Summer, 2018

I feel numb. It's not supposed to feel like this, right? I just broke up a few days ago, but every time I lay down on my bed at night, when I thought that I'm going to cry, no tears would come out. 

I feel empty. Each time I wake up in the morning, I immediately feel like an empty shell who's just going to spend the rest of the day without feeling nor really seeing a thing.

Then, when I see you. It's still there. The old flutter, the same butterflies. Only something has changed, you're not mine anymore. You are out of reach, keep getting further and further from my grasp. 

Sometimes I wonder, do you feel it too? These things that I need to go through each day, with random thoughts of your face whenever I listen to each line of those lyrics. Trying so hard to turn my attention away from the suffocating air in my chest that hurts like hell, only to have everyone around me mentioning your name. You were revolving in my life before, and I can't believe you still are now, even after you said those hurtful words to me, that each sentence feels like bullets shooting right into my heart.

Of course, you wouldn't understand all of it, I bet you don't even feel anything about it. Maybe you're feeling even happier to be able to get rid of me, to finally set free. All that left is a fool like me who'd still cherish all the memories, not forgetting every single of it. How you made me see the other side of the world that I never took notice before, how you'd comforted me in your own way although sometimes I'd get annoyed by that, nor how you'd let me know about your dreams and things that you passionate about by showing them to me, or even the way you'd blow me away with the sound of the soothing melody of your music.

You made me think that I made the right choice for a while but then you also quickly proved me wrong. Ignoring me all of a sudden, disappeared without letting me know if you're alright, the texts even felt colder than usual, there weren't any playful bickering nor the caring little things. It seemed like you're bored of me, and was that even my fault? You didn't try to fix it like what I did, you didn't fight for us like how I tried to do, you just gave up and chose to surrender, letting go of me.

Why didn't you try? Even for a bit. Did I look like a toy to you? You tossed it away immediately after you won the game. If I knew you'd do that without fighting, I wouldn't let you waste your time on me, because I'm not worth it. That's how it was. 

You said I'd definitely find someone who'd accept all of me, who'd take even good care of me. I accepted you when you confessed to me, I didn't think about anything, just the feeling in my chest, then if you won't be the one to return the action, then why did you ask me out, why did you said you like me, if you didn't even mean it. I never would understand the answer to that, how a feeling could change so fast, in a blink of an eye.

I want you to know, I haven't shed a tear after that night. Not for once, because I can't. I want to let out all of my emotion so I wouldn't suffer anymore but I can't. I know that I'm hurting, I know it pains my heart whenever I see you, but my body is already too numb to react to all of that. There's a sad smile on my face, an empty stare all the time, a stoned face is replacing my usual cheerful one. It feels so hard to smile these days and even harder to cry my eyes out. 

Whenever I met you ag