To Jonghyun:

After watching SHINee perform for their Japanese concerts, I cried a lot. I still cry a lot. They really love and miss you, but I'm sure you already know that. I know you're still performing with them, and I'm so proud of all five of you. That's the first time in a while I've actually been able to watch any SHINee videos at all.

Today I mustered up the courage to try and watch the Lucifer MV. Lucifer was the first kpop song I was introduced to, and it was the thing that led me to you. I felt completely fine when I clicked on the video, but as soon as the music started to play, I burst out into sobs. I'm sorry. I can't do it yet. I don't know when I'll be able to do it, but until then I'll always be thinking of you.

Ever since you passed, I've been changing my phone wallpaper to a different picture of you every week without fail. Admittedly in the past I used to be embarrassed to do anything like that, in the case that someone teased me for being a fangirl. But now, whenever someone asks who that is on my phone, I feel nostalgia. Fondness. Pride. I tell them, "Oh, that's Jonghyun. He's one of my favorite singers," and it's almost as if you aren't gone.

Be happy. That's all you're wished of now.

I'll write again when I'm finally able to watch Lucifer with a smile on my face rather than tears. Thank you and I love you.