Dear Jonghyun,
 

It’s the first night after I came to finally send you away. I’m alone in my own room now and scared. It’s dark inside, the windows and door closed. I lay down on the bed, trying to inhale your scent, make it stay. Trying to memorize it the best way I can so that I won’t forget you in every way possible.

Your eyes that always crinkle when you smile. Your nose that I’d nuzzle mine to in affection. Your cheek I’d kiss because I simply wanted to. Your mouth that would turn up every time I say ‘I love you’ and would touch me with kisses, passionately or feather-like. Your strong arms that would wrap around me protectively. Your chest that I’d love to lean on to when we fall asleep together in bed or when I am weak and just wanted to cry by you. Your heartbeat pressed to my ear that pound faster whenever I am near. Your legs that tangle messily with mine whenever we cuddle.

Or your breath that fan my face and make it feel flushed whenever you’re so close to me. Or simply your warmth that protects me from the cold. Or your voice that lulls me to rest. Or your stare that follows me anywhere I go. Or the way you just watch me as if you’re pouring out with it how much you feel for me. Or the way you hold me as if you won’t let go.

I miss everything about you.

No. I miss you. I already miss you.

But you are not here with me anymore.

The reality that you will no longer open your eyes, that you have stopped breathing, that your heart halted beating, that you ceased to exist and you left me alone finally sank in only when I am finally alone inside our room. No. It used to be ours, but how can I call it ‘ours’ if you’re no longer here? If you left without saying anything?

I have stayed during your mournful wake unable to shed tears. People came and then went, paying their respect to you and I stayed on the side greeting them with your mom, dad and sister. They were all crying. But I can’t. I only stood up, knelt, bowed and repeated the same process, not uttering a word, while wearing mourning clothes of white and black, a ribbon pinned on the side of my hair also bearing the colour of loss, of grief.

At first, I didn’t understand why I had to wear those layers of mourning clothes but when I saw you lifeless on that hospital bed, eyes eternally closed, lips blue, chest no longer heaving up and down, hand unmoving, your skin no longer warm, I came to see why. But I didn’t want to understand. I didn’t want to acknowledge that you’re gone, so I stubbornly held onto you. No one was able to pull me away from you.

I was not able to keep track of time, but I guess since it was already dark then, it was probably at night time that I pulled away and accepted the clothes that your mom prepared for me. Clothes I didn’t expect to wear so soon and in your wake. I couldn’t help but feel incredulous. Why do I need to wear those clothes? You will wake up! I told myself while my hands shook as I held them. I was in denial. Too lost for words. I knew the truth; you’re gone. Out of my reach. But you’re too young. Just too young to leave. It’s all too soon, love. I wanted to throw away those clothes out of anger. They weren’t clothes I wished to wear when meeting you. But I have no choice, do I?

Why does it have to be you that must be plucked out of the garden on earth? I don’t understand. I still don’t want to understand.

I had hoped that all this was just a bad dream. But then, I woke up the next morning finding myself on a makeshift bed next to your memorial portrait. You were smiling in that picture. I guess, I was the one that took it when we had our date in a park. I can’t remember the exact things that happened that day but I knew you were truly happy then and that look on your face could never have been any more perfect for display. To show that you had a good life. That you were not really alone.

But did you really feel that you were not alone? Or is it just my wishful thinking? Have I done something to at least lessen your feeling of loneliness?

As I wondered, contemplated about it while looking at that portrait, I started to have doubts. And it stood there as if it was mocking at me. As if telling me something that I didn’t know. That I should have known.

Five horrible days I had to do that and I hadn’t even shed a tear. People gave me mixed looks. I could tell by the subtle looks they were giving me that they either pitied me or thought I was so strong they haven’t seen me cry. Not even your family did. I didn’t cry in front of them. The truth hasn’t sunk in then. I still had hopes even until the end that this was some April Fool’s joke, but no one had jumped from behind the doorway, pointed at my face and shook with laughter because of my horrible state—face pale, eyes bloodshot, lips dry. I couldn’t take a shower for two days because I didn’t want to leave your side and sleep rarely visited me the entire time. I am afraid that even then you’ll leave. So, I stood in one spot and seldom left. Maybe you’ll come for me if I stayed where I was.

But no one still told me it was a prank even after you had been engulfed in fire and reduced to ashes. I would have never done that to you, but your sister said it was your will to return where you came from. Ashes. I didn’t understand why she knew. But she said you thought when you were younger it was better that way. You can free up space. You don’t have to be buried six feet under the ground and be trapped once more in the dark abyss that you so desperately want to escape.

I was in denial of your death. Now, that you’re gone and no one is to hold me, I cry. I wallow in the sorrow of losing my lover, my best friend, my future. I really thought you were my future. You made me believe that you are. You would be it. You said you wanted to be with me for the rest of your life.

When you said that to me did you mean to be with me forever or did it really mean until your last breath? Did you really mean it anyway? Did you mean everything you said and everything that you promised?

You said you will marry me someday. You said you’ll put another ring on my finger besides the promise ring you bought me during college on our first year together. You said that you want to build a family with me, have many kids and get a job for our bread and butter. You said that if we have a son you will teach him first how to play the guitar and if it is a daughter the guys would have to go through you before they even get to touch any of her hair. You said that you’ll make me happy. The happiest girl on earth.

But why am I the saddest girl now?

I am curled on my side clutching tightly onto your favourite grey shirt, crying out the pain silently while thinking of your promises. Hearing you say them made my heart flutter and made me happy. I believed that you are my future. My future is in you. My heart, mind and soul have long acknowledged this. I have always looked forward to the future with you.

Our wedding held in our late 20s. Five children of our own in our 30s. An around the world trip in our 40s. Our silver wedding anniversary in our 50s. Grandchildren in our 60s. Our gold wedding anniversary in our 70s. They have become my fantasy, my daydream.

But now, looking back at those dreams about our future, I only feel nothing but sadness, disappointment; a darkness trying to swallow me in.

It hurts so much I couldn’t breathe properly. I puff up deep breaths, but barely could. I am shaking, but you’re no longer there to hold me. You’re no longer there to help stop the pain.

You are always the one who have comforted me and told me comforting words—‘You’re fine’, ‘You’ll be fine’, ‘You did well’, ‘It’s okay to be sad’, ‘You don’t have to blame yourself’, ‘It’s okay to make mistakes’, ‘You have worked hard’—but have I said enough to you the same way? I feel like I could have said that to you, a lot more times, but the opportunity is already gone. How can I say them back to you now? How can I ever give you hugs that you needed then? How can I make up for the lost time, the lost chances? How can I right things now? Well, I cannot.

You’re gone and I am blaming myself for not doing enough. I could have spent more time with you when you were still alive. I could have said ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’ so many times more than I did before. I could have kissed your pain away. I could have tried harder. More so, I should have known you needed help. That you’re just waiting for someone to notice how much you were hurting on your own. Why didn’t I see it coming?

I know there are more days that you are sad than not, but you smiled around me all the time. You didn’t tell me how deep you were already in the darkness swallowing you in. You didn’t speak your plea. You only looked at me longingly all the time and had that sad smile if you found me questioning that look on your face. But I should have known. You were waiting for me to realize it on my own, right? You wanted to let me know but you couldn’t say it. Because you’re not that kind of person. You don’t like to bother me especially when I also had it hard. You don’t like to express your feelings when you think it would only put more burdens on my shoulders.

But shouldn’t you allow me to share your burden too? I rely on you but why don’t you rely more on me? You should have known I will always be there for you. We are always in this together. Aren’t we a team? Didn’t we build this relationship from trust? You should have put more faith in me that I can and will always be there for you no matter what. You will never be a burden to me. You will always be important to me. I will always be thankful to you. I love you. And no matter what, you should know I will do everything to protect you too. I can protect you. I will try to.

Now, I can only wish that I tried harder. That at least I should have been more eager to pick you apart, make you open up to me, so that I came to know your demons too. I could have befriended them and made them realize life itself is in fact beautiful. You don’t have to think hard about it. You don’t have to force yourself to be perfect. To me you already are everything. You are the best. I love you for you. People also love you for you. You are a beautiful flower.

Why did you try so hard that it broke you? Why did you think you weren’t doing enough? Why aren’t you satisfied with yourself? Why did you not remember my words? I love you. All I want was for you to realize the beauty of the small things that matter more than the bigger ones. I can’t ask for anything more. I won’t ask more from you. You already gave me everything. You shouldn’t have thrown that away. You don’t have to. You can keep all the things the way you want them to. You don’t have to always sacrifice something in order to make others happier than you. You don’t have to put yourself last. Sometimes you need to be first in your life, also.

You know that don’t you?

Your life is yours to live. You should have just done that without doubting yourself or questioning why you are happy. You probably can’t find your purpose, but isn’t that something you come to know after so many years of trying? I should have told you that. Made you understand. You can always stop and sit for a while and then I’ll tell you funny stories to distract you. Maybe you’ll forget what you were worrying about. But then you can always go back to worrying and then just laugh again. It doesn’t have to feel like a routine. I know the cycle can be tiresome, but you can’t feel exhausted enough to quit, at least. Finding a reason to laugh is a good enough reason to have strength, right? I should have told you that.

Why can’t I be the friend that you told your problems to? Now I regret so much. And I hate that I barely know anything about what pain you must have been in. I hate that you didn’t leave a trace. Why do you leave them your will and yet not say something to me? It’s like to you I am not your lover. Why didn’t you allow me to peek inside your thoughts? Even when you’re back to being ashes, I didn’t hear from your sister about you leaving me a letter or a note. Do you know that I’ll be crushed if I read it that you didn’t leave me with anything but our memories?

You’re so selfish. You’re so cruel. But then I’d think about you not saying anything and I realize you are not selfish. But your selflessness is to a fault. You love me so much that I don’t know what you have sacrificed to make sure I stay happy. But even that you failed to do so, because you left me. I don’t think I will ever be happy again. No. Perhaps I can be happy again but that’s not going to be any time soon.

You stole a huge part of me through your sudden death and brought it with you to wherever you are now. In heaven. Maybe you’re now even going to be one of the stars that we gaze at night while cuddled warmly on a blanket in our garden. Will you finally become a part of a constellation? Will I be able to find you twinkling in the darkness?

I hope I do.

Because I don’t know what I will do right now without you. I feel like I lost my north when you went. That I’m too empty to keep going. People hugged me and patted my back saying that I will eventually get through this and move on, but those are just words. They don’t know how big the void you left is. It’s too big that I don’t know how to fill it back in. I don’t know if I can even recover from the pain your death caused. You never gave me so much pain. It’s just hard right now. But I don’t blame you. You have done so much to make me happy. It’s just the situation.

We met at the right time. I think I might have done something to change your mind if ever you have had these sad thoughts for so long. But I didn’t think I was just there to delay that one moment by a few more years.

Tell me, have you been happy for at least one single moment while with me? Did I at least put a genuine smile to your face? Have I done something to take away some of your pain? Was there a time that you chose to live for me? I know I couldn’t be the sole reason why you’re breathing, but I do want to know whether a tiny part of you thought that I can give you reason to do so each day that we were together. Now, though, I can only ask those questions and I would never get to know the answer from you.

I will live each day wondering. Of the reason. Of the what ifs. Of what could it have been like with you later on in life. If only. Now, I can only just imagine a future with you. All our plans no longer. How can a single moment change everything?

It’s sad our timing isn’t just right. It’s sad that we met in such an unhappy place. It’s sad that we met in this life. We should have met in a better circumstance. Why is fate so cruel?

However, it is too late to regret having met you only to lose you. So much has happened between us that I can’t just say you shouldn’t have done what you did. I will still choose this life having met you. I would have changed the ending if I could. But something is better than nothing, right? It’s better to have met and loved you than not at all. I wouldn’t have felt so alive if it weren’t for you. I wouldn’t know what it’s like to be loved if it isn’t for you.

Our time has been great that I don’t think any other moment will mean so much to me than what we had. Can I even create better memories without you, my love? Will I be able to create them one day without wishing for it to be with you and not with another person? I probably won’t be able to stop myself from wondering how it would feel like to do this and that again or do things we never tried before. I will probably still always wish it is you. I may not be able to find a love like ours. I don’t think I can love anyone as much as I love you. A part of me will always be with you. That part may not want to come back to me and share herself with another. Because you’ll always be our one true love. Our love that came but left. Our love that is never meant to stay.

My one and only that got away.

I don’t regret every single day that I am with you. I will not forget you. You know that I will not ever do that. I am trapped in memories of you. I don’t know how to move on from that right now, to be honest. It’s just too painful I can’t do anything at all. My body is weak. I feel like time has frozen after your death. Life stopped for me the moment you ceased to exist and I don’t know how to move on. People said I can do this, but I don’t think I am not that strong. How can you move on from the love of your life? I hate to do that because I am afraid that it will mean forgetting you. So, I hold on to everything while I can. Until these feelings are here, I probably won’t try to move on. I want to first engrave every one of them in my being before I try to make space for other feelings to fill the void.

I know for sure that you wouldn’t like what I am thinking or doing. But let me mourn for a while. Please. I need this more than anything—more than any comfort people are offering to me, more than reassurance, more than words of encouragement. I want to mourn my loss. I want to cry my heart out for you until there are no more tears. Because I don’t think I will be able to handle it if I don’t break down, even for once. I want to feel the pain that’s consuming me, because if I don’t I think I will explode into tiny dust of stars. I think I’ll go crazy. Maybe I am already in the brink of becoming crazy. Because I think I won’t be able to go on another day without you.

I want to follow you but people won’t let me. Constantly, they try to reach me saying they were worried for my mental being, so I cut off all communication at the moment. I just can’t let them see me at my state right now. I’m pretty sure they are all dying to hear from me just like how I went crazy not being able to reach you the day you decided to end the pain.

Tell me, is this how lonely and hurt you felt? Or is it more than I can imagine that you just thought to escape? Perhaps, it’s the latter, huh? My pain can’t compare to yours, I know. Because even after everything, I still think that one day it will go away. One day, I will be okay. It’s not soon, but maybe in ten or twenty or thirty years later? I can still think that. But you probably had these same thoughts one moment and the next you don’t feel like it again, is it? It’s that too much, huh?

I am not too sure before, but now I think I know the reason for your sighs. I know it even without you saying anything. You were having a hard time, yet you were still trying your best to live, to breathe. I should have known how hard it must have been for you to just do the simple task of breathing. Maybe I could have given you more hugs without you asking for it. Or kissed your pain better. Would it have changed your mind? I want to know the answer, but I think that question would have to remain a question for now.

Maybe after this lifetime, if I find you again anywhere you are in our next life, I will know the answer. Perhaps the world is going to be a better place for you by then and then I can love you again. It doesn’t matter how long I have to wait, love. I will look forward to that day that I will come face to face with you again and then I’ll give you more hugs, more kisses. This time I won’t let go of you. I will hold you tightly in my arms. I will not let my eyes of you. We will create more beautiful memories. I will show you how much I love you and I will tell you again that ‘I love you’. ‘I miss you’. ‘I’m sorry’.

Most of all, ‘Thank you’.

Thank you for being a best friend, a companion, a shoulder to cry on, an inspiration, but most of all for being my beloved. For sharing your heart, mind and soul to me. For allowing me to be the closest to you. For being my everything.

You must be disappointed that I am still crying, but for now I will. I won’t hold back. Maybe you’ll be there through the wind and whisper soothing words. If it is true, I want to feel it. So, that even in my dreams you will hold me in your arms and I will turn to you to hold you the same way while telling you the words you always want to hear.

If ever you are tired.

If ever you cannot hold on to any hope.

If ever you just need a cry.

This time, don’t hold back.

I’ll be there.

Not to say good bye.

But to say,

“You did well.”

“You went through a lot.”

“You have it hard.”

“You’ve worked hard.”

“I am always here.”

 

Always and forever,
Sarang.