I don't even know if you'll post this, but I really want to get this out. I'm not a huge fan of SHINee. I'm what I like to call a sometimes-fan. I listen to them occasionally and drool over photoshoots. I follow their social media, but I'm not as much of a die-hard fan of them as I am with BTS or GOT7. But the news about Jonghyun hit me hard.

I've been severely depressed for months and have even delved into self harm and occasional suicidal thoughts again. I actually attempted to kill myself this January/February (It was at 11:55 on the 31st and passed into the 1st), and I'm still having nightmares about it. Thinking about the mental and physical hospital I was rushed to in the morning sends me into a panic and it's really really hard to write this. But I think I need to, to just get it out.

I was listening to SHINee when Jonghyun was found unconscious. I was studying and jamming out to their playlist. From when they assume he attempted to when he actually passed, I was listening to them and admiring their amazing lead vocalist. It was really shocking to me, because I don't keep updated on his personal life. I didn't know if he was depressed or suffering. I saw a video covering his suicide in my second hour on the day he was found and I didn't believe it. I honestly thought that one of my favorite Kpop news channels, Hallyu Back, was falling under the spell of ty suicide jokes. I cursed and laughed in disbelief and was getting ready to comment 'Come on, guys. I thought you were better than this,' when he started talking. I still didn't believe it.

I looked into the comments and saw everyone's sad reactions and, again, didn't believe it. I pitied those poor fans that fell for this sick joke. I looked at the description and saw no jokes or anything, just sincere remorse and condolences. AGAIN, I didn't believe it. I didn't believe that Jonghyun was dead until my best friend saw me panicking and looked it up. All she found was articles about his death and his last conversation with his sister and his last Instagram post and a letter that he sent and just. JUST his death.

Needless to say, I broke. I'm still grieving. I didn't even know his name, just that he was my favorite member. But as I started reading about what happened, I started getting attached again. I didn't cry this much when Robin Williams killed himself. I didn't cry this much when I found out that my grandpa died. But this one suicide... This one man that I didn't know and that I didn't even realize had any depressive thoughts... it broke me.

I feel like a horrible person. I feel horrible because I didn't know about him. His fans are suffering so much and still sobbing and asking 'why', but I'm just a nobody that liked SHINee because of their iconic songs. Their memes. Minho's performance in Hwarang. Taemin's solo songs. That's why I knew SHINee. Not because I loved them. Not because I was waiting every day for comebacks and screaming every time they uploaded selfies or posted on Instagram. Just because of things they were related to.

I don't deserve sympathy in the slightest, but I wanted to share this for those of us who knew about SHINee, but not necessarily Jonghyun.

For those of us who didn't realize how much this group meant to them until it was too late.