The moment i hear that you are gone, my world stop spinning for a while. Everything was crystal clear and for a moment i feel the emptiness.
I never thought that losing someone will really affect your feeling for a long time, and when i lose you, i was battling with my feeling. For someone i don't personally know in person, i know i shouldn't feel sad. The word that coming from outsider such as "they don't even care if you are the one who's dying" "they don't even know if you exist or not" was hurting me more than i thought it would, because i was thinking about that for a while, and the more i think about it, the more it hurts. In my conscious, i know i shouldn't be so sad, the fact that i was a mere fans looking from a far, the facts that he didn't even know me personally or the facts that i should mourn over my recently died grandmother was the reason i kept battling with my feelings. Because no matter how real it was, i couldn't stop the sadness. The tears were falling without me knowing and it was so hard for me because i didn't have the reason to cry, and yet i can't stop grieving over it. The time when i hear his voice over the net was even rougher, i couldn't finish it without tearing my eyes up. I start to making up excuses for my tears. That he is the reason i keep drawing. That i grew up with him as a person i look up to, or the fact that he is the one who connect me and my best friend. Still, all the reasons doesn't add up for the feelings i had. Until certain point, i stop finding the reason nor thinking about the excuses i had to use. I just did. And there must be a reason for that and the reason is because it is kim jonghyun. And it become so much easier for me.
I didn't say i overcome my sadness. I still had tears in my eyes everytime i saw the news or replaying old video, but i didn't cry when i think about him. I only think the possibilities if i had the power to rewind the time, or if he actually didn't go, or others silly thoughts. But, he still jjong the dino i used to like in every imaginable way i had, and i want to keep it that way. Remembering him as the funny-mischief-kind-flirty guy. That always smile from ear to ear, that do silly things and laugh as sweet as he usually is. And i want to keep him as the one i look up to. Irl i am a game designer, and in june 2018 there will be a game competition, i have to win it so i can fly over to korea and visit him, paying my gratitude for having such a wonderful person in my life, and the rest wishes and thankful feelings i had for him will be told personally only for him.
Kim jonghyun, just you wait.