The Third Letter
A FarewellDearest Jonghyun, this is the 3rd letter I'm writing to you and like the other ones, I want to tell you how sorry I am. I'm sorry for not telling you how much I love you while I still had the chance. I'm sorry for not letting you know how much I loved your music while it still mattered. I am a horrible person. I was so selfish thinking I'm busy... its not like he's going anywhere. But you did go. One day you were smiling that angelic smile like everything is fine and the next day you are gone just like that. I sobbed, I wailed, I've been crying for days. But its all so useless. I've been listening to you non stop because I can't bring myself up to listen to anything else. It hurts so bad. I can't imagine how bad it had been for you to take a decision like that.
I'm so broken. I can't get you out of my mind. I think of you when I go to sleep and you are on my mind even before I open my eyes. What an irony. While you were still here, I never spared a second to think about you. I loved so much but never felt it necessary to say it out loud. I never even talked about you to anyone. I took you for granted. So while others are giving you kind words, I'm only filling out the paper with regrets. I didn't deserve you Jonghyun. I deserve to spend days crying because I didn't spend mere seconds appreciating you.
You are the only idol in this world who won me over with only your voice. The first time I listened to moon, my heart was gone right then and there. You dedicated your life for fans like me and what did I give you? I am not a shawol. I don't know any shinee oppa other than Taemin. Few weeks ago I didn't even know him but I always knew you. And I didn't even know your fandom name. I did't even stop to tell myself that I should consider myself a part of your fandom and now that I've lost you forever, I have your name engraved on my skin. Stay with me please. Please keep reminding me everyday that I love you. I've been so selfish.... so useless. I'm so sorry Jonghyun I'm so so sorry. You were constantly at war with yourself because you thought you weren't good enough. You were more than enough angel. I had been too selfish to tell you but didn't the others tell you? I wish you had been able to see how amazing you are. I wish things had been different.
I can't go back in time. I can atone for my sins. I can't forgive myself.
You've worked so hard angel. Please rest well. Tomorrow morning I'll give you a proper goodbye when they all say goodbye to you for one last time but this can't be the end right? Please wait for me because I will see you soon. And if there is another life, please find me again with your beautiful voice. In the next life I will earn your forgiveness and I will let you know how much I love you.
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