I walk back to my room for what seemed like the seven hundredth time, with a cardboard box in my arms. I set it down and sit on my bed before I fix up the last of my things.

We are all so excited to be able to move into our new apartment soon but I didn’t realize how much stuff I have. It’s kind of a pain to go through all my things to decide what to take with me or not. The other members are also struggling, and I’m doing my best to help everyone out.

“Hobi hyung, I’m almost done… What about you?” I ask him. “Hyung?”

He peeks from inside our walk-in closet. “I’m still deciding on my clothes…”

I trudge towards him and am surprised to see a sea of empty boxes and clothes strewn about.

“Hyung! What happened?” I ask. The room looks totally ransacked.

“I’m having a bit of trouble choosing what to take with me,” he says, scratching his head.

I laugh openly at his indecisiveness. “It looks like a storm went through here,” I say in between laughs. “Okay, hyung, I’ll help you. I helped Taehyung and Jungkookie with their clothes too. I’ll just finish packing my stuff,” I tell him with a smile.

A big smile spreads across his face hearing my promise. “Then hurry! Thank you Jimin! Paaaa—paparapapa…” He makes cute noises as he starts to pick up some of his clothes off the floor.

I walk back to my own mess and pick up the box that I brought with me from outside. Alright. Let’s get this over with.

I saved the heaviest things for last. I sigh deeply and sit in front of my shelf. Before me are literally my memories. All my high school yearbooks, all my childhood photos, and all my favorite books. As for the books—I take my phone and make a list of the titles that I can’t part with and decide to purchase digital copies instead. I pile all them all into one box and label them as giveaways.

I haven’t seen my yearbooks and photos in so long. I can’t believe I even have these with me but my Dad insisted some time ago on sending these over. He said it will help me remember my roots no matter how successful I become. He’s so sweet but I’ve never really looked through them until now. I pick up my burgundy childhood photo album. The cover is well-worn and loved. I flip open the pages to see the many faces of people from a time gone by. And then I come across a picture of Her…

None of this is a coincidence

I haven’t thought about Her in so long. That’s weird to realize, when there was a time in my life that she was the biggest part of my heart.

The world is different from yesterday

My eye goes to a picture of Her and I drawing with chalk in the driveway of my parents' house.

We met when we were children. Her family lived right next to mine and that made it so easy to spend time with each other. Our friendship was natural and easy, both of us not having a care in the world. I remember so many afternoons we spent laughing, and sometimes arguing, with each other. She hated me for endlessly teasing Her but all I wanted was Her attention. We would run home from school to play and talk together. She was my best friend. Things were much simpler then.

We bloom til it gets cold
Maybe it’s the way of the universe

The next picture of us in the same spot on the driveway, this time in our high school uniforms, in a tight embrace.

I think we knew from the start that we were fated to end this way—I know she did. When I told Her that I could spend forever holding Her, she said that I shouldn’t say such things; that we should just enjoy our love while it lasted. It made me so upset. I thought it meant that she didn’t feel as strongly for me as I did for Her. I couldn’t understand that she already knew that there were things in store for me that were bigger than the both of us. I still don’t know how she knew, but she did. Our time together was like a star: it burned so brightly that others were illuminated by it, and then abruptly burned out and died. It turned cold even before I realized that it did. I kept telling myself that this was the way things were meant to be, to comfort myself. This is how it was meant to be.

You and me, I am you

I reach for my high school yearbook and see another picture of us in dance class.

Suddenly the memory of Her smile fills my mind. I can still remember the way she smells, the way she moves, the way she shined. It happened quickly and deeply. I saw Her standing at the doorway of our classroom, clasping her backpack with one hand as she waited for me like she always did. She wore Her hair the way only she could, in a messy bun with a pink barrette on one side. Her head was cocked to the side, with a smirk on Her face. She was teasing me again about being the last one out of the room, still fixing my things. The moment she said it, I realized that I stayed behind on purpose just to have extra time alone with her. It dawned on me that I anticipated this moment for the entire day every single day. All I wanted was to walk home with Her, talk about our day, share our memories and our dreams, our struggles, laugh like nothing else in the world mattered. That’s when it hit me—I love Her. I love everything about Her. I never looked at Her the same way again.

I told Her that day, too. Once I knew, I wanted to spend every possible second making Her feel as special as she was. I spent half the time walking home in silence, thinking about how I would tell Her. I will never forget the way she looked when I did. She asked if I was feeling well. I stopped under the big oak tree near the park and bared my heart to Her. She listened intently until I finished speaking, and said nothing. My heart almost stopped waiting for Her response. I was expecting Her to be shocked but she really wasn’t. She looked up at the tree and after a few moments a smile spread across Her face. “Alright," she said. "We’re together now, then,” taking my hand. It was as if she already knew. To this day, it’s one of the happiest moments of my life.

I am scared, just as much as my heart flutters
Because destiny keeps getting jealous of us

Every memory together was pure terror. I was so deliriously happy with Her, that I lived every single day petrified that I would lose Her. Even when I was younger, I never believed that such happiness could be real. The universe has a way of keeping things balanced and I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think so did she. I would sometimes catch Her looking at me with a wistful look in Her eye, like she was saving everything. To be honest, the only reason I noticed is because I would look at Her the same way too. I would take in every single thing, just in case it doesn’t work out in the end. Life is cruel that way.

Cause you love me
And I love you

Every memory together was pure magic. Things were so easy between us. Since we already knew everything there was to know about each other, we never got surprised by the other’s personality or reactions. The simple reason was that I loved Her more than any argument we could ever have. I was seen and accepted for everything that made me who I am—warts and all. All I wanted was to make Her feel the same way.

You are my penicillin
You saved me

When I made the firm decision to make music, she made it clear that she would not be joining the next phase of my life. I thought I would die without Her. I was willing to let my dreams go just to stay next to Her, but she wouldn’t let me. She was adamant that it would be better this way. I told Her that I would be content with a simple life if I only had Her by my side. But she knew me better than I knew myself. She knew that I would never forgive myself for not chasing my dreams. I wanted to hate Her, but I couldn’t. The tears streaming down Her cheeks let me know that she was hurting too. She walked away from me under that same oak tree. That day, I was destroyed. I didn’t know it then but that day, she did the best thing for the both of us.

Ever since the universe was first formed
Everything has been planned

My life now is greater than anything I could ever have imagined it to be. And it’s mostly thanks to Her.

I can’t help but wonder how she is. Curiosity gets the better of me as I search for Her on SNS and click on Her name. She looks different now—more mature but more beautiful that I ever remember. I look through Her profile as I am confronted with the fact that life has gone on for Her without me. But I am elated to see that she is enjoying life to the full. There are tons of pictures and posts of friends and family, and Her exhibits and other work as an artist. As I scroll down more, I see a shared post of an article about me. The caption reads: “I am always proud of you.” I smile to know that she still thinks fondly of me.

Just let me love you

The truth is, I taught myself to not think about Her anymore because it hurts too much.

I begged Her not to leave me. There is nothing more hurtful than knowing you love each other but not being able to work things out. I told her everything I thought she wanted to hear just to get Her to stay, but nothing worked. There was only one thing that my heart was crying out for—I just wanted to love Her. I just wanted to keep loving Her. But the thing is, she wanted to do the same for me. And she was convinced that the best way she could do that was to let me go. She made up Her mind. There was nothing more I could do or say.

Let me love, let me love you

My finger hovers over the friend button. Is it a good idea to touch base with Her? I look at Her profile again and change my mind.

Maybe that was the end of the road for us, or maybe it wasn’t. Who knows? I decide to let destiny take the wheel. If it’s meant to happen for us, then it will. There’s nothing more for me to do but live the life she released me to the best way I know how.

I put everything into the cardboard box. I pack up the dreams and the emotions that go with these memories. Maybe the time will come when we will both be free to go back to what we had. Maybe, if we’re as lucky as I believed we were. For now, I am happy to treasure the past and love my life as it is now.

I seal the box with a smile.

“Jimiiiin, help me,” I hear Hobi hyung call out.

I take the box out of my room and put it with the other boxes to be taken to the new apartment. I stand there for a moment as I take in its contents one last time.

“I’ll be right there, hyung!”

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