A/N: my dear readers, sorry for the super duper mega late update. I’m always late in updating so what’s new? it's been weeks, you thought i'm gonna abandon this? a big NO. Haha. I was supposed to upload it last night but we lost connection. And now it’s back, here’s the most awaited UPDATE. But don’t expect too much. This is REALLY SHORT. It’s just the continuation of SooSic moment from the previous chappy. No soofany for now. SORRY. I’m really busy with my work so I only got to collect my thoughts when I’m home so…lousy me. HAHA. I’m warning you, this’ll gonna be odd. And you’ll hate me more for sure^^ anyway, hello to my new subscribers, please don't leave me guys until the end^^ Enough of these drabbles, here’s the 36^th chapter. Enjoy!

SOOYOUNG’s POV

“Youngie…”

Without enough time to react, she hugged me and dug her face on my chest. Once again, I was frozen, as if my mind out. Awhile ago, I was thinking ways on how to face her. But i never thought that it would be right now. Why so soon?

“Why are you here?” I said sternly, which made her pulled out from the hug but her hands moved to hold my arms. I don’t know but I suddenly want to make her feel what I felt when she broke us up.

“Nae? Sooyoung ah…” I looked away, fidgeting with my hands.

“I thought you didn’t want to see me.”

“S-Soo, that’s a lie… I missed you… I missed you so much…W-wait, what happened to your face?” She touched my chin and made me face her. I can see she’s really concerned with what happened to me just by merely looking in her eyes. But I need to shrug this feeling and keep my strong, cold front.

“It doesn’t matter. You can’t do anything about it anyway.”

“Sooyoung ah…”

I removed her hands off me and turned around. She backhugged me but I just remained motionless. I have mixed feelings inside me. I missed her also but there is this part of me that loathes her.

“Where have you been? I’ve been expecting to see you here but all I got to see was Hyomin…”

“Seriously Jessica? You’ve been hiding from me these past few days and then now…you’re asking me where in the Earth am I? I thought you didn’t care.”

I wasn’t supposed to say that but I got carried away with my emotions. I am half-bitter, and half-pissed off on what she did to me. These are the grudges I’ve been keeping since she initiated the break up. I just want to let it out.

“That’s not true, I care for you. Yes, it’s not right for me to run away and not talk to you. But I’m not ready to face you because I’m afraid that I won’t stand in my decision… that I’ll regret what I’ve done.  And that’s exactly what’s happening now. I shouldn’t have done that. It’s just that I’m too fed up with everything about you and…Tiffany.”

“With Tiffany? Don’t you know what happened that night? I told her to stop loving me and get a new life. I was convincing her to forget everything we had before. And then there you are, making a fuss about it.” I inched away from her and went near the windows. I sensed that she just followed me.

“Soo, I got jealous! Can you blame me for feeling that way? And the fact that you lied to me is just too much. You never did that to me before.”

I was stoned with that. I’m guilty of what she’s saying. And what worsens this sickening feeling is the fact that I admitted to Tiffany that I love her knowing that I’m already attached to Jessica. Just then, my heart curled when I saw her teary eyes.

“I want to explain but you didn’t give me a chance. Instead, you left me. I tried to reach out, but you went farther. I don’t know what else to do!”

“That’s why I’m here! I’m sorry…I really am… I’m not perfect, I do mistakes and I admit it. I regret it every single time I think about it. Sooyoung ah…”

Her voice cracked up and she’s on the verge of crying. I avoided my gaze at her and bit my lip. She then came near to me and held my hands.

“Youngie, I’m sorry...”

“……….”

“I still love you Sooyoung ah. And I never stopped loving you…please…I want us back.”

WHAT?! I darted my eyes at her with shock. I wasn’t expecting she’ll do this either.

She wants us back.

But…

We can’t.

I promised to Fany that I’ll clear it off with Jessica, not the other way around.

But then again...

How can I do that to Jessica who did nothing but love me with all her heart.

Should I tell her now what happened between I and Miyoung?

No. I doubt I can do that.

Not this way. Not in this timing. I already let her down.

I can’t do that again.

Yes, judge me whatever you want. I’m not denying I’m a coward anyway.

“Don’t you think it’s too late for that?” I spank myself for blurting it out. That was just ruthless for me to say.

She did not respond. All I have in return were nothing but soft whimpers. She’s crying. And that’s making me feel worse. Guilt is creeping me out.

“Sica, that’s not what I meant. D-don’t cry…”

“Tell me, did you and Tiffany get back together?”

I hesitated for a moment to answer it. Should I really answer it right now? I tried to look at her eyes but I can’t. I’m so messed up. At this point, doubt and confusion starts to consume me again. It feels like I’ve done the biggest mistake in the world. If only I listened to Tiffany before, we won’t reach this point. I wouldn’t have met Jessica, and she won’t be hurt like this. It’s my fault after all.

“Jessica, let’s talk about this tomorrow, please? I’m really tired.”

“No. I want to know it now.”

“But Sica—“

Jessica’s POV

“Just in answer me!”

I screamed out of frustration. I want to know it straight to the point rather than beating around the bush. I’m already hurt so there’s no more reason to cover things up.

“We’re just friends.”

I scoffed at it. Friends? They became friends again that easy? I thought she hated her. I thought she don’t love her anymore. And then now, they were friends again? Befriending the person you hated the most is not supposed to be an easy trip. But if there’s still lingering feelings, or should I say, love, from both of the parties, then it would not be such a hassle.

It stabs my heart with every word she said. Her words came out slowly but sounded a bit defensive. Actually, it doesn’t matter what words she was saying, all I was hearing was guilt. Like she’s saying, ‘I’m guilty’. . No matter what angle you try to look at it, she betrayed me. And that made me feel like a worthless trash. I just stood there, motionless, clueless of what to do.

“Do you love her more than you love me?”

Sooyoung hung her head then came over and put her arms around me. Moreover, she did the worst thing she could possibly do. She didn’t reply, and I feel as if my entire world is collapsing about my ears.

“I’m sorry… I love you and I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry about? I-I don’t understand…”

”I love you, Jessica. I really love you. But…”

And she said that word I’m dreading to hear. But. There’s always a but. I wish she never told me she loves me ‘coz it’s worsening the situation. I pulled away savagely and confront her.

“But what? What the do you mean, what are you talking about? What the is going on with you and her?”

I know it’s not my habit to use that F word but I don’t know how to express what I feel inside. I’m mad, pissed off, confused, anxious, nervous, and pathetic.

“Sica,. This has nothing to do with her. It’s about us.”

“What do you mean this has nothing to do with Tiffany? You ing idiot? Everything was fine before she came back. You said you love me. If that’s the case then why are we like this? Sometimes, I asked myself if you really love me or you just used me to forget Tiffany. It hurts me more if you keep faking your feelings for me.”

“Ya, that’s not true! I meant what I said to you before. How can you think that way? I never used you as a rebound or whatever you’re thinking. We both know that we loved each other more than anyone. You mean a lot to me and I owe a lot from you. You revived my life. You healed me. You saved me from despair. You gave me new hope. And you’re the reason why I’m still sane up to now. I loved you genuinely. So stop thinking like that. I never used you.”

“There it is, you’re the one who said it. You are just returning a favor to me.  She matters a lot to you compared to me. You love her more than you love me. And in the end, you’ll choose her over me.”

“Jessica…”

“Too bad for me but my efforts for you to forget her wasn’t enough, isn’t it? You know what, just admit it Sooyoung.”

“Jessica, it’s too much. You’re accusing me wrongly.”

“Oh just stop that hell Sooyoung. You tell that I hate her… I hate you... I hate both of you!”

I was shouting but my voice is breaking up. I couldn’t believe this. I couldn’t believe it was happening to me, and I slowly collapsed on the sofa, sobbing like a little girl, my body was shuddering so hard it was physically painful.

It was like someone had ripped out my soul and turned it into two. I never thought it would be this painful. I should have known better. I shouldn’t have initiated that stupid break up for if not because of that, we could be, at least, still together up until now.

Sooyoung knelt on the floor next to me, and started crying too. She put her head on my lap and her arms around my waist and we both stayed like that for a very long time, just crying.

Have you ever been in so much pain that you don’t think you can carry on? I just don’t know what to do anymore. Should I let her go? Should I give up? Or should I just keep on chasing her love even if it leads nowhere?  If I give up on her, will it make things easier? For her, maybe yes. But for me? I doubt it.

I looked at her, she’s still sobbing on my lap so I run my fingers through her hair. I can’t stand the sight. If it’s really over for both of us, I think I’m gonna miss her. I’ll miss her a lot. So much. I’ll be worst than a dead person. My life would be miserable without her. It’s going to be my downfall.

I stood up and left her on that spot. I tried to wipe my tears but they don’t just stop on welling up. I picked up my clutch bag and my phone, then headed to the door. I need to get out. I want to go home. And this isn’t my home. This won’t be my place anymore. I need to get back to my OWN flat.

“Sica, where are you going?” she said and then I stopped. One last look. That’s all I need. So I turned around and then flashed a faint smile.

“If I tell you where, will you come with me?”

“Don’t do this Jessica. Just stay here, it’s already midnight. It won’t be safe outside.”

“But my heart is not safe when I’m in here. I can’t handle this.”

Before my tears overflow once more, I found my way out of her place. She’s calling my name but I didn’t look back again. I heard footsteps following me so I was more of running this time. Good thing the elevator was on the 12^th while I was on the 9^th so I didn’t have to wait that long. I frantically pressed the button until it opened, then I lounged inside.

I pressed the button again to close the door, and gosh, when does the elevator door become this slow to close?

Faster, please… It was about to close, just a two-inch distance, I guess. But a hand stopped it from doing so. And it’s not mine. Then again, I cursed under my breath and mumbled that F word.

Sooyoung came in, catching for her breath, then she holds my hand. Hey, I’m embarrassed to admit this but do you know what I felt? At that precise moment, I didn’t feel anger. Instead, I felt a ray of hope. Pathetic much right? I still hoped that she will hug me, convince me that she still loves me, and we’ll start all over again, just like the movies. But this isn’t a movie, or a typical t.v. drama.

“Jessica, don’t go.  If you don’t want me here, then I’ll leave.”

“You don’t have to because you already left me.”

She was frozen. Guilt was written all over her face. I knew it. This is over. I hate to say this but we are over. It could have been less painful if I know that it’s not because of Tiffany. But it is. After all, Sooyoung has been hers, and never been mine.

I gently pushed her out of the elevator. She didn’t protest. As the door closes, I took a peek at the smallest gap of the door only to see Sooyoung in such a bad state. She’s also hurt, but not as much as I was, I guess.

I reached my apartment, threw my bag and heels somewhere on the floor and went straight to the pantry. I was looking for a liquor that will help me to drown this pain inside me. But I can’t find any. Oh crap, I just remembered that I abandoned this place for weeks so what do I expect? I didn’t give up so I tried scamming, for the second time, the ref, decks, and…oh, at the cupboard. I saw a half-emptied vodka bottle with a rusty closure. Not bad, I thought.

I sat on the couch, with the vodka bottle on my hand, and start consuming it. And on cue, my tears are racing from one another to escape my eyes. My mind was wandering on my pool of memories with Sooyoung. Everything. She’s the only one who’s on my mind right now. I can’t stop thinking about her. I can’t stop thinking about us. I gave everything to her.  I trusted her. She said she won’t leave me.

Liar.

Bastard.

Idiot.

.

I hate her.

I hate her.

I really hate her.

I love her.

I love her so much.

I love you Sooyoung.

Why did you do this to me?

Why?

I saw a picture frame on the table beside my couch. It’s a picture of us. She, hugging me from behind wearing a huge smile on her face, while I, holding unto her hand, leaning on her, and smiling. With that, tears didn’t stop from welling up. I picked up the frame and threw it on the wall. I picked everything I saw in front of me and threw it elsewhere. Everything’s a mess. I was indeed like a mad man right now, but who the care about me?

When there’s nothing i can throw off, I slowly slumped on the floor with my back leaning on the wall. I curled up my knees and dug my face on it. Soon, I get tired on crying, or should I say, I’m dehydrated because there’s no more tears coming out of my eyes. But I want to cry. I want to cry all night. Is this a sign that I already lose the pain? We cry when we are hurt. So does this mean I’m not hurt anymore? That fast?

I’m kidding myself right? To make sure that I didn’t feel any pain anymore, I picked up a shard from the frame I broke earlier. It’s glistening. It’s sharp. It must hurt me if I gash it on me. So I tried it. I placed it on my wrist, feeling the coldness of the glass right through my veins, and then starts to make a horizontal motion, back and forth.

I don’t feel anything.

Am I numb?

Or the pain did just go away?

I was never contented so I cut it deeper, until a red liquid comes out from my wrist. And seriously, it doesn’t hurt. I laughed at myself. This is fun indeed. I’m not hurt even if I cut myself. So this must’ve been a sign. The pain must’ve gone. Thanks to you vodka.

But then suddenly, I felt a burning sensation at my wrist. It worsens every second until the throbbing was too much for me to bear. I’m feeling high and dizzy, and never noticed that there’s already a red pool beside me. It hurts. It really hurts. A tear rolls down on my face.

Finally, I felt it. The pain. It’s not gone. It’s just hiding. Like the pain Sooyoung inflicted on me. It will never go away. I’ll forget it at some point but sooner or later, when circumstances were not on your favor, painful memories will surfaced out again.

My eyelids are becoming heavy and i’m having a hard time to breathe.  The discomfort on my wrist is getting worst and I don’t think I can do anything about it. Is this the end? Before my mind out, I managed to reach my phone, and saw my wallpaper, Sooyoung.

I smiled at it and kissed the screen. Oh God only knows how much I love this girl.

I can’t afford to lose her.

I have to do something.

I should go back to her and say, ‘it’s okay. I forgive you Sooyoung.’

And then we’ll start all over again.

So I tried to stand but I failed.

I tried to move but I can’t.

My body was not cooperating to me anymore.

I just cried and cried and cried. Until the light I see slowly turns into darkness…

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oops?! what happened? crazy me huh? should i kill one of the characters? hmm...

don't worry... no one's going to die...for now :)

so enjoy and please do leave a comment if you have time.

thank you guys!

i love you all^^