I Wish This Didn’t Happen
A FarewellJonghyun,
you were one of the first Koreans i learned. I watched you in Hello, my third K-pop video, and I learned all of SHINee. I remember paying attention to you and Onew the most. SHINee was the first Kpop group that I learned everyone, and was my favorite group for years. Regardless of whatever happened in my life, I never stopped listening to you. I listened to your song for City Hunter, and constantly reminding myself of how amazing your voice was, and how amazing you as a person. I loved you- I watched hello baby, I kept up to date with your news. I never stopped listening to SHINee. I learned SHINee in 2011, and kept up for 6 and a half years, and in april, it would have been 7. While moving back home to Michigan, I taught my mom SHINee, by voices, and she loved yours most. You were her favorite. Regardless of who my 'favorite' was, I loved you as much as i loved everyone else. I wish I was able to see you- I wish I still have a chance to see you. I wish this didn't happen, I wish you didn't do this to yourself, but ultimately I wish you weren't in the pain you were in, to want to end your life. You are at peace now, and I'm happy for that- I really am. I woke up on Monday because my mom called me, then I checked my facebook, just to see one of my friends sharing a link to your death, and I felt like my world crashed. I really thought my heart stopped, and I thought someone was playing a joke, a cruel, horrible joke. I would have preferred if that was the case, compared to what reality is. I was in disbelief, but i knew it was true, and I went to my mom's room, and broke down while I told her what happened. I cried almost all day on Monday, I would try to forget about it, but i couldn't stop thinking about you, and would cry again. I couldn't listen to a SHINee song, in fact one of my friends had replay playing in her car, and broke down crying and called me. I couldn't watch anything Korean, because I didn't want to be reminded of you. In the group I am in, someone posted that we should talk to each other if we were depressed, so we could help one another. I confessed then, why your death hit me so hard. I had actually thought about dying on Sunday, the day before you died. I woke around 6 in the morning, and got into a horrible fight with my mom, and while I laid beside her bed, I lost all will to live. So, I started thinking of how I would kill myself- I wanted a gun, so it would be fast, but I didn't want my parents to have to deal blood. It was during these thoughts, that my mom heard me crying behind her, and brought it up.
Just by her acknowledging me, made me feel a little better, and I knew i didn't want to die- not then atleast. I don't want to cause my family pain, that's the only reason I'm still here to this day. But the fact that you, someone I never met, but have known for over six years, committed suicide the day after I was going to, really affected me. I literally felt like my heart was breaking. Then, Tuesday came, and I was focused on making my friends feel better, and I only cried when I saw people start coming to your memorial, and I watched Fire and 1000 years, and went to bed crying. Last night I had a dream, that you came to me in spirit. It was white around us, and you were in a white sweater, and smiling at me. You kept your distance from me, and all I wanted to know what why you did what you did, despite knowing the answer. You were in pain, and I knew this from your letter, but I wanted to know more about it.
You have people who love you, and selfishly I wanted you to keep suffering longer so I could have you alive, than dead and at peace. When I asked why you did it, you wouldn't respond to me- You only smiled and shrugged your shoulder. I started to cry, and you confirmed my thoughts. "I'm okay now," you said, and told me you weren't in pain anymore. You continued to tell me that you wanted your fans to live our lives, and to remember you as happy, instead of the 27 Korean Idol who killed himself. You then came toward me and hugged me, and said it was time for you to go, and I shook my head and kept crying- until you told me I didn't have to cry anymore, and that you were fine. You also said something like, "Remember me, please. I know now, that I did well, and worked hard." and those were your last words to me before you disappeared. I woke up, and I was strangely calm, and ever since my dream, I felt like you weren't hurting, and that you really are okay. I believe you are happy now, and you aren't in pain. I'm happy about that- you deserve that, and more. I didn't cry today, until tonight as I write you this letter, and watched your brothers carry your casket. It hit me, that SHINee as five, won't happen again.
However, you will never really leave them- I believe you will always be by them and your fans, forever and always.
I love you Jonghyun, and I will always remember you. I am happy you are in a better place.
"When you're tired and having a hard time, please let me stay by your side so I can give you back the love I received before this life ends." ~ Onew (life)
"I can handle this much pain and suffering, if only you are in my life." ~ Jonghyun and Taemin (life)
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