EXOL POV

EXO,

The sky stretches above in a faded blue, like a bright veil meant to hide away the dark clouds of my mind. The grass at my feet lightly graze the tip of my toes and I lose myself deeper into the music. It doesn't matter which day it is and what lies ahead because all I seem to ask myself is how it all started? How did Fate manage to bring the two of us together at that time and with what tricks? Was it a coincidence or simply a matter of luck? A mistake or a miracle? These answers never left my mind since that day at the bridge...

It seems like my memories fail me but really, it's been years by now. At first, it all felt too long and tiring; a rollercoaster that never stops, no matter what. But recently, I've been looking back at everything, from the pictures sealed under my bed to the messages I've never sent. My fingers trace the side of your face as I sit in the closet, the world loud outside. Someone calls my name, but it's nothing like the way your velvety voice shakes my heart. And I lose my breath as I fight the tears, knowing that the past can never be changed.

They stay deaf to my screams at night, when the shadows claw at my sanity. No one should ever know about it. Crazy, they once said and I believed them... But you know what? I can smile a little bit more these past days. This makes it even more perfect...

Last Wednesday, I found myself snuggled into the couch, chin resting on the huge bunny that reminds me of you and half filled ice-creams cups on the floor. I had been crying again, the sobs muffled by the movie playing. And in my daze, I heard something along the line that when a butterfly flaps its wings, as insignificant as the act might seem, it can lead to a storm. How silly, right? I did think so too at first but the thought lingers in my mind. I think I believe it now... Be it a lie or not, right now, I want to believe that everything we have ever known, all the dreams we once shared and all of our love had a purpose. This sweet lie is what I need on this rainy day- I am convinced that there was indeed a reason for our two worlds to collide like that.

You know what? I can't exactly say when but I know that the very first time we met, I was immediately drawn to you... like a moth to a flame. What an irony, right?

Memories resemble the water that fills a lake, tainted by others and constantly losing a bit of itself. But at the end of the day, no matter how much time has gone by, it remains a lake. And to me, my time with you will always remain life-changing... There was something about that moment that made my heart clench and filled my gaze with sparks, submerging me in an emotion I had yet to discover. Was it the sight of you, your voice, the way you approached me or something else? Just another answer I cannot find... but the one thing I do know is that it did not take much to realize the instant connection between us. It had to be you, only you and no one else.

Our journey together had always been in the spotlight, the consequences simply changed after a while... I've learned to accept it.

There was nothing ever special about me. Just another face in the crowd, forgotten but for my short frame and naive self. I was told that my dreams would never come true, that good things never happened to people like me. So I kept my gaze on the ground as I walked and never thought much about what lied ahead. Yet another simple girl, meant to blend in the shadows, who had no idea what was coming her way. Do you smile at that? Well, me too.

When I say I was instantly drawn to you, I don't mean to inflate that ego of yours. Fine, you were attractive but not enough to have me glued to you. That one took a while to happen and we both know it. I have my own pride, after all!

Still, you were quite a sight in that shirt, smile like the silver glow of the moon while your name filled the room repeatedly. Curiosity forced me to stay and your voice led the way.

Your face boldly showed up in avant-garde style in the midst of the crowd, too beautiful to be real and too angelic to be ignored. Indeed, I had never met anyone like you before then... So I hesitantly made my way through the crowd and let myself be gently swayed. It was confusing; these warm bodies colliding with mine and the chaotic buzz in my ears. But your eyes were on me and mine were on you and, after a while, it wasn't so bad. So no surprise when the silent exchange of mutual interest led to a simple hello. At one point, you had managed to fill all of my senses so that, when you offered me your hand, I did not think twice. That was all it took; one single touch and I was blinded by the sight of you. Was it what they call love at first sight? On my part, I like to believe it was because my life has never been the same since that day. You pulled me to your world and mine somehow found color. And I still can't believe that I once stood by your side, you who are still so intriguingly out of this world. Fairy tales should not happen in real life, or so I've been told, but with you, the rules changed. And as long as it lasted, it was perfect and I would not exchange it for anything else.

Getting out of your grasp was the greatest pain I ever inflicted to myself. Not just because I knew the wound would never heal, but also because I knew how much it would hurt you. And nothing hurts more than seeing tears swimming in your gaze, knowing of the darkness that fills your heart. Because from the very start, I cared for you. And through experience, I can now tell that something was born within me at that first touch; something surpassing all of my expectations. And it would, as it grew, make it hard to pull out of your grasp. It all ended so fast-

How crazy was I, though? Who would have thought that, not so long after, I would choose you with all my heart, me believing you without really knowing why... It simply felt right and it still does. And because it does, now I feel so lost. Not for long.

Tell me if I'm wrong but I only ever learned to stand for myself thanks to you. It was because you forced me to look at myself and told me that I was worthy of love, something no one ever did. You were there to wipe away my tears, holding me tight and telling me again and again that I was beautiful. I believed it...

Thank you. Those two words lack so much in showing the gratitude that I feel towards you, but I know no other way. And I hope that if you ever read this letter, you believe that I would have been lost If we had never met. I've learned so much because of you, even the meaning of sacrifice... Now that Life feels so grey and cold; I want to break free and be happy but I can't find the door to my cell. You are not there anymore to guide me with your light, to hold my hand and to give me enough courage. So you see; I have to do something about it. You understand, don't you?

They say I have matured but I know that since I lost you, my desire... Over time, as I stayed in your arms, I grew addicted to it all, enough for me to still hear you ask:

"Can you feel me?"