To our Jonghyun

It all feels so surreal . It feels like an alternate universe. I'm still wondering how this could be reality. How could this happen to or Jonghyun. Who was so beautiful. So talented. So kind. So genuine. So worthy of life.

It’s especially unbelievable to know that while I, myself was contemplating taking my own life on that fateful Monday of December 18, 2017….our Jonghyun was already in the process of taking his.

In many ways I understand you. When I read your letter it was almost as if I could have written it myself. For me also, it's been hard living with these thoughts and can't shake feeling like it's my own fault, my own personality that causes this depression. I too, have not been able to turn this painful boredom into joy either. I too, want to run away. In many ways I can understand you.

And in many ways I cannot, because I am not you and no one will ever be able to understand the full extent of your heavy heart. However I can tell you this. You were not broken. Just hurting. It was not your fault, Jonghyun. You were only human. You were not worthless. You were amazing, one of a kind. Beautiful. Worthy of all of the love and understanding your heart must have desired. From the moment I saw you on my tv screen in 2009, you caught my eye and my heart. My only regret was not loving every moment I could see your shining face to the fullest extent.

In the past couple of days since you been gone. I’ve watched and read much about you. I feel like you and I share similar hearts, like you were someone I could have been friends with in another time and world.

Prior to your passing I was looking for a sign. A sign to live. I feel alone. Stupid. Worthless, Not good enough. Then to find out you had similar thoughts. A similar heart to mine. It feels unreal Scary. But perhaps maybe this is a sign to keep pushing through. Like Kibum said, to live better than am I now. I’m sorry for all of the pain and loneliness you that endured and pray that you are now receiving all of the comfort and happiness you could ever want. I wish that could have embraced you. Held your hand and told you how special, amazing, worthy, and important you are. That the world needed you and cannot be the same without you. I guess I’ll just look to the sky and tell you now.

If a life after this one exists, lets be friends and embrace each other. I’ll never forget you and will always pray for your internal peace while I’m still in this one. You did well and worked very hard, my precious angel.

Thank you
I’m sorry
I love you