fifteen. 

“You’re going out today?” Seungwan stifled a yawn as she shuffled over to the kitchen, still clad in her pyjamas and blinking groggily after waking up a minute ago when she heard sounds from outside.

Saturday mornings were one of the only days where sleeping in and staying home the entire day was an option, so Seungwan was surprised when she saw Joohyun already dressed to go out and occupied in the kitchen.

“Oh, good morning!” Joohyun greeted cheerfully, turning around to look at her. “Sorry, was I being too noisy?” She asked sheepishly while stirring the soup inside the pot.

Seungwan simply shook her head in response, walking closer to take a peek at the source of the heavenly scent that was wafting through the house. Before she could even ask when it would be ready for her to have some, Joohyun answered, as if she could read her mind and already knew what the question was. 

“It’s for Seulgi.”

Seungwan expression changed and the exasperated ‘Joohyun’ had barely slipped out when Joohyun quickly spoke up to defend herself whilst waving her hand frantically to stop Seungwan’s incoming lecture.

“I know! I know! But she got hospitalised because of me and I can’t help but feel responsible. Now she even has a fever and-”

“You feel bad, yes, I get it.” Seungwan cut off her rambling. “But is feeling responsible the only reason why you’ve been visiting her every single day for the past 4 days?” She huffed when Joohyun pretended not to hear the question and tasted a bit of the soup before adding some salt. “We need to talk.”

“I need to leave soon.”

“Joohyun.” Seungwan gave her a stern gaze that meant ‘no’ wasn’t an option.

“Seungwan, I was just kidding that time.” Joohyun protested, laughing to conceal her nervousness. “I didn’t actually mean it when I said I wanted to be with Seulgi again.” She said, laughing as if it was so absurd of an idea that she herself couldn’t take it seriously.

“You are a terrible liar.” Seungwan didn’t believe it for even half a second. “Why do you even bother when you know I can see right through you?”

Joohyun turned off the stove, placing the lid over the pot and walked out of the kitchen with Seungwan following closely behind.

“What do you want me to do then?” Joohyun sat down heavily on the couch, grabbing a cushion to hug and Seungwan sat down at the end of the couch, watching as Joohyun played with the loose strands coming off the fabric. “No, actually, tell me what you want me to do. Because I really don’t know what I should do.”

Seungwan could hear the pained tone in her voice and she realised that Joohyun was struggling just as much as she was, if not more, trying to make the right choices. When she stayed silent for too long, trying to think of the right words to say, Joohyun grew frustrated.

“What can I do, Seungwan? You don’t want me to lie, but then what do you want me to do? Do you want me to say that I still love her? That there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of her and how much I want her back so that I can feel like there’s something to live for? Or that I miss her so much I feel like I could die sometimes because I don’t- I can’t have her, but then when I am with her I always feel like maybe there’s hope for us, maybe there’s a chance for me to be happy again?”

Joohyun paused to take a deep breath, hastily brushing back the tears before they could roll down her face. “So, tell me Seungwan, is that what you want to hear?” She asked with unintentional harshness which made her sound angry when she really wasn’t.

Seungwan shook her head mutely, unable to bring herself to meet Joohyun’s gaze in case the guilt hit her too hard.

“Yeah, I didn’t think so.” Joohyun let out a bitter laugh. “I only lie because that’s what you want to hear and because if I say it enough, maybe I will start believing it too.”

Seeing Joohyun upset was one of the most painful things in the world and Seungwan reached forward to hold onto Joohyun’s hands and make her look her in the eyes. “No, I don’t want you to lie to me or to yourself. There’s nothing I want more than to see you happy and being with the person you love.” She stated firmly.

Joohyun kept quiet and waited, because she knew there had to be more.

And she was right when the determined look in Seungwan’s eyes disappeared and was replaced with doubt as she released a sigh.

“But how can I trust Seulgi to give you happiness after she hurt you like that in the past?”

…

Joohyun couldn’t stop replaying her conversation with Seungwan in her head and she was so spaced out that it took Seulgi three tries of calling her name to get her attention back.

“Yes?” Joohyun blinked, coming back to the present and saw the nurse packing her equipment after doing the check-up.

“Sorry for keeping you waiting.” Seulgi said, rolling her sleeve back down and keeping her eyes trained on Joohyun when she could tell that she was bothered by something.

Joohyun shook her head, “That’s okay.” She smiled as convincingly as possible despite her troubled thoughts that she couldn’t push away.

“Are you alright?” Seulgi asked, looking at her with a concerned expression.

“Yeah, just thinking about some things…About work.” She lied, shrugging nonchalantly. Being a naturally bad liar and being the person Seulgi knew best, there was no chance the lie would go undetected, but Seulgi knew she shouldn’t pry if Joohyun didn’t want to talk about it so she simply nodded and pretended to believe her.

“If you’re busy, you shouldn’t come here.” She said.

That made Joohyun crack a smile. “You really don’t want me here, huh?” She teased and her smile grew wider when Seulgi’s eyes widened at the accusation.

“That’s not what I meant-” Seulgi tried to explain herself but was interrupted by a violent coughing fit. Joohyun jumped up from her seat to help Seulgi sit up straight and she rubbed her back soothingly until the coughs subsided. Seulgi had tears in her eyes from the painful coughs and felt like it was burning with every breath she took. Joohyun quickly poured a glass of water and had to help Seulgi lift it up to since her hands were slightly shaky.

“Better?” Joohyun asked worriedly, taking the empty glass from her. Seulgi nodded, catching her breath back and she grabbed Joohyun’s wrist before she could move away.

“I didn’t mean it that way.” Seulgi said with complete seriousness. “I really like you- I mean, your presence. I really like your presence. I like having you here.” She stammered, suddenly losing the ability to form eloquent sentences. She felt her face grow hot and it definitely wasn’t from the fever.

Joohyun smiled so widely that her cheeks hurt for the first time in a long time and even more so when Seulgi covered her face with her hands to hide her embarrassment.

“I like being here too.” Joohyun admitted, biting her lip to try and stop smiling like a fool but it wasn’t easy to keep a straight face.

Seulgi removed her hands slowly, looking at her with a surprised expression. “Did I hear that right?”

“Why is it surprising?” Joohyun asked nonchalantly, walking back to put the empty glass on the table. “If I didn’t like being here, I wouldn’t come in every day.”

“I thought you hated me.” Seulgi mumbled in a quiet voice, keeping her head down. Joohyun paused in her steps and she heard Seungwan’s voice in her head again.

“I thought you hated her. Or was that a lie you were telling yourself too?”

She chose to avoid the topic altogether and pretend she didn’t hear her statement. Running away from her problems wasn’t the smartest choice but for now, without a clear solution in mind, all she could do was avoid having to face the dilemmas.

“I made some soup for you.” Joohyun walked over to retrieve the flask from her bag.

Seulgi felt the nostalgia crashing into her when Joohyun poured the soup out and the all too familiar aroma brought back too many memories. Every time she got sick in the past, Joohyun would make this soup for her and Seulgi swore it had some sort of magical healing power because she would instantly feel better afterwards.

Joohyun blew on the soup to cool it down first before lifting the spoon up to feed Seulgi like she always used to do and she froze when she saw Seulgi looking at her quizzically. Awkward silence fell across them and it was Joohyun’s turn to feel embarrassed when she realised what she was doing.

Seulgi flashed a smile, hoping it would make things less awkward and she reached out to take the bowl from her. “Thank you! It smells really good.” She said, changing the topic quickly. Joohyun cleared , mumbling a ‘you’re welcome’ but was still flustered from her own actions and she could see Seulgi was also avoiding eye contact while nervously drinking the soup.

She paused after a few more sips, looking down at the bowl in her hands with a slight frown on face. Joohyun’s heart dropped when she noticed that expression and she nervously stuttered out, “Is something wrong with it? Does it taste bad?” She started to rise to her feet to take the bowl from her but Seulgi held onto it, shaking her head quickly.

“No, it’s good. It’s always good.” Seulgi reassured.

“Then why do you look unhappy?”

Seulgi lifted her head to look at her and she smiled, except it wasn’t the kind of smile that reached her eyes and made them disappear. It wasn’t the smile that could light up any darkness, and it wasn’t the smile that made Joohyun’s heart skip a beat because it reminded her of the first time she realised she was in love with Seulgi.

“I’m happy. It’s just…” Seulgi drew in a shaky breath like it required a lot of effort to get the words out. She looked hesitant but she couldn’t back out now, not with Joohyun staring at her intently, waiting for her explanation. “It’s been a long time. I missed this.” She confessed in a quiet voice, afraid to speak up any louder in fear that it would make Joohyun run away.

But Joohyun didn’t, and she knew that Seulgi wasn’t only referring to the soup so she replied in a voice equally as quiet, but loud enough.

“So did I.”

And there was the smile that Joohyun had been longing to see. A real smile, shy and suppressed but evidently overjoyed. The kind of smile that she would always have on her face whenever Joohyun said ‘I love you’ out of nowhere, regardless of time and place, simply because she loved seeing Seulgi flustered, and simply because she meant it every time.

“Would you choose her over us?” Seungwan asked after there was a while of silence.

“Why do I have to choose one or the other? It’s not like that.”

“What if it is?” Seungwan shot back. “What if you have to choose?”

The way Joohyun kept quiet and looked reluctant to answer was more than enough for Seungwan to know the answer. 

“Even though you know the things she’s doing is wrong and that she works for the person you resent the most and gets rich from ruining other people’s lives, you still want to be with her? You still want to give up everything for her?”

Joohyun chewed on her lip, not saying anything again and Seungwan sighed, bringing her palm to her forehead. “That day…” Joohyun finally spoke up. “Krystal asked me if I regret not staying with Seulgi so that I could be living like her right now. I found it absurd at first too, but then the more I think about it, the more I realise she’s right. I could have both Seulgi and a luxurious lifestyle with all the money I need, isn’t that a win-win situation?”

Seungwan couldn’t believe that these words were coming out of . She had never thought that a day would come where Joohyun would be considering an option that went against all of her morals. Seungwan held her by the shoulders, looking her straight in the eyes and trying not to raise her voice too much. “Would you throw away your conscience and your morals to be with her? Would you really be willing to push away everything you’ve ever believed in, just so you can be with her?” She shook Joohyun lightly, desperately hoping she could wake her up from whatever trance she was in.

“Is she really worth that?”

Joohyun was caught again for spacing out and Seulgi had a slight idea of what she might be thinking about, but she didn’t want to make assumptions in case she was wrong.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Seulgi asked.

She gave an unconvincing nod before she caved in, finally telling her, “I got into a small argument with Seungwan this morning.”

Seulgi raised her eyebrows, surprised that something so rare had occurred. “Is it something serious?” She asked even though she knew it had to be, since the two of them rarely fought unless it was something very major.

Joohyun lifted a shoulder, “It’ll be okay.” She said, mainly telling that to herself. “I’ll figure something out.”

“I hope you do.” Seulgi said with a smile and Joohyun sighed inwardly because she was the cause of all of her problems. 

“Yeah...” Joohyun replied uncertainly.

“Do whatever makes you happy.” Seulgi said. “If you have to make a decision, choose the option that makes you happy.”

“But what if it’s that’s the selfish option?” Joohyun asked. “What if it makes me happy but hurts the people around me?”

Seulgi went silent and Joohyun realised that it sounded like she was talking about her. Before she could clarify anything, Seulgi had already said, “That’s what I chose.”

Joohyun couldn’t hold back from asking the question she had always wanted to know the answer to. “Do you regret it?”

“Sometimes.” Seulgi replied, keeping an unreadable expression on her face so that Joohyun wouldn’t know that she had never regretted anything more in her life than this one decision. But when she saw the disappointment in Joohyun’s face upon hearing that answer, she felt the urge to tell her everything. “Joohyun, I-”

“No, it’s okay, I get it.” Joohyun cut her off and faked a smile. “You’re happy with your new life, if I was in your position, I would be too. I understand.”

“But-”

“This is what you wanted, this is the option that makes you happy so you chose it even if it meant having to sacrifice some things.” Joohyun said, bitterness seeping into her tone.

“A lot of things.”

“I don’t know if I can do the same.” Joohyun admitted. “Giving up everything…”

“How much are you willing to give up for the person you love?” Seungwan asked. “And for someone who isn’t worth it? Joohyun, please think about this rationally. Seulgi left you for her career, for money and power. She chose all of that over you.”

Joohyun just sighed. Why did Seungwan have to remind her?

“You’re willing to give up this much for her but what about her? Would Seulgi give up everything for you too? Even if you give her the chance now to choose, would she choose you over money?” Seungwan argued. “I think we both know the answer to that.”

Joohyun took a deep breath, clenching her fists on her lap to keep herself from shaking out of nervousness. “Seulgi.” She called out, gaining her full attention. “That day you came to find me outside my office, you said to me before that you still love me.”

“I meant it, and I still do.” Seulgi said immediately, answering her unspoken questions.

“Then…” Joohyun paused, unsure of whether she wanted to ask the question because she was afraid of hearing the answer. “Would you give up everything for me?”

I already have. Seulgi wanted to say, but she held herself back and thought carefully about how to answer the question. Joohyun could feel her heart pounding in her chest as she waited for an answer and the suspense was killing her.

Just when Seulgi was about to reply, she caught sight of someone standing outside the room and Joohyun saw how she visibly tensed up. She turned around in her chair and looked out the small window on the door, eyebrows furrowing when she saw the unfamiliar man outside.

“Who is that?” She asked, turning back around.

“An acquaintance.” Seulgi replied stiffly, keeping her eyes on the person. “We have matters to discuss. In private.” She added. “Maybe you should go first.”

Joohyun hadn’t received her answer yet, but she knew Seulgi was too distracted now to give a proper response. She nodded, getting to her feet.

“I will give you my answer next time.” Seulgi said before she left, knowing that it was important to her. 

That was enough for Joohyun’s hopes to soar and she nodded, a smile forming on her face. “I’ll wait for your answer.”

…

“I’m outside her room right now.” Jaejoong said into the phone, peering through the window to see Seulgi still talking to her current visitor. He hummed, turning around and pacing along the hallway. “The rogue one?” He chuckled. “I guess you can call her that.” He listened for a while to the other person on the line. “She’s my responsibility, I will take care of this and yes, I know what to do with rogue undercover agents.”

He ended the call quickly when the door opened and Joohyun walked out. Joohyun looked up at him briefly before turning to leave so that he could talk to Seulgi alone.

He entered the room, closing the door behind him and Seulgi stared at him warily as he walked over.

“How are you feeling?”

“Fine, thanks. Isn’t it risky for you to be here?” Seulgi replied shortly.

“I was worried about you, I had to come and see how you were doing.” He said, distractedly touching  the flower petals in the bouquet on the table beside the hospital bed.

“I’m fine.” Seulgi emphasised once again. “The doctor said I’ll be discharged after two more days. Then I’ll be back to working and getting you the evidence you need.”

“Right.” He pretended to believe it. “And Joohyun?” He asked.

“What about her?”

He shrugged a little. “It seems you’re on good terms again. Are you really going to take this risk?” He questioned with a slightly challenging tone.

“I know what I’m doing. So just trust me and don’t try to stop me.” Seulgi told him calmly, opening a magazine to read.

“If you want me to trust you, then you give me reasons to.” Jaejoong shot back. “You’re also letting emotions and relationships get in the way of your mission now. You’re playing a very dangerous game, Seulgi.”

“I know what I’m doing.” She repeated, not taking her eyes off the magazine and she prayed that he wouldn’t sense her nervousness or doubt hidden underneath her façade of being calm and collected.

He exhaled, knowing it was useless to try and argue so he just nodded. “For the sake of yourself and the people you care about, I really hope you do.”

…

 

a/n: I wish I knew what I was doing too
heyeye I finally updated after a month... I'm really really sorry for taking so long
but anyway thank you so much to everyone who is still reading and hasn’t given up on me yet :)

also i made a cc so if anyone wants to ask/say something, feel free to do so!
https://curiouscat.me/angrywater