I haven't been into Kpop for a long time. In all honesty, I'm practically a fetus in all of this. I had gotten into Kpop a mere 6 months ago, and it was due to BTS. Regretfully, I stayed within my safe circle and didn't really branch out that much. And I'm so frustrated with myself that I hadn't. Because I hadn't, I had missed such a wonderful human being. I had only begun looking into Shinee a few days back, and I remember that the exact day and hour that he died, I was watching him and his group members on different variety shows and Shinee's music videos. And it was only the day after that I found out he had died. I had been chatting with my friends online, and a few articles kept popping up about him. I ended up reading a few, and I kind of just sat in shock. I told a friend of mine who I knew also liked Kpop. Like me, she thought I was joking. I told her to look it up, and she did. But unlike me, she had been a fan of SHINee for many years, and she started crying. I really didn't know him that well, but I told her that I was going to go to the group chat and play songs written by him, anyway. This whole time I was in disbelief, I don't think anyone thought that anything like this was going to happen. I just... didn't know what to do. I thought that it was weird that I was so affected by this even though I didn't know much about everything. I know that older fans were having the hardest time, but I couldn't stop myself crying for an hour straight. I began obsessively reading every article I could, watching any video with him in it, listening to his songs on repeat. I felt the need to make up for all the time that I could've known him and cherished him while he was still alive. Everything felt weird, and I had the most intense aching feeling in my heart and I couldn't breathe. I think most of my feelings were due to the fact that he had chosen to take his own life. I had been struggling with depression for three years, and I had many friends who were suffering as well, a lot of them self-harming. I just couldn't believe anything that was happening, and I wish I had known you longer when you were alive. The next few days I spent silent and reflecting. I kept up on all of the news about you, and I fell in love with your music. I've never been so frustrated. On the day of your private funeral, at the exact hour that it started, I played an endless loop of your songs out loud and I curled into a ball, not speaking but praying for you. I hope that there's a better place afterlife, and I hope you are there. I wish I had known you sooner and I'm screaming at myself in frustration. But even though I haven't had enough time knowing you, I love you, Jonghyun. I'm sorry that you felt the need to do what you did. The best I can do right now is to pray that you're resting in peace. You didn't deserve this.