Who

A Farewell

I don't want to believe this, and I can't bring myself to acknowledge it either. Jonghyun, Kim Jonghyun, the man who I would never ever stop loving with all my heart. You helped me through so much and I hate myself for not letting you know how much I appreciate your music, your voice, your laugh, your everything. I hate to come to the realisation that I will never see you in person, EVER!!! I wanted to go to a SHINee concert at least once in my life to see for myself how beautiful and etheral each and everyone of you are. I hate that you seemed fine and just when things were getting back on track, everything came crumbling down... shattering my already broken heart. You know I always have this thought in my head, "What will I do if one of the SHINee members were to die? How would I handle that amount of grief? How would I be able to overcome that much pain?" But not once did I think that it would be so soon. So soon and at such a young age, you, Kim Jonghyun had decided to end your own life. I don't know what you were going through or what was going through your mind when you made up your decision. I don't want to live my life knowing that I was never able to see you and love you more than I already do, and I hate, hate, hate that this year ended the way it did. I was in school when my two friends came into my classroom, one crying her eyes out. I did not expect this at all, not the slightest and I ran out the room and tried to find out what happened. They took my phone away and hesitated to tell me what was going on, but eventually I found out and it felt like my heart was ripped out of my body. I can't believe it and I am physically and mentally unable to still come to the realisation that you have left your mum, Sodam, Roo, Jinki, Kibum, Minho, Taemin, your co-workers and your beloved fandom- SHINee World behind. You had your reasons and I respect them, but I want you back so badly that my heart is yearning and aching for you. You have stuck by our sides for so long and I appreciate all the wisdom you have planted in my mind and heart. I fought my own battles from the strength and support your words and songs gave to me, but I didn't realise that you needed someone too. I feel like there were signs but they were all overshadowed with the good news of SHINee coming back as FIVE! Of you having your long awaited comeback and everything good that was going to happen next year. 2018 was supposed to be SHINee's year, you were supposed to have your solo comeback, your group comeback, your dome and kyocera concerts, your 10 year anniversary celebration party... your birthday party. When you said that you were going to be busy in December but have no activities at the end of the year, the thought of your not being here to have those activities never crossed my mind, not once. I want to blame myself for not at least giving you hope to keep fighting back like you did with me and so many other people who are going through some really bad things. I wanted to wait until you came back on Blue Night so that I can spend my time listening to your sweet and soothing voice, the songs you released for your fans, the encouraging and positive views of how life should be viewd. I love everything about you, from your hair, your sparkly eyes, your pretty smile, the way your eyebrows go when you smile so hard, your loud laugh, the way you get emotional so easily and cry quickly, your unique voice, your cute nose, and your amazing body no matter how insecure you felt about it, your random and overreacting bursts of anger on TV shows, your love for your sister, mum, the SHINee members and SHINee World. I can't stop crying and I want to hold you so badly in my arms and give you the strongest and longest hug ever, allow you to cry your pain out on my shoulders and hold you tighter whilst patting your back and whispering "everything will be okay..." But that will never happen. And that breaks my heart more. I want to be reminded of your beautiful voice and the songs you have produced and composed for us, I don't know if you felt like you were lacking, whether that was due to the fact that your sales were low or your views were low. None of that mattered to me because I love you. I love you so so much that my heart is hurting everytime the I remember that you won't ever see any of this. I kept thinking about random things, who will cheer Taemin anytime he gets an award and brag about him on social media and call himself the mother of Lee Taemin? Call himself the president of Taemin's fanclub. Who will Minho hug tightly when SHINee has performed their last song at a concert or when SHINee has won an award, and you're crying your eyes out? What will Kibum do knowing that his soulmate is gone, and regret the fact that he was not there in the country like every other member was? Who will Jinki love to back hug and pat on the back when you're not there? Who will sing Please, don't go with Jinki again? Who will Taemin bother to write new songs for his new album? Who will Minho get compared to regarding his height? Who will Kibum try to overdo when singing Like a Fire? Who? It's you Jonghyun, it's you. They will all miss you so much more than I will, because they've been with you for over 10 years, and you guys are a family, and family means no one gets left behind. They will carry your passion and dreams with them in their hearts for as long as they live, and I don't want to know the amount of pain and misery they are suffering right now. Because if this is how I feel for having known you through my computer and phone screen for 4 years, then what about them? I can't imagine it. I want to tell all of them to be strong, but I can't bring myself to do that when I myself am finding it more than difficult to pick up the broken pieces of my heart. I feel like I'm stuck in a bad nightmare and I want someone to violently shake me awake from this, but that won't happen. This is the cold, hard and heartbreaking reality we're all trying to wake up from. I'm just thinking of all these possibilities, like what if the ambulance came quicker, what if they found you quicker, what if they got your health condition back to normal? What if you... never did this in the first place? When 2017 came, I never even thought that the beautiful Dino I see dancing with s and celebrating like everyone else around him would not stay longer to see the beginning of 2018. Not once did I think I would not see SHINee as 5 on stage next year, not once did I think that I would see the day you ended your own life. For I thought you would live longer to enjoy your life and spread your knowledge and wisdom to those around you, I thought you would one day find the love of your life and marry him/her and have lots of beautiful children with them. I thought I would see you to the day when I watch you get grey hair and grow old with your loved ones beside you, and finally die in a warm bed surrounded by your family and friends. Not like this. No. Never like this. Never by yourself in your apartment, thinking the only way to end your pain was by taking your own life away at a very young age. I want you back Jonghyun, please wake up and tell me that you were just pulling a sick prank on all of us, please... You were not lacking in anything my love, you were the strongest soul I had come to know and I'm so grateful for the time I have known you. I hate using past tense when talking about you because it makes it that much more real, that you're gone. I don't want that, and Jonghyun, this was NOT the reality any of us wanted, or ever even thought about. You mean so much to me, and I want to keep talking about you without stopping because I have so much things I want to say. But all of it comes to three words in the end, I LOVE YOU. I love you more than I did ever before because you are an angel in my eyes and I look up to you more than I have ever looked up to anyone. You are my role model Kim Jonghyun. And I am so sorry you have suffered and weren't able to talk about it, you have worked extremely hard my love, very very hard, so well done for everything you have done. You continue to surprise me all the time, don't you? Well this time it wasn't a very pleasant one, but I know that now you are happy and have rid of your pain. You are in a much better place now, and as much as this breaks my heart to say, Rest In Peace you beautiful Angel. You deserved better and I will continue to fight my battle just like I have when you were here, and I will make you proud just like you have made me. I love you Kim Jonghyun, and I will never stop loving you.

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AIMRWV
Trying to advertise this for the 18th but someone else is bidding really hard so I am running out of karma (already bought more for over 30dollars) so if you have some spare you are willing to donate, I would be really thankful.

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Redofthedawn
#1
I'm aware that it isn't December but I just thought of this post. December will never be easy for a lot of us. I'm more aware of my depression around that time. I just became an adult and the realization that a lot can change has finally hit me. I'm not sure how to feel. People within my family have died or are dying and it seems like the only thing I'm allowed to do is move on. I'm no longer given the luxury of grieving the way I had with Jonghyun. There are so many fond memories that I can go back to with Jjong but for them I only have memories. So much has happened these past few years and while I'm not completely okay I can say there's plenty of room where I've healed.

As year 6 approaches I want my fellow Shawols to know that healing is hardly a linear task. It's okay to not be ready but where you are there's always going to be SHINee.

And Dear Author thank you for keeping this space for all of us.
luv_kero
2415 streak #2
Thank you for keeping this space for us for so many years <3 This milestone hit me a lot harder than expected, but seeing this brought so much comfort. Miss you to the moon and back, Jonghyun <3
Viola_Ella #3
Chapter 818: When I saw in newfeed I just realised today is the day. He is a sweet,kind and precious soul. I miss him.
Evelyn_64
#4
It’s been five years today and just a few days ago I turned 27, the age Jonghyun-ah was when we had to say goodbye to him. I have long since had to “become an adult” and learn what growing up means; yet every year I come back to this little space, and read some of the messages that people wrote for him, and think back to the letter I wrote at 22 and never shared with anyone. I think back to a memory of me looking at the full moon and talking to him for hours, telling him I missed him terribly. We still miss you, friend. I still remember you fondly. I still remember me at 17 dancing to Replay in my room. I’ll always cherish those memories of our Spring.



Author, I hope you have been doing well. Thank you so much for keeping this space running for so long, it brings comfort to some more than you’ll ever know.
OdetteSwan
909 streak #5
I'm so glad you won the bid. I will start collecting karma points again.
Good work.
OdetteSwan
909 streak #6
Chapter 818: I just really paid attention to SHINee this August. Yet, when Jonghyun passed away four years ago, I felt sad that another beautiful and caring person chose to leave this place. In fact, I didn't want to listen to any SHINee songs then.
Now, watching SHINee's MVs, I feel like I have accepted what happened and hope that he is really happy now.
Redofthedawn
#7
Time keeps moving on and I wonder why I can't just go back and fix things to when it was so peaceful. So much has happened in the last four years and it feels as though there's only SHINee left to comfort me. Jonghyun for so long I've written my letters to you and I couldn't this year because I couldn't find the strength or will to when I was feeling down. I haven't cried this much since I was a baby. I promised last year that I would tread the new year with caution and that didn't work out so great. There's more I wanna say but I just wish you knew how much I love you. Thank you for being born and sharing your light with the world. Sincerely I love you. 𝑰 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 ❤️
lovelyfeisty
#8
It’s been 4 years now and so it’s hard to believe that you left us, but I still do remember you as SHINee’s Blingbling Angel and as the brightest star that shines in the sky.

I used to feel so lonely after knowing that you left us, that I was listening to Lonely everyday for about a year, but now I just remind myself that you’re still with us, as the bright shining star watching over us from the night sky. ❤️
I will always love you.
wonpokemon
#9
i was InMemoryOfJonghyun!
just thought i'll let you know so you don't add this username again~ =]
anyways, good luck with the add and for all those who come here and are thinking of Jjong and of others and themselves.
aseulmonsta
#10
❤️