Hi!

To everyone who took their time reading this composition, thank you. 

I am not Kim Jonghyun's biggest fan. In fact, he's my least favorite member in SHINee. But I still feel broken by the sad news that came. His passing made me cry right from the very moment they declared he was gone up to now while writing this. I just don't know yet how to cope up with the fact that I will no longer see him or get to know him better. I think I will come to love him too like his fans, but the chance already passed.

His voice was really good. I kept two of his songs in my playlist--'Breathe' and 'Lonely'. They were two sad songs that I love. I don't go through the same kind of depression that him and some of us do, but I love sad songs. They stir my feelings in a way that it creates me inspiration and so results to my writing. Like for the past three days, I couldn't go on a day without listening to 'Breathe'. I listened to it while going to work, while going home, while in my sleep, while awake, and while trying to find the words I wanted to tell him in my own way through this piece.

Besides writing, I nonstop scroll through my twitter feed for news of him or memories that others tweet about him. Other times I turn to youtube to watch the videos of his fans and colleagues going to his memorial. They look all broken and along with them my heart mourns too.  I cry because of the simple things. Just seeing the sad look on those people's faces, hearing the cries of hurt, and watching everything pass like a blur of grey, I feel like I lost something important too. I don't know. An outsider might raise a brow at my behavior--and I'm pretty sure this has already happened to you--but they just don't understand, do they? They don't, because they weren't there. They weren't the ones that got attached and invested emotions on someone that is now gone unlike us fans.

And to think that he thought there was no other way out. That the only way to get away from the pain was disappearing eternally. How can you not be affected? There are people out there struggling to keep on living, but we have this one question--why? Why are there people like him so sad, consumed by the thoughts of death being better than living and breathing. But have we stopped to look closely at these people too? Maybe they feel too trapped to move. Maybe life is so cruel to them that it was so difficult for them to even breathe. That it pains them to even just do that simple task of keeping themselves alive. So, they end their suffering by the only way they know. That doesn't mean though that they had ended their life. To them, this is their way of becoming free from what hurts them the most.

Aren't we all the same?

It just so happen that we have different approaches to how we deal with our own darkness, our own demons.

I am not saying that suicide is to look upon as an option if we wanted to quit. Still, being alive is beautiful. I still believe that we should be alive to know where our journey ends. Because this life is borrowed. We came from ash and will return to ash by nature's will; not with our own hands. So, you should be responsible with your own life and be grateful. Do not hate that you are alive. Do not feel like there's nothing for you here, because one way or another you will eventually find what's for you. It may not be now or ten or twenty years later, but you will. Because all of us are created to be something, isn't it? It's just like you not knowing what you want in life, so you end up getting a job only because you have to earn money to keep living. But soon, you hone yourself, you learn more things, and then suddenly you realize what you want before isn't something that you want now. So, you put yourself out there to look hard for it. For your dream. And then when you find it, just don't let go. Do everything to get it. 

But don't work too hard, okay? Don't sacrifice too much of your own that one day you may feel like you hate yourself. Breathe. Learn to stop. Just stay still and do something away from what troubles you. Balance your life. The happy and the sad. The easy and hard. The dark and light. It always come in pairs. Because life rolls that way--never stops, in all the messy directions. It's never easy. It's never always only happy. Most of the time isn't life so hard? But what keeps you going? The happy thoughts, the beautiful memories, the present that you are waking up to and the future that you can look forward to.

Lastly, do not ever feel you are alone and do not hide your feelings. Your demons will eat you if you stop communicating. Always try to reach out and if no one wants to hear you, still shout what is troubling you. Release it from your chest or otherwise it's scary to combust. Do not let yourself come to that, because there is no going back. Life isn't always a trial and error. It's not always giving you enough choices, so pick the best decisions and always stick to it. You don't have to be afraid. And even if sometimes you lose, know that one day you'll have the chance to win. It may not be the most perfect win, but be it enough to put a genuine smile on your face especially if you put your heart into it and give it your all.

Live life to the fullest.

You're alive, so act it.

After all, it's not always that bad.

There are stolen moments when you are happy, too.

So, try not to think too much.

Nothing you are given you can't handle.

It's okay to make mistakes, for everyone does.

Do not fear life.

Do not run away from it.

Feel tired, but don't quit.

You've worked hard.

I just want to let you know all that.

Thank you for just being alive,

mejustgotlucky

I have poured out my heart and soul in this. Just trying to let out all the pent up feelings I can no longer handle. Hopefully, we will all heal from this loss. Please always pray for his soul and your loved ones. Always let them know how much you love them because you don't know when the time is up for any of us.