Dearest Jonghyun,

You fought well. You worked well. You did well. I truly believe in those three things, but there are other things I believe also.

I believe that you are not done making your mark on this world. I believe you left an unfinished mosaic behind, but those who love and cherish you similarly to the way that I do will always look at this mosaic and admire it. Your passing will bring much sadness, much grief, but we will come out stronger and closer than ever. I cannot blame you for your choices. You struggled. I know what it is like to struggle. You gave and will still give me courage to continue on. Every morning since Monday, December 18th, 2017 I have woken up with the same words echoing in my head: "Jonghyun is dead." All day, I continue to live and those words come back to me: "Jonghyun is dead." I will be taking a test, laying down, reading a book, watching a shower, struggling to eat a meal (I can't eat a full one after the news yet. I try hard, though), walking down the halls, looking at myself in the mirror, whatever it is, those words come again: "Jonghyun is dead." They still jolt me.

There are times, however, when I intentionally think of these words. When I intentionally feel the jolt, the tug in my heart, the unpleasant tingle of fear and sadness that accompanies them. Not only does it remind me that I am still alive, but reality becomes a little more clear. I cannot go back and save you. There is nothing left for me to do about that. You are gone, and I am here.

I knew you were struggling. I really did. I worried about you every day. When I listened to your last album, I sat in shock as I read the lyrics. I remember thinking to myself clear as day, "This is a cry for help. Oh my god, this is a cry for help." It was, wasn't it? But as a fan in another country, there was nothing I could do but shower you with love and affection and support. I thought to myself every few days, what if he...? But then I dismissed it. I told myself not to think that way- You were always so open with your emotions and your worries that I thought your support system could do what I couldn't. Perhaps it was wishful thinking. Either way, I worried about you every day. You probably don't want to hear that. But it's the truth. Now, I don't have to worry anymore, right? You're doing well, aren't you? Have all your worries melted away, are you happier now?

A few days before the news broke out, I had a dream. It sounds crazy. But I napped all alone, and when I woke up I remembered my dream- This is uncommon for me. I have such trouble remembering my dreams. But this one, though a little fuzzy, I could recall. You had committed suicide. In my dream, I saw headlines of and relating to your suicide. I saw myself reacting, I saw myself wearing certain clothes and thinking certain things at certain times, but I dismissed it. Just another dream by the crazy me. I felt so anxious that day, and that dream had me shaken up. But I filed it away. Then it really happened. I was shocked. I cried in the shower. Had to pull myself together so many times. I'm sure there will be days where I do better and worse. Still, I can't ever forget that I dreamed just how this would happen. I wish I had said something to someone. Could that have made a difference?

I love you. I really do. You are bright and shining, you are talented and passionate and charismatic. I was lucky enough to see you twice. Did you ever see me back? I don't know, but I think you see me now and I am satisfied with that. You and SHINee were my first KPOP group, and always my number one. I have never loved anyone as much as you five. I yearn to see you stand tall as five again. I search desperately for five where I will only see four from now on, but I know that you are ever present, always there, right by their sides. I believe they will care for your family the same way you did. I love you. How much can I say that? I admire you. You mean so much. I can tell you prepared this for a while. It makes me sad, and this letter is terribly erratic but these are all things I have to say. This year, you made my birthday unforgettable. I appreciate it so, so much. I don't know if you were made for this world- You were too good, too pure, too sensitive for it. That's okay. Some people just are that way. You endured so much, Jonghyun. I'm sorry if anything I ever did harmed you. I was never anything but on your side.

Rest well, dearest. I have no right to call you that, but that is what you are. Your death will teach us lessons we would not have learned otherwise. Thank you for everything you have done for me. I hope that when my own life comes to and end, that you will be there to welcome me. I don't think that will be for a long time, but please patiently wait.

You are forever in my heart, Jonghyun.