SHINee was one of the few groups that me into kpop. I remember watching Lucifer 4 years ago for the first time, thinking that the guy driving had an amazing voice. That certain guy looked so cool. I listened to it on repeat for months. I remember the second song I came across, Ring ding dong. By then, I knew who Minho, Key, Taemin, and Onew were. But, this one guy who again caught my eyes was blank. No idea. Like before, I listened to it for months, and then that was it. I moved on. You might as well call it a "phase", a "SHINee phase". 4 years went by and I still didn't know his name. I watched more of their mvs, jammed to their songs but still didn't know his name. I laughed at so many of their memes, but still, nothing. I was not a Shawol, never considered myself as one, I was just a somewhat fan. A day before my exam my sister tells me that a member of SHINee died. I saw his face and his name on the screen.

I finally knew his name. I regret it. I regret that I this was how I came to know his name. Like so many, I cried. I cried before sleeping, I cried so much that I couldn't focus on my studies and I cried as if someone dear to me was gone forever. I'm crying because of how others are affected by this dreadful news. I regret that this was how I found out just how attached I was to him, to SHINee. I regret that I was not there to support him and the band, and I can do nothing except regret and hope that in the next life he'll be happy. I hope that he was not in pain during his final hours. I can hope that we as a whole support and help those that have depression or any other mental illnesses. I hope that we can accept the fact that mental illnesses are real and not something people "use" to get attention.

Jonghyun, I won't say that I know how you felt, or what you went through because I don't. But what I'm going to say is that I'm proud of you. I truly am, and even its heartbreaking that you are gone, I have to say goodbye and thank you for being you.