You still remember how his touch felt. As if it was still lingering on you. Hands sliding down your waist, encasing you in his embrace. While he rested his head on your chest. Nose buried deep in between your neck. His mouth fell apart, as his breath fell in sync. And light snore could be heard. Both of your limbs tangled in bed. You thread your fingers through his hair, knowing well he loves it. Even though, he would denial it and never admit it out loud. But once your finger tread through his hair, fingernails scraping across his scalp. He would crave in and within moments, he would be sound asleep.
Hence, he would always be lying in your arms, looking so vulnerable and peaceful. Because with you, he doesn’t have to hide anything. He doesn’t feel the need to put up an image. You’re his safe heaven. The only place he could put all the mask away. The only place he could finally just be himself.
You have no idea how both of you even started. You remember you successfully passed your audition. The next thing you know you’re in Korea, as a trainee introducing yourself to the rest of the trainee. Going through your next step in life. That’s when you saw him. Maybe it was because you see the light in him. While he saw the darkness in you. Your eyes met with a boy sitting right at the back. As if he was not supposed to be here. His back was practically glued to the wall and scrunch down. As if trying to make himself look small. And when your eyes met. You noticed, among the cold exterior he portrays, you saw a boy trying to find himself. Seeking for help even. Eyes screaming more than his words or action could. Battling with things people could not see. Trying to hide everything within himself. Because you know that look, how it felt as if it was still fresh in your mind. The battles you had with yourself, beating yourself up and being so hard on yourself. You’ve been there before.
While, when his eyes met yours. He looks like he was thinking of something. As if contemplating if you just look past all his shields. As if asking you if you’ve been there, looking past your shields as well. That was when both of you felt the connect. As if starting to trust each other without speaking. You sit next to him for the rest of the practice. And it continued from there. You had to share a dorm with all the trainee because, the company was not big. And the could not afford to get 2 dorms to spilt it between girls and guys. Thus, stolen gaze turns to small gesture. From there, small talks turn to something more. A start of a new blooming friendship.
He relied on you a lot and he was very shy to talk to anyone. You help him mend his broken pieces. You help pull him out of his dark place that was drowning him. Due to all the pressure both of you were facing being a trainee. You’ve always been the better one at dealing with pressure and situation. That’s why you’re his safe haven. But everything changes when you fell for him. Your best friend. Yes, both of you were just friends, trainees, colleague, competitors.
But sometimes you forgot the pain that comes with loving your best friend. Especially when you’re occupied with vocal, acting and dancing training with him. It was only when he got too close like this. Sleeping on you while you tread your finger through his hair, you realise it. He was the kindest, most warm-hearted person you have ever known. Even though his doesn’t show it and tend to scare everyone with his looks. These moments would always fill you with delusions. Because to you these moments of him seeking comfort from you, mean more than just a friendly thing.
What was worst was that you needed to switch to another co-operating label. It was drop to you like a bomb suddenly. You didn’t know what to felt, you should be happy. It was a larger label and they have already got a slot for you for the upcoming debuting girl group they have gathered. But you felt sad, even broken. As if you’re going to lose part of you. You when back to the dorm that day without speaking any word to him. And obviously he knew something was up.
That’s when everything got worst, as if it was not bad enough for you. He confronted you and you burst out in tears infront of him. Telling him about needing to switch to another label. He told you he was happy for you and he would miss his best friend. You never though those words could hurt so much. It was then you pour out your feeling to him. You had no idea why. Maybe you just needed to get it out. Telling him you saw him more than your best friend. How you fell for him and you didn’t know what to do. And it hurts you that he wasn’t going to there anymore. And that’s was when you saw his shocked expression. His shock, to confuse to pity face. He pities you. And all he could gather and say was ‘I’m sorry’. And walked away.
Both of you stopped talking after that. Avoid each other at all cost for the whole week. Until you’re finally dragging your luggage out of the dorm. Even then, he didn’t say anything. No goodbye from him, not even a text. And you’re gone from the dorm for good.
-
That was 2 years ago. And now you’re here on the stage alone. Missing the presence of your members. You debuted a year and a half ago. While he debuted with your ious label just 2 months in your departure. This year and a half you’re lucky that both of your comeback was not near and did not crash with each other. Hence, you never had to deal with seeing him again. And just a year in you’ve started writing your own lyrics. Learning to compose a track from your producer. It was required for all your members. Because they wanted each member to have their own solo song to perform.
Thus, you’re here on the stage alone. Your group first ever concert. And you swear that people from your ious label was here sitting in the audience somewhere. You couldn’t think, you shouldn’t think of him looking at you perform. Especially the song was written with the thoughts of him. As the music started playing and lights shine on you. You kept your eyes close, trying to pour your soul singing the song you pour your heart in to.
//Through the noise that washes over me, I walk, I walk
With the hopes that you’ll be there, I walk, I walk
A corner of my heart that feels so empty
Left with warmth and traces of something
And all the memories that are like
The dust that rises and follows my footsteps
Me without you, I’ve become so miserable
You don’t know
You don’t know about me
Oh Baby I’m eating just fine
And I don’t miss you at all Oh
Just like this
I could find someone else other than you Oh Babe
To love even more...
Those words, words, words
Words I say to myself
L.I.E L.I.E L.I.E
They’re all lies
It’s in moments like this
I remember you’re gone
I should have never opened my heart to you
I knew this would happen to my heart, it’s a little bothersome
Is what I’m feeling loneliness?
Or is it sorrow from losing you?
Or is my heart just twisted?
I’ve closed my eyes so I can’t see anything
But sorrow is black, I know, I can’t
Feel everything as a whole, it’s all shattered
Me without you, I’ve become so miserable
You don’t know
You don’t know about me...
In my head, every day that passes
Makes your warmth and presence stronger
I miss you even more Babe Tear me down
And I’ll become the air you breathe
I miss you so much that
I don’t even have the strength to walk
Just like this
I miss you, no real reason I can give, I just miss you
Words I say to myself
The one I miss is you
It’s in moments like this
That you’re gone... //
Tears ran down your face. Because you remember, you mend his broken pieces for him. But broke yours instead. As you sang the last words of the song, you open your eyes. You sigh in relived. Finally pouring your heart out in to this song you sing, you felt a little lighter. Gaining a new strength from it, feeling like you could get over it little by little. This was just the first step. Staring at the ocean of lights sticks. Smiling one last time, your platform beneath you started sinking. Bringing you underneath the stage.
-
‘Good Job Everyone!!’
‘You’ve worked hard!’
‘Thank you for your hard work!!’
Manager: Girls, get change quick. We’re going to have a after party for this successful concert.
‘Cool! is our sunbaenim from the other company joining?’
Manager: Yup! We’re all going to celebrate!! So, go get change quick! They are waiting for us at the barbeque place.
Upon hearing that, you stood there not knowing what you’re going to do. Lots of question running through your mind. Was he going to be there? How are you going to act if he was? Are you going to be okay? Could you resist breaking down infront of him? Where is the new-found courage you got just now? Pushing all your thoughts aside, you got changed and got in to the car. Closing your eyes, trying to sleep it off. Hoping your mind would stop for a second. And your heart could stop increasing it’s beat. Taking deep breath, you tried to calm your anxiety down.
As the van pulls up at the restaurant and all of you got in. You felt your heart stop. Staring at a familiar pair of eyes, looking at you as well. Your breath hitch but you break your gaze away greeting everyone and choosing a seat furthest from the owner of that familiar pair of eyes. Getting yourself comfortable, you trying to keep your smile. Everything was a blur, because all you could remember was trying hard to ignore the pair of eyes that was fixed on you. You’re relived that the dinner ended in a blur. And nothing had happened. You sigh in relieved as you got in to the van again, that was heading towards your dorm.
-
*2 Months Later*
Your heart speed up as you walked in to the venue with your group and your manger. Because it was the concert venue of his group. You wanted to call in sick, but you know it was disrespectful if you didn’t show up. Afterall his group did show up at your concert 2 months ago. Thus, you had no choice to go along with the plan.
Walking in to the venue as his group was doing their sound check. A portion of lucky fans that got picked was sitting at the second floor. While all of you walked in on the first floor of the venue. Approaching the sitting area place infront of the stage.
‘Okay! JR, you’re up next! Sound check for your solo song!’
You curse at no one mentally. Sliding down your seat. Trying to make yourself disappear and not noticeable. But you couldn’t help yourself to check him out. Wearing all black in a track suit with a black cap. You could help but soften your gaze on him. Cursing yourself of letting him have a soft spot in your heart.
Jr: Ah Ah ah.
‘We’re going to play the music now!’
Jr: Okay!
When the music start, his eyes scans the crowds infront to him. Finding your gaze, he fixed it on you.
//I hate you.
I need you.
Do not be afraid.
Do not look back.
Night time keeps going.
Do not stop.
No matter what anyone says.
Never give up.
Put that away and erase that word.
I put a lot of niches in my chest.
My head pings a hundred times more.
I do not have any dreams about pretending to know everything.
I will do it in my heart.
Until it is covered with your own hand.
It’s not over yet.
I hate you.
I need you.
My world is dark.
In the end, I paint it in my light.
You always in my mind.
I lost my way to wander and frustration.
I cannot come back then.
I’m worried about poison or light.
Burden from tightening around here and there.
I’m just a bit slow but not different.
It is not wrong just to look at it differently.
I go through several seasons.
It does not collapse.
No matter what anyone says, there is no regrets.
Whatever it is, I run into it.
I hate you.
I need you.
You always in my mind.//
Fixing his gaze on you, you he looked at you sincerely when he sang the last sentence. You didn’t know how to feel. What was the song even about you’re just confuse? Trying not to think about it, you escape to the wash room. Trying to get your mind straight. Walking out of the bathroom, you met with a him leaning on the opposite wall looking at you.
Jr: Hey…
Y/N: Hey…
Jr: Could we… Ehmm.. find somewhere to talk?
Y/N: Er… Ya.. Sure..
Following behind him, both of you walk to the emergency staircase somewhere near. Both of you siting on the steps with a little distance apart.
Jr: I know this is not like idea place to talk. But I don’t think there is anywhere we could talk alone.
Y/N: It’s okay…
Jr: How.. Have you been?
Y/N: Fine I guess..
Jr:… Look.. Y/N. I need to apologize to you for how I’ve act. I know I have no excuse or reason for it. But I was a jerk. I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have acted the way I did.
Y/N: It’s fine.
Jr: NO. it’s not. Not when it took you so much courage to pour your heart out to me and confess to me. I’m sorry I walked away from you. I sorry I didn’t bid you goodbye.
Y/N: I forgive you.
Jr: No… Please listen to everything I have to say. I did what I did because I was a coward. I didn’t dare face the feelings I had. Never in my mind would I thought about someone would love me. Because how could anyone do that when all I see on myself is flaws. I have so much going on in my head. The voice in my head keeps telling me and pulling me back in to the dark. I just can’t. I acted that way because infact I fell in love with you first. But I kept it in. I didn’t want to acknowledge those feeling because it was new to me. And I didn’t know how to feel about it and go about it. I acted that way because I panic. Never have I ever have anyone confess to me. And never have I ever fell in love. I was scared of everything that comes with it. It was so much to handle. So, I ran away, I push you and the feelings I had for you away.
I thought it was the right thing to do. But I keep questioning myself on why it felt wrong at the same time. These 2 years that you’re gone. All I could do was convince myself that I did the right thing. That it was right to let you go. But why do I feel like this when I’m without you. I slip in to the dark part of me even more. Why do I feel so heavy? I have no way of getting rid of it trying to hunt me.
Then I realised. I lost you. I lost the only good part of me. Because, only with you, I felt lighter. I felt like I could breath. I hate that I’ve grown so dependent on you, but I need you, so I could be alright. I know it sound selfish. Especially, after how I act. But I just can’t get you out of my mind. Because you’re the only good part that I had. And I lost it…
Y/N: I really don’t know what to say…
Jr: You don’t have to. I just wanted to apologise to you.
Y/N: Thank you… I’m sure you’ll get through this.
Jr: I hope…
Y/N: You will.
Jr: Would you… nevermind.
Y/N: What?
Jr: Nothing.. it’s dumb.
Y/N: Hey.. it’s okay..
Jr: I just want you to be by myside this time round….
Y/N: Sure. What are friends for right?
Jr: No… I mean…
Y/N: You mean??
Jr: As in… by myside.. more than just a friend.
Y/N: What?
Jr: See I told you it’s dumb…
Lowering his head, he sighs. Standing up walking away from you, towards the door. His hands were on the doorknob and before he could push it down to exit. Your hand circle around his wrist that was on the doorknob. Making him turn his head to look at you.
Y/N: Maybe…
Jr: Huh?
Y/N: Maybe..
Jr: What? Maybe? What do you mean by…. OH.. Wait wait!!! You’re giving me a chance?
Y/N: Maybe…
Jr: I’ll take anything!!
Sighing in relived as his straight lips replaced with a curve one upwards. He pulled you in for a hug. As he chuckled out loud in relive. Head buried in the crooks of your neck. As he took a breath in. While nuzzling his nose on your neck. Your hand circled around his back. And he exhales as he said those words.
Jr: Thank you… I miss you….
Y/N: I miss you too…
Tightening his grip on you. You could feel the curve of his lips on your neck get wider, as if it was still possible. You nuzzle your nose on the side of his head, chuckled a little. While he places a sweet soft kiss on the crooks of your neck.
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