Seulgi wakes up with the usual feeling of someone's face buried on her neck and arms wrapped around her waist.

Seungwan

She sighs as she looks at the ceiling, gnawing her cheek to distract herself from the warm breath hitting her neck, holding her breath as she hopes to have the scent of peaches be replaced by the scent of hyacinth she's been longing.

Seungwan snuggles closer as if she doesn't want to wake up soon. Seulgi sighs again.

Seungwan...

How she wishes she's Seungwan so Joohyun would love her.

Seungwan

How she wishes the girl next to her is Joohyun. So Seulgi shuts her eyes enough for her to make herself believe that if she opens her eyes, Seungwan's going to replaced by Joohyun. But it's just what she wishes to believe because the time she opens her eyes, Seungwan's still Seungwan. Seungwan's still pulling her closer like she doesn't want to let go.

But Seulgi's slowly lifting Seungwan's arm off her to free herself from. She sits up on the edge of the bed looking back at Seungwan who is sleeping peacefully and quietly. And before Seulgi even realizes, she's crying. Because she understand why her ex girlfriend likes the girl. Maybe even love her.

Seungwan is pure and soft. Seungwan is beautiful. How can she hate a person so inncocent in her own slumber? So Seulgi's hating on herself instead because she can't push the girl away so she doesn't hurt anymore.

It's harder than she thought. Especially the fact that the girl considers her her bestfriend. Especially when she makes her nights less lonely without Joohyun.

She should go before the girl wakes up because she knows that Seungwan would beg for her to stay for a bit. And Seulgi has problems with saying no. And if she settles next to Seungwan's arm she's gonna end up crying this time. She doesn't want anyone seeing her cry especially Seungwan.

She slowly slip away from Seungwan's side, packing her stuffs and quietly heading to the sink to wash her face. If she can't push Seungwan away then she'll push herself away from the girl instead.

Tying her hair into a bun, she brushes her teeth as she tries to only be occupied with the thoughts she'd want to do when she gets home. Things she'd do like to do when she's finally alone again without warm arms wrapping around her.

She then sits on Seungwan's empty bed to dress herself up quietly. She puts her socks on, then her skinny jeans. She wears her padded jacket over her plain black shirt tucked in her jeans. She slips her sneakers on and proceeds to take her stuff with her trying to not look back at the girl in peaceful slumber.

Seulgi just stands infront of the door for a while, her hands on the doorknob ready to twist. But something's holding her back. Maybe it's the feeling of having to atleast say goodbye. Because it feels like a responsibility to not just disappear out of nowhere. Because Seulgi feels bad. Both for Seungwan waking up to a cold space next to her and to herself for being too complicated and unsure of how to push Seungwan away and why she can't.

So Seulgi walks away from the door, grabbing a pen and a fresh piece of paper, writing down words so she doesn't regret her actions later on. And Seulgi hopes after this, she can finally try to not get too attached with the girl. Distance herself a little bit. To avoid feeling the same when Joohyun broke up with her. Seulgi's so sure it's going to hurt twice as much when she sees her bestfriend and ex girlfriend together.

Seulgi sits on the edge of her bed, leaving the note on the bedside table. And then she's caressing Seungwan's face, kissing the latter's forehead as she does.

Kang Seulgi, what the are you doing?

She mentally curses at herself before she's pulling away and walking out of the room.

Seungwan wakes up to a note that reads:

"Wan. Hey. I'm leaving before you. I have to go earlier than expected. Stay safe and enjoy your winter break.Don't forget to hug Yerim at night ^_^."

It's a lie though. Seulgi sits outside in the cold for two hours waiting for her mother to pick her up. It's better than having Seungwan snuggle closer to her, right?

Right.

A whole two hours of waiting when her mom finally arrives. She hops inside the car and the first thing her mom does is calling her a dyke for what she's wearing. She doesn't understand how and why. She keeps mum but the woman in the driver's seat wouldn't stop criticizing her looks and her performance at school.

"I told you not to eat a lot. Look at you! You've gotten fat!"

"Why are you so tan? I told you not to go out in the sun!"

"Your grades are terrible!"

"What are you wearing? I told you to stop dressing up like a guy."

"You need to wear more dress."

Seulgi does nothing but pretend like she's not hearing anything. She acts like she's used to it because this is not the first time this happened so she tries to act like a nice kid by not saying anything but talks back inside her head.

I actually lost weight.

I'm in the sports team, what do you expect?

My grades fall on average.

How does someone dress like a guy?

Wear dress in this weather?

Once the the woman in the driver's seat stopped talking, Seulgi put on her earphones to block all the unnecessary noises away.

Seulgi is dropped off by her mom at their house. Her mother's a busy woman who runs one of the major companies in the country. She quickly runs upstairs to her room, locking herself from the world. Finally, she's alone. A space twice bigger than their dorm room all to herself. Yeah, she'd rather be here than have a certain someone's face buried on her neck.

Now what? What is there for her to do? Maybe she should start getting used to avoiding Seungwan? Oh no. Oh God no. She should better stop thinking about her. She's alone for a reason. She waited outside in the cold for two hours for a reason.

Stop thinking, Seulgi.

So she stops. She only lies on her bed, sprawled, and listens to the silence. She stays in that position for a bit until she's getting up to search for her phone to contact Joohyun.

No response.

Maybe the girl isn't even awake yet. She sighs. This is getting lonely. Usually. She's got someone to talk to. Usually she's got someone to listen to talk nonstop. Usually she's not alone. Usually she's not lonely. So why? Why does it feel like she's back to square one again? Why does it feel like she's fresh from a painful breakup? She doesn't understand. Seulgi doesn't think she'll ever understand.

Stop thinking you dimwit.

She rests her palms on her forehead, closing her eyes, exhaling to clear out her thoughts. Thoughts she doesn't think will go away soon. Goddamn thoughts.

Seulgi stays still on her bed, this time she doesn't think until she falls into her own slumber. A lonely slumber.

Seulgi fell asleep tired and woke up tired. She gets up to check the time.

8:27 pm

Did she slept for 10 hours? Is she really that tired? Seulgi blames the thoughts. She changes her clothes when she realized that she's still in her "dyke" outfit and finally decides to come out of her room. The house is quiet with only meek chatters heard from the maids. She heads out to the kitchen for dinner. It's lonely. Usually, she eats meals with Joohyun and the rest. The food is too fancy for her liking, too unappetizing but she eats it anyway. Atleast she's got food to eat.

The maids keep her company most the time. No matter how much she wants to befriend them, the maids can't drop the formality. She tells them to call her Seulgi instead of the Ms. Kang bull. But it's hard for them especially when her mom keeps ing about maids should only be maids to serve the family.

Seulgi heads back to her room to take a long bath because it's not like there's much for her to do. Joohyun's probably busy spending her day with her family and then here she is, waiting for her parents to come home to maybe plan something to do for Christmas and New Year. And she hopes it's not gonna be a formal dinner with some unknown relatives and her mom setting her up with a "friend's son" for the future because Seulgi doesn't even take interest in men.

Seulgi's winter break consists of the same routine of waking up whenever she feels like it, skipping meals most of the time to stay in her room and play the same video games from her console, checking her phone if she's got any messages from Joohyun, sleeping again because being lonely is so tiring, waking up for dinner, going back to her room to have atleast an hour dip in the bathtub, waiting for her parents to knock on her door to tell her their plans, and thinking. Seulgi's winter break would never be complete without the thoughts coming nonstop. She thinks a lot and it's hard for her not to.

As much as she's ashamed to admit, she cries herself to sleep unknowingly. She just lies down and then suddenly her pillow is soaked and she's laughing like being hurt is funny. Moving on is hard for Seulgi. She's heard from people that it will take time, you just have to wait. But for God's sake it's been two years. What is she doing wrong?What's wrong with her. What's with Joohyun that she can't let go of?

Joohyun doesn't even feel anything for her anymore. She's so sure of it but her stupid self keeps wishing that even a tiny tiny tiny tiny bit, she still have feelings for her. But the latter keeps talking about the person she's trying to keep herself away from.

Seungwan

Is she sending her messages? All Seulgi is receiving are pictures of Joohyun and where's she's been to. No words, just pictures and Seulgi doesn't know if it's a good thing or not. Thinking about what she's probably sending Seungwan pains her. Is she sending her goodnight messages or does she greet her. Seulgi stops thinking and lets her fists go numb at how much she's gripping her knuckles.

Is she... mad? Is she jealous? Yes.