure people will love every song you make and don’t be too pushy, remember, you're not a robot, you need a rest, quality rest," she explained.

"Arasseo, Gomawo."

 

3:41 a.m.

I walked over to my computer desk.

"So you're going to continue your sleep?"

"I don’t know, I'm not sleepy anymore, but maybe I’m gonna play my phone until I'm sleepy again.”

"Ah.. Haha. Geurae."

"Your schedule today, starting at what time?"

"There's only a dance practice schedule, starting at nine."

"Geurae? It will take a lot of time if you go back to the dorm. Then now turn off your computer and just sleep in your studio. You have three hours before getting ready for practice, hurry!"

"But I haven’t even done anything yet."

There was no response, and I knew exactly what the situation was like.

"Sleep or not?"

Okay, Haewon is angry. good.

"Alright, alright! I'll shut down my computer now and go to sleep, satisfied?"

"Good boy..." Her voice half laughed.

"Ck, I'm not your pet."

"Of course you're not, paboya." I roll my eyes with a sigh. "Ah matta, I'm planning to buy a book after school today at a bookstore near BigHit's building. I'll stop by your studio if I can," she continued.

“Alright, I'll wait. Bye Haewon-ah," I said before I hung up the phone.

"Bye, Joonie..."

I started turning off my computer, following what Haewon said. Then go to sleep. 

 

8:46 a.m.

"Namjoon-ah, you've come first." Hoseok's voice distracts me while doing strectching.

"Hm..."

"Namjoon hyung~" Jimin approached me while stretching his arms. He hugged me short, followed by Jin hyung, then Jungkook.

"I feel dorms being lonely because you always sleep in your studios this week. Yoongi hyung too, it's been three days," said Jimin glance at Yoongi hyung.

"Yup.. No broken glass sound or anything, dorm so feels lonely," Jungkook teased me, and Jin hyung laughed hearing it. I just rolled my eyes.

“Did you sleep soundly? You're not late today." Yoongi hyung teases me too.

"Quite soundly though only briefly," I shrugged. "Where’s Taehyung? You are not with him? Is he late?"

"I'm here, hyung. And I'm not late. I'm just off the toilet." Taehyung walks up to us.

"I'm glad you look better today." Hoseok patted my shoulder.

"Ah, geurae? I think I feel that way too."

And we started our practice for hours later.

 

2:58 p.m.

I just got into my studio. The practice was over half an hour ago. The other members were still in the dance practice room until me and Yoongi hyung went to our studio to change our clothes wet with sweat.

After changing clothes, I checked my phone. I remember Haewon sent a message this morning, said she will come to my studio this afternoon, but until now she didn't come yet.

 

8:00 p.m.

It was night, and Haewon still didn’t come yet.

Many times I checked my phone and contacted her but wasn’t picked up. And no more messages were sent to me. I was afraid something might happen to her. Even if she didn’t come, she usually told me, but this time there was not even any news since the last message she sent this morning.

I contacted her once more. But the result was the same. No answer.

Wants to come to her house to make sure she's okay, but this is not possible. Sasaeng fans and media journalists are just beginning to work at this time. And I didn’t call her home phone because I knew nobody was there. This week her parents are out of the country for work. So, at last I can only wait to hear from her while still - trying - to make a song.

 

11:57 p.m.

"The number you are calling does not ans-." I hanging up.

I don’t know how many times I contacted Haewon and still no answer from her until now. I've also contacted some of her closest friends, and the result is the same, no one answered my phone.

I hope she's okay.

 

2:44 a.m.

"God, I fell asleep. What time is it?"

I looked at the clock on my desk, then checked my phone again, hoping Haewon contacted me. But nothing.

"The number you're calling does not-" Again, only the voice of the operator responds.

It made me even more worried. I decided to buy coffee on the ground floor vending machine to get rid of sleep.

 

3:00 a.m.

I just came back after buying coffee. And again check my phone. There's nothing I can do besides that. Then my eyes wide open.

1 missed calls.

Haewonie♡

Seeing her name on my phone screen, made me dial her again.

"The number you're calling does not answer,"

"Isshhh jinjja! Wae irae? Neo eodiya?!" I say angrily.

Once again I tried to contact her, but again also the operator's answer I heard. It makes me even more annoyed.

 

Knock, knock.

The voice of knocking door distract me. And slowly the door opens. I think it’s Yoongi hyung. Who else will come to my studio in this early morning, besides himself and something that is there but not visible - I don’t think of the second option.

But all I see is Haewon with her messy hair, puffy eyes, and also the tear reflection that is on both cheeks because of the light. I didn’t do anything. My emotions muffled but also shocked me. The first time I saw her like this.

Haewon looks very chaotic.

As I woke up from my own mind, I approached her then closed the door, then grabbed her hands and pulled her into my studio as I walked backwards slowly. And stopped when it was felt in the middle of the room.

But Haewon continued her steps, until her head hit my chest. She wrapped her arms around me, hugged me tightly. I'm confused that I can only hug her back.

"Can you help me?" Her voice trembled, barely audible because of her face that she hid.

"Mwo?"

"Listen to me, and don’t have to talk," she pleaded.

"Hmm." Haewon paused after hearing my answer.

"I know life is hard. I really know. But, don't say you okay if you're not. Don't lie to yourself. Please. You're not alone. You have me, share with me. I'm here for you, always. Please.." I was stunned when hear it. Then her tears broke out.

Haewon's side I only found out after five years I knew her. Today she looks vulnerable. I just her hair and kissed her head, trying to calm her. I knew she was not finished yet.

"Yesterday in the afternoon, Yujin, you remember? My close friend swallowed all the medicine she had at her house, and housekeeper found it when Yujin's mouth was out foam. She's overdosed. She tried to commit suicide," she say when she's calmed down. My neck was shivering at her words.

"I was in the bookstore when I heard about it, and went straight to the hospital. I'm sorry I didn’t tell you. But, Yujin is not waiting for me. She still left when I arrived," she said.

"Yujin is gone." Her crying breaks again, making my clothes are wet with her tears. "I still can’t believe it. Even we met the day before she left. We talk a lot, we also laughed a lot that night. So what’s the problem? Why did Yujin choose such a path? I don’t know she had a hard time. And I wasn’t there for her. I'm disappointed. I feel like I'm failing to be a friend. And I remember you. I remember our phone conversation yesterday." Haewon still hides her face, but slowly the crying subsided. I listen still while her hair.

I wondered what if I was in Yujin's position. Will Haewon be like this? To tell you the truth, it ever crossed my mind to do the same thing that Yujin did because of my life that I think is very heavy. Haewon never knew if I had a problem.

But, apparently doing so would only make others blame themselves. Add another burden to them because they feel disappointed. And worse, make them do the same thing.

Haewon raised her head, looked up at me, exposing her swollen face from crying too much. I smiled and wiped away the tears left in her eyes.

"You know you have me, right? I'll be here for you If it feels hard, don’t pass it alone. I don’t want to be disappointed for a second time. Hmm?" Tears streamed again slowly. And again I wipe it with my finger. She finished talking.

"Hm, geurae." I nodded. "You know, I'm not okay till you come here. But now, I’m fine. I'm really grateful to have you in my life. Don’t feel disappointed, you've become a good friend, even in the her last day with you. You’ve do it well. Yeah, life is tough, my life is tough, but now I'm fine. Thank you."

Haewon looked up at me again. "You did well, thank you," she repeated my words while smiling thinly.

"Yesterday Jin hyung said to me, 'think good, then that comes to you is good, you will receive good thing' as he said. So, let's think positive, I'm sure Yujin is happy now. Tomorrow we’ll visit Yujin to pay our last respects, okay?" And Haewon nodded with a smile.

Then I hugged her again for how long.

 

4:09 a.m.

"Looks like I know what to make a song like," I said in the middle of a hug.

"Like always. I've always inspired you. Do you like me so much? Yes, I admit, I'm your inspiration," she chuckled.

"Hearing your words seems that you're okay now." I let go of my embrace. Haewon then looked at me smiling.

"I try to convince myself that I've done my best. I hope Yujin is happy now."

I smiled at her, then kissed her forehead. 



 

 

I'm so grateful to have you.

Thank you for everything you've done for me.

Thank you for being my 03:00 a.m thought.

Thank you for being my inspiration.



 

 

EPILOG

 

4:09 p.m.

3 months later, finally my work is fruitful. Later the agency released my first mixtape album. I still can’t believe I can do it in no time.

BAM!!

"Oh my God. You can ruin my door!" I say, screaming at once.

Haewon slams the door of my studio and hurries in. I was sitting on the sofa, reading a book as she came in.

"Yah!" Haewon sat down next to me. I didn’t answer. Little upset with her behavior. "I can’t believe this is what I'm made. Daebak!" She said happily as she brandished my mixtape album.

"Excuse me, you make it? Yah! That's my album!"

"But I'm the one who inspired you, you remember?"

"Not in all the songs."

"Still, this album is a blessing for me." She crossed her arms across her chest proudly.

“Yeah, yeah, just up to you," I surrendered. I was being lazy to argue.

Haewon then shifts the seat. She raised her legs onto the couch and leaned her head on my left shoulder.

   

“I know the songs are you made is from your heart. You've been through a hard time. And you've worked hard. Later, there's going to be another tough thing to come. So, from now, don't walk alone, don't get sick alone. Okay?"

I closed the book that I was reading and put it on the table, making Haewon lift his head.

"Mwoya?" she said, confused as I hugged her.

"Thank you for always there by my side. And once again thanks for being my inspiration."

"I know," she chuckled, "I didn't come to say that," she continued. "Can you replace the cover of your album? You look ugly. Is that chocolate that covers half of your face?"

"Not again." I let go off of my embrace and walked away leaving her.

"Yah! Where are you going?! I'm not done yet!" shouted Haewon. "You're too y on that cover and I don’t like it! What if there's another girl who likes you?! Yah!! Namjoon-ah!!!

 

***