XX

Avarice

twenty.

When Joohyun arrived at her doorstep, Seulgi was speechless for a long while just staring, hardly breathing and wondering if this was real. The very last thing she had expected was to see Joohyun tonight and it felt surreal that she was really here in person before her.

“Hi?” Joohyun waved her hand in front of Seulgi’s face cautiously until she finally showed signs of life.

Seulgi frowned slightly, looking at the time again. “How long were you downstairs for?” She asked.

“Not that long.”

“What if I wasn’t awake?” Seulgi said, sounding upset that Joohyun came all the way out here by herself without even knowing if she would be able to meet Seulgi. “You would’ve been standing out there for nothing.” She sighed quietly before she stepped back to let Joohyun into the house.

Joohyun looked at her with an amused expression as she walked through the door. “But I knew you wouldn’t be sleeping.” She stated, sounding more than certain about it. Seulgi couldn’t argue with that; Joohyun always seemed to know what she was thinking or feeling and Seulgi wondered if she was just that predictable or if Joohyun was just a psychic.

“You know me too well.” Seulgi said quietly while looking at the floor and when she looked up again, Joohyun was already looking at her with a small smile on her face. The light from the hallway that leaked in through the open door illuminated the soft features on Joohyun’s face and Seulgi couldn’t look away from Joohyun. She was really her oasis, and Seulgi realised that she had never longed for anything more.

She was the first to break the gaze and she cleared nervously, “Do you want to go somewhere else to talk?” She asked, because she doubted her own ability to keep rational thoughts if she had to stay in the same room as Joohyun where the tension and awkwardness was almost suffocating her. Her other reason was that her house was messy and she didn’t want Joohyun to see how she had been living for the past week.

“Where would we go?”

Seulgi pointed upwards and Joohyun looked at her with a confused expression. Seulgi just smiled, “I heard the stars were nice tonight.”

 

They went up the stairs that led to the rooftop with Seulgi leading the way and Joohyun eyed the sign on the door that said ‘no access’, but Seulgi was already unlocking the door with a key.

“How did you get the key?”

“I’m friends with the janitor.” Seulgi replied.

“Are we allowed up here?” She asked, looking around.

“Not really.” Seulgi replied, pushing open the door and gesturing for Joohyun to walk first. She threw a skeptical look at Seulgi but still walked past her, up the few steps and onto the rooftop. It was colder at the top of the building and Joohyun wrapped her arms around herself, walking further out so that she could see more of what was below.

“Wow.” It was the only word that Joohyun could think of when she saw the view. She wasn’t a fan of heights, but it was mesmerizing to stand on top of a building this tall and look down at the city below. And looking up, the stars felt so close and so bright. “Wow.” She said again.

“I know.” Seulgi said, walking to stand next to her and she had a proud smile on her face like she was satisfied with Joohyun’s reaction to what she had shown her.

“Do you come up here a lot?”

“Sometimes. When I want to think.” Seulgi replied, taking a few steps while she kept looking at the sky. “It’s the only place where I feel peaceful.” She added, looking back at her. Every time they locked gazes, Seulgi found it hard to look away again because she had missed her so much, and she wanted to look at her every day of every year for the rest of her life if she could. It didn’t help that Joohyun never looked away too.

Seulgi cleared , a slight blush rising to her face and she turned and sat down, not really caring whether the floor was dirty. She crossed her legs and watched the cars on the streets below, only moving specks of light from this distance. Joohyun joined her in sitting down and she didn’t say anything, finding the silence between them strangely comforting.

Seulgi looked at her watch; 6 and a half hours left.

“What did you want to talk about?” Seulgi asked.

Joohyun lifted her shoulders, smiling a little and Seulgi frowned at her unusual, light-hearted attitude tonight. “Can’t we just sit here for a while?” She asked, tilting her head back to look into the sky. Seulgi looked at her watch again, counting the hands on the face. Only a few more minutes had passed but Seulgi felt as if time was already running out and she looked at Joohyun again, wondering if she knew she was leaving in less than 7 hours.

She looked unbothered and calm, as if she had all the time in the world to admire the stars in the night sky and Seulgi was anxiously checking her watch every minute. It felt like the two of them were on completely different worlds tonight.

Seulgi opened to tell her that if she wasn’t serious about talking, then she should go home and sleep now but she didn’t get the chance to do so because Joohyun suddenly asked something Seulgi didn’t expect her to bring up. 

“Do you remember how your dad was really against same-gender relationships?”

Seulgi blinked, nodding slowly. But how was this relevant to anything? She looked at Joohyun, waiting for her to explain.

“And that was the reason why you never dated anyone throughout high school because you were scared of him finding out and what he would do.”

Seulgi hummed to show her agreement but she still didn’t know why Joohyun was talking about this.

“But then why did you date me?”

Seulgi lifted her shoulders, thinking over the question for a short while and it didn’t take long for her to answer because it was simple. “Because I really liked you.” She answered honestly.

“But weren’t you scared your dad would find out?”  

“I was.” She said. “But I didn’t care.” Seulgi admitted, drawing random shapes on her knee. “At that time, I didn’t give much thought to it. I just wanted to be with the person I liked.”

“Then why can’t you do that now?” Joohyun asked quietly and she thought Seulgi didn’t hear her because silence hung in the air for a while until finally,

“Because it’s different now.”

“It’s not that different.” Joohyun said. She fell silent again and thought about it, then continued, “When you like someone, it’s like rationality doesn’t exist anymore. Or even if it does, you choose to ignore it. Like how even when you know something or someone is bad for you, or you know that nothing good will come out of it, you still want to stay with them.”

Seulgi was quiet; just listening, thinking and worrying about what would come next.

“Normally if you know the outcome is bad, you wouldn’t do something, right? But when it comes to you-”

“Joohyun.” Seulgi said, cutting her off abruptly before she could continue her sentence.

But Joohyun persisted, ignoring Seulgi’s attempt to stop her. “No matter how hard I try to reason with myself or tell myself it won’t be good for me, I just can’t stop wanting to be with you.”

“I think you should go.” Seulgi said bluntly and she started to get up. “This was a mistake, we shouldn’t have met tonight.” She keeping her eyes downcast.

“Seulgi, wait.” Joohyun grabbed her arm, stopping her from leaving. “I’m not done.”

“You should go home. You need to sleep and prepare for your early trip tomorrow.” Seulgi said, avoiding her gaze but she felt Joohyun’s grip on her arm tighten stubbornly as if saying she wouldn’t go until she said everything she wanted to say. “Wouldn’t want to be late and keep your fiancé waiting, right?” Seulgi added with a tight smile.

Joohyun chose to ignore her and she released her arm to reach into her bag. “I have to give something back to you.” She said and curiosity made Seulgi stay seated. She regretted it a second later and Seulgi felt her heart drop when she saw Joohyun hold out the box that she had almost forgotten about. “I didn’t plan on seeing you again before I left, but I wanted to give this back.” Joohyun’s voice was quieter as she looked at her, biting her lip but tears still brimmed her eyes.

Seulgi took a deep breath, trying to remain calm. “How did you get that?” She asked, but her meaning behind those words were: you’re not supposed to find out about it.

“I went back to the old house to see if I had forgotten anything and I accidentally knocked over your things and found this. I really didn’t mean to find it but it happened. Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Seulgi said, removing her gaze from the ring box that she never got the chance to use. ‘It doesn’t matter anymore.” She said, looking to the side.

“You don’t want it back?” Joohyun asked.

“What would I want it for?”

Joohyun didn’t have an answer for her but she wanted to know the answer to something that had been on her mind since she found the ring. “When did you buy it?”

Seulgi bit her lip, avoiding her gaze. “A long time ago.” She answered quietly, as if she was ashamed of it. And she really was. Ashamed of being so naïve and overly optimistic about their future, for giving herself so many hopes only to ruin it all herself.

“And the house in Daegu?”

Seulgi looked up in shock, mouth slightly agape. “How do you know about that?”

Joohyun smiled as if it was a dumb question to ask. “You’re the only one who knows which park is my favourite place from my childhood.”

“Maybe I told Bogum and he bought the house.” She tried convincing her but she knew it was futile.

“Well, I checked with the estate agent and the house was bought under your name.”

“Right.” Seulgi muttered, looking at her feet. “Was it that obvious?” She felt embarrassed at how easily Joohyun saw through it.

“Why are you doing this?”

Seulgi shrugged. “Think of it as a gift from me to you and Bogum. I bought the house for you, so as long as you live in it, it doesn’t matter who else is there.”

“No.” Joohyun felt her hands form fists as she looked at Seulgi firmly. “You bought the house for us. You bought it with the thought of our future, of us living in it together.”

Seulgi looked away before the tears could start. “So what?” She asked in a quiet voice. “That’s all over now.”

“So why are you giving that away? I won’t live there if it’s not with you.”

Seulgi closed her eyes and sighed exasperatedly. “Joohyun, please stop being like this.”

“No, you’re the one that needs to stop being like this.” Joohyun replied and Seulgi wanted to laugh at the childish retort. “Acting selfless and generous, giving up everything for me and letting me marry someone else, is that what makes your conscience feel better? Do you think that by giving me up to someone else and providing for my future, it will make up for everything?” Joohyun demanded, voice growing louder with each question.

“What else can I do?” Seulgi asked, frustration evident in her voice.

“You know.” Joohyun said, sounding equally frustrated and Seulgi’s gaze shifted down.

She sighed, shaking her head. “I don’t want to argue with you. Let’s just drop this.” She said and she sounded tired, both metaphorically and physically.

Joohyun’s voice softened and she reached out to hold onto Seulgi’s arm, partly to stop her from leaving and partly to comfort her. “All I’m asking is for you to not give up on us. Don’t run away anymore and fight for what you really want. I want you to be selfish for this.”

“Even after all that’s happened, you still don’t get it?” Seulgi asked, pushing her hands through her hair. “I can’t be selfish if it puts you at risk. You have already been through a lot because of me and you know how dangerous it is for you to be around me. I can’t let anything happen to you again.”

Joohyun finally hesitated and Seulgi smiled forlornly as if to say see? I’m right. What I’m doing is the right thing and I have made good decisions.

“I don’t know what is happening between you and Jung Sangmin and I don’t know your reasons for doing all of this. But if you’re willing to fight for what you want, then so will I, and I think we can find a way and we’ll be alright.”

“But will we?” Seulgi asked in a quiet voice, she wasn’t arguing or challenging her, it was a genuine question. She glanced at her and looked away quickly when Joohyun looked back at her. She was silent for a while and Joohyun felt guilty for putting so much blame on Seulgi because she knew Seulgi was struggling even more than her.

She knew it wasn’t an easy decision to make and Seulgi had so much more to lose than she did. It was hard to imagine how much pressure Seulgi was under and how much stress she had been through because of her. Joohyun briefly wondered whether she should really leave, if that was what would make Seulgi’s life easier.

She sighed and looked up at the night sky and Seulgi was right, the stars were nice tonight. Or maybe it was because of who she was with that made the sky much more beautiful.

“It has been difficult, hasn’t it?” Joohyun asked. Her voice was soft but in the quiet night, it was heard clearly; and when Seulgi couldn’t respond with words and only looked away to stifle a sob which turned into quiet crying, Joohyun heard it all. She didn’t say anything while Seulgi cried and Seulgi tried to stop, but only cried harder because Joohyun was right. Joohyun was always right.  

Joohyun let her cry, knowing she must’ve kept it in for too long and she wished she could hug her and kiss her and tell her everything would be alright like how she always used to, but things have changed, and Joohyun couldn’t guarantee that it would really be alright. And maybe it wouldn’t be alright, but that’s alright too. She didn’t really care about that.

Joohyun reached for Seulgi’s hand and she expected her to move away immediately but Seulgi didn’t  even flinch when she touched the back of her hand. Reassured that Seulgi didn’t mind, Joohyun slipped her hand under Seulgi’s and interlocked their fingers to squeeze her hand gently in a comforting gesture. A reminder that she was here for her, even if she didn’t want that.

Seulgi automatically folded her fingers over to hold Joohyun’s smaller hand which still fit with hers perfectly. She had forgotten how safe and comforting it felt to have Joohyun’s hand in hers. It felt like an eternity since she last held her hand, but holding her hand now and feeling Joohyun’s colder hand grow warmer in her hold, it felt like no time had passed at all.

Her crying subsided but Joohyun still said nothing, which Seulgi was grateful for. They sat in comfortable silence with hands intertwined, watching the tranquil night sky and Seulgi had never felt more at peace.

2:10 am and less than 6 hours until Joohyun left.

She knew this moment wouldn’t last, and this bliss that she had forgotten the feeling of would soon end. But at least for now, it felt like time had stopped for them so she could stay with her a little longer. The stars had really never looked brighter.

She lightly squeezed Joohyun’s hand. “You know that I love you, right?” She confessed quietly, but she wasn’t brave enough to look at her. She didn’t want the tears to start again.

Joohyun returned the gesture, squeezing Seulgi’s hand and she smiled. “I know.”

She looked at Seulgi, waiting for her but Seulgi kept looking at the sky. Finally, after a minute or so, Seulgi looked at her and Joohyun didn’t look away, so neither did Seulgi.

“I love you too.” She said and Seulgi saw the tears shining in her eyes and she knew she looked the same. “I always will.”

Seulgi smiled and she thought about how this was a good ending for them. To be able to sit together again and talk honestly about their feelings and look at the stars like they always used to. It was the perfect ending to their story and Seulgi could say with honesty that she was happy with this ending; it was more than she could ever ask for.

Seulgi also thought about how different everything would be if she had made the other choice in the beginning. It would be her preparing to leave with Joohyun tomorrow, it would be her ring that Joohyun was wearing and she would be saying ‘I love you’ to Joohyun not as a farewell and a bittersweet confession for the last time, but as a promise of their happy future together.

But Seulgi had learnt to let go of the past and accept that life won’t always go the way she wanted it to. There was no point in thinking about what she should have done or should not have done, because it had been done already and she couldn’t change that.

She smiled as she thought to herself that the stars in Daegu must be even brighter at night than it was here. Joohyun will love that.

2:21am.

Seulgi closed her eyes and tried to memorise every curve of Joohyun’s hand, every detail and the feeling of her hand in hers. She didn’t want to forget, she wanted to keep this memory etched in her mind forever. Because when Joohyun finally does let go of her hand and leaves, Seulgi knew deep down that she would never get the chance to hold her hand again.

“Hey.”

Seulgi unknowingly held onto Joohyun tighter, the fear of losing her suddenly hitting her at once. She felt the tears in her eyes again and dread started to take over. She had thought she was ready to let go and say goodbye but she wasn’t. She really wasn’t ready for Joohyun to leave and for this to be their last time seeing each other.

She was the one who asked for her to leave, so she couldn’t turn back on her own word but Seulgi refused to let go of her hand. She held on although she knew she couldn’t hold on forever and the time had come to finally let go.

Let me be selfish this once. She thought to herself. Let me keep you by my side for just a while longer.

“Seulgi.” Joohyun said and Seulgi opened her eyes to look at her but Joohyun was looking at the sky wistfully.

“What?” She asked, hoping it wasn’t noticeable how her voice trembled.

“Let’s run away.”

Seulgi’s eyes widened and it took a few seconds for her to register the words. A sound of disbelief escaped . “What?” Seulgi laughed softly, looking away with a slight shake of her head. She laughed but Joohyun didn’t and she looked at her again, the smile fading slightly. “Don’t joke about things like that.” She said, but her voice wavered and her heart was pounding so loudly in her chest that she could hear it in her head.

She glanced at her watch. 2:30am. How did time pass so quickly without her realising?

Joohyun looked at her, a small smile on her lips. “I’m not joking.” She said and Seulgi’s smile faded completely as she stared at her with confusion and cluelessness in her eyes. When she saw the determined gaze and how Joohyun looked at her patiently waiting for an answer, realisation finally settled in that Joohyun really wasn’t joking.

“Seulgi, will you leave with me?”

 

a/n: and this is the part where I say ‘and then seulgi woke up, it was just a dream’
(jk its not!!)
but another cliffhanger? ummmm yes

also i almost didnt update within a week. why am i like this...im so sorry
it's still christmas in some parts of the world so merry christmas!! i hope your days will always be full of happiness :)
and thank you again for getting this fic featured and for all the kind words! it really means a lot

i dont know when the next chapter will be ready and i dont even know how many chapters are left haha im so organised

see you on the next chapter soon...
 

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angrywater
got featured :O thank you so much to everyone for reading and for supporting this fic <3 love you

Comments

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howdoyouknowmee
500 streak #1
🌷🤍
Apcxjsv
#2
Chapter 23: Simply spectacular🤍🤍
munsolar #3
Chapter 10: u r genius. i love this trope
dancingseulo
#4
Reading this again.
seulrene_daze #5
Chapter 23: ah.. rereading this again for the nth time coz i cant never get enough about this story hahaha
Oct_13_wen_03 34 streak #6
🤍🤍🤍
Luvylynn #7
Chapter 23: The angst really gets me. You really good at playing with my feelings author-nim. But I’m really glad to stumble into your masterpiece though you make me feel sick in my stomach with all the emotional turmoil. Nevertheless, It’s really a good read where you can literally feel the character’s emotions.
gomtokkim
2112 streak #8
Chapter 1: rereading<3
xantheaverielle
#9
Chapter 23: This was so soooo good! Finished it in a day 😭 This was so beautifully written. Every word portrayed each character's emotions well. I appreciate that the story didn't only revolve around Irene and Seulgi and their relationship but it also gave us a glimpse of the lives and thoughts of the people around them. This easily goes into my Top 10. I love this so much. Thank you for writing and giving us Seulrene endgame despite all the angst. This is really my type of fic. Thank you!
Jensoo4everlove #10
Chapter 23: That was beautiful ❤ The angst got on my nerves though 😂