When I first got into k-pop, I was very young. I remember being 11 years old and first falling in love with you Jonghyun. You caught my eye, I really don't know why, but you just did. Maybe it was your voice or how you stood out to me as the most handsome man I'd ever seen. After that though, I feel for your personality, noticing how school crushes were nothing compared to you. So I lost those crushes too, making you someone I fell in love with. Your voice was one that I couldn't resist myself from loving and my favorite song from you has to be Guilty Pleasure. Although it sounds silly, believe me when I say the man I look up to in my life was always you, not my father. You were and will always be someone very special to me. When I found out about your death, it disturbed my life for the next few days. These emotions were bubbled up inside of me and all my friends tried to comfort me, but failed to do so. Until one day they suggested that I write a letter to you, take my feelings out on paper. So I wrote one, right there in front of them. People say when they read this letter it makes them cry, though I still feel as if it doesn't resemble my feelings well enough. But here is my letter for you that I wrote exactly three days after your death. And I'd just like to say happy birthday, since I know this will be uploaded in your birthday month. The day of your birth has always been special to me and I will never forget all the happiness I gained having you as a inspiration to me. Thank you for all you've done for me.

Letter -

Sometimes the people we think we won’t lose, we lose. Actually, we always know we have to let go of someone one day, but when the day comes, we are never prepared.

Just as I wasn’t prepared to lose you. It’s still something that I refuse to believe. I guess it’s a fault in me, not being able to give you the happiness you deserve. Death was something you so badly wanted, and that brings pain to me.

But then again I think about those who were actually close to you. Who actually knew you as a person and couldn’t take this. Wouldn’t they blame themselves? Wouldn’t they think that it was all their fault?

Sometimes, I see you smiling and wonder if it was ever really real. I doubt you had happiness, but doubting you seems so selfish of me. You were probably happy around your fans. But I understand that you didn’t have true happiness.

So many people looked up to you. Which is exactly why the world is so torn over your death. Some of those people were deeply attached to you, which is why they decided to take the same path as you.

My sister tells me that you wouldn’t want anyone to be in pain. Yet many are in pain, and I refuse to blame you for that. You didn’t want to be blamed in the first place. You just wanted happiness, and I hope you received that.

I just want you to be happy with what you have done. It shocks me to know that the person I thought was the happiest, was dying on the inside. When you smiled, it didn’t seem like you were in pain back then. Now, I go back to see you smile and notice how fake it looks. You were happy, but not the happiest. So many people loved you, but that wasn’t enough to make someone like you happy.

Inside my heart, you are and will always be special. I never really looked up to my dad, since I personally believe he has many faults. So five years back, when I first saw you, I decided to look up to you. You were the first man I ever actually wanted to be like.

You are a great inspiration to me. Once, you wrote and sang a song called ‘left handed’. Being someone who is left-handed I looked up to the way you said that you didn’t care what people said about you. Which taught me not to care what people said about me.

But it turns out, you were someone who took everything to heart. I always believed that you were just sensitive when I saw you cry. Turns out that depression was building up inside you and leaving you breathless.

I didn’t want that for you. You just deserved better. Everyone wanted the better for you, but sadly they failed to give you that.

So many people are struggling to let you go. So am I. It’s hard to just let someone who you cared for so deeply go. I remember having the biggest crush on you, but then that crush turned into something where I wanted you to be happy. It was like the love I have for my family members. And although I’ve never met you, I start to wonder what the real you was like.

Were you happy? Were you in pain?

I can’t decide anymore and it’s really bothering me. People are telling me that I’m just being ‘depressed’, but they don’t understand how strong of a word ‘depression’ is. I’ve never felt the way you felt, so I can’t say that if you lived on it would get better.

In your life, you never found love nor got married. All you cared for was your fans, family, and friends. Which is something I really liked about you. You put everyone else before yourself. But in the end, you noticed that it was time to do something for yourself.

I think about how you never had the happiness that I feel sometimes, and it just makes me upset.

Yesterday I watched your music video Dream Girl and saw you smiling so happily in that. Others have cried over Tell Me What To Do and sad songs, yet I teared up over Dream Girl. It seems stupid, but that video just brings up so many happy memories with you. About how much I treasured you and how precious you were to me. Actually, you still mean a lot to me. Some people just change your life for the better and it’s amazing how big of an affect you had on me.

When I cry for you, it seems stupid for some reason. But it isn’t stupid. Some people just mean a lot to you. And I wouldn’t have been this hurt if you didn’t take your own life. You just seemed so happy, it’s so hard to believe that you suffered in this life.

You committed a sin, and I can’t blame you. I just wish this world was a better place for you.

I just wish that this universe and time wasn’t so cruel to you. That those people didn’t say negative things about you. That it didn’t hurt you as much as it did. That those who lost you gain peace one day.

And that you have finally found your happiness in a place that was well suited for you.

Goodbye, and I’ll never forget you. In fact, I refuse to forget the happiness you gave me.

I just wish I could do the same for you Kim Jonghyun.

Rest in Peace.