Hi all…

It’s been awhile since the last time I write here. Was it 2 years ago? Three years ago? I hit a writer block and couldn’t write. Every time I open my laptop and a blank page was displayed in front of me, I started to blank out. I couldn’t type anything. And it was killing me inside. I started to run away from writing. Busying myself with works, taking any shift available in my office, to the point I collapse from exhaustion. It was in early 2016 I believe. Then my mother put my work on hold and forced me to quit my job, and had a long home rest for 3 months. Thankfully, my company was really nice to me and agreed to accept me back three months later and I started to work again after I got better.

At that time, I still couldn’t write. As much as I want to, I couldn’t. There were so many ideas running in my mind, and it depressed and haunted me. Because since before, writing was an outlet for me to separate the real life and imagination. It was a safe place for me to differentiate which was real and wasn’t. That’s why this writer block hit me so hard. I gained some peace reading stories, especially stories about SHINee. SHINee themselves help me a lot, through their music. One thing that I like the most was, is watching their interaction with SHINee World. It heals me and since then SHINee World has become my safe place. I know I’ve been here since 2013, but 2016 was the time when I finally can feel, I can finally say that SHINee World is my 2^nd family. They and SHINee help me a lot through my darkest time.

A month ago, we lost someone so dear to us. The first time I heard the news, I couldn’t believe it, I thought it was just hoax. I refused to believe until SM gave their statement. And when SM did release theirs, I still couldn’t believe it. I cried the whole night to the point I puked out all of my food I had that day. I cried myself to sleep. I only had 2 hours of sleep, a restless sleep before I woke up startled remembering that he wasn’t here anymore. I stayed awake after that. I read all of the news, I forced myself to read it all, because I was scared. When I read SM’s statement, my world seemed crumbling, I couldn’t breathe and one thing I scared the most, I wanted to end my life too. I was so scared of that thought, a thought that I constantly had in 2015 and now they were back. I was so scared so I prayed, I came back to God that night and prayed. For his peace, for my sanity, for SHINee, for shawol. I prayed the whole night and indeed it calmed me down a little. It was still hard, though I calmed down a little, it still hurt but I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t eat anything for 4 days and I lost 13 punds. When they had the burial and I saw the video of them bringing out the coffin, I cried. I cried in my office bathroom and didn’t come out until 1 hour.

I have myself clear with my bias in SHINee, it is Onew. But everyone is important for me. And Jonghyun, he held a really special place in my heart. In my head, Onew, Jinki is perfect with every imperfect things about him. But Jonghyun seemed so real to me, so human, and I can imagine myself to be his friend. We all saw the symptom of his depression, we were all aware. That was why when I say I can see myself to be his friend because without any mean to compare myself to him, I also have a depression too. I came to peace with that fact and accept it. It was so easy imagining myself to have a coffee with him, talking about nothing and everything. His song never failed to accompany my day, as it was set as a playlist on my phone. A playlist consisted of his solo songs only. His presence had become so important and his value started to be as important as Jinki. He became my muse and my inspiration.

Now a month has gone yet I don’t know why it felt longer than that. Every single day passed just as hard as before. But I started to hear his song again. I started to play that playlist again, and I constantly look up to the sky at night. Every single night. Some asking me if I still feel hurt, how could I keep listening to Jjong’s song, looking at his picture and watching his video? His song, his picture and his video were the only way for me to feel his presence. It’s his legacy and I will never let go of them. I will keep listening to them, I will keep looking at his picture, and I will keep playing his video. Those has his presence and I won’t ever let them go. Forever.

With help from shawol and my family, I’m on my way to heal myself. The wound is fresh and when it heal, it will leave a big scar. But it’s okay, I don’t want it any other way. There will be a big hole in my life, a hole that can’t be dented with anyone. But I’m trying to get back on my feet. Our boys too, are starting, are trying to go back on their feet. I was so proud of them, of their strength, of their will. And I too want to be their strength. Key even personally ask a favor to us to support them just like before. Even without his request, I’ll be here. I will be here when they fall, I will be here when they cry, I will be here when they laugh, I will be here when they happy and I will be here when they struggle. I will be here until I lose my ability to breath.

I don’t know if I ever be able to come over my writer block, but the will is there. I want to write again. I want to believe myself that I will write again. In the near future I hope.

I want to hold on to our boys words. As our leader said, Jonghyun will always be SHINee’s member and as long as we remember him, nothing will change. And Key also said that he want to gain strength and keep Jonghyun’s presence as they promote rather than trying to fill up his space. Uri Minho too said that he believe on Jonghyun to be on all of their stage that SHINee will be on in the future and also believe that shawol will give them strength. And lastly uri Taeminie said that he didn’t want to part away with the boys and shows SHINee’s awesome stage and performance to Jonghyun.

I know, we know the future won’t be easy, they will feel hurt, and they will feel lost. It will be hard, harder than anything they ever know. But we are here. Shawol are here, their friends, Jjong’s umma are there. Let’s support our boys, let’s transfer all of the positive energy, let’s be their strength.

Lastly, a paragraph has become my favorite quote and give me so much strength. It’s no other than our leader’s words:

“No matter who you are, what you do, remember that there will be someone who loves you more than you love yourself. I will cheer on you. I love you.”

I love you SHINee, I love you Shawol… Tomorrow too, I’ll try to be a better me and keep loving you.

Jinki fighting.. Kibum fighting.. Minho fighting.. Taemin fighting.. Umma Kim and Seodam Unnie fighting.. Shawol fighting..

Jonghyun-ah, thank you for everything. It’s our turn to return the 9^th years full of love to you. You did really well, Jonghyun. You were, are our pride. Rest well there. Rest peacefully. I’ll love you and miss you everyday.. Saranghae..